Who knows what life brings ? My life

Today ive thought a lot about my life I do  have much to be thankful for but its not been easy - so short review with the hopes of putting the pain that was in my past in the past 


 Im one of 10 - no. 8 to be precise  - As a child i grew up in a lively full house. I was very much the mouse of the family  the 'wallflower' expression was me quite shy although with my moments when i errupted - usually when i felt unfairness, i have this high moral ground that i sit upon and despite being so painfully shy i couldnt see injustice being done. I even fronted the school bully lol who would have guessed the mouse doing that. I was extremely thin but fit I ate when i wanted and what i wanted but i enjoyed gymnastics and  running, i was country long distance runner. I was smitten by a 6 former named simon far beyond my league or/and age. I had my moments not being the prettiest but not ugly either - i had those that said wow and those the were'nt so kind although due to having 7 brothers few pushed their luck lol


I had a best friends Sue i grew up with but her mum didnt seem to think i was good enough that she should be moving on to better. It broke my heart we were so close. I have posted here about Martyn he too was a member of our gang he took his own life recently - I just dont know how to explain to anyone how sad its made me. He apparently loved me - but to me he was like a brother - we did speak about it and he accepted this and we remaind and  were always friends. I guess for me he was around so much that he became more part of my family where as we grew his feelings were different. His death recently broke this already shattered heart.
I had another best friend Sharon - through my early teens we became like peas in a pod at school - not so much socially until later - we went to college together where we driffed apart and i became friends with Tracy who i had known at school but we were in different groups we are still friends today- i stay in contact with sharon too but see little of her.
My dad was an alcoholic. As a youngster i didnt understand he was an RAF officer before the war a very intelligent man, no one not even other RAF officers had beat my dad at the card memory game, and one day at 15 yrs old i did - he was so proud - he told me that he always knew i was like him, i would have loved to have had just an ounce of his intelligence . 
We were a large and poor family but as a child it hardly effected me. My parents always had food on the table, my dad had allotments which we all helped out on and i have good memories of greengage plums and large purple victoria plums - apples but the hundreds and munching on carrots just pulled from the earth and sitting with the family chatting whilst we podded peas and broadbeans. The boys would go rabbiting we grew up on stews of various sorts. When christmas came we always had a 'big' present always new almost like my parents wanted to make up for what we didnt have the rest of the year. I remember the front room was kept for best and at christmas a tree almost the size of the room  and with so many of us in the family the presents filled the rest of it - looking through the crack of the door with tinsel sparkling and lights flashing and gifts to the ceiling it was magical for any child.
We had pets dogs Trudy and Podge - cats twinkle and a siamese named minka an amazing budgie named Charlie each of which have their own story ( i may tell some time) we had tamed mice and i had my own birds the first of which was Fonz lmao!
Our bedrooms were shared, but as the family got older and left home or/and married our bedroom sharing dwindled until just me and my sister .  My brothers told us stories constantly all sorts we were brought up to use our imaginations not like to day with computers and iphones but with made up stories and books and play


As i got to teenager, i got to realise my family were not the norm - you get to understand that others dont live as you do - My dad left me with a fear of bringing friends home as it was difficult to know if he would be sober, apparently for some years my family thought i had no friends. My friend once told people ' we cant go to jaynes as her dads a drunk' ive never felt so hurt and small but i learnt from it and when it came to friends going to friends i used to say first 'my dads an alcoholic so your unable to come to mine' in my mind my dad wasnt a drunk, they were the ones laying in the street not my dad :/ But i learned to live with it - despite the hard times we had because of my dads problems, i loved my dad and miss him always.
We were poor and that was hard too - when your friends have all the new and latest clothes and  you only have old hand me downs , its very difficult. Why do they have new stuff??? i didnt understand money only that my things were nothing like theirs.


I went to college for a year and became a secretary - ive had good jobs throughout my life with time off at various times to bring up my kids

Its hot hot hot ! inside and out :/

OH YES its hot - the heating is fixed (few minor alterations needed but up and running) And would you credit it ..... yes its been a beautiful day :D lmao ! typical or what - but its nice having the central heating the electric heaters we had were ok albeit expensive but some how the house felt dampish at times - with the central  heating its just taken that away although like i say at the moment its rather hot due to tweaking required :/


:(  bad me bad me although accidental - today Tikka got hurt, silly little mutt sat against the kitchen door and of  course when it was opened OUCH bless her it caught her leg and she has yelped and cried - its cut near her claw - it doesnt appear to have pulled the claw shes limped lots but is walking on the leg - i think she can stay home tomorrow no church run for her, she needs to heal :'( upset but i didnt know she was sat there, not able to see through doors as of yet :( but she seems ok having bit of a sulk and rest - keeping an eye on her.

THE DIET  
well i lost the 3lb i put on so back to 5lbs to lose to be down in next stone - want to stop yo yo ing need to get my head back round things - starting to get my head round the loss of my friend but its hard . Plodding on did a 40 length swim which is 2/3rds of a mile :D and did a long walk - church run tomorrow - needing to get back in to food mode now!




:( :( yes more sad news My 'auntie' Vi Conway has passed away - (my sisters godmother) also another Thamensian Eileen Tite i went to school with her son Paul and know the family well - seems Thame is more in heaven now than here on earth :( 
RIP VI & EILEEN

Bathroom is still on going - all but finished though, just at a halt due to the heating being done. Its just finishing touches all else is up and running - we cant do the shower yet thats possibly next on the list other than if we can get the kitchen lights done. We will see - getting there :)

not my first choice :/ i would have done white but found a nice one with a grey smudge i liked but it would have been £600 more :/ found a nice matt stone tile but that would have been £1500 more eek! so i compromised so that i could have a clean decent FINISHED bathroom - and its ok :) 

No heatwave :/

We are having the new boiler fitted Wednesday, a heatwave is predicted - everyone thinks that, after 5 years of no central heating , now that we are finally getting it sorted and fitted , we will have a heatwave and central heating will  wont be required :/ ummm - I suspect they could be correct lmao
that would be just our luck.

Its costing a small fortune :/ but it is well overdue. We havent really recovered from the purchase of the tiles and bathroom makeover but we had hubbys tax rebate and didnt want it to be flittered away so YEEEEEAAAAAAAH we will have heating :)  EXCELENT

-Whats next - well after the clean up we can get on with what we started - bathroom is very nearly done - yes truely - and we will finish it  I AM NOT having it left with bits still needing to be done years later, i want to strike it off the list as DONE , FINITO, NO MORE TO DO!!!

After the boiler is fitted we can look at the lighting but its another big expense so i may be without a ceiling for some time however we do get to finish other things - we have a list 
Kitchen lighting         big expense
Showers                     expensive
Shower rooms           tiling and have most the stuff required

Have to think about sound proofing - noisy neighbours :/ can be expensive and a lot of work  will be for lounge and our room + one spare room


wallpaper for spare rooms  
carpet for spare room
office stuff for spare room
our room                   
                                    bigger job - new ceiling/plaster walls re plaster - decor, carpet wardrobes etc


landing /hall              
                                    would like a sky light - general decor new carpet

lounge                     
                                    work depends on soundproofing walls, we have the tiles - general decor -
                                    new curtains the rest is fine - maybe a bigger tv as a treat :D underfloor 
                                    heating (will we need it ? costly :/ )
Conservatory          
                                   needs a makeover re some damp bigger job outside than in and will be done
                                   in summer 
Kitchen                   
                                  The biggy - the lights as mentioned above - the pool wire (as it needs to be         
                                  underfloor before tiling kitchen floor) Tiles - wall and floor, units/doors
                                  work top, decor.  (toilet shower room to be done but have most stuff)


garden/pool             garden pretty much done - wall needs attention and pool needs to be refurbed    
                                 due to snow damage :/ 
  


DONE!!! - well its a bigger list than it looks and an expensive one .... we will get there!


THE DIET

Easy- its just not happening :/
Martyn dying hit me bad - but i intend to make sure i start living better and losing this weight and getting fit is the main thing - i have come to realise that i do  have to recover first from grieving (yet again) when this happens i cant concentrate on healthy eating and fitness i have to concentrate on not slipping down that deep dark pit, im allowing myself to rest and greive properly instead of trying to carry on - i know that carrying on just doesnt work for me.  But one day at a time, im plodding on im hoping to get started again friday as im off swimming with my friend tracy and maybe an exercise class (eeeeekkk!) 

Thats if for now folks need to zzzzzzzzz  



 

7th year and i didnt break a mirror !

This is year 7 - 7 bad years - do i get 7 good ones ??? i think they are well over due for what i and my family have endured these past years. Today a friend lost his dad - i didnt know him but i know my friend like i many times is now having to endure that pain of loss :( 

Currently im on this kinda yo yo trip of up and down my blog tonight is gonna be my goods and bads im still waiting for them to at least balance, wouldnt it be wonderful for goods to out weigh the bad



Good                                                                                          Bad
Bathroom is almost done                                                              Still things causing problems in bathroom :/
Had some nice chats with my yo friends                                        My friend Chris just lost his dad
Hubby got me lovely valentines flowers 34th year :)                       My friend Jennys little dog is seriously ill
Sorted out wills accounts got rebate                                              Had to get tiles left us skint :/
Snows not as bad as last year                                                       But its SNOWED ARGHH
Sister has lovely little puppy :)                                                       My baby is stressed and naughty :(
I so love my naughty girl tuppence                                                 Dont like that shes stressed and anxiety
                                                                                                    Struggling with diet :/ need to get on
Fighting on                                                                                    But still on a low   :(
Got the boiler                                                                               Need to pay for it - need it fitted :S





TO BE CONTINUED....


I will add to list as i think of things
off to zzzzz

Day at a time ,,,

Things are a bit yo yo like at the moment - im not doing so good but im not down and out so plodding on ...

I am still struggling at the loss of my Mum and of my  friend Martyn - im still struggling at the loss of all the friends and family that i have lost of late.  Im glad im at home - i can rest and take my time to grieve and although i dont believe you ever recover, i think you do move on and im gradually getting there.


And whats been going on ....

Bathroom is very nearly, almost, not quite finished :/

Paintings are all but done - just as well they go in on thursday - not happy with them they are quickies and it shows, i hope this year i will have time to sit and relax and enjoy painting - these are just to keep my place open but i really am not happy with them :/

My sister has a new pup King Charles spaniel called poppy :D shes a cutie 

  My tuppence continues to be a naughty girl and im not sure what to do - she is clearly showing signs of stress and anxiety since tikka joined us but of  which seem to be getting worse, where i thought she would settle down, so im trying to put some training measures in place but as some days im not to well its difficult to maintain a continuity :/ but i will continue to try.


Georgina wants us to go with her and her hubby on a cruise next year - ummm im a little sea sicky when on boats despite the 'you wont be on here'  but looking in to it 


Diet eeeeeeeeeeeek!
well its kinda half and half at mo i have lost some put it on and lost again - hoping to get going properly soon

I now have broadband set up properly!!! :D instead of that crappy O2 dongle grrrr


Well thats it for today i guess - im a bit down today so gonna rest up - off for an afternoon zzzzzzzzzz