HUH what the hell??? lap top died on me its just come back apparently repaired but its not charging so back it goes :( GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR will has no work typical every xmas ~:( :( nicks car has also died a death engine gone so he has no car, so hes got mine :(.... so adds up to no car no laptop no money no xmas arghhhh!
New year has so got to be better than the last 4 i dont think i can do another crap year :'(
oh well back to booking in the laptop and make the most of it while i have battery life


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HAPPY XMAS AND NEW YEAR EVERYONE
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hope its gonna be a good new year :)

Had my nap (errr rather long sleep much needed i think) was suposed to clean im just soooooooooooo not gonna bother im gonna do some dinner and then sit down again :( If i can breath properly next week and the cough is managable (or rather ~gone !) i will be back at the gym my friend will be back from Egypt (where i should have been) so all back to normal but im not gonna suffer the gym with this cough it kills my head and im also tired of trying to carry on when im ill.

Went through lots of paper work first thing mainly cos the car needed taxing :( i sorted a lot of things got rid of the rubbish and things are in a bit more order im gonna count that as my cleaning for the day te he he!

Well, im almost over yet another ailment grr if anyone breathes any thing on me before xmas i will so become a murderer :S!!! Still have hacking cough and it hurts my head, omg i have never had such a headache in all my life, absolutely nothing helped couldnt lift my head off pillow for 3 days and im not exagerating hubby had to give me water via straws :( he then went down with it for 2 days (this is the man that never gets anything and never stops working what ever happens) for it to knock will off his feet it must be an evil one :S

Nick is in his new room skirting has not had top coat but i need to start clearing up for xmas 27 days omg, i have just got Liams xmas pressie one down many more to get lol Nick has money for aussie for his main pressie but looked and cant see any litte nick nacks i might get him .. or the others viki had my previous 18mth laptop which only had the charger wrong with it (GROWL trauma i went through to get a new one cos it wasnt going ! just by chance i plugged it in and there it was going in all its glorry) Vik didnt have a laptop of her own so it was a nice pressie so just nick nacks for her too.
I have won yet again at darts so far no losses which is good start who know maybe i will get cup for the most wins and in pairs this week me and vikki beat one of the top players playing with yet anther very good player and we thrashed then whooo hooo :)D
Well i have to go for a nap im bit tired still in recovery then once revived i have lots to do omg where to start ummmmmmmmmmmm will think about that after my nap.

Ummmm i could be on the mend .... i can lift my head off the pillow now and sit up i think the horse has stopped trampling on my head and is now just laying on it :S ive been up most the night so maybe another good sign as i sleep lots when ill and little when well sooooo fingers crossed , however , ummm hubby is up and complaining of a headache and feeling unwell (hes never ill) i find it hard to be sympathetic only because firstly he doesnt appear ill and the great drama he is creating usually comes with im gonna have a day off work , not that i care other than dont lie just say you want a day off ffs! grrr when he develops the cough temperature and actually starts to look ill i will be a bit more sympathetic till then i will class it as man flu sniff once think they are dying syndrome, You may think heartless woman but having had no sympathy myself since ill no help not even a cup of tea (except from my daughter viki) and getting up to see my house looking like a tip whilst lazy so and so's found it to hard to put a cup in the dish washer let alone all the other stuff they have used and the house in general disorder you may have little sympathy yourself ... well its gonna have to wait they can live in it and when they run out of cups who knows they may wash one up ... cant see it happening with their clothes though they can go round grubby and smelly hmmmph not one single cup of tea from any of them well they can get on with it !!!

Feeling really rough ... dosed up again but nothing is moving this horse thats trampling on my head :( been laid up 2 days now and just back off to bed had my first cup of tea tasted really naff yuk... dont think i can stand any more hot lemon ewww omg if i find out who give me this i will have to kill them!!!

BOOO HOOO im ill again :( nasty horrible choking cough, sore sore throat, snuffy nose, watery eyes, feeling like CRAP again :( :(

My exhibit is in February :S im way behind on paintings, just started and now i cant get on as i can hardly lift the brush nor a very much needed cup of tea, my lovely daughter came in this morning and made mummy some coffee (i only seem to do coffee when ill?) I really neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to go shopping talk about mother hubbard cupboard last few days its toast or take away i also need to go to bank and post office, its just not gonna happen today.
Also my plan of 5 day gym is down the drain as is my diet i had hoped to lose some thing in 2 weeks show ive not sat on my bum all this time and omg guess what im doing (GRRRRRRRRR POOOOOOOOOOO) so peeeed off, can you tell?
I can just manage computer blogs facebook and some games between naps and medication the day time TV is sooooooooo rubbish for goodness sake do they think there is no one who has to stay home during the day ! how many 100's of programmes are there and nothing decent to watch ... at least with the repeats you know whats gonna happen so when distracted by gaming on facebook it doesnt matter that you missed it lol

My litte minx alias tuppence laid with me all day yesterday she sure knows when im ill any other time shes running round after the cat or getting in to some mischief bless her today shes backward and forward giving me some of her time and laying with me then shooting off for a bit maybe she think im not so bad as i think i am, hmmmmmm :S

This is the minx ... pinched the sellotape (now unusuable) almost fitted over her head that would have trapped her had it gone right over ... cant see it would have stopped her from doing it again . Do feel for her shes not been on a run for 2 days i've managed to get her out in the garden for her pee wees, ive left her out to run about but shes sat by the back door wanting to come back and keep an eye on her mum :)~

Well im doing word spam on facebook ... my scores are really low today i guess thats the muzzy head telling me i shouldnt be trying to think and should be resting but its doing my head in just sat here arghhhh!
My other obsession on facebook is yoville :D and i am obsessed i hate the factory but work on it to get the money for my well fancy houses that i now own lol i recently got the haunted house only problem was they had time limits and my earnings didnt hold out so wasnt able to get all i would have liked of the creep items :S currently its the 50's but im holding out for the xmas stuff so i have to endure that stupid idea of baking at the factory so i will have enough money to get what i want ! all my friends do the cafe world and farms or fish they are so boring no interaction where as i have lots of friends i talk to on yoville a group of girls that are lovely and have become very good friends over the miles :)

well nap time i think and dose up of meds hoping tomorrow will be better at least the temperature dropping would be good (ewwww hate being sweaty yuk!) a nice bath later ahhhh

The dreaded thing has happened some one has breathed their nasty cold bug on me i have a really nasty nasty cough now :( getting snuffled :( throat is soooooo sore :( and a headache coming on :( ooooooooooohhhhhh GRRRRRRRRRRRRR :( :( was that pmt thing last week i knew it was the time i would catch any thing if i was going to :( thought i had escaped ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so so annoyed i hope my few weeks of well being may help in shaking this off quickly !

Had my hair done concave bob she did a fair job its not so good a cut i guess as i first thought, and im having to get used to new style well it will always grow again i guess!

Darts got cancelled last night had a fun night im back on my winning streak ish i beat everyone twice and richard the landlord i beat 7 out of 8 whooo hoo :D so pleased to be back on form and sooooo annoyed that ive come down with this cold today (screams out loud and pulls hair out ... ouch ! )

Whoooooo hooo :) Even with that nasty of the month (PMT :S) having just attacked me im still feeling relatively good (PMT is never good! nor was this one but in my general self im good)
Today i had my hair done new style concave bob getting used to the flatter hair is the hardest im used to having it fluffed up ... well lets see if it grows on me (no pun intended pmsl)
THE room is waiting for the electrician was gonna come some evenings now changed to saturday (longer wait but prob better idea) nicks up there with his friend working out where he wants stuff :S arghhh he now has his new 47" TV its hugeeeeeeeeeeeeee! bit of painting up to do the shower will be sorted after xmas but he can use the main room its looking nice although not quite finished its been hard work and a LOT of money and still a little more of both needed :( ahhh well the end is nigh lol

Have asked sister and family for xmas will be good i finally have room and the mess is almost cleared up although still a temporary kitchen its all clean tidy and nice better than some permanant ones ive seen :S. I do only have my cheap little oven but it cooks well , i didnt want to pay out on the large range cooker just yet i want it new when i have the rest of the 'proper' kitchen is done, its adquate and will do for now.
Ive been cleaning and cleaning still huge amounts to do but already the place is looking a little better even though re-decoration is over due to the rooms that have had the surplus dust and neglect whilst building was in progress. We are altering the 2 other bedrooms and a sky light needs to be put in the landing now as its very dark and that will be the end of the construction work THANK GOODNESS phew!!!

Car went wrong power steering its been done at £86 ouch really could have done with out that expense and car tax is due too grrrr so im off now to get car back never had one last week cos nicks car had MOT and guess whose car he needed to get to work , oddly everytime i lend my car it comes back with something wrong and absolutely no petrol !

Done the hospital trip with nick hes had his op and all went well.

It was a long long day i was more nervous this time for him (if thats possible lol) but once there i settled down better than i did last time .... last time i couldnt shop for worry i worried all day, i was nervous and worried the whole way through but this time i was even more worried till i got there and then it just went away how odd?


Im very tired cos of the old nasty monthly thing and sitting in that hospital with nothing to do was there at 7 30 am and he got his op at 12pm got back at 2.30pm and he had just come in from recovery and all had gone well:) we eventually got home at 5 30pm i finally got a nice cup of tea and sat back with my feet up for the rest of the evening :)

Although im a bit tired and a little down im still feeling relatively well in myself, arghh i have a sore throat but hoping its from sitting in the hospital it was very hot and may have dried my throat a bit ..... fingers crossed

My friend deliska seems to be doing very well from her op :D and my nephew paul is going for an op on his back today (friday 13th bless him :S) looking at face book its been a week for hospitals i can see 4 others that are doing hospital trips but it looks like all has gone well for them too :)

Hope to be going off shopping today with my viki, at the moment its absolutely peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeing down as it has been all night but it has warmed up at least for the past week it was freezing and i just couldnt seem to get me or the house warm :S
Im off to do my christmas shopping list i have one missing this year and one new one . Im still worried about viki she seems to be going through a back to my youth phase :( i hope she will be ok, she has done similar before seem every now and then she needs to break free i hope she hasnt thrown away something that she may later want back bless her :(
Moving FURNITURE in to THAT room this week he he he if the electrician decides to turn up at all grrrrrrrrrr chase chase chase but its almost there yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now for that list ....

Been feeling well for a while now but the dreaded pmt is upon me and this is the time i get low and can catch those nasties that are about. Ive been busy THAT room has some bits and pieces to be finished but hubbys not been here hes working 7 days again :( but he has to cover money i no longer earn and i feel a bit guilty that he feels he has to not sure why cos i have money of my own and i contribute to the household as i always have, but he is a work a-holic so maybe im reading things in to it that are not really there.
Ive been cleaning the house gradually since being well, i seriously need to catch up on the weeks errrr months even years :S of neglect my house has suffered still a bit more building work to do and then decoration all round but in the mean time ive cleaned and cleaned. Today was turn of the bedroom, omg took me all day, ive still stuff to do but main work is done and the dust has gone (which i think is effecting me (re dust allergy that i have)) A lot of clothes have gone or and put away oddly i cant fit all that i have left back in the draws and wardrobes??? ummm
Im painting the airing cupboard tomorrow, bought the wrong colour paint for kitchen but it will do for the cupboard thats long over due for a re-fresh.

Ive been washing like 'forever' and for the first time in ages i have an empty washing basket even though ive gone mad and done everything in sight lol!
House is begining to get back to its previous higher standard its clean and tidy and feels more like my home as ive always had it. One of the hard things in my recovery was not being quite well to tackle things that needed doing but no longer being ill enough not to care. Its bugged me for so long that the house was not up to standard and finally im starting to feel settled.

Im still sad about viki and her now ex partner neil seems worse in ways cos i see their comments on face book and its so different to how they were. I am slightly worried about viki shes has suddenly got this urge to 'live her life' (how she puts it) which seems to be out with the girls clubbing and stuff not sure why she couldnt do it with neil around, shes never complained that he stopped her. I am left wondering what shes looking for, im hoping she will find what ever it is. It worries me more so after an episode last year when she got drunk and started jumping in front of cars :( she fell over and broke her two front teeth ~she had such lovely teeth : '( ~ i thought her and neil were good for each other as they seemed to stabalize each other now she no longer has that and is out partying and drinking and drink does not do any of my family favours they all get erratic and uncontrollable, i think its that which worries me most :(

Well on a more positive note im still well :D im doing the gym and got my eating in a bit more check ive been either binge eating from bordom or not eating cos of illness so its good to be back to a bit more normal eating and maybe i will lose a little bit of weight :S

~Im off to bed its only 11 30pm very very early for me, but ive been getting up at 3/4 and 5 am i prefer to go late getting up that early just seems to make it a very long day cos from when you get up your day starts where as going to bed late ive been lulling about relaxing and then get up at normal time of about 7 ish at least im not passing my hubby on the stairs at the moment lol!

good night all hope your week is a good one :)xxxx

Ive noticed ive not really given a clear back ground of how i became ill so here is a short 'ish' note of whats happened to me.

The last 4 yrs of my life has contained a lot of trauma amounting to 27 bereavements to date 19 of which came in 2006~2007 and hit me (and my family) badly at the same time i had my mum in hospital with a 50/50 spinal op 4 days before xmas, after the long worrying days i had just got her in to a ward from icu, home at 9pm, phoned family to let them know that she was doing well, (i had also had to deal with my younger sister who had been hysterical over mum) finally sat back hubby had gone to pub (i was to tiredto go) when at 12am (Xmas eve morning ) my sons girlfriend (at the time) phoned... screaming down the phone, totally hysterical shouting that 'nicks still breathing nicks still breathing' for a long while it was all she would repeat, finally finding out where they were i grabbed my car keys, hubby had just come in a little worse for wear and was going to bed, i called him down and jumped in the car, no shoes money or anything and drove to the scene, the police told us he was on his way to hospital. On arrival we were immediately put in the relatives room, working in a hospital i knew what this meant and felt immediately sick my heart sank , then for 5 1/2 hours we were told next to nothing :( apparently he spent it fighting for his life. ) One thing that stays with me is the thought that had he died they had left me in that room and i would not have been with him :(. Thankfully he lived, we were so lucky and i thank god every day for letting him stay with us.
He had a long recovery, severe injuries and complications, some short term memory loss, double vision, and most of his shoulder shattered which will need repair later.
His girlfriend decided at the time she would start an affair albeit she was living in my house with my son and he was seriously ill and i wont ever forgive her for that. she could have waited and she could have left my home whilst cheating on my son!

Many other things have happened, to many to list it just seemed it was never ending one tragedy after another : Among the many losses of people we loved i lost someone very very special to me and its been so hard knowing hes no longer around :((. of all the losses ive found his loss hardest to bear in addition i know even though my son is doing well the near loss is still with me and is still painful.

When nick came out of hospital and mum was recovering i finally broke down exhaustion and cronic fatigue had taken its toll and i collapsed . its been a huge fight to become well and im still fighting, i think in addtion to depression i am pre-menopausal as some symptoms ive have are different from any i have previously experienced in depression although this depression hit me more so than any other i have had, but i think it may have been worse because of the combination of both.
The worst feeling i have is a sense of loss of myself and i know now that im not going to get 'me' back, i think to some degree ive been in mourning for 'me' as well as everyone that ive lost :S

Many, many more things have happened the whole 4 years have been so unbelieveably horrible and ive been dogged with illness as well as suffering from the depression. At one stage i was unable to function at all, after 6mths of not working i decided i wasnt going to be well enough in the short term to return to work and gave up the job i loved as ward clerk on emu at the local hospital, a decision i didnt make lightly and i have missed my job so much but even now im unable to cope with working and it wasnt fair to keep them haning on.
Im back here now fighting my way out and although ive moved on and slowly improving im still currently in a kind of limbo, a grey area but im still fighting and more recently i feel a strength building in me and though it keeps getting knocked im at least now getting back up :)

Ive had an excellent few days health wise wheyyy heeeyyy lol dont want to tempt fate but its been so good to feel well no sicky bug no colds and in the general well being of myself i have been able to cope better.
But theres been bad news too, my daughter has ended her 10yr relationship with neil :( its made me a little sad, i guess mainly for him cos i know he still adores her and hes been a father to my grandson and always loved him like his own, but i guess my daughter feels the relationship has run its course.
Although we were never close, neil had become part of our family and he was a huge personality in it. They are still friends so he will still be around, but it does seem strange for him to no longer be part of our intimate family life.
Xmas coming up and it just seems strange that he wont be there with us, and to me it feels like another part of the life i am accustom to has gone. It feels like yet another loss :(
I am left wondering what Viki is looking for in her life, i had thought she was quite settled ( which in itself suprised me.) i always knew she would not look at getting married, she has a restless soul, i think neil has done well to keep her interested for so long.
I find it sad, but they seem to have moved on and thats the problem with me and depression i cant move on with the ease that most do. I hope neil and viki find happiness, but it seems now it wont be with each other.

On another note , nick has, it seems found someone, after the break up of his 5 1/2 yr relationship at the time of his accident, its taken 4 years for him to settle and possibly trust. she seems a lovely girl, but its early in the relationship so i guess we will see. His ex hurt him badly so im hoping, in giving his trust again to a relationship, even if it doesnt work out that at least she will not betray him as his ex did.
Soooooo, 2010 is gonna be new in many ways. Some that we are used to being around wont be and new faces will be.
Im hoping 2010 will be a good year for us all and the past, at least be left behind instead of taking up my life with the pain it has left. I know change is part of life but im hoping any change in the future will be less painfull than the last 4 yrs, i just wish i was one of the people that didnt feel it so intensely, maybe as i become more well the depressive feelings will leave and i will be able to feel things in a more 'normal' way instead of the mole hill being a mountain hopefully it will remain a mole hill :S.

THE room is almost done a bit of painting and electrician is needed but as such its done and we can now move nick and begin the re-decoration of the rest of the house and finally finish it!!!
For next year, im looking at it being a ME year. I will try and repair the damage of illness, rest and pamper myself spend time and money on myself some thing which is long overdue. Looking after myself has not happened in a long time, whilst ill, you dont look at yourself but as i emerge from this darkness i am now seeing the damage its done. 2010 is repair me time, but not only in looks but mind to, im hoping it will be a year where i be come stronger and the pain thats inside finally leaves me or at least numbs and most of all i hope there is no further pain to add or replace ~ a little happiness wont go amiss some thing else which is long over due !

Well bit of a horrible day again just thought i was over bug but seems not quite although feeling better in myself generallly at least.

Had lots to do today didnt get anything done now sat here bored its been a long night getting dark at 5pm now :S not good, feel im stuck in these 4 walls at mo and they wont let me out lol.
THE room is painted so hopefully hopefully lol the floor will go down tomorrow
whooo hoo at last can start to clear up yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! just need the energy now to do the clear up pmsl :D

Not happy with my weight have put on another 2lbs i was thinking i would have lost lots by now how sick ive been instead ive put on a total of 5lbs what is that all about ??? im back at gym now and will be attempting it again tomorrow bit of a killer as ive not been for a while cos of sicky bug but managed more than i thought i would yesterday. need to get eating sorted once i can eat properly again thinking maybe cos ive hardly eaten my body may be storing at least i hope its that and when i start eating again all this weight will just fall off me :S well miracles do happen dont then lmao!!!
well gonna watch csi then may look at early night yes 12am is very very early for me but i will prob be up at 4am however im feeling a little drained so may sleep through and get some proper rest one thing about me being ill i do sleep and usually i know im ill before it happens cos i get so sleepy .... anyway hope everyone has a good night xxx

A fairly good day whoo, was little worried after eating lunch (slightly green at the gills) but been to gym and over all was a good day. Chuffed i ended my curse of losing my darts games new season started with a win from me :) good alround night.
Quite a nice sunny day today and mild to late now its freeeeeeezing :S

Shopping tomorrow need some food now nicks home and eating everything lol also getting more paint the room is almost almost done one last coat and floor will def be going down thank goodness can get on with the rest of the house then only one wall of building work to do then we are clear the rest is just decorating and maybe we will get that long overdue needed holiday :)
My friend deliska has just had her op and it seems all went well and shes doing good it was her blog that made me want to write down my thoughts and its helped me so much i know i often sound down but really im on my way up and im fighting as much i can to be well again im not there yet but im working on it :) i hope some of you out there can see that you can come out of the darkness, it does take time and a tremendous effort but if i can do it from the place ive just been so can you xxx

Ha at last feeling a bit better sicky bug passing ~(i hope) New season (winter) darts and i broke my losing curse and won my game we drew the singles and won the pairs so won overall whoo hoo.
Im off to do shopping now while i feel fit enough lol and then back to gym later im also trying to diet you would think, wouldnt you, sick as i was, that i would have lost weight but nooooooooooooooooo ive put on 3lbs last time i had sicky bug i put on 3lbs too :( i can only think this is down to not eating so body goes into storage mode plus no exercise but her i go again im gonna have a go at the slimfast meal replacement for 2 days a week to see if that helps i have a diet for energy boosting foods ive checked them out and should be good for dieting too so 2 way benefit (ummm heres hoping again) :D

Nick home from Aussie :D :D ( i was sick at airport :( :( .... omg) glad hes home :)

Hes not well full of cold /flu (keep away from me sweetie :/ arghh ) good to have him home :)






looks like he had a real good time but for being ill like his ma awwww bless him


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Been a bad week been sick again who would believe !!!! im so annoyed i had a lovely spa day and next day back to sickness :( finals night was spoilt for me as i was still iffy

not been a good day at all lazed about feeling down think its cos im sick again (well hope its that~) im so upset cant believe i have it again grrr ruined my evening for darts finals night :( and today got very little done ... i did make a roasty dinner but only had a very small plate myself so worried about eating now grrrr im soooooooooooo annoyed and tired :(

Bit of a bland week :( bored and unable to motivate myself for any thing not done the gym :( :( and i really need to keep on top of the fitness thing otherwise i will be like that very extra large lady on tv just sitting in bed for the rest of my life ,sadly i can see that in my future at the moment, i have to get moving but its really hard. I really have lost some thing in my life the dreams to strive for some thing ive lost the want and need i cant find anything there is no feeling any more and its horrible :( I keep trying but i cant get any routine back in my life every thing i do is such an effort, i cant explain how hard it is even to just go make myself a cup of tea, im tired and fed up with this it seems ive come out of the black hole and there is nothing here for me, its like a writer with writers block i have a blank page and cant put anything on it, but its my life all i have is a void.
I hope things will improve, time is flying by arghh ive looked in the mirror, feel like ive been asleep for 10yrs and just woke up old :( Even the things i love to do are on hold. Think i need to go off and scream for a bit and i dont even have the energy or will power to do that, sat here typing is an effort in its self ................ omg how morbid is this post but this is why im writing i guess to put this out so others can see we are all struggling some in different ways others may be like me. Im hoping things will improve and still trying to find anything that may help me get that ummmph back in my life, a reason to live maybe cos at the moment im just drifting along in a kind of limbo i can see and hear myself but feel like im watching and not really part of it almost ghostly, others say glad you better cos im clearly projecting a 'normal' image of myself and i can see that i am but i cant feel that i am almost like watching a film of yourself i suppose.
Well .. whats today bringing just having a bacon sarnie -diet out of the window again lol what diet he he ~ i need to paint the bedroom but its just not gonna happen today, for now i may just take a nap and see if the latter part of the day is better, i do need to rest my back bit niggly from painting yesterday and im definately gyming tomorrow my friend tells me ! ha

Well, :( things not good today been a tired day and I've done very little when really I needed to get on. Even worse I weighed myself today omg how much bad new can one take :( I really have to sort this before its to far out of my control.
Im looking to start a diet from tomorrow, I need to drink a lot more water my skin is suffering from the effects of bad diet and illness and a good healthy eating plan I'm hoping will help me too. Im hoping I find some energy tomorrow to start getting my self in some sort of order I've already let things slip to far I swear I've aged 10 yrs :( :( trouble is with depression you stop seeing your self you dont look after yourself some times you dont even get to brush your hair certainly you dont iron your clothes one crumpled mess. There isnt anything you can do about it during depression nothing matters and you matter least of all, I look in the mirror and it seems like Ive started to waken from a long sleep and missed how old I got. But instead of starting the job of repair and catch up for the lost time, Im left in this grey area, left in some kind of limbo needing to move on but stuck here numb and empty. Now and then there is a want to move forward but an invisible barrier is there preventing me and I dont know how to get over it. I'm not sure its much better than the dark place I've come from, sat here wanting to be 'normal' wanting to get on and live my life but some how trapped, now aware of all thats going on around me but not able to be part of it.
As you can see its a down day, its difficult to explain to people, that you are here going through the motions, laugh without laughing inside, cry without the hurt, I can hear myself and see myself but its almost like Im watching all thats going on ghost like, most days I try to ignore it but on a day like today its so hard to sit knowing my life is disappearing and all I can do is sit here and watch it go.:(

9th oct Ummmm sorry not been about for a while .... much of same old same old still catching anything thats going around but thank goodness other than general aches, my back is better (and thanks to a cart wheel lol)

Ive not been winning at darts :( playing well just seem to have lost something there (along with everything else) Im sad about it. I love the game but its got to the stage I feel like giving up. Its almost been worse cos Ive played well and should have won :( :( we came from bottom of league up to 3rd so not so bad well done to the girls.

Had a good week tired but fairly well in myself, went to see Colin Fry and TJ Higgs Best of British Mediums Tuesday (was better that previous bloke we saw ) couple of funny moments quite entertaining, was last minute booking but was partly for Tracy's birthday I knew she was interested in seeing a medium may look at a one to one for her.

Last night hubby and I went to see the Billy Fury story, our Viki paid for tickets for all the work we did on Liams room. The music was brilliant I must say the Billy Fury (Colin Gold) imitator was excellent he played with the original Fury Tornadoes ....think we were the youngest there lol although hubby did blend in better than myself pmsl!

My friend sold his house and is going :( cant do anything but live with it, maybe he will keep in touch but its really not likely I think I must be coming to terms with it even though it really saddens me :'(

Still working on the dreaded bedroom hubby been working every hour as usual and trying to get on here to, we are plastered all but one small bit and painting in the next few days I hope, then we can do floor and skirting electrician to 2nd fix and we are sorted whoo hoo about time is all I can say! Nicks in Australia only have next week but its unlikely it will be done for his return which was our intentions but it certainly wont be to much longer before we can transfer him and then we can finish the rest of the house mainly decorating (do have one more wall to alter) I will soon have a normal house errr yes I did use the word normal ha ha but it will be good to have it all done such a relief!

Im trying to get my white carpet to look reasonable, its taken such a beating with all the building work and a new puppy but I think its bitten the dust now, its just not looking very good at all, one last scrub at it tomorrow and it will have to stay as it is until we look at new :S ahhh well not many carpets would have done so well and it is white too, I must admit I was thinking we would be getting rid of it much sooner but its done its job for us and more so.

Gym tomorrow still trying ...diet not happening but Ive decided to wait till I can get my head round it a little better, just keeping up exercise with my friend Tracy, I cant say I like it but I generally feel better when Ive done it so can only be a good thing even if the body isnt showing much in results yet lol! Tracy has lost a stone in weight (14lbs ) so well done her my friend Mel is back on the lite a life diet she lost 5 1/2 stones but put 4 back on (she did have gall stones removed and was poorly during the weight gain) shes been back on it 3 weeks and has lost 2 stone again. I would so love to lose that would be quite happy but im just yo yo ing on 3-4lbs up and down up and down grrrr!

Tracy and I had our tarot read just before darts Wednesday was quite good had to smile, my first card said I was finding I was lacking in something in my life, lacking in some feelings, that I was feeling I had lost something and was struggling to get it back ummmm what can I say to that ? ! Other cards were pretty interesting too I had the year layout so lets see how they come out Im not a believer but keep an open mind and it interests me to see how accurate they can be.... will let you know !
Well thats about it at mo ... trying everyday to stay with it, one day at a time is best I can do and Im holding some where in the grey area which is better than where I was but not really so good. Concentration is low but will make more effort to write here it does help to write things out ... have a good week all :)

Aug 24th ummmmm
Ive been very busy ... illness has left everything undone and way overdue, ive had to make the most of being well and get what i could done some things are sorted some things are cleaned still lots to do................
Last few days ive been tired things have caught up on me, probably over done things at least thats what i hope usually when i get tired its an indication of illness (im not talking end of day worn out tired ~ mine is an all day all night sleepyness that leaves you unable to get out of a chair without the most tremendous effort). im hoping the tiredness is just remenants from being ill and not the begining of something else :S
Well since last time the extension bedroom is about to be plastered at last! the electrician is round tomorrow our main aim to get the room finished for when our son gets back from aussie so about 2 months the lounge is finished but for the flooring not worth getting new till the work has finished. once the bedroom is finished move our boy over to his new room and the rest of upstairs can be decorated and re arranged whoo hoo we have given up our holiday to egypt :( (our 30th wedding anniversary gift to ourselves) because we really do need to finish the house its been going on far far to long.

i've dropped myself from darts :( :( :( im just not playing well i should have won almost all my games played well enough just not been able to get out some of which i think was the problem with my back and leg but ive decided to have a rest from it :( allbeit that i love to play so quite sad really but dont know what else to do at the moment ... feel im just letting the team down :( well thats it for now not much to say just cleaning tidying and clearing .... but with dreams of a finish in sight dreams of holidays can begin again!

Aug 12~
Having recovered from the flu, I found myself caught up in all the stuff that i've not been able to do for way way to long .... Helped finish my grandsons bedroom decoration and my own hallway, ive cooked (those who know me will faint at this lol) and cleaned and hardly sat down.
Saturday i went to my friends bbq lovely night i got rather tiddly for a change did a cartwheel (the game played insisted i did :S ) much to everyones amusement, it also amazingly, seems to have helped my back maybe something clicked back in place but so far so good whoo hoo!. Walked home with my friends only to have some miserable very unpleasant person start shouting at us.... had we been noisy i would have apolgised, however, we were not noisy just quietly chatting on our way home. She picked the wrong night and wrong person i saw red!!! oddly enough despite my loud and various comments she never made another (~hid behind the bed i think lol) ruined a lovely evening grrrrrr and i think i was well overdue for having a nice night grrrr grrr yes im still angry someone had to spoil the only night ive had in months :( :(
Any way so far so good im still feeling well, i did have a snivel yesterday i could easily have slipped back in to the darkness yesterday, someone i care about deeply is moving away, i wont get to see them again :( im wickedly hoping the house doesnt sell or that something happens that he has to stay but deep down i know soon he will be gone from my life hes not one to phone or text hes not on facebook doesnt play computer. I hate the thought he will be gone from my life probably forever if im lucky maybe in years to come i might bump in to him but that will be it.
Its really hard to know some one you love cares little about you and that your not important in their life like they are in yours that they will walk away and forget you existed :( :(
Well there i go again snivelling ~

I have darts to play tonight, to sit with my friends will be nice and hopefully take my mind off things. We really need a win and i need one to show im not totally useless arghhh im hoping my poor performance lately was down to illness although i think my luck has been bad lately too, tonight its time for change im well and it really really is about time my luck changed for the better too!
Well, as of now im back to painting the hall and tuppence is looking at me longingly for a walk down the park. Stay busy stay busy and the sad thoughts will be hidden away, i hope !

~Aug 6th

Still recovering from the 'flu' thing ..no engery.


The pic is our team we won the winter league this year whoo hoo not so hot for the summer season but we have all been down with various ailments hoping it picks up for the winter one think we have to give this one up as a bad job but we wont stop trying to win our games!

I play darts on a wednesday night, I did have to drag myself there last night and would have been happy to laze around at home but one of our players is away so if I hadnt gone we would have lost our points for the whole game :(
I lost my singles game really really shouldnt have done (doing that a lot lately :( :( think it may be my back and sciatica in my leg, at least its certainly not helping) despite playing well i couldnt get the double out, had plenty of chances. Both games Iwas well ahead just couldnt get the double and without it I of course lost.. feel im letting the girls down at the moment :(
But as a team we won over all and I got the out for the 4 aside despite not getting it in my singles game grrr but at least I redeemed myself a little lol!
However, today ive been really tired, I managed a much needed shop (mother hubbard cupboard syndrome) managed to make a cup of tea on my return and then collapse on the sofa for a nap. Im pleased I havent gone back down the path of feeling low flu can do that to you, I really dont want to go back on meds had enough of taking tablets something I really hate! If not asleep I at least have so much to do its keeping me busy after a short spurt of activity my energy level disappears and I sleep again, on a more positive note im very much better than I was, if it was swine flu its not been so bad in my case and others have said much the same everyone seems to have varying symptoms personally ive had worse colds but for the energy loss, it seems to have totally drained me.
Well sleep calls yet again and enough of my rambling for now zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This is my beautiful baby tuppence she is a naughty minx and keeps me busy she lifts me up on those days that are not so good and has kept me company through my recovery

Seek Not My Heart

by Kit McCallum

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies, Do not you hear my heartfelt cries? Below the branches, here about, Do not you sense my fear and doubt? Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams, Do not you hear my woeful screams? Upon the meadows, touched with dew, Do not you see my hearts a'skew? Beneath the thousand twinkling stars, Do not you feel my jagged scars? Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze, For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees. It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies, Accompanied by heartfelt sighs. It's drifting o're the gentle rain, A symbol of my silent pain. It's buried 'neath the meadow fair, Conjoined with all the sorrow there. It's lost among the stars this night, Too far to ease my quiet fright. No gentle winds, seek not my heart, For simply ... it has torn apart.

~Aug 4th
~This is my first blog, I would like to have you join me, I will be attempting to make this life of mine better, not the best of starts as im just getting over the flu. Im also struggling with my back at the moment, I had a back injury some years ago and although I have times when its ok these last couple of months have not been good so you may get to hear a lot of grumbling on that sorry !
Everything has been on hold cos of the flu but as of today I hope to be moving on.