Ummmm clock still ticking in 2011- but just a few more days - these are the last days of all the crap of 2011 and previous years IM NOT DOING ANY MORE OF THEM! - Im all out to change things in my life, i know i can begin that process today but have chosen the usual new year resolution day 1st Jan. This however, is not a resolution.
I dont want to start things in 2011 its been such a horrible year i dont want my 'new' start being tainted by anything this year so 2012 is my very begining of 'trying' / 'attempting' to get a start on better things in my life.
My first goals are i guess usual and simple -
THE DIET - I kind of wrongly label it as a diet - really what i want to achieve is this eating properly instead of bordom eating - stuffing rubbish foods (that i dont even really like) into my face :/
I want my foods to be as they used to be , I love fruit and veg so why am i not eating them?? i dont know what changed things for me with regards to my choices but i know bad eating habits began when i had my back injury. (but thats another story)
So Ive already sorted some good food plans - im currently stuffing myself with all the trash i have been eating (hopefully i will be sick of it soon and not want any of it anyway lol) This is my last week of rubbish indulgence, my cupboards will be emptied of anything that will drag me down the lazy path of quick snack rubbish eating.
Hubby joins me (without need i might add - his job allows him to work off the calories)
In conjunction with the diet is my main reason ( maybe should have been put before the diet) and that is to get FIT! - I need to diet in order to exercise and vice versa - i have a running plan, having googled ' Running plan for fat lazy old person', its ideal and i have started to some degree just trying out with the dogs - tikka finally joined in and did her first little sprint - superb!!! :) and very funny, tups has loved it shes full of energy she needs to burn - hopefully myself and tikka will get there soon !
Depression - well its a daily fight :( but im on the better side of it and despite the continual trauma that keeps hitting me im still fighting on and determined not to slip back down that deep dark pit. Menopause has added to the difficulty of coping with things and i still have far to many days of sadness hurt, pain and misery, although i dont want it showing in my blog here any more i have no doubt it will keep turning up but i did start this blog for my own personal venting/screaming outlet and will continue to use it for that but hopefully with better things happening the misery will fade into the distance (well, i live in hope!)
Along with coping with depression/menopause i am wanting be able to cope with all the crap that hits me, better than i have done before. I have no doubt there will be other losses (although i think we deserve a break) i would love to go through 2012 without losing anyone else :/
Pain management is required - pain does not help with the feeling of misery and of course it makes you feel low - it just grinds you down , getting fit should help and even losing weight so my body has less strain on it .
Im having a HOUSE CLEARANCE - gradually clearing all the stuff we no longer use wear or need - and to finish all the building work and decoration FINALLY get this house done!
I have finances and accounts to sort out, i want my life in some sort of order.
I would like a part time job - or do some thing i can earn some money at to help out with finances - i know from my contracting that full time was far to much for me (certainly due to my health and state of mind) so will be on the watch out for some thing.
One of my first projects has to be my art exhibition due in Feb and ive not even begun yet but will do as of 1st jan - have a few ideas
My other project will be to get my merc back on the road !!!
I need to help my viki get a few things sorted she also had major crap this year too bless her but shes like her mum - fighting on!!
Thats it for now - as part of my plan is also to get a decent sleeping pattern even if i dont sleep i need a routine (not only for sleep but for most things) this is all being put down in my daily plan, im listing so i have something to follow and not just think oh yeah i should have done that and oh yeah i was supposed to be in bed or not eat that or whatever - im putting myself under control so i get to be back in control !
ROLL ON 2012 im waiting for you - and if you are the end of the world at least make my last year a good one!!!
liam
my grandson the yoda lol
Wednesday 28 December 2011
Tuesday 27 December 2011
tick tock tick tock bye bye 2011 !!!!
Im waiting - as i said before i dont want to wish my life away i just think i need closure on this year and a focus to begin YET again - its just been such a hard year even with coming out of the dark pit of depression i was in the years turmoil could easily have pushed me back down but ive clawed into the side of the pit and held on .
~Im looking forward to starting my life again hoping i can work on any trials that come in and disrupt my life any which cause me pain and to find a way to cope with them - but mostly im hoping i will have a new kind of life - I believe ive had more than my or any fair share of sadness hurt pain loss illness and misfortune and good times are long overdue to me and my family - im just looking for a peaceful life , a rest and some comfort.
This life of mine will never be the same again - to many of my loved ones are now in heaven including my lovely mum and life has changed beyond any recognision
From my huge huge family, i now hardly see anyone they all have their lives and the centre of the flower (my mum) has gone - her petals are scattered (we, her family) we may overlap in some ways but that close bond seems to have vanished, all but for my younger sister Georgina whose trying to hang on to our family ties sadly few are there but i have told her "i am always here and always shall be"
As previously mentioned my life has changed beyond recognition -
ME - well weight gain constant ill health - that monster depression (which changes you whole conception of things) and that i think somewhat bigger monster Menopause (yuk) its taken me away from me - yes i can hear me and i appear the same to myself and others (although aged eek) but inside me the person i knew - ME - has gone - absolutely completely (invasion of the body snatchers comes to mind - seriously) I hate being unfit fat and miserable
My life - i no longer have about 60+(sadly so many i lost count) of family and close friends in my life they are gone and their part in my life has gone i only have memories of them there is a huge empty area of my life formed . As each one of them were taken, an emptiness grew inside me a numb pain and void - i dont know how to fill and i know i cant replace. The ultimate as ive stated many times now being my mum - Nothing in my life will ever be the same now - most of all i knew and was familiar with has gone from my life (including me )
I now need to build a new life and a new me - All any of us have of the past are memories but i no longer have those around me that made so many of mine and no more can be made with them.
So - a new life begins, all has changed in my life , little is familiar. My daughter has a new partner and my grandson is a young man, my son lives in mexico with his new partner - my siblings have all gone their own way in life and drifted away from the family ties now mum has gone, other family and friends are no longer here. - i know i continually repeat myself on this matter - i think some is due to the need of, if i keep saying it, it might convince me that they are gone!
so im waiting to close off the last 6/7 years to end 2011 and all that came with it for none of those years have given me any joy or special memories - and i need to move on!
TICK TOCK
Goodbye to 2011 good riddence to the last 6/7 years of heartache, heartbreak and grieving
My other wish for the new year is to have my now new life reflected in my blog here - ive been trying for some time but with a life full of grief its difficult to post the positive as there is so little - but im wanting 2012 to be different for me . 2012 is said to be the end of the world - well my world has gone and i need to build a new one from the ashes and flame rose the phoenix as will I .....
~Im looking forward to starting my life again hoping i can work on any trials that come in and disrupt my life any which cause me pain and to find a way to cope with them - but mostly im hoping i will have a new kind of life - I believe ive had more than my or any fair share of sadness hurt pain loss illness and misfortune and good times are long overdue to me and my family - im just looking for a peaceful life , a rest and some comfort.
This life of mine will never be the same again - to many of my loved ones are now in heaven including my lovely mum and life has changed beyond any recognision
From my huge huge family, i now hardly see anyone they all have their lives and the centre of the flower (my mum) has gone - her petals are scattered (we, her family) we may overlap in some ways but that close bond seems to have vanished, all but for my younger sister Georgina whose trying to hang on to our family ties sadly few are there but i have told her "i am always here and always shall be"
As previously mentioned my life has changed beyond recognition -
ME - well weight gain constant ill health - that monster depression (which changes you whole conception of things) and that i think somewhat bigger monster Menopause (yuk) its taken me away from me - yes i can hear me and i appear the same to myself and others (although aged eek) but inside me the person i knew - ME - has gone - absolutely completely (invasion of the body snatchers comes to mind - seriously) I hate being unfit fat and miserable
My life - i no longer have about 60+(sadly so many i lost count) of family and close friends in my life they are gone and their part in my life has gone i only have memories of them there is a huge empty area of my life formed . As each one of them were taken, an emptiness grew inside me a numb pain and void - i dont know how to fill and i know i cant replace. The ultimate as ive stated many times now being my mum - Nothing in my life will ever be the same now - most of all i knew and was familiar with has gone from my life (including me )
I now need to build a new life and a new me - All any of us have of the past are memories but i no longer have those around me that made so many of mine and no more can be made with them.
So - a new life begins, all has changed in my life , little is familiar. My daughter has a new partner and my grandson is a young man, my son lives in mexico with his new partner - my siblings have all gone their own way in life and drifted away from the family ties now mum has gone, other family and friends are no longer here. - i know i continually repeat myself on this matter - i think some is due to the need of, if i keep saying it, it might convince me that they are gone!
so im waiting to close off the last 6/7 years to end 2011 and all that came with it for none of those years have given me any joy or special memories - and i need to move on!
TICK TOCK
Goodbye to 2011 good riddence to the last 6/7 years of heartache, heartbreak and grieving
My other wish for the new year is to have my now new life reflected in my blog here - ive been trying for some time but with a life full of grief its difficult to post the positive as there is so little - but im wanting 2012 to be different for me . 2012 is said to be the end of the world - well my world has gone and i need to build a new one from the ashes and flame rose the phoenix as will I .....
HOPE ALL HAD A BRILLIANT CHRISTMAS :)
MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL AND HOPE THE NEW YEAR 2012 IS A FABULOUS ONE !
Chrismas was very quiet just the 4 of us Viki Liam Will and myself - later Danny (viks boyfriend) came round but after many years of never less than 10 and up to 25 people for dinner and tea, clearly only 4 was bit of a shock to our system :/
Myself and Will got up and our usual present opening didnt happen as we were the only ones there - guess things are gonna be this way from now on and time to get used to it!
I walked the dogs early in the morning with my sister Georgina, we went and took flowers to mum and dads grave - saw my brother Gerald and had a quick chat then home and dinner prep began. So a very very unusual and quiet Christmas the begining on our new life i guess.
Well - so here we go again - im waiting for 2011 to end - its been yet another crappy year and although i dont want to wish my life away i will be glad to see the back end of it!
I keep hoping things will get better and this year has been so bad (again!) im wishing and hoping 2012 will improve only to be tols 2012 is the end of the world - WELL AINT THAT JUST MY LUCK ! (or same constant bad luck) but putting the end of the world aside my world for 2012 is gonna be better im NOT having another crappy year!!! NO WAY!
Last year started with a funeral as have the past 6 years, it went on with a lot of problems for my daughter, a lot of illness for me, worry about my son as he had become stagnant in his life, worry about my husband over working, and then of course my Mum i could see her decline very slow as it was, she was sad and unwell and tired, i wasnt able to be with her as much as i wanted as i was constantly unwell myself and didnt dare pass any thing on to her. We lost her in August :'( - through out 2011 we lost 12 family and very close friends its been a hard miserable year, among being ill myself i was still battling menopause and depression but fortunately for me despite everything im still clinging on to the edge of that deep dark pit i crawled out of - the fight is now on to get right out of it and walk away.
There have been some good bits but for other people and ive been glad to be part of their life and know there is still some good things happening out there. It gives me hope...
Personally, for me i cant think of any thing good particularly happening, its a daily fight for me. I am thankful for what i do have and for my family all i want is my children to be safe happy and live with ease and for us to have the stresses we have endured to ease up and give us a break! - Finances have been ok ish (bit on and off) as i worked for some time and helped hubby out taking some pressure off him and also having a bit extra cash i could see my daughter and grandson were ok after their problems hit, it cut down on my worries knowing pressure was off of them. Working was a great struggle but i met some special people - i just wish i had been well and with less problems intrupting my working day.
My son flew off to mexico - emotional in the sense that of course i didnt want him so far away and it upset me he had gone but happy for him to finally start having a life again - he needed to move on things had been tough for him since his accident, hes now with a very nice girl and seems very happy. He stays in touch and i got to speak to him christmas day.
This is the first year i have NOT had the flu or even an horrific cold, upset stomach or some other problem (have over done things and my back has flared up but i know some rest will get it right some time soon ) Im tired - errr i mean exhausted it will be good this week to sit back and rest im also indulging in the festive foods because as of 2012 the DIET begins OH YES ! big time ... watch this space lol
So where from here - im hoping no more funerals PLEASE ! in 6 years we have lost a huge 60+ people ive been constantly dragging myself to funerals so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE no more we have had more than our fair share of loss and sadness and grieving !
The DIET begins for 2012 i so need to lose this weight and get fit , fitness is my main objective and to get fit i also need to lose this weight so as of the 1st i will be on it (and so will hubby lmao! )
This is the last year i want to be working and paying out on the house - come on lets finish it! - its dragged on as our time has been taken with the above ^ trials this life has thrown at us but we truely need to finish the house and move on to relax in life a few holidays and sit back - we are rapidly aging and feeling it so this year is the year of completion !
My art exhibit is in February so i have 6 paintings to sort our rapidly :/
So a few goals i want to acheive for 2012 all taking time money and lots of effort (specially that diet :S) lol
BUT HERE IS WISHING YOU ALL A GOOD ONE FOR 2012 - TRUELY TIME FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER AFTER ALL FROM HERE THE ONLY WAY IS UP !
Chrismas was very quiet just the 4 of us Viki Liam Will and myself - later Danny (viks boyfriend) came round but after many years of never less than 10 and up to 25 people for dinner and tea, clearly only 4 was bit of a shock to our system :/
Myself and Will got up and our usual present opening didnt happen as we were the only ones there - guess things are gonna be this way from now on and time to get used to it!
I walked the dogs early in the morning with my sister Georgina, we went and took flowers to mum and dads grave - saw my brother Gerald and had a quick chat then home and dinner prep began. So a very very unusual and quiet Christmas the begining on our new life i guess.
Well - so here we go again - im waiting for 2011 to end - its been yet another crappy year and although i dont want to wish my life away i will be glad to see the back end of it!
I keep hoping things will get better and this year has been so bad (again!) im wishing and hoping 2012 will improve only to be tols 2012 is the end of the world - WELL AINT THAT JUST MY LUCK ! (or same constant bad luck) but putting the end of the world aside my world for 2012 is gonna be better im NOT having another crappy year!!! NO WAY!
Last year started with a funeral as have the past 6 years, it went on with a lot of problems for my daughter, a lot of illness for me, worry about my son as he had become stagnant in his life, worry about my husband over working, and then of course my Mum i could see her decline very slow as it was, she was sad and unwell and tired, i wasnt able to be with her as much as i wanted as i was constantly unwell myself and didnt dare pass any thing on to her. We lost her in August :'( - through out 2011 we lost 12 family and very close friends its been a hard miserable year, among being ill myself i was still battling menopause and depression but fortunately for me despite everything im still clinging on to the edge of that deep dark pit i crawled out of - the fight is now on to get right out of it and walk away.
There have been some good bits but for other people and ive been glad to be part of their life and know there is still some good things happening out there. It gives me hope...
Personally, for me i cant think of any thing good particularly happening, its a daily fight for me. I am thankful for what i do have and for my family all i want is my children to be safe happy and live with ease and for us to have the stresses we have endured to ease up and give us a break! - Finances have been ok ish (bit on and off) as i worked for some time and helped hubby out taking some pressure off him and also having a bit extra cash i could see my daughter and grandson were ok after their problems hit, it cut down on my worries knowing pressure was off of them. Working was a great struggle but i met some special people - i just wish i had been well and with less problems intrupting my working day.
My son flew off to mexico - emotional in the sense that of course i didnt want him so far away and it upset me he had gone but happy for him to finally start having a life again - he needed to move on things had been tough for him since his accident, hes now with a very nice girl and seems very happy. He stays in touch and i got to speak to him christmas day.
This is the first year i have NOT had the flu or even an horrific cold, upset stomach or some other problem (have over done things and my back has flared up but i know some rest will get it right some time soon ) Im tired - errr i mean exhausted it will be good this week to sit back and rest im also indulging in the festive foods because as of 2012 the DIET begins OH YES ! big time ... watch this space lol
So where from here - im hoping no more funerals PLEASE ! in 6 years we have lost a huge 60+ people ive been constantly dragging myself to funerals so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE no more we have had more than our fair share of loss and sadness and grieving !
The DIET begins for 2012 i so need to lose this weight and get fit , fitness is my main objective and to get fit i also need to lose this weight so as of the 1st i will be on it (and so will hubby lmao! )
This is the last year i want to be working and paying out on the house - come on lets finish it! - its dragged on as our time has been taken with the above ^ trials this life has thrown at us but we truely need to finish the house and move on to relax in life a few holidays and sit back - we are rapidly aging and feeling it so this year is the year of completion !
My art exhibit is in February so i have 6 paintings to sort our rapidly :/
So a few goals i want to acheive for 2012 all taking time money and lots of effort (specially that diet :S) lol
BUT HERE IS WISHING YOU ALL A GOOD ONE FOR 2012 - TRUELY TIME FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER AFTER ALL FROM HERE THE ONLY WAY IS UP !
Tuesday 20 December 2011
The last one PLEASE!!!
My blog remains on the sad side due to circumstances
Tomorrow is wilseys funeral :( i so want it to be the last one - 2012 to be funeral free no more please . Alans funeral last week was a cremation - i really dont like them (wilseys is too) but there were over 200 people attended one of the few comforting things is to know how well thought of and loved they were in this life. I hope my friend Sue will do ok - shes alone now, her daughter is grown up and has her own family- this should have been the time she and alan spent together for their selves. Wilsey never married or had children, he was a troubled lad but had sorted things out for his self , I guess we will never know why he decided he couldnt do this life any more shame when poor alan wanted to live and would have given anything :(
Some one told me that i should expect to start losing people as i am now older - i can understand that but i did expect more round the 60's not at 50 and not soooooooo many soooo quickly (some so young)
2005 was the start of this my mum in hospital week before xmas followed by my son xmas eve, i still thank god today for letting him stay with us - i did ask him to take me , but i would rather be here to see my boy safe and grow up. I promised god i would give something up and did so (sorry cant explain) although it pretty much broke my heart to do so, i would do the same again for my either of my kids.
in the next 2 1/2 year period we lost 19 family and close friends 6 years down the line we are into 60+ of them :( this year alone there have been 12 (wilseys being the 12th) So my prayers are now that we have no more of this. That 2012 is funeral free for us - we have had more than our fair share of sadness, grief and hearbreak.
Much of this made me ill, with the addition of that dreaded menopause - so apologies for those who have read my miserable writings - i guess thats what my life has been for a long long time Im hoping this is the last miserable sad post - NO more funerals PLEASE!!!!
Im soooo tired - this last few weeks ive had back pain and sciatica - sadly i seem to have comfort ate :( as it eased it got in control again and lost 3lbs only to catch the sciatica again and what do i do YEP i start stuffing my face - ive gone up a lb and problably more since i weighed earlier as ive continued to confort eat - seems my brain goes numb and i dont seem to know im doing it till its to late :( oh well
Im thinking i will try as best i can xmas coming on its gonna be difficult but hopefully after xmas i can begin again properly !
This pain is dragging me down - i need to get it under control more so than the food, im just worn out now.
Food hospital gives me hope to improve but i think to try as best i can till im well and pain free :(
Tomorrow is wilseys funeral :( i so want it to be the last one - 2012 to be funeral free no more please . Alans funeral last week was a cremation - i really dont like them (wilseys is too) but there were over 200 people attended one of the few comforting things is to know how well thought of and loved they were in this life. I hope my friend Sue will do ok - shes alone now, her daughter is grown up and has her own family- this should have been the time she and alan spent together for their selves. Wilsey never married or had children, he was a troubled lad but had sorted things out for his self , I guess we will never know why he decided he couldnt do this life any more shame when poor alan wanted to live and would have given anything :(
Some one told me that i should expect to start losing people as i am now older - i can understand that but i did expect more round the 60's not at 50 and not soooooooo many soooo quickly (some so young)
2005 was the start of this my mum in hospital week before xmas followed by my son xmas eve, i still thank god today for letting him stay with us - i did ask him to take me , but i would rather be here to see my boy safe and grow up. I promised god i would give something up and did so (sorry cant explain) although it pretty much broke my heart to do so, i would do the same again for my either of my kids.
in the next 2 1/2 year period we lost 19 family and close friends 6 years down the line we are into 60+ of them :( this year alone there have been 12 (wilseys being the 12th) So my prayers are now that we have no more of this. That 2012 is funeral free for us - we have had more than our fair share of sadness, grief and hearbreak.
Much of this made me ill, with the addition of that dreaded menopause - so apologies for those who have read my miserable writings - i guess thats what my life has been for a long long time Im hoping this is the last miserable sad post - NO more funerals PLEASE!!!!
Im soooo tired - this last few weeks ive had back pain and sciatica - sadly i seem to have comfort ate :( as it eased it got in control again and lost 3lbs only to catch the sciatica again and what do i do YEP i start stuffing my face - ive gone up a lb and problably more since i weighed earlier as ive continued to confort eat - seems my brain goes numb and i dont seem to know im doing it till its to late :( oh well
Im thinking i will try as best i can xmas coming on its gonna be difficult but hopefully after xmas i can begin again properly !
This pain is dragging me down - i need to get it under control more so than the food, im just worn out now.
Food hospital gives me hope to improve but i think to try as best i can till im well and pain free :(
Thursday 8 December 2011
out weighing ???
Well, list to out weigh whats been good this week whats been bad :/
BAD
More bad news of bereavements - 2 more funerals to attend this year
Expensive camera fell off the sofa in to cup of tea :( ruined
Had bad headache above my eyes for 2 days
Beens exceptionally tired/exhausted not been able to motivate myself for anything
Just missed my 180 hit it but dart fell out
So much to do till xmas
Will lost half day of work = loss of money - hoping it doesnt hold up weekend work.
Need to sort out my MG costly
Major rude idiot bus drivers
Idiot jay walkers pain in the butt next time i wont stop how rude can people be when its their fault???
Diet going up instead of down
PMT
Been very low
GOOD
Had a nice day shopping with viki and liam
Nice chat with nick
Won my dart game (despite losing my chance of 180)
Every thing is paid to date just need to give kids xmas money and car (car can wait for a bit)
Wills nearly finished weekend work (need weather to hold out)
Anxiety seems to have eased (not gone but eased)
all in all ....
WAITING ..... FOR GOOD TO OUT WEIGH THE BAD
BAD
More bad news of bereavements - 2 more funerals to attend this year
Expensive camera fell off the sofa in to cup of tea :( ruined
Had bad headache above my eyes for 2 days
Beens exceptionally tired/exhausted not been able to motivate myself for anything
Just missed my 180 hit it but dart fell out
So much to do till xmas
Will lost half day of work = loss of money - hoping it doesnt hold up weekend work.
Need to sort out my MG costly
Major rude idiot bus drivers
Idiot jay walkers pain in the butt next time i wont stop how rude can people be when its their fault???
Diet going up instead of down
PMT
Been very low
GOOD
Had a nice day shopping with viki and liam
Nice chat with nick
Won my dart game (despite losing my chance of 180)
Every thing is paid to date just need to give kids xmas money and car (car can wait for a bit)
Wills nearly finished weekend work (need weather to hold out)
Anxiety seems to have eased (not gone but eased)
all in all ....
WAITING ..... FOR GOOD TO OUT WEIGH THE BAD
Sunday 4 December 2011
see what i mean - its just not letting up :/
Well here we go again more sad news and another funeral this is no. 12 thats one a month :( Wilsey - aka richard williams only in his 30's a troubled lad/man worked with hubby for a while was boyfriend to my vikis best friend anthea - he decided he couldnt take this life any more and hung his self last night.
Ive been so low, that those stupid scary thoughts have been close to me i can understand to some degree - depression makes you think irrationally http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Introduction.aspx but i dont know what makes some take that last step, i managed to not go over that edge although i could have done but some people take that step that means theres no going back - Angie Dowds and Gary speed took that step - 2 people seemingly to have all to live for http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2011/11/23/biggest-loser-trainer-angie-dowds-feared-to-have-jumped-to-her-death-at-beachy-head-115875-23582438/ -http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/11/29/gary-speed-dead-inquest-hears-how-wife-found-wales-manager-hanged-at-home-115875-23597855/
RIP Wilsey sad sad days - 2 funerals within a week of each other - Dear god let this be the last one AMEN
Ive been so low, that those stupid scary thoughts have been close to me i can understand to some degree - depression makes you think irrationally http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Introduction.aspx but i dont know what makes some take that last step, i managed to not go over that edge although i could have done but some people take that step that means theres no going back - Angie Dowds and Gary speed took that step - 2 people seemingly to have all to live for http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2011/11/23/biggest-loser-trainer-angie-dowds-feared-to-have-jumped-to-her-death-at-beachy-head-115875-23582438/ -http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/11/29/gary-speed-dead-inquest-hears-how-wife-found-wales-manager-hanged-at-home-115875-23597855/
RIP Wilsey sad sad days - 2 funerals within a week of each other - Dear god let this be the last one AMEN
Thursday 1 December 2011
Well that goal went up in smoke :/
RIP
Tuesday 29 November 2011
*&%£&^)^$)^*&&£**&$%^£$ DIET grrrr lol
So i put on 2lb :/ thats not the object of the game (SNARL) eating healthy jogging a bit doing far more than normal :/ so whats going wrong with this dieting thing then.
Drinking more water - peeing constantly :S
Monitoring my intake (brilliant site - calorie count and its free) fat content has been on the higher side but lot - hugely- lower than previously
Eating lots of fresh veg - fruit
Following the Depression diet in part (watching the higher calorie/fat foods) SO??? what am i doing wrong
yes i have to have more exercise - hoping pmt is the reason but its not hit me yet although i appear to have the symptoms and i havent finished my pill yet! ummmmm
I need to think of what else i can do so im off to browse the web for ideas although i know 'get off my butt' eat less - well i have been :(
guess it means doing a bit more.....
Drinking more water - peeing constantly :S
Monitoring my intake (brilliant site - calorie count and its free) fat content has been on the higher side but lot - hugely- lower than previously
Eating lots of fresh veg - fruit
Following the Depression diet in part (watching the higher calorie/fat foods) SO??? what am i doing wrong
yes i have to have more exercise - hoping pmt is the reason but its not hit me yet although i appear to have the symptoms and i havent finished my pill yet! ummmmm
I need to think of what else i can do so im off to browse the web for ideas although i know 'get off my butt' eat less - well i have been :(
guess it means doing a bit more.....
Monday 28 November 2011
DIETING (before xmas ??)
The dreaded diet is going no-where .... drastic measures are needed and today im on slimfast hoping it will kick me in gear then back to healthy eating
For some time ive been yo yo ing on 2lbs up 2lbs down getting no-where then i will have a gain of 4lbs and not move down from it only to start hte 2lb yo yo ing again :( so 2 replacement meals for me this week and a healthy evening meal lots of veg.
Ive been trying a depression boosting foods diet and i think its helped the only problem is AS PER USUAL is sticking to it and sadly its that PMT week and ive struggled only to find a packed of crisps to curb the craving for a moment :( really annoyed with myself
Note to self DO NOT purchase crisps then you cant eat them!
PMT brings the salt and sugar so crisps and chocolate ughhh!! thankfully inbetween i stuck to my healthy mood lifting foods and not been as bad as usual but it has held my weight in place and hence ive not moved :/
Im busy decorating today so hopefully that will keep my mind off food - The C thing coming up is cause for concern with all the delights of food about all the dining out and drinking :/ im hoping i can at least manage 80% of the time then i wont mind the 20% but i sooooooooo want to get thinner :( time to get my arse in gear or put up and shut up . Sadly now being double my 7stone weight i keep thinking if i dont get in control i will be one of those people they have to knock the house down to get me out, i will end up spending my life in bed eating :( - ok maybe not but who knows i never thought i would be this weight i was almost (naturally not forced) annorexic didnt matter what i did every cream cake in sight and i never moved an ounce i only went up one dress size having my kids and straight back to flat stomach ... After my back injury i went on the sliippery slope of weight gain initially being under 6stone from hospital i had to put on weight for them to let me home - i had a bad reaction to the anaesthetic urghh! mum fed me and fed me and i ate all i could as i didnt want to go back there 2 months of my life was more than enough in hospital! I became a bordom eater through this and its a habit ive not broken however, to add insult to injury i was put on meds that caused weight gain (not to help me put on weight i might add) i had no idea and when i was up and about eating normally and still putting on huge amounts of weight i spoke to the doc (clearly something was wrong) oh yes its the meds your on he casually tell me GRRRRRRRRRRRRR i've never been able to get that weight off. Reading teletext one night it listed meds that cause weight gain and there were mine along with beta blockers and various others and apparently they stay in your system slow your metabolism OH THANKS FOR THAT DOC!!!
They now have the nerve to tell me im over weight ha ha ha !!! guess what i say to them!
So here i am, needing to get off my bum but low blood pressure and fainting being my excuse to sit here a little longer and now its cold to, first frost :( i hate winter !!
Well off to do that decorating before i decide to go to the fridge despite having had my first slimfast :/
For some time ive been yo yo ing on 2lbs up 2lbs down getting no-where then i will have a gain of 4lbs and not move down from it only to start hte 2lb yo yo ing again :( so 2 replacement meals for me this week and a healthy evening meal lots of veg.
Ive been trying a depression boosting foods diet and i think its helped the only problem is AS PER USUAL is sticking to it and sadly its that PMT week and ive struggled only to find a packed of crisps to curb the craving for a moment :( really annoyed with myself
Note to self DO NOT purchase crisps then you cant eat them!
Im busy decorating today so hopefully that will keep my mind off food - The C thing coming up is cause for concern with all the delights of food about all the dining out and drinking :/ im hoping i can at least manage 80% of the time then i wont mind the 20% but i sooooooooo want to get thinner :( time to get my arse in gear or put up and shut up . Sadly now being double my 7stone weight i keep thinking if i dont get in control i will be one of those people they have to knock the house down to get me out, i will end up spending my life in bed eating :( - ok maybe not but who knows i never thought i would be this weight i was almost (naturally not forced) annorexic didnt matter what i did every cream cake in sight and i never moved an ounce i only went up one dress size having my kids and straight back to flat stomach ... After my back injury i went on the sliippery slope of weight gain initially being under 6stone from hospital i had to put on weight for them to let me home - i had a bad reaction to the anaesthetic urghh! mum fed me and fed me and i ate all i could as i didnt want to go back there 2 months of my life was more than enough in hospital! I became a bordom eater through this and its a habit ive not broken however, to add insult to injury i was put on meds that caused weight gain (not to help me put on weight i might add) i had no idea and when i was up and about eating normally and still putting on huge amounts of weight i spoke to the doc (clearly something was wrong) oh yes its the meds your on he casually tell me GRRRRRRRRRRRRR i've never been able to get that weight off. Reading teletext one night it listed meds that cause weight gain and there were mine along with beta blockers and various others and apparently they stay in your system slow your metabolism OH THANKS FOR THAT DOC!!!
They now have the nerve to tell me im over weight ha ha ha !!! guess what i say to them!
So here i am, needing to get off my bum but low blood pressure and fainting being my excuse to sit here a little longer and now its cold to, first frost :( i hate winter !!
Well off to do that decorating before i decide to go to the fridge despite having had my first slimfast :/
Saturday 26 November 2011
Kicking and fighting
Well a few things happening - its kicking in that Nicks not on holiday, ive spoken to him on skype and FB but now feeling the fact hes not here in England and i cant see him - havent seen him for a while and wont be. I hope he will be coming home for a holiday :) and i hope its not to long but flights are expensive so i guess we will wait and see.
Im fighting on, but its been such a tough year to follow the previous 6 rough ones - its left me sick at heart because no matter how i try its just not letting up and talk about being kicked when your down, going dizzy and fainting ive now fallen over and hurt my back :( grrrrr
DIET ahhhh well im still working on that ... bit better than i have been but lost no weight however i have felt bit better with my healthier eating although i have let myself down a few times but hey ho im trying and i plan to get there - No jogging this last week the tiredness has kicked and ive felt quite stressed with tuppence having to go under anaesthetic but shes home very poorly compared to tikka who was bouncing and run out of the vets talk about 2 different reactions. Tups is currently having a few crying moments but finding it better laying on the cool floor tiles. Tikka is still doing very well.
Had some visitors last weekend My niece Jackie popped in then my younger brother his partner and children - we had issues but even though the problem wasnt mine, i decided i needed FOR ME to put them aside. We were always very close and he took that away from us. I think he feels now what he did but it was me that put the matter aside. Since mum died its been obviously hard for all of us but i do believe hes missed our friendship and suprise of suprises came over to my house for the first time in many years. Maybe now we can move on.
Im a bit low but fighting on - i keep taking the kickings of life and all though my kicks back are weak and feeble im am still trying ! here i go again my new style blog is on a downer - so from here its the good bits - not as much as above but lets have a try....
Had lunch with Tracy and Vik yesterday as its Tracys birthday today was a nice afternoon and i was relieved later on to find tups op had gone well.
Diet has not done so well but ive started to supplement my vit deficencies and i think i may be improving - i am tired today but that maybe after the worry of yesterday - i got on quite well earlier felt a bit more 'normal' and eating slightly healthier again still trying! :)
Art exhibit is coming up so sent my forms off just got to get painting now!
Had a letter from my half brother David - He left home a 17 and i hardly know him we couldnt find him in time for mums funeral but now we have and i've sent him photos and given him information he wanted - i believe he wants contact but i have to say from the few moments in the past that ive met him :/ sadly hes not an easy person to get on with but hey lets see how it goes.
Well bit of a struggle but a few things at least - and now i need to zzzzzzz
David as a child one of the few pictures we have of him sadly non as he grew older.
Im fighting on, but its been such a tough year to follow the previous 6 rough ones - its left me sick at heart because no matter how i try its just not letting up and talk about being kicked when your down, going dizzy and fainting ive now fallen over and hurt my back :( grrrrr
DIET ahhhh well im still working on that ... bit better than i have been but lost no weight however i have felt bit better with my healthier eating although i have let myself down a few times but hey ho im trying and i plan to get there - No jogging this last week the tiredness has kicked and ive felt quite stressed with tuppence having to go under anaesthetic but shes home very poorly compared to tikka who was bouncing and run out of the vets talk about 2 different reactions. Tups is currently having a few crying moments but finding it better laying on the cool floor tiles. Tikka is still doing very well.
Had some visitors last weekend My niece Jackie popped in then my younger brother his partner and children - we had issues but even though the problem wasnt mine, i decided i needed FOR ME to put them aside. We were always very close and he took that away from us. I think he feels now what he did but it was me that put the matter aside. Since mum died its been obviously hard for all of us but i do believe hes missed our friendship and suprise of suprises came over to my house for the first time in many years. Maybe now we can move on.
Im a bit low but fighting on - i keep taking the kickings of life and all though my kicks back are weak and feeble im am still trying ! here i go again my new style blog is on a downer - so from here its the good bits - not as much as above but lets have a try....
Had lunch with Tracy and Vik yesterday as its Tracys birthday today was a nice afternoon and i was relieved later on to find tups op had gone well.
Diet has not done so well but ive started to supplement my vit deficencies and i think i may be improving - i am tired today but that maybe after the worry of yesterday - i got on quite well earlier felt a bit more 'normal' and eating slightly healthier again still trying! :)
Art exhibit is coming up so sent my forms off just got to get painting now!
Had a letter from my half brother David - He left home a 17 and i hardly know him we couldnt find him in time for mums funeral but now we have and i've sent him photos and given him information he wanted - i believe he wants contact but i have to say from the few moments in the past that ive met him :/ sadly hes not an easy person to get on with but hey lets see how it goes.
Well bit of a struggle but a few things at least - and now i need to zzzzzzz
David as a child one of the few pictures we have of him sadly non as he grew older.
Thursday 24 November 2011
Its difficult :/
I wanted to change my thinking and doing to improve things to some how put aside all this horribleness that has been in my life for such a long time, and i wanted it to start showing through on here with more positive thoughts and writings - im still trying - however when your life is just filled with sadness and pain almost every day its sooooooooooo difficult, no one really truely understands. When some thing is relentless how do you keep going without screaming, no one can keep having this sort of trauma and pain without it coming through as its the main part of your life and there is little else .
BUT
Moving on ... well
So whats new, tuppence is having her spaying tomorrow - im really worried, shes my fluff ball my little pooch shes laid with me when i couldnt move and let me cuddle her when the pain was so bad and noone else was here to hold me. Tikka has had her lump removed and the fact that she is doing so well makes things easier, shes an old pooch bless her but shes doing well. The lump wasnt benign :( but it wasnt the most vigorous and we will have to monitor her and see how she goes, in the mean time shes fitter and running ha ha yes she ran. shes also got her voice box back :/ ummm lol but it all means shes doing well!
So i may be a wreck tomorrow eeek.....
~THE GIRLS
My friend Tracy has her birthday Saturday :) myself and friend Vikki are going for lunch - need to go find a pressie - will be good to have a distraction whilst tuppence has her op.
Well what next ... we are decorating finally the building work is done and i can get my ' shed ' looking like a house again !! 2 bedrooms underway, we have the tiles for the bathroom at last. The only building work to be done will be the skylight in the landing but it wont interfere with anything else and will be sorted next year. I wont be doing new carpets till next year either i want to get the general decor sorted first, However, this week is drain the money week - end of month all has to be paid and we are a little short from paying for the dogs and we grabbed the tiles whilst they had a discount money we had not intended to spend. We also have to pay for new year tickets and there is a ladies night next weekend so bit of spending going on with little dosh :S
THE DREADED DIETING
Well getting no where fast :/ however im still trying, i have been watching Food Hospital on TV and a lady with depression used food to get well and it worked for her so here i go also along the way i will hopefully lose weight - i have made the bolognaise and its delicious i also had vegetables a 'proper' dinner and im upping the water as i know for a fact that helps because ive done it (and it helped my skin - was best ever) im struggling with exercise but have done some jogging just need to get back in mode and off my bum its been a rough week (again grr)
Im taking so suppliments to help fill the gaps im low on Vit B's iron etc and having a bit of omega 3 and zinc - just been recommended cod liver oil a friend has had some very good results so worth a try!
Well thats it for today ... still clearing things so off i go again and need to shop for that pressie :)
Moving on ... well
So whats new, tuppence is having her spaying tomorrow - im really worried, shes my fluff ball my little pooch shes laid with me when i couldnt move and let me cuddle her when the pain was so bad and noone else was here to hold me. Tikka has had her lump removed and the fact that she is doing so well makes things easier, shes an old pooch bless her but shes doing well. The lump wasnt benign :( but it wasnt the most vigorous and we will have to monitor her and see how she goes, in the mean time shes fitter and running ha ha yes she ran. shes also got her voice box back :/ ummm lol but it all means shes doing well!
So i may be a wreck tomorrow eeek.....
My friend Tracy has her birthday Saturday :) myself and friend Vikki are going for lunch - need to go find a pressie - will be good to have a distraction whilst tuppence has her op.
UMMMMM DONT ASK HA HA HA!!!
Well what next ... we are decorating finally the building work is done and i can get my ' shed ' looking like a house again !! 2 bedrooms underway, we have the tiles for the bathroom at last. The only building work to be done will be the skylight in the landing but it wont interfere with anything else and will be sorted next year. I wont be doing new carpets till next year either i want to get the general decor sorted first, However, this week is drain the money week - end of month all has to be paid and we are a little short from paying for the dogs and we grabbed the tiles whilst they had a discount money we had not intended to spend. We also have to pay for new year tickets and there is a ladies night next weekend so bit of spending going on with little dosh :S
THE DREADED DIETING
Well getting no where fast :/ however im still trying, i have been watching Food Hospital on TV and a lady with depression used food to get well and it worked for her so here i go also along the way i will hopefully lose weight - i have made the bolognaise and its delicious i also had vegetables a 'proper' dinner and im upping the water as i know for a fact that helps because ive done it (and it helped my skin - was best ever) im struggling with exercise but have done some jogging just need to get back in mode and off my bum its been a rough week (again grr)
Im taking so suppliments to help fill the gaps im low on Vit B's iron etc and having a bit of omega 3 and zinc - just been recommended cod liver oil a friend has had some very good results so worth a try!
Well thats it for today ... still clearing things so off i go again and need to shop for that pressie :)
Monday 14 November 2011
Plodding on,,,,,,
Not back to work with only a week left on my contract i dont think i will be returning - :(
However, i had a really nice day yesterday - went to mums grave with sis - walked the dogs tikka is doing really well, we then had a coffee and walked up town to the memorial service for rememberane sunday.
Later in the day sis came up with her hubby and we as a nice evening and a takeaway was a real nice change and if was feeling better although very tired!
Im lazing today but have stuff to do i would like to jog with the dogs but if i do it will have to be later just cant get going yet - im sleeping to much and not sure what to do about it :/
so off for another snooze and hopefully move off my butt later !
However, i had a really nice day yesterday - went to mums grave with sis - walked the dogs tikka is doing really well, we then had a coffee and walked up town to the memorial service for rememberane sunday.
Later in the day sis came up with her hubby and we as a nice evening and a takeaway was a real nice change and if was feeling better although very tired!
Im lazing today but have stuff to do i would like to jog with the dogs but if i do it will have to be later just cant get going yet - im sleeping to much and not sure what to do about it :/
so off for another snooze and hopefully move off my butt later !
Thursday 10 November 2011
Trying !!!
Well - Bad day yesterday, various things but i got through it although it upset me - darts went better than expected considering i was feeling quite poorly
HOWEVER, today ive arranged to go jogging with my mate Vikki (not to be confused with my daughter Viki) only 2 yrs older than my vik but we are friends our relationship isnt like a mother and daughter like many think we should be, we are actually friends as i am friends with Vikki's mum Denise and other friends of mine like Tracy who are close to my own age. We play darts together and at the moment are on the dreaded weight loss and fitness thing - getting nowhere fast :( but at least trying and today we are trying to jog :)
So TRYING!!!! yes trying to move forward put yesterdays crap day behind me and although im not feeling to well im gonna try to jog - i have shopping to do later :( eek mother hubbard cupboard so need to go and i need to sort this house out some what a task that seems never ending and i cant blame Nick any more :/
I had a lovely chat via FB with my nick hes basically on holiday at mo i guess it will take time to move in to nomality also chatted with his girl Viri :) shes very nice and i have to smile as she doesnt totally understand our humour :D
They move in to their own place next weekend and are excited bless them - i guess from then it will stop being like a holiday . so happy for them but miss him so much !
Well need to get going :)
HOWEVER, today ive arranged to go jogging with my mate Vikki (not to be confused with my daughter Viki) only 2 yrs older than my vik but we are friends our relationship isnt like a mother and daughter like many think we should be, we are actually friends as i am friends with Vikki's mum Denise and other friends of mine like Tracy who are close to my own age. We play darts together and at the moment are on the dreaded weight loss and fitness thing - getting nowhere fast :( but at least trying and today we are trying to jog :)
I had a lovely chat via FB with my nick hes basically on holiday at mo i guess it will take time to move in to nomality also chatted with his girl Viri :) shes very nice and i have to smile as she doesnt totally understand our humour :D
They move in to their own place next weekend and are excited bless them - i guess from then it will stop being like a holiday . so happy for them but miss him so much !
Well need to get going :)
Monday 7 November 2011
Trying to avoid the nasties :/
My new blog is suposed to be only good but its difficult in this life of crap that keeps falling on me - Been dragged into someones elses problems - not sure how - and with being unwell its taken its toll on me today :( Im unwell (not been to work for 4 weeks ) low blood pressure and anxiety hmm nothing working to help me get well so far but ...... (well we will see)!
My lovely friend Deliska (who always makes smile at difficult times) has suggested making a list of positives
Its difficult to do this year its been even more full of sadness than the previous 6 years of heartache - i didnt really think it could be anyworse but some how it keeps managing to do so.
Gonna try...
1) Im happy for my son hes finally moving on in life hes now living in mexico (there is sadness in this to for me as hes so far away) I am truely pleased for him just wish he was here
2) My daughter has moved jobs, she seems to like it i hope it all goes well for her she needs some good things in her life (some sadness here too for me as she will no longer be calling in so frequently as shes no longer local) but im glad she too is moving forward
3) My little grandson is getting a big lad now and has a 'girlfriend' Rachel awww bless
4) Tikka Probets got through her op , my mums little pommeranian had a lump on her mammary gland, she came to live with us when my mum passed away in august and this further bad news when bathing her but despite her 12yrs shes got through the op very well and doing nicely thank you!! Tups is being spayed next and praying all will be ok for her too!
5)My lovely friend (mentioned above) got married , i started this blog after reading hers it has helped me hugely for my own personal thoughts through some very bad times it allowed me to vent and cry and see myself on reading back how things were. As i say she married this year she has found a wonderful man and is very happy and that makes me happy :)
That is pretty much my list - its mostly for others that i am happy through them i have been able to smile and able to go on - Ive been trying to think of some things that made me personally happy but i cant, however i have thought of a few acheivements that i have made through a tough time -
1) I managed all my mums estate and sorted all her belongings and just about everything despite a family of 10, i did it at a time i was grieving but the main acheivement of this was that i got through it all
2) Its a slippery slope but im still clinging on to the edge of that dark pit i spent to long in i dont intend going down there and despite the 10 people including my lovely mum passing away this year all the other crap, and other peoples :( im still hanging on - i admit to a few bad days but allowing myself those there has been a lot of grief but im hanging on in there im not sliding down!
3) Illness attacks me once again - ive decided not to return to work, i cant do it and i have decide that i come first i need to get well - I have loved the job (athough full time ) and met the most wonderful people ive ever worked with and feel sad to make this decision but i need to look after me!
The above wont mean much to many but its a huge acheivement for me this is the 7th year and the last of all things nasty if it comes my way for 2012 then im walking away - i want no more of it ( i cant take anymore) so New beginings and although i dont want to wish my life away i will be glad to see the back of 2011 and the previous 6 years i sometimes cant believe all the huge amount of pain hurt distress and loss of loved ones that we have endured - NO MORE!!! that is the last of it.
HA HA the Diet hmmm trying but not acheiving - working on it with my sister we are both struggling a little but i think we need time considering the year its been - We wont ever get over losing our mum but we will move on mum is with us in our hearts and souls and we will get healthy and fit with her blessings :)
ITS A Begin againg Diet too lol
So thats it for today - not as happy a blog as i would wish but im hanging on in there !! that is the main thing
And a few photos of the good things :)
My lovely friend Deliska (who always makes smile at difficult times) has suggested making a list of positives
Its difficult to do this year its been even more full of sadness than the previous 6 years of heartache - i didnt really think it could be anyworse but some how it keeps managing to do so.
Gonna try...
1) Im happy for my son hes finally moving on in life hes now living in mexico (there is sadness in this to for me as hes so far away) I am truely pleased for him just wish he was here
2) My daughter has moved jobs, she seems to like it i hope it all goes well for her she needs some good things in her life (some sadness here too for me as she will no longer be calling in so frequently as shes no longer local) but im glad she too is moving forward
3) My little grandson is getting a big lad now and has a 'girlfriend' Rachel awww bless
4) Tikka Probets got through her op , my mums little pommeranian had a lump on her mammary gland, she came to live with us when my mum passed away in august and this further bad news when bathing her but despite her 12yrs shes got through the op very well and doing nicely thank you!! Tups is being spayed next and praying all will be ok for her too!
5)My lovely friend (mentioned above) got married , i started this blog after reading hers it has helped me hugely for my own personal thoughts through some very bad times it allowed me to vent and cry and see myself on reading back how things were. As i say she married this year she has found a wonderful man and is very happy and that makes me happy :)
That is pretty much my list - its mostly for others that i am happy through them i have been able to smile and able to go on - Ive been trying to think of some things that made me personally happy but i cant, however i have thought of a few acheivements that i have made through a tough time -
1) I managed all my mums estate and sorted all her belongings and just about everything despite a family of 10, i did it at a time i was grieving but the main acheivement of this was that i got through it all
2) Its a slippery slope but im still clinging on to the edge of that dark pit i spent to long in i dont intend going down there and despite the 10 people including my lovely mum passing away this year all the other crap, and other peoples :( im still hanging on - i admit to a few bad days but allowing myself those there has been a lot of grief but im hanging on in there im not sliding down!
3) Illness attacks me once again - ive decided not to return to work, i cant do it and i have decide that i come first i need to get well - I have loved the job (athough full time ) and met the most wonderful people ive ever worked with and feel sad to make this decision but i need to look after me!
The above wont mean much to many but its a huge acheivement for me this is the 7th year and the last of all things nasty if it comes my way for 2012 then im walking away - i want no more of it ( i cant take anymore) so New beginings and although i dont want to wish my life away i will be glad to see the back of 2011 and the previous 6 years i sometimes cant believe all the huge amount of pain hurt distress and loss of loved ones that we have endured - NO MORE!!! that is the last of it.
HA HA the Diet hmmm trying but not acheiving - working on it with my sister we are both struggling a little but i think we need time considering the year its been - We wont ever get over losing our mum but we will move on mum is with us in our hearts and souls and we will get healthy and fit with her blessings :)
ITS A Begin againg Diet too lol
So thats it for today - not as happy a blog as i would wish but im hanging on in there !! that is the main thing
Friday 28 October 2011
Life has truely changed
My life has truely changed this year more so than any other time - I no longer have my mum :( and lost others that have been part of my life. Tomorrow is going to be very difficult as my lovely son Nick flies off to start a new life in Mexico - I am so sad :( but i know he needs to move on with his life, the accident he had changed life for him and hes sat dormant for a long while and ive been worried for a long while. But now hes found a lovely girl and is off to begin living again. It seems such a long way away and i will not be part of my boys life as i am now. So yes im sad but happy that hes happy - i know he has to move on - just wish it was down the road !
My viki to has moved on, getting a new job lots better for her and shes pleased to be moving to a better position but that to isnt local so no more cups of tea in the morning for her mum :( she will now be working full time and i will see little of her so im sad about that too :(
SO i guess its time for me to move on to - my life has changed and im kinda left in limbo cos all those around that needed me wont be here. I need to find a place for me, what i want for my future Time to begin a new life
I want to set myself some goals
Firstly i want to get fit and lose this FAT ugh!
My current contracting job will come to an end in the next couple of months and although i will miss my colleagues and friends i no longer like the job with all the changes having been made So next is what work do i want??
I may look at home business but that way i will probably have little contact with others and im thinking maybe meeting and interacting with others will be best for me as i adjust to the changes in my life. Maybe a part time something will be good ?
Well they are the first 2 main goals - i will probably add to this list and hopefully complete each goal.
I am sooooooo PROUD of my kids i cant even begin to tell anyone how proud. All mums think their kids are the best (course they are) but i have other people telling me too and that is amazing - to be stopped in the street and told how wonderful your kids are is the ultimate praise anyone can give you.
But even with out it im proud always have been - They too have gone through a lot of hurt and pain with the extreme loss's of our family and friends over these last 6 years, they were really close to my mum, probably more so than any of the others and losing her was a huge huge loss to all of us and massive loss to them, but they have handled all of it so well and looked after me.
Im want them to have the best of life from now on and hopefully as they move on, their new starts will bring all good to them . We have had more than our fair share of crap our lives have changed damatically Its now time for the good times!!!1
My viki to has moved on, getting a new job lots better for her and shes pleased to be moving to a better position but that to isnt local so no more cups of tea in the morning for her mum :( she will now be working full time and i will see little of her so im sad about that too :(
SO i guess its time for me to move on to - my life has changed and im kinda left in limbo cos all those around that needed me wont be here. I need to find a place for me, what i want for my future Time to begin a new life
I want to set myself some goals
Firstly i want to get fit and lose this FAT ugh!
My current contracting job will come to an end in the next couple of months and although i will miss my colleagues and friends i no longer like the job with all the changes having been made So next is what work do i want??
I may look at home business but that way i will probably have little contact with others and im thinking maybe meeting and interacting with others will be best for me as i adjust to the changes in my life. Maybe a part time something will be good ?
Well they are the first 2 main goals - i will probably add to this list and hopefully complete each goal.
I am sooooooo PROUD of my kids i cant even begin to tell anyone how proud. All mums think their kids are the best (course they are) but i have other people telling me too and that is amazing - to be stopped in the street and told how wonderful your kids are is the ultimate praise anyone can give you.
But even with out it im proud always have been - They too have gone through a lot of hurt and pain with the extreme loss's of our family and friends over these last 6 years, they were really close to my mum, probably more so than any of the others and losing her was a huge huge loss to all of us and massive loss to them, but they have handled all of it so well and looked after me.
Im want them to have the best of life from now on and hopefully as they move on, their new starts will bring all good to them . We have had more than our fair share of crap our lives have changed damatically Its now time for the good times!!!1
Tuesday 18 October 2011
Finals night Darts team whoo trophys for me and the girls :D
Finals night heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey ! brilliant night absolutely blotto'd
you will seeeeee from the pics - embarrassing pics coming up!
you will seeeeee from the pics - embarrassing pics coming up!
Saturday 8 October 2011
End of this !!!
Ive decided to change my blog look and update things i want things ALL things to change - its not going to be easy or all at once i have another funeral to go to but im looking at it to be the last one!
I have started new years and new beginings time after time and here i go again! I may have to see this year out but im not having this one trail into another im going to make changes i cant stops somethings but i keep trying and im not going to stop it keep hitting me, i keep getting kicked when im down but the devil is not staying on my back any longer i am not having him dig his claws in any more its time for me to get rid of him and make changes !! SO HERE I GO AGAIN AGAIN wish me luck :/
I have started new years and new beginings time after time and here i go again! I may have to see this year out but im not having this one trail into another im going to make changes i cant stops somethings but i keep trying and im not going to stop it keep hitting me, i keep getting kicked when im down but the devil is not staying on my back any longer i am not having him dig his claws in any more its time for me to get rid of him and make changes !! SO HERE I GO AGAIN AGAIN wish me luck :/
Dont Judge me !!!
Worried about my vik various things and my nick is off to live in mexico - i know it will be good for him after his accident he kinda stopped living and this will be good for him but im sad :( i dont want him to go i dont want to miss his life but i know he needs to do this
WHAT A SHIT LIFE - dont get me wrong i love living - some one said you create your own fate - how the hell can you stop people form dying and stop yourself from greiving for them? I've had this for 6 long long years i thought the ultimate being my mum, that would be the end of it but no - 2 more funerals ffs!!! is is going to end??? i guess not people, loved ones are always going to die but so many ???? so soon??? i expected in my 60's to start losing people but 50's ?? maybe a few but not this many but its not only losing all those loved ones - everything has been horrible - money, work, illness, cars , household things every thing is wrong or going wrong - THIS JUST CAN NOT GO ON really now - Some one said God tests us but i dont think he does, if he loves us hes not going to let any one of us put up with the shit that goes on, on this earth but the devil on the other hand would throw all he can at us leaving God and us to clear up the mess
God wouldnt be so cruel would he?? is that what he is some one to test us by letting us go though this??
No i dont believe its God - the devil is on my back and digging his claws in God has been around and helped when i needed him most, my son is still alive after 5 1/2 hours fighting for his life - I asked God to take me instead but that i would rather have my son and be here for him too and my prayer was answered.
I know im lucky to some people on this earth, i do know! but we all live in our own bubbles and my bubble has been full of heartache and pain, i often wonder what i did wrong? what went wrong? i have never asked for much just an easy life i dont know why i deserve to keep having this pain, for it to be going on for so long and the only future i see is more of it :(
I LIVE IN HOPE - almost a joke in itself so im removing it from my title HOPE was suposed to be there among all the ugly horrible crap, i tried hoping but its not there nowhere to be seen :(
Well there is my doom and gloom for the session - i feel sick to the stomach and fed up as per usual
Many come here and read my depressing blog but i have few followers due to its content and even they dont really bother i dont blame them shying away finding it distasteful spoiling their days reading sadness hurt and pain well they are only reading it im living it ! i dont shy away when they have a bad day i try to support and help but i have few that stand with me and even they cant cope with this WELL NEITHER CAN I but i dont get to turn the page :(
Dont Judge me - you dont know me - you dont have this hurt and pain you dont live with depression that has made you so ill you couldnt function - and i dont want you to know it this blog is for me, maybe once in a while someone with depression or with greiving or with such pain and bad luck, passing through will read that they are not alone and maybe that thought will help them through cos if i can do it so can they!
Saturday 17 September 2011
Life is changing again ...
I know life doesnt stop moving on, but this last 6 years i have had such huge changes in my life its left me spinning, i feel like i have been in the midst of the biggest tornado thrown around in turmoil only to find on the few glimmers of escape that ive been transfered to a whirl pool spinning round almost drowning!
This year has been no different to the last 5, i have lost many people i loved dearly over these years and this year no different in the exception that one of those i lost was my mother.
I dont know how i have managed through these past weeks, maybe because ive been so busy as it came down to me to sort everything from funeral to clearing her home to chief consoler of the rest of the family, but i do know that i seem to have coped with the biggest heartbreak of these last 6 years better than i ever thought i would. I am here and still holding on, something i was unable to do for others when all this trauma decided to enter my life. Sheer overload (and the menopause) hit me and knocked me off my feet leaving me ill for some years but i fought back and for some time now have been hanging on the edge, clawing my nails in to ensure i dont slip back down that dark lonely abyss that i was in for so long.
There were many who helped and supported me, but with this kind of illness you have to help yourself first but thats almost impossible, i cant explain how i manged to get through as i dont really know .
With recently losing my mother, it has given me to think of my childhood and i have reflected on my life, my mum was a strong woman going through much in her life and its made me think that maybe its what my parents gave to me, taught me as i grew, that there is in me a hidden strength i didnt know i had.
In saying that, I had always thought myself as a strong person and couldnt understand being ill as i was, i felt this was week of me, that i couldnt fight it off and how i allowed it to destroy me and my world but now im coming to believe that my strength has always been with me, it just got lost for a while.
I have a long way to go with grieving for my mum, i am still grieving for all those i lost years ago but i am slowly learning to live with that pain , with the loss, emptiness and sometimes numbness that comes with it. There are a huge huge amount of emotions through the greiving process and i am still having many of them one of the worst being this deep painful almost sickening ache inside.
Depression and grief would be more than enough to knock anyone down and make it almost unacheivable to get up again but i had that added torment of the menopause hit me in addition. I wonder how anyone has coped with me and in fact still are.
My life has changed dramatically once again - I dont know how to adjust to this one, i was cooking the other day and thought i would do a little extra for mum, just as quickly the realisation hit me that it wouldnt be needed ever again.I have had regrets that because of my being so ill i was unable to be with my mum much during these last few years of her life but i have to remind myself that i was with her when she needed me most, she was not alone and i ensured she wasnt, the one thing she was afraid of.
So where do i go from here - i really dont know!! The centre point of our huge family has gone, the one link left that each one of us hung on to is no longer there. I know our family will now see little of each other, we had gone our seperate ways long ago with only mum keeping us within each others lives.
It saddens me deeply that our once tight knit family are now likely to become practically strangers.
I imagine it being like a flower that has to let go of its petals as it dies, the petals scattered and no longer forming that once beautiful flower, now just a single petal once a part of something special but now alone with no way of being a flower ever again.
I am currently fighting off the fear of my own mortality, of all that i might, should have done in my life. Regrets keep seeping through and i keep thinking how short a time i have left to change things and a bigger fear that i will acheive nothing.
I am waiting for the time that i get to write the last blog like this one, that my next blogs will be with a more positive out look and changes happening for the better for THINGS FINALLY TO GET BETTER! and start living it the reality instead of in hope!
This year has been no different to the last 5, i have lost many people i loved dearly over these years and this year no different in the exception that one of those i lost was my mother.
I dont know how i have managed through these past weeks, maybe because ive been so busy as it came down to me to sort everything from funeral to clearing her home to chief consoler of the rest of the family, but i do know that i seem to have coped with the biggest heartbreak of these last 6 years better than i ever thought i would. I am here and still holding on, something i was unable to do for others when all this trauma decided to enter my life. Sheer overload (and the menopause) hit me and knocked me off my feet leaving me ill for some years but i fought back and for some time now have been hanging on the edge, clawing my nails in to ensure i dont slip back down that dark lonely abyss that i was in for so long.
There were many who helped and supported me, but with this kind of illness you have to help yourself first but thats almost impossible, i cant explain how i manged to get through as i dont really know .
With recently losing my mother, it has given me to think of my childhood and i have reflected on my life, my mum was a strong woman going through much in her life and its made me think that maybe its what my parents gave to me, taught me as i grew, that there is in me a hidden strength i didnt know i had.
In saying that, I had always thought myself as a strong person and couldnt understand being ill as i was, i felt this was week of me, that i couldnt fight it off and how i allowed it to destroy me and my world but now im coming to believe that my strength has always been with me, it just got lost for a while.
I have a long way to go with grieving for my mum, i am still grieving for all those i lost years ago but i am slowly learning to live with that pain , with the loss, emptiness and sometimes numbness that comes with it. There are a huge huge amount of emotions through the greiving process and i am still having many of them one of the worst being this deep painful almost sickening ache inside.
Depression and grief would be more than enough to knock anyone down and make it almost unacheivable to get up again but i had that added torment of the menopause hit me in addition. I wonder how anyone has coped with me and in fact still are.
My life has changed dramatically once again - I dont know how to adjust to this one, i was cooking the other day and thought i would do a little extra for mum, just as quickly the realisation hit me that it wouldnt be needed ever again.I have had regrets that because of my being so ill i was unable to be with my mum much during these last few years of her life but i have to remind myself that i was with her when she needed me most, she was not alone and i ensured she wasnt, the one thing she was afraid of.
So where do i go from here - i really dont know!! The centre point of our huge family has gone, the one link left that each one of us hung on to is no longer there. I know our family will now see little of each other, we had gone our seperate ways long ago with only mum keeping us within each others lives.
It saddens me deeply that our once tight knit family are now likely to become practically strangers.
I imagine it being like a flower that has to let go of its petals as it dies, the petals scattered and no longer forming that once beautiful flower, now just a single petal once a part of something special but now alone with no way of being a flower ever again.
I am currently fighting off the fear of my own mortality, of all that i might, should have done in my life. Regrets keep seeping through and i keep thinking how short a time i have left to change things and a bigger fear that i will acheive nothing.
I am waiting for the time that i get to write the last blog like this one, that my next blogs will be with a more positive out look and changes happening for the better for THINGS FINALLY TO GET BETTER! and start living it the reality instead of in hope!
Tuesday 6 September 2011
Our liam is at 'BIG' school now
Well bless him, our little liam is almost a man now, 2 more years at school , next he will be driving and working awwww
Hes a good lad bless him
MY GRANDSON
All grown up!!!
Hes a good lad bless him
MY GRANDSON
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