Back again :)

Well ... here i am after a long break
2013  ... 13 unlucky for some but lucky for me :)
2012 ended with a long outstanding problem finally resolved it gave relief and a hope of better things to come with the new year.
The one outstanding problem i was still trying to come to terms with was the 'friend' problem
the hurt and pain it caused me will be with me forever regardless of it having been 'resolved'
I put things aside and moved on with pangs of pain hitting me occasionally - i lost weight whooooo
yep and without to much effort

However, ive been unwell diagnosed with fibromyagia ummm whats that i hear everyone (including me) say ... long story for another post but it explains a lot of how and why i feel so tired all the time and unwell and because of it the 'diet' is out the window and lbs are piling back on. Every time i feel better and get a new resolve back it comes and hits me.

Its been a good year for pretty much all else ive been happier busier and things have been generally good
We got to cruise a much much over due and needed  holiday was superb im a sea sicky person but nope not once who knew we were on ship certainly not me :D

The biggest ship in the world  (at the time) 

We went with my sister and her hubby good company and enjoyed every moment of it.

We are still working on this house :( it seems it will never be completed we decided not to alter the bedrooms but liam has been staying and thought 'his' room wasnt up to scratch and we just dont seem to have wardrobe room in ours so we've gone ahead and done what we had thought of doing in the first place and just before christmas as usual we are up to our ears with dust and building work and short of money due to over spending on building materials once again  ... still it is the last it can only get finished as of now ha ha ... i can but dream

So the family

Well my nick is back with his wife in mexico and finally her visa is sorted they will be coming back in february and i finally get to meet my daughter in law 

Liam is a college/working boy he has an apprenticeship with an excellent company 

My viki and her partner has just got back from holiday as much needed and overdue as ours was 

they are all doing well and im so proud of them all 

we have had hiccups like i say im attacked once in a while with this fibromyagia  wilf had a real bad flu and lost some weight on a heavy job during our heat wave a chinese whisper of will looks like death warmed changed to hes got 2 weeks to live :/ but im glad to say hes fine and well and we put the rumours right stupid people! but hey ho! 

The friend situation has been resolved but as i said above i dont think the pain will ever leave me - im back playing darts and i can laugh with them and enjoy their company but some thing is missing namely in me :( i have a doubt that i will ever forgive and it saddens me) 

Still things have been put aside, just as i had begun to move on so im wary.

There have been a few bereavements but not so close i guess 2 hit me one being the death of the lovely lovely lewis collins loved him since i was a teenager and was so saddened nearer home a girl i went through school with also died :/ 53 i grew up with her but we were never really friends still ive known her forever and she was there in my daily life for a long long time its scary to think that all those around us are going and time is so short to be doing what we want to have acheived in our lives.

 

Tonight wilf is on his christmas do all my friends have had theirs too only me not doing it as i dont work actually of late ive done little i need to get back to it but just not been able i hate that all the strain is on wilf

I dont feel i can go to my friends and say come on out with me its some thing ive lost and not really found in them since my return :/ but im no longer putting my eggs all in to one basket im looking for new friends and that may happen easier if i was working or getting out, so thats the goal im looking at for now.

So less of the morbid stuff ... 

I have an art show coming up and im so tired i just cant seem to get it off the ground but ive been here before and i will get there.

2013 gave me some happiness less worry and better times a chance to start living again and im now able to work on it THINGS WILL GET BETTER THEY ARE BEGINING TOO :)

diet slumming :D

The diet saga continues....

well did 3 days juicing and was just getting used to it run out of fruit and veg and wasnt able to get shopping to sort it :( i tried to eat good but had party saturday night and to much drink on an emptyish stomach made me unwell the next day  ... not hangover, didnt have enough but stomach cramps and upset stomach how stupid of me !

well i lost 4lbs was chuffed but omg i felt so much better (well until my partying :/) i got my shopping wednesday night and sorted my juice but not been able to get back on it yet  the other worse thing has happened that ughhhhhhh pmt ... i needed that just now like i needed a hole in the head !

maybe that added to the part session :/

but ive had cravings for the usual stuff ended up eating a whole packet of ginger biscuits to myself ... and i dont even like them WTF ?
im munching for no reason and out of control

will have to wait till next week now see what damage ive done
i am trying  - honest
i had thought i had stopped (aka menopause) but it keeps attacking me when least expected 3 times now nothing for months then oooooops i should have known as ive been my miserable grumpy self and the cravings all the usual signs and i ignored them due to having thought i had stopped (again)

so im slumming on the baddy foods to some degree ....  the diet aka healthy eating is out the window for the most but truly im trying

I will resume next week i think now but in saying that i will give it a go at every chance i can and maybe some attempts will at least keep me at bay

Excuses :/

OK yesterday didnt work so well for the DIET -  i did start on juices but munched small bits through out the day - not real 'baddy' stuff but still wasnt much of a fast :/
 excuse 1
i didnt have the fruit and veg for  juicing as its market day today and im just off now
excuse 2
Ascot nearly killed me  ... i ache and hurt all over my body i slept and could barely move sunday night and most of yesterday

trying to think of some more im sure i had quite a few yesterday :/

still.... im trying today is good ive started off well and i dont aches 'quite' so much

so starting with my daily 2 glasses of warm water .. i struggle to drink first thing in the morning it takes a while to get down  that first nice cup of tea of the day to get me started.
my breakfast is  the orange juice .... carrots orange and beet but i have no beet ..yet :/ still im starting on what i have
next will be my green juice ... so i need to get down the market

laters folks !



UPDATE
Well ... so far so good juicing has been ok mainly as it took so long sorting it lol but done ok so far today need to do more water but difficult when everything is liquid must say the veggie juices are ok ive tried some in the past ughhh but these are ok maybe following the recipies is the answer rather than random some things need to compliment i found carrots make orange naturally sweeter or should i say less acidic
im having green tea as my herbal tea tonight .. im getting bit of a headache it did say first few days would be headaches toilet problems :/ tiredness and even a bit of light headed dizziness maybe well i was like that anyway except headache :(
i do feel i need to eat some thing and ive seen that eating salads ok (or veg) so its not to drastic a change to the body so i might go get one even though its a bit late in the day

still im fairly chuffed with my self ... just need to keep it up i so need to get some of this weight off and get well and fit
with the fibromyalgia i cant really exercise i can hardly get up some days but hopefully this will get my body back in check at least to some degree im tired and it hurts and ive had enough

link http://www.rebootwithjoe.com/recipes/   check out joe cross its interesting

2ND UPDATE 

ummm well i did it ... yesterday i juiced all day  and so far so good today - ive already noticed the bloated stomach reduce and i think ive lost a couple of lbs but not yet sure on that one i need to  weigh but will do that tomorrow . I am struggling a bit now i fancy a nice cup of tea and a slice of toast :/ ive just eaten cherries and im by no means hungry i think i want some thing other than liquid and a bit of tang to it would be nice.  I might look at having a veg dinner not supposed to have potatoes but boiled bland should be ok  ... i know the 80/20 rule works in dieting as ive done it and successfully lost weight as i did last year. 
I will be needing to look into how to keep it off .. i have been relatively good in keeping the last lot off just up and down on 4-5lb these past months but with being unwell ive got lazy ish tired all the time does not help. 
I think it was easier to 'diet' eat healthy when nick wasnt here as i didnt have any temptation even liam and his pizza's are a difficult challenge hes on holiday this week with his other nan so at least with nick at work i am free of the wafts of their foods for the daytime, nick makes soups i guess i could look at a veggie soup ... but really need to get a back up system so the weight stays off  - any way one more day of juicing although i wouldnt mind to stretch to the 5 day plan not sure i can ... we will see ¬!
 

WELL DAY 3 update
so ... i juiced all day did have a taster of chilli and a potatoe this evening but despite my lapses of minor foods ive lost 4lb :) verily chuffed gonna see if i can continue ... stay tuned 
 

Dieting :/ ...

Yes im taking drastic action ... only to get me going ...(i hope)

So its the old milkshake thing and juicing i want to detox my body firstly im doing the shakes to give me a weight loss without depriving me of sweetness i found of the juicing and shakes the shakes make me feel ive 'had' some thing so hopefully if i do the shakes first when im ready for the total detox of juicing i will be used to having no food im doing the shakes for 2 weeks and see how i progress from there - wondering about adding juicing alternate days ?? not sure how that would work, would it upset my stomach ? umm i'll see as i go maybe 'experiment' ;/

just looking at exercise programme starting slow on this one as i  have fibromyalgia and even moving is difficult lately :(
still i want to be doing some thing, found a good build up programme on you tube so here i go folks heres fatty me ... photo may not stay here as im not happy with myself having put on again i had worked so hard to lose 2stone already up 1 ughhhhhh i had yo yo'ed on 4lbs up and down then suddenly im 14 ?? wtf  ... still i have to give myself a break i have been unwell and im still trying so  off i go check in some time this week ... dreaded weigh in first and heres the ugh photo :(

ughhhhhhhh

Been a while but im still here !

Well ... despite not wanting to put anything about those ex friends of mine .. i  have to update and get it off my mind :/
they are truly arse licking each other now and gloating ... omg i thought the world of them they not only disrespected me they took everything from me, one jumped into  my shoes and treated me like i never existed a 40 year friendship and she walked off with my friends my team my life and sits gloating rubbing salt in to the wounds ...  but se la vie ... what goes around comes around i learned a HUGE HUGE life lesson  :/

moving on to better things .... well sort of 
THE DIET 
i really should have said more depressing news :/ lol
today i want to start a healthy eating plan - total good food for 2 months ..
im going to start with a detox on juicing my veg and fruits for maybe a week if i can manage 
i saw a video of the pulp from juicing made in to crackers for the fibre ... interesting might have a go 
i have health issues ... :( fibromyalgia  .... ummmm some sort of form of chronic fatigue 
my body hurts it aches and my bones hurt :( and its horrible 
i try to exercise but its difficult i also am constantly tired, from being an insomniac for 30 years i now sleep constantly (maybe im trying to catch up on 30 years lost sleep) i dont like sleeping my life away but i cant do anything about it . I force my self to do things but i have to do little bits at a time rest lots and i sleep sleep sleep :/ 
im hoping food changes might help .. its difficult to make good choices when to tired to lift your arm any further than a quick packet of crisps or a choc bar 
We are growing our own veg again and im ordering a juicer hopefully here in a few days then to start my detox untill then im trying to stay on just eating fruit and veg im looking at natural sweetners to stop my sweet tooth craving for the likes of chocolate :O

So my weight ... well im still yo yo ing of 5 ish lbs up and down so maintained my previous weight loss to some degree ... but its getting harder and creeping up. the menopause not quite passed is not helping having that 'wrong' week to often is soooooo not helpful ughh!

so see how i go and will try to get back on track ... gonna log attempts as much as possible but been busy and sleeping i find it difficult to get here hence my absence

Any how ...... ...... ..... here i go  (again)

catch up on things 
well whoooooooopie its hot hot hot in England and im loving it ! 
been in the pool despite the snow damage bodged a job and filled it and its brill :)

ive been out with will my other friends are workers and dont live local so im pretty much on my own but im out and about with them as much as i can be 
ive pretty much put the other 'a holes' away from my life its hard not to see the gloating and lording over me but it doesnt hurt like it did just annoying - i so shouldnt have let that wasp in to my nest i'll never trust her again EVER! 
beware who calls your friend :(
SO  ...ummmm what else
ahh my nick is still  here still sorting visa's he goes back in october and then hopefully his wife comes to visit about jan/feb she passed her english test 8.9 of 9 :D well course she did she has an english degree but was that enough no they had to do a test costing £800 :/ 
be glad when shes here we will go shop and stuff that will make a few certain people cough a bit as shes a lovely girl but also a  stunner and will put all of them in the shade :) :) 
....
my grandson is all grown up and left school done the prom night and everything hard to believe
my viki is very happy with her partner and i like she has settled with him hes an ok guy i hope one day she gets to have things easier and not work so hard 

pooches are as usual :D lovely pains bit warm for them at the moment but they are doing good 
tikka has a cough her bronchial tubes were damaged from her weight gain and the ops but shes ok over all 
 
our cruise is paid for passports sent away just need to save some spending money :/ 

on the whole life is good ... will needs a rest hopefully we can do that now things are a bit more settled - still a lot to do in the  house after the cruise we are looking at getting some of the last more expensive bits like ovens ;/ and lighting and for next year sit back and enjoy our home some holidays and our family 

hoping anyone who comes by and reads has all the good life gives us and can put aside the bad and move on from it ... the sleep now attacks me  zzzzzzzzigning off :)
 
 

JUST LOVING 2013

I CAN ONLY SMILE

Its been a long time since ive felt i could do that (smile) on my own, most has come with the help of some lovely people who put up with my miserable face and stood by me (and most still are)

Im currently looking forward to the cruise with my sister and her hubby and of course my hubby :D
almost paid :/ been bit of a struggle as i no longer work but this holiday is much needed by me and the wilf (aka hubby will) i would love to be thinner but im so tired at the moment im lazy eating and cant move much but ive not given up trying - not just yet!

Developments on the 'so called friends' i swore i would no longer blog about but ironically events turned up - i mentioned in my last post about my late night errrr correction early morning (6am home time as it happens eeek!)  friday drinking session with V and sorted a few things out. Well last week i stayed home im feeling so much more settled about things - WELL decided to go out this week and V was just going with her mum D and dad J when wilf and i walked in, she turns around and said just gonna have a drink with jayne WHOOA
D who has been indifferent to me since this happened spoke and apologised (not sure as to why) about going, after things said the other week i have no doubt V told her what i said about her ignoring me so anyway she spoke and i acknowledged and off they went and V sat with me and we chatted she made it clear she remembered most of what we discussed and i had the feeling she wanted to say more but other interrupted, we did have a chat and laugh about other things. OH AND we got invited to D and J's anniversary 40 years wow ! i never committed i will wait and see.

so things not back as they were and still doubt they will be - i prefer T off the scene  and not sure her involvement in the fact things didnt move on sooner :/ but i care little now

So onwards ... other than health and diet requiring a little attention especially the diet (although thinking about it the health thing may be whats blocking my progress :/ ) i must get on cruise is sooooooon

Had a lovely bbq with the family for nicks birthday and yes we have SUN  :) :)

Due to tiredness and having looked at others blogs tonight to catch up on them this is all im blogging for now the eyes are going and i will catch up another time 

but all is goooooooooooood

Its been a while but im still here :)

So ........ whats life been about well

THANK YOU 2013

Well, what can i say its been good so far (dont want to temp fate ;/ )
Lifes a lot easier, its lots better


My boy got married to a lovely girl :) see photos previous post
My viki's issue from 2 years ago got resolved just before xmas 2012 so was a nice relief to start the new year with out that worry

Sold 3 of my paintings - 815 paintings on display and i sold 3 of my 5 - WELL CHUFFED !
And did this one recently my friend lost her beloved cat Agatha this was for her

Finances  - ok for the climate and the fact im not working
House - getting there kitchen is lots better than it was almost like a real kitchen will post photos when its done :)
Got a new car - still have mg but its ready to go no more wasted money on it im sorry to say as it was a lovely car but more spent on it than its worth and still unreliable and costing :/

 This is my new girl - i still  have my lovely classic merc but requiring lots of tlc time and attention and of course the dreaded money :/
Its lots easier having a 4 seater the dogs have their own seats lol :D
I wanted to keep a convertible - very pleased - very chuffed

Just had wedding anniversary 34 years  wooooha :S
And to add to age scare, liam our grandson turned 16 and left school -  will be doing college till 17 then a grown up working man arghh how did that happen so quickly 
This week we celebrated our nicks 30th again arghh time has just flown im sure he cant be that old lol

THE DIET
ok its not been good but ive pretty much maintained  - been a bit of a yo yo on 3-4lbs up and down and lost my toning - need to kick my self in to touch we have a cruise in september :O

My health is bit of an issue, since christmas ive not been feeling so good - nothing to really shout about but out of sorts and its not passed im tired all the time erratic sleeping (and eating obviously why diet isnt happening ) im hoping to start back on a fitness thing soon just not been able to get my head back to it yet but hopefully that will change

I dont want to mention the 'so called friends' dont want them on my blog any more - ive pretty much moved on but i do want to mention that a few fridays ago i got the opportunity to put some things aside with V among it she told me (twice) that she missed our friendship, well we always were very close good friends i guess thats why its been so painful :( still it has helped me in that she obviously felt some thing in losing me as a friend but i also learned that in trying to put things right she knew she only made them worse (which i know she did thats why i walked away) and she admitted that she just didnt know how to put things right again. I felt like saying WELL .... but decide to let it rest at that as she was clearly trying to tell me she wanted thing to be better between us but it just wasnt happening. For me it stopped a little bit of heart ache and yes ive pretty much moved on and knowing she cared enough to miss our friendship too has helped me move on just that little bit more. Nothing else has changed and i doubt it will now but thats pretty much the end of the matter - who knows what time may bring - will it bring back that friendship possibly but not with the same trust im sad to say :(

Ive shopped and been out and enjoyed myself a lot more than i have done in 7 years im lots happier generally although things are not perfect (health is one) its all still a day at a time but its better.
Sadly still had bereavements - not so close although some i  knew very well as a child but not close to, still sad and i attended some of the funerals.

I recently got back to sewing and made the cushions for our bargain auction buy of an old conservatory set for a tenner  - hoping the covering goes well round the pool area (its not my usual taste) 

 
 Well the animals like it and making their selves comfy lol

Im feeling a bit lonely lately, having to do much on my own as my friends have moved and one off to aussie and of course the others are no longer my friends and the long term one i see when its convenient to her having stepped in to my shoes im not sure if its not her thats prevented things from moving on :/ 
 still arghh im not going to keep on about that grrr still keeps popping up -  but im trying honest !

The future?
Well its looking good - i  have a cruise with my sister and her husband to look forward to i wish my other sister could have come too but theres been some issues - her hubby had a heart by pass among other stuff but its time for me and wilf to have some rest and enjoyment he works so hard 7 days a week and coming home doing more - i truly dont know how he does it  bless him 

Im gonna go out and about, even if its  on my own, enjoy myself and visit places ive never been and hopefully wilf can join me some times. Im looking for a part time job but nothing about and i am a bit wary with my health not 100%  
But we will see :) 
 

 So thats pretty much it i guess 
THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER :)
 

My boys wedding day

Sadly i didnt get to attend :( another heart break in my sad crappy life - although they say they are going to do it all again as they want the 'real' and religious ceremony
Announcing the Marriage of my son and his new wife 02/03/13

CONGRATULATIONS TO THEM BOTH  NICK LOOKING VERY HANDSOME AND VIRI LOOKING ABSOLUTELY STUNNING they had a wonderful day and we wish them both all the happiness in the world 

Kick my own butt :/

I'm in a low mood :( 
I refuse to mention those people - but they are the cause, i struggle to move on but i do put them aside and have a good day  then they do some thing that just brings back all that hurt and pain. Wednesdays are hardest as i know they are out playing the game i loved and 'my friend'  is enjoying 'my friends' :/ and all at my expence
I dont want to talk about them i didnt want yet another post to be about them. i keep convincing myself i have moved on, and actually i have for the  most part mainly as ive had no choice- but some times im lonely 
i miss the comfort of good close friends and the girly nights i enjoyed , i find it extremely painful that i have lost all i built with new friends when the old one let me down and in allowing her back in my life she now has my life and friends with it and here i am cast out :'(

How do i get over this hurt ? i dont know it keeps attacking me. I REALLY COULD KICK MYSELF
Why do i let them take space in my head ? i dont want them in my life but they still hurt me? what is that all about.
Its the second time around, im guessing coping with it once is enough but twice? to be betrayed twice omg 
BEAM ME UP SCOTTIE 

so tonight i sit and weep feeling sorry for myself hoping i dont slip into that sorrowful mode of depression. I am only clinging on at the edge of that deep dark pit and no way am i gonna let go i cant do that again :(

so what do i do ???  .... 
I dont work, illness stopped me from coping with the stresses of work, most days i couldnt get up :/ so i have no one really other than my husband , sure my kids are around some times but they  have grown up and do their own thing and naturally i only see them when they want some thing .

How can people be so mean, those people you loved and thought loved you ?  i did nothing to be treated like this, is that whats hurting me so much? the injustice of it all ?
I am aware the betrayal has really knocked me and to be betrayed twice by the same person well i gave her the gun i guess i should have know she would use it :/
 

It helps me here to write out the thoughts - no one reads my miserable musings any how im just talking out loud to myself and its out of my head and sits here - a release for want of a friends ear.

So with heavy heart again i leave and hopefully sleep will come soon and i will forget about them for that time at least. 
 
 

Getting on ..

Lots going on - People to see places to go ...

Currently getting on with the last of the re-furb its been hanging about to long - illness, finances and even just hubby will, being here long enough to get on with things  - the kitchen was to be the last but we have found it necessary to get on with it and tidy up - we had the floor tiles, will is doing the last of the heating for the kitchen we had to re-route and its been bit of a pain taking the main floor up and lots of dust (choke cough wheeze) :/
the tiles are down in what is to be our dining area, and most of the rest of the kitchen. Easter week will be the removal of the units and sink - lots of plumbing etc so going to be very disrupted , its always hard with kitchens and bathrooms as they are working areas. Even worse as we will have to wait for the tiles laid to dry before replacing everything so that will be a day ughh!
A radiator had to be replaced in the conservatory so while every thing is up will is changing it and we decided to change the other to match it also needed renewal.
I've painted some of the walls but i  have other painting to do as i have an art exhibit soon
Its also a constant cleaning task and im pretty tired of it :( still i guess it has to be endured


The diet ...................................................................... ummmm..................... 
ok so ive not got any where except up but only a little - i keep trying ive not given up but pmt and being unwell has not helped along with the fact its FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEZING :/ 
I hope to get back in to mode soon my sister is doing really well and now ahead of me :( gutted so i need to kick my own but if i want to be doing well too !

I have spent the weekend eradicating  people but im not gonna mention them :/ ooops

I need to look in to how i could meet new ones - im feeling a bit lost and alone for although i have lots of friends no one really close now and most that i am closer to dont live near me :'(
Those unmentionalbles took more than friendship from me i just need to sort out how to move on and get going again. I've done it before i guess i will again.

I'm out and about - but do need to hit that on the head a bit as i have a New (ish) car to pay for we will (once the weather changes) have a lot of work on the allotments and our back garden we still have bits to do at the front too, and with the house in a mess time will be swallowed up.

I have a lovely cruise to look forward to and again pay for :/ so not partying to much but birthdays are coming up and nicks wife will be here. I will tell you all about that on another post
For now i need to sleep - damn pmt just wipes me out
photos of the wedding next post :)

All been on hold but back up and running :)

Well been tough few weeks - I've been in sleep and eat mode :( 
 I now know why - the montly rubbish is back - that menopause thing isnt quite gone ughhhhhh

I've slept lots, ive been totally wiped out so my diet has not gone anywhere - 

The Diet 

yep its gone no where - BUT ive  not gained  = phew!! im back on track but its hard as im still not to well- i did a major work out today so chuffed with that - eating is hard to control when im tired and unwell - its my main downfall and pmt i get cravings in addition - i am however TRYING and trying 
Back on track to some degree 

Nothing changed on the 'so called friends' front other than more crap (which has not helped this last few weeks with me being low anyway ) talk about kick you when your down! Sure my 'best' friend is rubbing my nose in it 'oh off to have a chill drink with the girls' blah blah - yeah thanks for that friend who is with MY friends who didnt even know then or play darts but for me !!! grrrrrrr
and then defending the one that snubbed me all evening 'oh she was upset ' oh I WASNT THEN??? yeah thanks for that too - i dont care how upset anyone is ignoring anyone all night is rude and ignorant and more so when its your friend - i didnt ignore  her and I WAS UPSET  as i didnt do anything that warranted the shit i had for saying i thought it was her mums turn to drive - how pathetic!!
Yes im still upset and angry - but only because ive been made the villian and it seems one rule for them another for me they can discuss me and make up stories but i whose not said a word gets accused of all sorts :/ SNARL

So ranting again - i am so tired of putting up with other peoples crap when they are perfect then they can condem me but not until
Maybe they should look at their own behaviour before condeming other people!

So trying to cope with all these nasties around me during the time im trying to cope with THE nasty ughh again and i really could do without it - im desperately trying not to go back to that pit. Its hard with no support - i have friends but my close friends are gone now and its painful they were my best and closest friends and to be treated like that - well one more obstical to get over then i get to put them all aside.

Other stuff??

Nick is bit home sick i think - hes suffering the heat out there and money is bit short as he cant work there yet - hes lost lots of weight too the diet clearly affecting him. over all - things seem good though

Vik is doing well at her job im so pleased for her - i think she and danny are getting on very well 
Liam is being a bit teenager ish at mo but otherwise all is good 


Things in general are good - we are currently doing the drive way finally getting back to normal lots of our home has been on hold and got messy and untidy since ive been ill its so nice to see it getting back to normal . We have the main drain run outside our house (from the road) there must be a broken pipe for years we have had rat problems coming up through the pavement - its been reported many times but they dont even repair the pavement let alone the pipe and sorting the rats -they have buried under our driveway collapsing the block work (not for the first time) this time we  have put a concrete block there so they have major work to get there again :/ although i hope it deters them entirely this time, we took up the old blocks cleaned them down and put them back and it looks pretty much like new - just one small bit do - we are gonna repair a small part of the pavement too as we want our house to be nice and the council wont do it they looked at but never did anything about the last rat hole so no hope of them re doing the pavement . We are gonna re facia the porch that will be the finish out front :) the garden is looking pretty  some pics of the work , drive and garden

the rat holes ughh

old drive weedy and started to dig out where collapsed to block the rat holes

blocks cleaned and started to relay them

tups wanting to help but locked in and not liking it - still on old bit of pathway

front garden our lovely tree had to be removed due to root problems

my wispey well

path blocks not done yet

my lovely agapanthus

my birthday clematis looks lovely on my well

bargain swing for £17 at auction 

my bargain swing from the auction just painted up

garden swing cushioned and painted :>D

 Action was a biggy saturday we were shattered but got some mega bargains this swing is one of them well chuffed for £17 

Friday we went to Ascot races had a great day was superb - hubby had a day off first in like forever !! and he enjoyed he likes to bet  - vik sorted it out through the sun and got us tickets for 9.50 63% off  well cool  - so heres the photos  

 
  

Depression ?? dont be afraid

Depression is a scary word to a lot of people, its been labled as 'mental' illness and because of that people tend to think its to do with crazy people mad people loonies what ever you like to call the people who are out of control usually with violence, mention mental illness and most think of someone out of control on a rampage this association is what makes depression scary.
In reality depression is something different to each individual, sadly it can lead to someone becoming out of control, sever depressions have been blamed for people taking the lives of their loved ones or committing suicide but its different for everyone that has it.
For the most part it seems to me that its a deep sadness within you, some people lose control because they can no longer cope with that desperate feeling of despair that never seems to end, there is a pain inside the never lets up. Most people at some time will experience that pain and despair with with grief, the sadness and loss, grief has different levels for different people, depending some what on who they have lost how close they were etc and the type of person they are, some have the strength to rally, some show emotions, some bottle it up, everyone grieves at different levels . Depression is any thing from feeling a little low to the scary feeling of wanting to die and not really knowing why and even to the extreme of being out of control the reason many fear the word depression/mental illness.

Through out my own depression i have been unable to function as a 'normal' person it didn't matter how often i told myself to stop being so stupid, it never stopped me crying for apparently no reason, it never helped me get out of bed or walk out the door i was stuck in this odd unreal world. My mole hills were mountains what others dismissed i made an issue out of, the tiniest slight or hurt me deeply

Friends once removed and NOW removed!

SOOOO finally did it - I have removed the so called friends from my life, there will be no further interaction with them other than an acknowledgement in passing. I will be doing my best to avoid any further participation in anything that they are involved in.

Yesterday i went to a psychic fayre with T i kept her in my life for various reasons among others is the 45 year friendship we've had but in all truth she not been much of a friend to me - and  of all friends,  i think she is the one who betrayed me most and two faced in doing it but as of today i put her where she deserves to be in the back ground.
She is no longer on my news feed on fb so i will see no posts from her and she will no longer see my main posts.
We saw a psychic yesterday, its one of the interests we have in common

Ironically, he told me i need to move on, i need to put certain people in the past and start living again
T was the last of those i need to remove from my life and although we have had a long friendship i dont believe i can call her friend any longer and its time to turn the page and begin a new chapter without her in it.

The psychic was very interesting, he told me to get down the allotment - interesting as i dont believe there is much about me (or how i dress) that would show i have allotments :/ and they have only just been acquired (quite impressed with that )  he told me to get out in the garden as its therapeutic to me, he told me i love gardening and need to be out there, it made me smile as i do love gardening i do find it therapeutic and once the weather changes i will be out there. He told me i need to move on (some thing ive been trying to do for a long time and have to some degree) he said i need to advance and start looking around me and observing and taking in all that is going on, i have to admit (possibly down to the depression) for  a long time ive felt outside of everything, i can see im participating but its not sinking in , ive felt like a ghost watching myself -INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS - so he was again correct in that.
He had lots more to say all (i have to say ) absolutely spot on not so general as above more personal and scarily accurate :/

So today, despite having a pang of sadness ive finally moved to put the past where it belongs - in the past! - and start looking forward with no glancing back - i will alway wish things were different, i should never have trusted T and bought her in to my circle of friends she's now reaping what i sowed :(  my own fault but also my circle of friends let me down had T not been there or supported me things would have been hugely different but its some thing that i cant change now, i hope this is my last 'pang' and endeavouring  for this to be my last post involving them.

So good bye T, V and D along with your partners and families you are a previous chapter of my book one i dont want to re-read for you caused to much pain at a time i couldnt cope with any more.





 DONT ALLOW ANYONE TO SPOIL YOUR LIFE  WE ONLY HAVE THIS ONE 

so called friends hmmph

Ummm so the saga goes on - i really should shut these people out of my life

For some time now my 'friends' have been going out together (without me- due to one of them getting the hump over nothing) Ive been cast out and replaced , They have gloated about darts and the nights they spend out and the lunches
Recently my old school best buddy came over after not seeing her for years shes also joined fb
So i went out to lunch with her and OMG it has bought out all the jealous pathetic nasties from those used to be close friends of mine
My school buddy posted about a fab time and how much she loved me and was so glad to be in touch etc - by the way we did have a fantastic day :) and so having seen it oh jealous T books a night out with V then they go to lunch then the theatre theyve been doing it for months but soon as i do it its all over fb and the two faced pair suddenly putting oh i love you i do ...

So yes its hit a nerve and pissing me off but not being jealous person myself im glad to say ive let them get on with it - i really dont want to stoop to their level - it does make me smile that one little thing i do with my friend upsets them so much WELL HARD LUCK they threw me away what did they think?? i was gonna sit crying over them? whilst they enjoyed theirselves and made my life a misery?? yeah real good friends were'nt they !!!

On a note of good friends S and i have been friends since infant school until college sent us in our seperate ways and S moved but we've always been in touch some gaps along the way but still when we met up we did have a good day and was brilliant to catch up . True friends dont do what those other two have done.
I did smile at the fact they didnt like S becoming more frequent in my life and im so glad she is - i need a friend i know she would never do what those two have and i think its time to remove them more so from my life - i hung on to T a little as i dont want the blame for being off with her or accused of jealousy as im not - they are welcome to each other. im just not taking the blame for telling her to pee off with my old friends shes poached !
I wont really ever forgive either of them although i do speak to V now D hardly acknowledges me but thats her choice shes the one that was oooh lets put it aside and none of them have . I have moved on with my life but things like this just interupt that move and takes me reeling back to the pain they caused me, so now i have decided i need to take them out of the equation and out of my life - i will be polite and acknowledge them if they do me but i wont be participating in any of their activities ive already hit the girls darts night on the head im not part of the darts team so im not going - that didnt go down to well but who cares

I hope god gives me the gift of friends i can go out with again  - sadly S lives to far away i miss having close friendships and even though i put the hurt aside and did go out with T i dont think i really like her anymore certainly dont trust her and really do hate 2 faced self seekers - to be true to myself how can i continue to be her friend? so she will go to the side lines along with V and i will look to find so new friends