long long week

I really dont want to wish my life away but im sooooooo glad its Friday, its been a long hard week!

Ive had my usual nasty week coming upon me :/ darn pmt ! and neck, shoulder, back and sciatica pain and work well, work has just so much stuff to work out its unbelieveably complicated - One of the nice guys left today Nick was well nice, will be missed and he helped me with loads of stuff - who the hell do i ask now!
Well pmt put me in to worry week too things playing on my mind and worries i have grew to huge perportions :( , its made me low and having to fight each day to stop slipping in that pit again - pain just wore me down more so and its been really hard.
So whats next - first i need to get this pain sorted out! so rest i guess (which of course i dont have time for)
THE DIET :/ oh dear im holding my own on what ive lost but made no progress.
Im still trying pmt pain and tiredness are my triggers to just pick up a packet of crisps or chocolate - im really really trying to pick up a satsuma instead and some times im sucessful .... its on going !
I need to get off my bum more - errr not this week though im just glad to still be mobile 'ish' but its some thing i have to look in to for next year - i fancy jogging for the race of life, if i do that i will need to really get down to losing this weight and regular training, i would like to do this, so its some thing to work for.

Good things ?? ooooooh just the one ..
My art forms came through, so more things to do i need to paint 6 pics before feb :/ umm well see what i can do!

My niece was 21 this week shes a lovely girl seems she had a nice day - i got her a charm bracelet be a nice keepsake which can be built on with selected charms.
Lisa and fiance

My friends tracys birthday also tomorrow - hope she has a lovely day, she wanted me to go partying with her but i cant - firstly the pain thing going on with my crappy body but its also a lot of money just before xmas and to tell the truth its not my thing . Sadly im not so keen on her friends, i hate pretending but i dont like to offend either so i prefer not to go, i would just sit miserable and that spoils the party.
Tracy



Other things ..
Christmas is looming - so is snow :/ its been bitter cold this week and most the country already has snow. Its a hard time for us because we lose our income. Last year drained our resources big time and we've not really recovered much - its a bit worrying.
This for me sums up how i feel about winter :/

sooooo off to bed now need to sleep night peeps sorry about the miserable blogs but im better for writing the crap down xx






SNOOOOORRRRRREEEEE ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Its been a bad week :/ my back has decided to really give me a nice lot of pain sciatica and my shoulder and neck havent been a great deal better :( work is just soooo complicated at the moment and its difficult to explain cos i love the job but my head hurts !
Sillly niggly things getting on my nerves or/and worrying about stupid things in general other than one real big worry - im hoping at least for the most of it, its just the pmt thingy which is also about to attack and wipe me out as it usually does!

Today - ive found that my son is playing on my mind more so than usual, i have been worried about him for some time.
He seems to have isolated his self more and more and no one can talk to him - hes not willing to listen nor is he willing to tell anyone how he feels or whats wrong - clearly something is.
Im sad that he seems to have total disregard for anyone in our family and i now have come to realise also his friends of many years.

He informed us that he wasnt intending to buy xmas presents this year :( another thing isolating him further from our family) -its as much as he can manage to speak to anyone and im just at a loss.
As ive already said ive been concerned and worried for some time but its just today its been in my head all day - i feel helpless - have i done some thing wrong - have i lost my son?

His accident did change him - did i miss out on some thing he needed help with? during my illness did i miss the signs that he needed me to guide him through this ?
Hes now 27 he has a fairly good job but he seems to have nothing else except dreams, some that wont be obtainable as he is now, some are far from obtainable at all but they sit in his head and hes just sits !
His life seems on hold , hes not participating in anything with us or anyone else much and i dont know why or how to deal with it :(

Nick with Ex - a happy time for him but she chose to move on

I want my boy back :(

I know the break up with his girl upset him a lot, but i thought he had rallied and got over that probably not entirely but was the better side of it.

Im needing to get the message across that his current behaviour isnt acceptable, my viki is hurt, im hurt, liam doesnt understand and will is just indifferent 'let him get on with it' well i cant.
My intention is to e-mail him (as its difficult to talk to him ) on mail i will be able to get my point across without diverting from the issues, i cant see any other way of communicating with him at the moment assuming he reads it.

Im not sure if i need to give him any kind of ultimation ie if he doesnt want to be part of this family do i tell him to move on ?? this scares me - i dont want him to go unless hes ready and i know hes building a future, but i cant let him ignore our family, they deserve some interaction for their efforts, if he doesnt want to be part of our family then why is he here? Am i wrong to confront him? will i push him in to a corner that he runs - flees from our family, never to be seen again :'(

I miss my boy, and he lives in the same house - CRAZY and im stuck in this dilemma.

so when do things get better? its not a good day again!

How long do i wait for things to get better - will they ever get better?
seems as one pit fall is over come 10 others take its place :(

Im not able to work today, sciatica is bad and that nasty week is also coming upon me how can i continue in a job ?

My friend Deliska is having to under go more surgery, i want her to know that my prayers are with her always x


Soooooo whats the next week bring - my friends birthday - she wants to party big time, i have neither the inclination, money or health to do so - ive had to refuse the night out - willl i get to play darts ? i dont know, with mel gone we have no team unless i play - im so tired
Pain is leaving me worn down pmt wipes me out but im more concerned that the combination will leave me on a downward spiral - ive tried so hard and ive not given up fighting but my grip is slipping and im not sure i can crawl out that dark pit a second time :( - hoping its just the 'nasty week' and not anything more.

On yet another down note we cant seem to get our lights done the electricians keep letting us down :(
seems this house will never be finished its just another nail in the depression coffin - i go to other homes and they are cosy and warm and mine is like a building site and despite all the time and money spent people keep letting us down and it sits here in a terminal mess!

Im going now have to dose up and maybe a nice cup of tea would help x

Tired cold and old oh and fat :/

Im still in this sleepy mode - it started before i began work so cant really blame that but maybe its not helping :/ I want to sleep all the time and although i try to stay awake suddenly its to late and i just conk out !

Its cold now - winter is upon us in England, i dont like being cold but even worse is cold and wet Arghhh ! yep its raining too although not as bad as it may be for the time of year and its not managed to turn to sleet yet although we did have hail one day a couple of weeks ago. I really really hate the dark nights it was dark at 4 30pm today :( GRIM !

Omg i feeeeeeel sooooooooo old :( :(
and looking it illness has done me no favours, i used to look 10yrs younger than my age but now i look 10 years older, my body doesnt only feel worn out it looks it - people say nice things but i can see, age hasnt taken my eye sight yet but it is dimming :(
Ive always felt deprived of 10yrs as my body decided to fall apart as i turned 30 where as for everyone else it was 40 - and then to age again to look older - is this the price i pay for all the years of looking 10yrs younger ?

Ummm what the hell did i do wrong?

HA HA THE DIET

oh dear, despite trying im eating due to tiredness im so tired im grabbing crap, yes i know im doing it but just soooo knackered all the time
I cooked today but was hard, my back was killing me and when i finally sat down to eat i just didnt enjoy it and ended up eating little only to have a nap wake up (still in pain ) and grab more crap :/

Nicest thing in my small weight loss world (cos it is only a tiny amount so far) Steve (my vikis ex who shes still in touch with) was loitering about Aylesbury saturday as i went shopping and i stopped to chat and complain about the parking :/ - apparently he told my vik that he had seen me and mentioned the parking and how i said i would need to crawl in throught the boot of the car its parked so tightly, my daughter sweeteness that she is said i dont think so with her fat arse! ummmm :/ however, Steve said 'your mums lots loads of weight' :D :D :D , its not loads but obviously enough that he noticed :D :D so new inspiration tomorrow i hope to be back on track !

Had my viki and liam over for dinner did a roast then whilst vik played fb liam and i watched bugs life a fave of mine . Willy has been chopping wood all day, he bought a tree home from work
yes i mean a tree :S
Half trung size logs that nick had to help him carry in, so all day hes been chopping and sawing
viki now has a nice lot of logs to keep her going through the winter hopefully and we will have omce hes cut some more - currently im sat by a lovely roaring fire .

The house is not moving on - electrician has let us down AGAIN! grrr so fed up with these guys, do they earn so much they dont need the work?? ffs !!!! all i want is some lights in the kitchen :(
cant decorate or anything till thats done what a pain and mess for christmas.

I have a new work station for my art work, i have my forms through for feb exhibition and i need to get cracking on it - i did want to get some done for my friends but im just so tired :(
and in saying that im off to bed
post a few pics to browse :-

nasty cold winter :/

NOPE im not a lover of winter ! its cold wet grey and generally nasty - i do like the snow but people walk on it drive on it and turn it into that nasty mucky slush.
Last couple of days in England its been cold brrrrrrrrrrr and reallly foggy bit of a nightmare driving home the country roads and the lunatics that cant slow down - hey you wanna kill yourself well thats up to you but dont take some poor innocent sod that has a life they want to live , with you!!!


HA THE DIET :/ :( :/ :(
Im still in tired mode :/ and really miffed tonight as i put on another lb grr apparently im under eating so i eat and get fat, i dont eat and get fat ?? go figure?
Its been difficult at work at mo - but i am eating and healthily so what do i do?? Ive had no crisps chips chocolate sugar cream butter cheese pizza etc?? im on salads soups fish veg and fruit, so where am i going wrong ?? seems i cant win i get fatter either way!

I went by a few blogs last night - someone seems to have left and i missed saying goodbye :( bit miffed but time is not helping me at the moment - when i do finally sit im shattered and i conk out ... not good .
Was good to read up on how peeps are getting on didnt stop to comment because it was early hours of the morning and i was in zzzzzzzzzzzzz mode big time but im hoping to find a little more time soon get in to some routine.

Still working :/

Well im feeling well tired - i didnt intend to still be working full time :/
Im missing lots of things including my fluff ball tups - think shes missing me too :(
Work is nice just wish it was part time they want to look at keeping me on 4 days a week was the best i could bargain it down to - i will have to see how things go!

Ummm whats been happening - not a great deal- still clearing up the kitchen from our fire - wow lucky on that count we would normally been out :/ it flared up in seconds had we not been here (or even asleep) we would not have had a house left - no doubt on that and if
asleep maybe we wouldnt have been here :S omg !
Its taking time and money to sort - got all the mess too and im just to tired to cope with it my lovely house is a PIT!
I had a good clean up saturday and was wiped out sunday so chilled watching the gorgeous Colin Firth in Pride and Predudice a must to watch especially the lake scene - when he comes to the buttercup meadow in his wet shirt SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON whoooa ! :D :D


My good news
my friend melly had her baby Jessica - masses of hair and just like her mum -
shes a tiny but chunky little thing 9lb but very small for the weight - dad is new to babies - children of any age and is painfully awkward but trying his best - he'll learn! :D

We had a good halloweens night, didnt dress up - no need to :S lol but i put on some dark makeup had black lips - rushed home from work and it was the most i could manage - my daughter looked like she was beaten half to death and liam masked up with a gory skeletor.

My viki and liam
My viki
Errr one nutty patient lol
Arghhh me trying on someones hat to complete the look lmao!

Friends vikki and her mum Denise
Liam :/

Bonfire/Guy Fawkes night followed on the 5th of November had some fireworks round my friend Viks and got absolutely soaked - no pics was to wet :/ friend tracy did some yumm mulled wine ....

WORK
One of the nicest guys ive met in a long time is leaving - shame cos hes really nice but i dont blame him - guess hes to nice cos he seems to get lumbered with all the work if i was him i would have run a long time ago Good luck Nick in your new job x
Peter who works on the project with me is intending to move on too - they are messing us about abit with contracts what was 8wks per time is now 2 , well ffs who can do that (other than me lol) pete is the main bread winner and needs good length of work not to sit wondering every 2 weeks!
I have to confess to the work its self being quite boring :( i love the people there but not sure how long i want to stay maybe another 6 mths see us over winter and a nice holiday
OF which im going to Boston to meet the yo girls in september so money will be handy and last night :D :D i had a call from my lovely friend Rita aka cotton in Canada was so cool to chat to her ive not stopped smiling for some time !




My Yo girls - im Bambi, blonde at this moment lol saying baddies, cotton is a red head, pmsl not me, cinds is cinderella saying cough lol and brenda sits quite int the corner there with her blue bow - zee is not well at the moment im hoping she gets better soon im thinking she wont make the holiday - i miss her lots :(



Well thats it for tonight i need to sleep again ! will take a quick browse at the blogs im following and hopefully catch up with peeps soon xx