My boys wedding day

Sadly i didnt get to attend :( another heart break in my sad crappy life - although they say they are going to do it all again as they want the 'real' and religious ceremony
Announcing the Marriage of my son and his new wife 02/03/13

CONGRATULATIONS TO THEM BOTH  NICK LOOKING VERY HANDSOME AND VIRI LOOKING ABSOLUTELY STUNNING they had a wonderful day and we wish them both all the happiness in the world 

Kick my own butt :/

I'm in a low mood :( 
I refuse to mention those people - but they are the cause, i struggle to move on but i do put them aside and have a good day  then they do some thing that just brings back all that hurt and pain. Wednesdays are hardest as i know they are out playing the game i loved and 'my friend'  is enjoying 'my friends' :/ and all at my expence
I dont want to talk about them i didnt want yet another post to be about them. i keep convincing myself i have moved on, and actually i have for the  most part mainly as ive had no choice- but some times im lonely 
i miss the comfort of good close friends and the girly nights i enjoyed , i find it extremely painful that i have lost all i built with new friends when the old one let me down and in allowing her back in my life she now has my life and friends with it and here i am cast out :'(

How do i get over this hurt ? i dont know it keeps attacking me. I REALLY COULD KICK MYSELF
Why do i let them take space in my head ? i dont want them in my life but they still hurt me? what is that all about.
Its the second time around, im guessing coping with it once is enough but twice? to be betrayed twice omg 
BEAM ME UP SCOTTIE 

so tonight i sit and weep feeling sorry for myself hoping i dont slip into that sorrowful mode of depression. I am only clinging on at the edge of that deep dark pit and no way am i gonna let go i cant do that again :(

so what do i do ???  .... 
I dont work, illness stopped me from coping with the stresses of work, most days i couldnt get up :/ so i have no one really other than my husband , sure my kids are around some times but they  have grown up and do their own thing and naturally i only see them when they want some thing .

How can people be so mean, those people you loved and thought loved you ?  i did nothing to be treated like this, is that whats hurting me so much? the injustice of it all ?
I am aware the betrayal has really knocked me and to be betrayed twice by the same person well i gave her the gun i guess i should have know she would use it :/
 

It helps me here to write out the thoughts - no one reads my miserable musings any how im just talking out loud to myself and its out of my head and sits here - a release for want of a friends ear.

So with heavy heart again i leave and hopefully sleep will come soon and i will forget about them for that time at least. 
 
 

Getting on ..

Lots going on - People to see places to go ...

Currently getting on with the last of the re-furb its been hanging about to long - illness, finances and even just hubby will, being here long enough to get on with things  - the kitchen was to be the last but we have found it necessary to get on with it and tidy up - we had the floor tiles, will is doing the last of the heating for the kitchen we had to re-route and its been bit of a pain taking the main floor up and lots of dust (choke cough wheeze) :/
the tiles are down in what is to be our dining area, and most of the rest of the kitchen. Easter week will be the removal of the units and sink - lots of plumbing etc so going to be very disrupted , its always hard with kitchens and bathrooms as they are working areas. Even worse as we will have to wait for the tiles laid to dry before replacing everything so that will be a day ughh!
A radiator had to be replaced in the conservatory so while every thing is up will is changing it and we decided to change the other to match it also needed renewal.
I've painted some of the walls but i  have other painting to do as i have an art exhibit soon
Its also a constant cleaning task and im pretty tired of it :( still i guess it has to be endured


The diet ...................................................................... ummmm..................... 
ok so ive not got any where except up but only a little - i keep trying ive not given up but pmt and being unwell has not helped along with the fact its FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEZING :/ 
I hope to get back in to mode soon my sister is doing really well and now ahead of me :( gutted so i need to kick my own but if i want to be doing well too !

I have spent the weekend eradicating  people but im not gonna mention them :/ ooops

I need to look in to how i could meet new ones - im feeling a bit lost and alone for although i have lots of friends no one really close now and most that i am closer to dont live near me :'(
Those unmentionalbles took more than friendship from me i just need to sort out how to move on and get going again. I've done it before i guess i will again.

I'm out and about - but do need to hit that on the head a bit as i have a New (ish) car to pay for we will (once the weather changes) have a lot of work on the allotments and our back garden we still have bits to do at the front too, and with the house in a mess time will be swallowed up.

I have a lovely cruise to look forward to and again pay for :/ so not partying to much but birthdays are coming up and nicks wife will be here. I will tell you all about that on another post
For now i need to sleep - damn pmt just wipes me out
photos of the wedding next post :)

All been on hold but back up and running :)

Well been tough few weeks - I've been in sleep and eat mode :( 
 I now know why - the montly rubbish is back - that menopause thing isnt quite gone ughhhhhh

I've slept lots, ive been totally wiped out so my diet has not gone anywhere - 

The Diet 

yep its gone no where - BUT ive  not gained  = phew!! im back on track but its hard as im still not to well- i did a major work out today so chuffed with that - eating is hard to control when im tired and unwell - its my main downfall and pmt i get cravings in addition - i am however TRYING and trying 
Back on track to some degree 

Nothing changed on the 'so called friends' front other than more crap (which has not helped this last few weeks with me being low anyway ) talk about kick you when your down! Sure my 'best' friend is rubbing my nose in it 'oh off to have a chill drink with the girls' blah blah - yeah thanks for that friend who is with MY friends who didnt even know then or play darts but for me !!! grrrrrrr
and then defending the one that snubbed me all evening 'oh she was upset ' oh I WASNT THEN??? yeah thanks for that too - i dont care how upset anyone is ignoring anyone all night is rude and ignorant and more so when its your friend - i didnt ignore  her and I WAS UPSET  as i didnt do anything that warranted the shit i had for saying i thought it was her mums turn to drive - how pathetic!!
Yes im still upset and angry - but only because ive been made the villian and it seems one rule for them another for me they can discuss me and make up stories but i whose not said a word gets accused of all sorts :/ SNARL

So ranting again - i am so tired of putting up with other peoples crap when they are perfect then they can condem me but not until
Maybe they should look at their own behaviour before condeming other people!

So trying to cope with all these nasties around me during the time im trying to cope with THE nasty ughh again and i really could do without it - im desperately trying not to go back to that pit. Its hard with no support - i have friends but my close friends are gone now and its painful they were my best and closest friends and to be treated like that - well one more obstical to get over then i get to put them all aside.

Other stuff??

Nick is bit home sick i think - hes suffering the heat out there and money is bit short as he cant work there yet - hes lost lots of weight too the diet clearly affecting him. over all - things seem good though

Vik is doing well at her job im so pleased for her - i think she and danny are getting on very well 
Liam is being a bit teenager ish at mo but otherwise all is good 


Things in general are good - we are currently doing the drive way finally getting back to normal lots of our home has been on hold and got messy and untidy since ive been ill its so nice to see it getting back to normal . We have the main drain run outside our house (from the road) there must be a broken pipe for years we have had rat problems coming up through the pavement - its been reported many times but they dont even repair the pavement let alone the pipe and sorting the rats -they have buried under our driveway collapsing the block work (not for the first time) this time we  have put a concrete block there so they have major work to get there again :/ although i hope it deters them entirely this time, we took up the old blocks cleaned them down and put them back and it looks pretty much like new - just one small bit do - we are gonna repair a small part of the pavement too as we want our house to be nice and the council wont do it they looked at but never did anything about the last rat hole so no hope of them re doing the pavement . We are gonna re facia the porch that will be the finish out front :) the garden is looking pretty  some pics of the work , drive and garden

the rat holes ughh

old drive weedy and started to dig out where collapsed to block the rat holes

blocks cleaned and started to relay them

tups wanting to help but locked in and not liking it - still on old bit of pathway

front garden our lovely tree had to be removed due to root problems

my wispey well

path blocks not done yet

my lovely agapanthus

my birthday clematis looks lovely on my well

bargain swing for £17 at auction 

my bargain swing from the auction just painted up

garden swing cushioned and painted :>D

 Action was a biggy saturday we were shattered but got some mega bargains this swing is one of them well chuffed for £17 

Friday we went to Ascot races had a great day was superb - hubby had a day off first in like forever !! and he enjoyed he likes to bet  - vik sorted it out through the sun and got us tickets for 9.50 63% off  well cool  - so heres the photos  

 
  

Depression ?? dont be afraid

Depression is a scary word to a lot of people, its been labled as 'mental' illness and because of that people tend to think its to do with crazy people mad people loonies what ever you like to call the people who are out of control usually with violence, mention mental illness and most think of someone out of control on a rampage this association is what makes depression scary.
In reality depression is something different to each individual, sadly it can lead to someone becoming out of control, sever depressions have been blamed for people taking the lives of their loved ones or committing suicide but its different for everyone that has it.
For the most part it seems to me that its a deep sadness within you, some people lose control because they can no longer cope with that desperate feeling of despair that never seems to end, there is a pain inside the never lets up. Most people at some time will experience that pain and despair with with grief, the sadness and loss, grief has different levels for different people, depending some what on who they have lost how close they were etc and the type of person they are, some have the strength to rally, some show emotions, some bottle it up, everyone grieves at different levels . Depression is any thing from feeling a little low to the scary feeling of wanting to die and not really knowing why and even to the extreme of being out of control the reason many fear the word depression/mental illness.

Through out my own depression i have been unable to function as a 'normal' person it didn't matter how often i told myself to stop being so stupid, it never stopped me crying for apparently no reason, it never helped me get out of bed or walk out the door i was stuck in this odd unreal world. My mole hills were mountains what others dismissed i made an issue out of, the tiniest slight or hurt me deeply

Friends once removed and NOW removed!

SOOOO finally did it - I have removed the so called friends from my life, there will be no further interaction with them other than an acknowledgement in passing. I will be doing my best to avoid any further participation in anything that they are involved in.

Yesterday i went to a psychic fayre with T i kept her in my life for various reasons among others is the 45 year friendship we've had but in all truth she not been much of a friend to me - and  of all friends,  i think she is the one who betrayed me most and two faced in doing it but as of today i put her where she deserves to be in the back ground.
She is no longer on my news feed on fb so i will see no posts from her and she will no longer see my main posts.
We saw a psychic yesterday, its one of the interests we have in common

Ironically, he told me i need to move on, i need to put certain people in the past and start living again
T was the last of those i need to remove from my life and although we have had a long friendship i dont believe i can call her friend any longer and its time to turn the page and begin a new chapter without her in it.

The psychic was very interesting, he told me to get down the allotment - interesting as i dont believe there is much about me (or how i dress) that would show i have allotments :/ and they have only just been acquired (quite impressed with that )  he told me to get out in the garden as its therapeutic to me, he told me i love gardening and need to be out there, it made me smile as i do love gardening i do find it therapeutic and once the weather changes i will be out there. He told me i need to move on (some thing ive been trying to do for a long time and have to some degree) he said i need to advance and start looking around me and observing and taking in all that is going on, i have to admit (possibly down to the depression) for  a long time ive felt outside of everything, i can see im participating but its not sinking in , ive felt like a ghost watching myself -INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS - so he was again correct in that.
He had lots more to say all (i have to say ) absolutely spot on not so general as above more personal and scarily accurate :/

So today, despite having a pang of sadness ive finally moved to put the past where it belongs - in the past! - and start looking forward with no glancing back - i will alway wish things were different, i should never have trusted T and bought her in to my circle of friends she's now reaping what i sowed :(  my own fault but also my circle of friends let me down had T not been there or supported me things would have been hugely different but its some thing that i cant change now, i hope this is my last 'pang' and endeavouring  for this to be my last post involving them.

So good bye T, V and D along with your partners and families you are a previous chapter of my book one i dont want to re-read for you caused to much pain at a time i couldnt cope with any more.





 DONT ALLOW ANYONE TO SPOIL YOUR LIFE  WE ONLY HAVE THIS ONE 

so called friends hmmph

Ummm so the saga goes on - i really should shut these people out of my life

For some time now my 'friends' have been going out together (without me- due to one of them getting the hump over nothing) Ive been cast out and replaced , They have gloated about darts and the nights they spend out and the lunches
Recently my old school best buddy came over after not seeing her for years shes also joined fb
So i went out to lunch with her and OMG it has bought out all the jealous pathetic nasties from those used to be close friends of mine
My school buddy posted about a fab time and how much she loved me and was so glad to be in touch etc - by the way we did have a fantastic day :) and so having seen it oh jealous T books a night out with V then they go to lunch then the theatre theyve been doing it for months but soon as i do it its all over fb and the two faced pair suddenly putting oh i love you i do ...

So yes its hit a nerve and pissing me off but not being jealous person myself im glad to say ive let them get on with it - i really dont want to stoop to their level - it does make me smile that one little thing i do with my friend upsets them so much WELL HARD LUCK they threw me away what did they think?? i was gonna sit crying over them? whilst they enjoyed theirselves and made my life a misery?? yeah real good friends were'nt they !!!

On a note of good friends S and i have been friends since infant school until college sent us in our seperate ways and S moved but we've always been in touch some gaps along the way but still when we met up we did have a good day and was brilliant to catch up . True friends dont do what those other two have done.
I did smile at the fact they didnt like S becoming more frequent in my life and im so glad she is - i need a friend i know she would never do what those two have and i think its time to remove them more so from my life - i hung on to T a little as i dont want the blame for being off with her or accused of jealousy as im not - they are welcome to each other. im just not taking the blame for telling her to pee off with my old friends shes poached !
I wont really ever forgive either of them although i do speak to V now D hardly acknowledges me but thats her choice shes the one that was oooh lets put it aside and none of them have . I have moved on with my life but things like this just interupt that move and takes me reeling back to the pain they caused me, so now i have decided i need to take them out of the equation and out of my life - i will be polite and acknowledge them if they do me but i wont be participating in any of their activities ive already hit the girls darts night on the head im not part of the darts team so im not going - that didnt go down to well but who cares

I hope god gives me the gift of friends i can go out with again  - sadly S lives to far away i miss having close friendships and even though i put the hurt aside and did go out with T i dont think i really like her anymore certainly dont trust her and really do hate 2 faced self seekers - to be true to myself how can i continue to be her friend? so she will go to the side lines along with V and i will look to find so new friends