every thing is changing and everthing is disappearing

Sad news this week , the local fair after 100's of years will no longer come to our town fking councilors its a long story im to upset to write about it at the moment

But its not the only thing thats gone
our local show was lost to us last year
so many of the starts i grew up with on tv/films etc
so many people i grew up with loved cared for part of my childhood
i dont think i will get any more grand children :'(
i will soon have to give up my job
my lovely merc sits neglected
bridezilla daughter
allergic reaction all over my face
even the parcels ive ordered are disappearing from my doorstep grrrr





just a few i can prob add to the list

ill health dogs me i get over that awful depression anxiety agriphobia but i get fibromyalga pretty much as bad if not worse the pain is bad enough i cant explain how bad when you cant even sit without feeling the edge of a chair like a knife blade cutting into you but the tireness omg its sooooooooooo horrible i dont have the energy to move how can you tell others that your whole body aches and is in pain but also you have so little energy even if it didnt you cant move when you sleep but dont feel like youve slept for an eternity when you dont know how you dragged your bum off the sofa to go to the loo but you contemplate peeing yourself because you dont know how youre going to move to get to the loo


i feel so sad all the time tired and drained the other nasties almost dont matter but they kill me too :/

many of you will think ahh yeah shes depressed again .. but im not i am sad so many losses i dont think i can do any of it anymore

Friends that treat you badly and even when they leer back in  your life they are not the same and i wonder why they or i bother .. do i wipe out all those i have known and cared for .. i dont feel they care about me always last on the list .. friends are not like that not real ones

my daughters wedding im clearly on there to pay not like other mums to go choose the dress or have any say in anything ;'(

my lovely dog my girl has been ill and i keep thinking shes 9 now i have to hope and pray she will be the one that lives a good long life and scares me to think i might lose her :(


so here i am again with my miserable posts that no one reads tired old and fat and cant get it sorted

why am i here .. just to suffer i know others are worse off than me but i dont think i can take any more there is no strength left

work tomorrow so i must rally round go sleep and try again in the morning

2017 how time flies

Lifes no longer as we know it  ...

Many people ive known and many more ive loved were lost in the last 10 yrs or so adjusting to losing so many people was hard enough without dealing with depression and illness but life goes on .. just differently.

Not been here blogging for a long while and .. ooops i think i might have inadvertently deleted my last blog was looking decided a couple of photos were not wanted here deleted and them updated ... blog vanished :O

oh well

prob only me reading this but its a good diary for me

So what of now ...
im still fat still trying to diet and exercise got no-where this fibro shite ive been diagnosed with is almost as bad as the depression i had i cant be touched i cant move my body seizes and is so tender i cant even have a sheet on my or lay my face on a pillow without it hurting moving is like i have rigor mortis and then the wipe out well... i could sleep forever, coming from a 40 yrs of insomniac is strange yes but ive always slept a lot when ill so im not totally surprised people cant wake me up when i have a flare up of this especially as fatigue tiredness wipe out is part and parcel .
so learning to mange this and diet ... well i have to get off my arse and learn anew as my daughter gets married in 18mths ... i really dont want to be like this :/ upsets me greatly and i cant seem to get on it :(

im still working had a major episode of stress , of which i think bought on shingles omg id rather have 200 babies sciatica and shoot myself the pain is as bad as any can get.  i have eczema prob from work the hand gels and dry hot air but now i have facial rash demo problems too apart from the serious embarrassment i feel from it that to has an allergic reaction of upset stomach nausea over heating fainty and this awful burn like rash and itchy spots all over my face plus hives over my arms and back
still an on going issue waiting for patch testing
and waiting
and waiting :(
living with this is so awful and then all the other shite well ...shoot me might be a good idea but as much as how my living is not so good i love life its self .. i just think really how much more is going to be thrown at me to deal with :( worse of all how much more can i take?
My sister has been very seriously ill and increasingly so she is now practically bed bound scares me to death we might lose her :'(

So thats the poooooop out of the way
good bits ?
been a fair amount, an improvement from little or none before
yes still had a lot more losses :( still have illness and fat and still have manipulative people in my life and shitty so called friends but ....

had 2 nice cruises
my kids are my life
been married 38 yrs and things are ok we dont have the best marriage but we are ok together and have more than most marriages 38 yrs on

we have the pool finished and heated and it looks great

how lucky am i to have all this ... the house its self is still a work in progress :D
my kids are doing good things could be better for them they too have problems to deal with but they are from strong stock and im here.
lifes not fantastic but its not bad either its not as bad as it was and there are things that pain us still we are doing better and thats the main thing and coping with all the shite better is a major benefit

so thats me for now i hope all who have come and read  have good things happening :)