A prayer for those i love please God grant them the gift of a child please hear our prayers and help them to get their child its heartbreaking for them please please help them  AMEN

THE GOOD BITS 2019

ok so hubby and i have been married 40 yrs .. we were supposed to go to the valley of the kings egypt but do to my back injury we have had to defer it ... however we had a lovely trip to london and a ride on the london eye  ...with champagne :D

We became great grand parents .. good as conceiving was difficult and our great grand daughter is delightful ... we just need the other grand child to come this time we are praying so hard .. i dont know if hes listening but i hope he is and grants them the gift too

we have won practically everything at darts
for me the singles most wins
friend the pairs most wins
3 aside knockout
pairs knockout
runners up in team knockout
the league singles 79 points next team to us only 57 whoo hoo
pairs league

Now didnt we do well !!

We are going to ladies day at ascot this year .. my daughter is 40 this year and intends to do 40 thing before 40
she is getting married but finances and venues and everything has postponed it but we will get there and so will she :D

ummm anything else ... nope i think not !



i missed out 2018 but cant think of much that happened that stands out as so good ... how sad is that

ahh we did a cruise with my sister sadly eek theres that word again .. the back pain spoiled it for me and it made me realise i couldnt do the valley of the kings .. only to defer it and then get a steroid injection ummph they might have let us know ...
i cant think of much else for 2018 theres just been to much of everything all the time :( overload so im going to leave it there for now

Umm seem to have skipped a year :/

Well here i am again .. lifes been shit .. for what 15 years i guess so many losses ive lost count every thing going wrong cars and electricals and well you name it  :/ :/


So nothings changed ive had bad health and pain from my back and sciatica i now have another pro lapsed disc ,, next stop op with rods in my back  ARGHH ,,,,

This year hit us with several losses but most of all the heartbreaking loss of my great nephew ben 21 killed in a car accident on his mums  birthday .. the tears are flowing as i type one of the most heart wrenching of the extreme amount of losses we have had 5 days older than my grandson
We also had the loss of a baby, just a few weeks old but none the less they had been trying for so long and they are heart broken and desperate to become parents it hurts me sooo much to see them suffer

we have had the usual pay out pay out work work work it seems never ending

work has been shite so many changes no staff still stressful and ive had enough i love the job its just to much now :(

ive finally got the hubby home some weekends and of his own accord hes decided to stop smoking (think he was 10 or 12 when he started) .. not sure whats bought it on but good on him ... however, im sure the werewolf will surface at some time soon :O

my 'friend' is moving things have been ok with 'the friends' but this one didnt even tell me she was moving even though she knows i know now (found out by default) shes not discussed it with me over 40yrs we have been friends .. things have not changed much i guess betrayed and of no consequence other than when she needs someone/thing  ... well shes moving on i doubt despite our 'friendship' that we will see much of her we havent done since she befriended my 'friends ' ... ahh well such is life

my lovely merc has gone we made a bad decision and let some rogue (cant put here what we really called him) do work on it he caused £3500 worth of damage and made the car lethal to drive .. only clipped the break fluid pipe ... we could have been killed  :(  lesson learned wont make that mistake again
we sadly bought a bad replacement cost us a lot of money and looks like the one we have now will need sorting too but it is overall a better car to spend money on but i preferred my old one and miss it

hubbys van bit the dust we paid out and the replacement blew up .. lost another lot of money bought and old one still fair cost it did him for a while, it was worn and ready to go but we were lucky enough for a change to find a good priced one and in good condition . so car shit yep tons of it .. would be nice to just have a break from paying out on vehicles

the pool has a leak .. took the trees out incase of roots but its still leaking we cant find it we emptied it renewed everything .. still leaking gonna have to live with it for now and top up when necessary

oh yeah that fking diet ... heaviest ive ever been and cant do anything about it ... well i can stop eating entirely .. thats my next game plan  ,,, @ honey monster lives .. thats me :(





so usual shit just another year .... ive decided to write my good bits on a 2nd post  ... keep them seperate

2018 well that was much the same as above .. illness loss payouts etc,,, de ja vue

every thing is changing and everthing is disappearing

Sad news this week , the local fair after 100's of years will no longer come to our town fking councilors its a long story im to upset to write about it at the moment

But its not the only thing thats gone
our local show was lost to us last year
so many of the starts i grew up with on tv/films etc
so many people i grew up with loved cared for part of my childhood
i dont think i will get any more grand children :'(
i will soon have to give up my job
my lovely merc sits neglected
bridezilla daughter
allergic reaction all over my face
even the parcels ive ordered are disappearing from my doorstep grrrr





just a few i can prob add to the list

ill health dogs me i get over that awful depression anxiety agriphobia but i get fibromyalga pretty much as bad if not worse the pain is bad enough i cant explain how bad when you cant even sit without feeling the edge of a chair like a knife blade cutting into you but the tireness omg its sooooooooooo horrible i dont have the energy to move how can you tell others that your whole body aches and is in pain but also you have so little energy even if it didnt you cant move when you sleep but dont feel like youve slept for an eternity when you dont know how you dragged your bum off the sofa to go to the loo but you contemplate peeing yourself because you dont know how youre going to move to get to the loo


i feel so sad all the time tired and drained the other nasties almost dont matter but they kill me too :/

many of you will think ahh yeah shes depressed again .. but im not i am sad so many losses i dont think i can do any of it anymore

Friends that treat you badly and even when they leer back in  your life they are not the same and i wonder why they or i bother .. do i wipe out all those i have known and cared for .. i dont feel they care about me always last on the list .. friends are not like that not real ones

my daughters wedding im clearly on there to pay not like other mums to go choose the dress or have any say in anything ;'(

my lovely dog my girl has been ill and i keep thinking shes 9 now i have to hope and pray she will be the one that lives a good long life and scares me to think i might lose her :(


so here i am again with my miserable posts that no one reads tired old and fat and cant get it sorted

why am i here .. just to suffer i know others are worse off than me but i dont think i can take any more there is no strength left

work tomorrow so i must rally round go sleep and try again in the morning

2017 how time flies

Lifes no longer as we know it  ...

Many people ive known and many more ive loved were lost in the last 10 yrs or so adjusting to losing so many people was hard enough without dealing with depression and illness but life goes on .. just differently.

Not been here blogging for a long while and .. ooops i think i might have inadvertently deleted my last blog was looking decided a couple of photos were not wanted here deleted and them updated ... blog vanished :O

oh well

prob only me reading this but its a good diary for me

So what of now ...
im still fat still trying to diet and exercise got no-where this fibro shite ive been diagnosed with is almost as bad as the depression i had i cant be touched i cant move my body seizes and is so tender i cant even have a sheet on my or lay my face on a pillow without it hurting moving is like i have rigor mortis and then the wipe out well... i could sleep forever, coming from a 40 yrs of insomniac is strange yes but ive always slept a lot when ill so im not totally surprised people cant wake me up when i have a flare up of this especially as fatigue tiredness wipe out is part and parcel .
so learning to mange this and diet ... well i have to get off my arse and learn anew as my daughter gets married in 18mths ... i really dont want to be like this :/ upsets me greatly and i cant seem to get on it :(

im still working had a major episode of stress , of which i think bought on shingles omg id rather have 200 babies sciatica and shoot myself the pain is as bad as any can get.  i have eczema prob from work the hand gels and dry hot air but now i have facial rash demo problems too apart from the serious embarrassment i feel from it that to has an allergic reaction of upset stomach nausea over heating fainty and this awful burn like rash and itchy spots all over my face plus hives over my arms and back
still an on going issue waiting for patch testing
and waiting
and waiting :(
living with this is so awful and then all the other shite well ...shoot me might be a good idea but as much as how my living is not so good i love life its self .. i just think really how much more is going to be thrown at me to deal with :( worse of all how much more can i take?
My sister has been very seriously ill and increasingly so she is now practically bed bound scares me to death we might lose her :'(

So thats the poooooop out of the way
good bits ?
been a fair amount, an improvement from little or none before
yes still had a lot more losses :( still have illness and fat and still have manipulative people in my life and shitty so called friends but ....

had 2 nice cruises
my kids are my life
been married 38 yrs and things are ok we dont have the best marriage but we are ok together and have more than most marriages 38 yrs on

we have the pool finished and heated and it looks great

how lucky am i to have all this ... the house its self is still a work in progress :D
my kids are doing good things could be better for them they too have problems to deal with but they are from strong stock and im here.
lifes not fantastic but its not bad either its not as bad as it was and there are things that pain us still we are doing better and thats the main thing and coping with all the shite better is a major benefit

so thats me for now i hope all who have come and read  have good things happening :)

February F off :/

The worst month of any year ! Horrible horrible February.
Dreary cold wet im sooooo tired of it already

Everyone is ill ... yep everyone! all sniffing and coughing and wheezing near me and i already feel like poop warmed up

Stress from work, Fibro flare up agony pain wipeout im soooooooo tired :/

THAT DIET  ARGHHHHHHHHH

Jeez that diet its not happening .. i have to resign myself to the fact i cant do it at the moment :(
Im so tired and sad its just not gonna happen but im desperate to sort it im just getting fatter and fatter bad choices from being to tired to choose any thing but a quick high fat processed rubish garbage food :'( my body hurts how can i exercise i dont know how i get out of bed i certainly have no idea how i get through work ??? i just collapse in a heap of pain aches and exhaustion beyond belief

So what can i do ? im hoping some how i can cleanse my body and it will help but i  have to change the gerneral routine i have because its not helping me i have mega craving for sweet foods anything sugar and the more i eat of it the more i want :/ im looking to see how i can combat the cravings i tried going cold turkey - didnt work :/ i need to find how i can reduce without noticing to much at least at first.
I think some foods increase my problem with fibro as the times ive managed to juice it definitely helps but i cant get into this time i manage half a day then binge then manage another half day then comes the 2nd binge and im really worse off
Well  ... what now ... im not giving up i will continue to try, i just have to find a way
i begin again tomorrow ... i have to do this to help my health its no longer just a i look like a honey monster my legs are aching and why not look what they are carrying !

so day at a time good or bad i will have to see how i go

Work has calmed down maybe that will help and i have 2 weeks off whooooooooop

Daughter in law is still in mexico i had hoped to impress her with a good weight loss instead im probably heavier but i have to stop beating myself up about it, ive been unwell i have to recognise i cant do thing until im ill, i have to learn to manage this fibro and see if certain things trigger it, i understand from other sufferers that cold doesnt help nor does stress both of which i have a lot of at the moment ... i so wish i could juice i know it helps so again arghhhhhhhh

Not much else happening ... just the lots of work lots of sleep lots of pain lots of doing nothing :/
this isnt living is it ?

Remember the non friends friends
i dont really like them ... how bad is that ? im still friends with them but they piss me off !
ummm maybe thats dragging me down to but who do i have without them ? yep mr nobody i like my wednesdays and actually we laugh and enjoy but something has gone and whilst here i probably appear 2 faced its not that at all they are my friends things happened but betrayal takes some thing away leaves and empty place that will never be filled by them again and yes i have them as friends but they are not my soul friends as they used to be they are like anyone i know very well your friendly and kind but your not bosom buddies just friends. i say i dont like them anymore actually i mean i dont like a lot of their behaviour , do we become blind in friendships i see them so differently now and they do the same things but jeez they do erk me :/ why did i not see all this before?
oh well another bug to bare and i dont know what to do about it ... go it alone or put up and shut up ... ive still not made up my mind maybe some thing will happen one way or another ... i need to have some thing help me passed this piggy in the middle thing go one way or another jayne make up your mind instead of playing both sides its wearing me away  ... maybe the gemini in me 2 choices and geminis are torn because both please or annoys so there is no choice but both ways ... i need something to happen to guide me over i guess

so mundane dreary february begone  ... i dont like to wish my life away so much  has been lost to illness but i need some sunshine warmth and things to move on

Getting over things

So ... January is near to the end, its flown by

I'm still doing much the same, overloaded at work and not dealing with it very well, ive turned in to a whining whinny but fed up of doing other peoples work if they are not capable they shouldnt have the jobs arghh ... see here i go again :D

im also still cleaning and clearing this never finished anything house. My daughter in law has gone back to mexico for 7 weeks, she was a bit home sick i think it will do her good and it give me a chance to have a good sort through things here  as son and hubby at work grandson is staying at his dads so just me and the dog. ive done a load of overtime at work but thats it for now so my time is back to being mine for a while :)

THE DIET
oh yeah :/ ... well i started off good .... its been up and down, ive really acheived nothing :(
On friday i had my hair done, did a bit of shopping got some clothes came home and i was really good had some home made tomato soup was lush ... i sat back on the sofa and had an over whelming
tiredness i assumed it was because i had done a long shift (12 hrs) and then running about all morning plus my sleeps is still rubbish, so i trotted off to bed time was my own so nothing to stop me having a much needed snoooooooze zzzzzzzzzz i woke about 7pm and i was in pain YEP  i have  a fibromyalgia flare up WHAT THE HELL triggered that :'( well i couldnt do much at all just slept form the exhausted wipe out that i get with it but at least with so much sleep i dont notice the pain until awake :/ i went to sisters saturday evening and we had a chinese of which i ate little, sunday i barely drank my skinny latte (my sister and i have a family catch up time each sunday over a coffee)
i came home and stuck the juicer on ive for the most been juicing and thank goodness the fibro eased, im not sure how i got through monday but tuesday it had gone down to a bruised feeling and wednesday tender but i got done and the wipe out feeling passed enough i got to play darts too. The juicing has helped, other flare ups have lasted weeks and on occasions i thought one coming i have juiced and its held it at bay and passed hence my not suffering as i did when first diagnosed but this one i didnt see coming. So i should have lost a few lbs  ... but nooooooooo :/ why the hell not ??? has my body gone in storage? i have had a few naughty moments but nothing major, my calorie count site shows all my stuff as good no high fats or anything and im under my calories (but only by default) so why have i not moved the scales ... Today i decided to continue juicing, i still have the fibro i am eating with the juicing but only veg and fruit, i did a stir fry for lunch which was really nice and refreshing and ive had a home made soup so i know no baddy sugars or anything, ive had a couple of sleeps and i got up late so the fibro thing is hanging around but the way i felt friday i knew it was going to be a bad one :/  Im pretty sure juicing / healthy eating has helped me im sure i would be suffering more had i not juiced ... one hell of a good reason to get this diet going just wish the weight would vanish along with the pain !

General things
ummmmmmmm not much happening as i said above ... hubby and i do get to go to see the Roy Orbison story saturday thanks to my daughter buying us tickets
My 'friend' is having burns night following saturday which i sooooo dont want to go to :/  i need a good excuse, i just dont like how her 'celebrations' have got .. they are to rowdy for me, i do love a good party but hers are just not enjoyable these days  ... maybe down to the company she keeps ... not really a maybe about it!.

No news on my niece as of yet shes holding her own, i hope she gets some time i hope she gets a lot of time, we know its not going to be long but i hope its much longer than they have assessed   Bless her

Im not exhibiting this year .. just to tired i hope to start again but ive been dropped from the local one as they make room for 'new' artists well i sold a lot of my paintings and made them a lot of money i hope they regret their move as i wont be going back.
i have 2 other local ones i sell at but this year im on a break, i need some me time.

well thats my news so far ... january blues - february dull drums to come :/ :/ hate this time of year roll on spring or even better summer !