liam

liam
my grandson the yoda lol

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Sunny among the rains

Beautiful sunny day today cooler this afternoon but reflects my mood today .  I feel calmer today, my niece visited me yesterday we are going shopping Monday :) i feel like im moving on although its slow and still a painful, im saddened by my friend that is so called 'neutral' because in fact shes not - shes with the other one not with me. I have things going on with her and once they are done she too im sorry to say will be down the road, after all she has my friend to keep her company!

YES im still griping - it hurts!

but i AM getting there. Today i auctioned, was a nice day the dogs had a good run and are now snoring although they need to be bathed :/
I do too!

The brother-in-laws were at the auction was interesting seeing them mooch about together, auctioning is a new experience for one of them .

Im painting, and oh yes 'thank you' tikka grrr trampled on a wet oil i had laid down for a second :( i have thankfully managed to repair phew!!

Exhibit is 18th this month and another at the beer festival is 9th June.

My viki's cat has 4 kittens and the other is pregnant too - shes allowing them one litter each and then they will be neutered.


The diet 
:/ i think ive put on a few pounds :'( bit miffed i've not been so bad thought i might stay the same at worst or maybe lose up to a lb but not to put on :( cracking back down since i stepped on my scales but they are old and unreliable so im hoping !!!! 

Will be churching tomorrow with georgina - shes done a clear out today so will be sorting some stuff to auction for her.
so thats the news 
and average fairly warm day cooling :)

Off for my bath ....  
 

 

Thursday, 10 May 2012

CALM - breathe deeply

So im trying to move on - today is a better day, still sad, still upset im still struggling and still angry i let myself be fooled again by so called friends 

HOWEVER,

 I am moving on - I've got my paintings done for first exhibit, whilst down down met my sister we hadd a coffee and chin wag :) she seems to have the same luck as me with people - treated like crap, i think we are to easy going so they think they can take advantage and when we pull them up on some thing they are shocked and clearly dont like being caught out as users ! 

One thing my dad installed in us is fairness, we were taught to help the 'under dog' to care for people, to help where we can for no self gain - WELL DAD - IT DOESNT WORK we just get trampled on by all and sundry. They also have the nerve to blame us for their faults, their bad behaviour all because we say 'hang on a minute' and they dont like it! 

So yep im venting again, it helps me and thats what my blog is for.

I went today and visited Martyns grave, had a cry and told him 'i knew how he must have felt, i have been there - but unlike him i wanted to stay here, yes its lonely and painful, but i want to live i want to go on and try to improve my life for as long as i have it' I asked if he could help me, i asked my mum and dad and ive asked God, im trying to help myself but some times you just cant do it on your own and i need help, i need help now.  I dont have any friends certainly none that  i can trust let alone depend on - all i have had in that department is betrayal so - i go onward alone YES i have a family but they are grown doing their own thing and  hubby well, hes a work a holic :/  hes around but he doesnt really understand. Also hes enough on his plate, hes the only bread winner, the people we have lost has effected him to some were his familly his friends. 

So here i am working on things wishing this pain and heartache would leave me and let me get on instead of pulling me continually down. I so wish i had people round me that didnt add to the distress things are truely bad enough!

SO...... The diet 
Well today i got back on track - shock yesterday with a lb gain and i am sooooooooooooo not going there !!!! i did jog yesterday and dug and raked  the allotment couldnt move much today lol but diet is back on track after bit of a binge, self sabotage weekend. 

So optomistic need to crack down on some more exercise and keep in check with what foods im eating

My paintings are done! already for the 18th may exhibit (only 4 to display due to shortness of time ) 
I have canvas now and started a couple for the 9th june  Beer festival run out of white oils so need to sort that tomorrow. I have a few others from previous exhibits that will go there too 


Still lots to sort out - trying to keep up and replenish finances, working out a plan and feel better for doing that. Its helped with the likes of putting thing in more focus and importance instead of scattered and lost and forgotten until some thing is 'to late' or otherwise.


My tups and nicks birthdays coming up Tups will get a treat bless her,  My nick is in need of some dosh so will send him as much as i can
 

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Alone again - Naturally :(

Would have been my darts night - im missing it - i miss my friends :( but i have to remember i guess that they werent really my friends, like most others they used me . My so called best friend is staying neutral only so she gets the best of both worlds - ive always know she was a licker but i didnt think she would go this far - its the second time shes left me alone there wont be a 3rd !

Im trying to move on - looking at new things to do, but its hard when you have no one. Hubby is tired he works so hard most everyone i know does other things they have families my kids are grown and gone even my grandson teenager is to old now to keep nan company :(

Im tired - tired of being used, tired of all this pain, tired of being blamed for some thing i didnt do, im tired of losing those i care about - seems every thing i do is wrong 7 years of crap and being crapped on :(

Ive sooooooo had enough - i cant fight much longer , i cant keep being kicked and getting up for more i just cant. 
I some times think of Martyn and the choice  he made and can almost understand why, theres only just so many times you can get up.  Im tired of being sad 

Monday, 7 May 2012

Sooooooo we are booked whooo hooo holiday

OK its not till next year BUT its a luxury cruise !!! whoo hooo  :)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6MFUjUxM-s&feature=related

Independance of the seas - apparently the biggest ship in the world and omg it looks like it :/

so lots of saving i need lots of pounds and to lose lots of lbs  :D

THE DIET 
:/ bad weekend after a lot of upset :( i have tried its not worked :(  ive not weighed so im gonna go face the music in the morning and start again again - hoping ive not done to much damage - i have had a chocolate binge :S im kinda wondering if im pmt - difficult to tell with menopause grrrr however, i need to get back on track ive almost lost a stone so re-focus 

My mums birthday today so its been a very difficult day.

Ive moved on from my so called friend - deleted, i cant do other peoples rubbish and be treated like that, im not well enough to cope - but who cares about me  - I DO , i come first now like the song says  'got along without you before i met you gonna get along with out you now' painful but some thing that i need to do for me.

Got some work finished the final touches to the bathroom whooo well chuffed, now have blinds and the airing cupboard all finished doors done - a small amount of paint work and the shower but the shower was always secondary any way  hopefully it will be the next thing.

Paintings done - just minor touches :) exhibit is 18th this month and another on 9th june!

Nicks birthday 27th - think its a money present much needed but hes ok and doing fine :)



Tuppence birthday is first 17th :D our old dog is 4 this year he he he




My viki is next 12th of June (well i am on the 11th but thats another story :Seek!) shes 33 this year omg where does time go ?


yep im in there too - 52 this year :(
 Wish i still looked like that :/




Another exhibit is 9th my niece has asked for paintings in the Bicester beer festival :) 


then and the end of the month is Chelsea's hen night which is now going to be really difficult as ' the so called friend' will be going :(  but ive paid my money - a lot of money and im not wasting it for her or anyone else ! i can go my own way if i have to 
 

Well thats it for now folks  its been a long weekend wet and boring hope the weather changes soon i need some thing to help me out here - i have no one to call on sadly no one there for me :(
  

Today would have been my mums 91st birthday

LOVE AND MISS YOU ALWAYS MUM I SO WISH YOU WERE HERE :'(

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN MUM 
 

Saturday, 5 May 2012

To renew from disappointment, sadness, pain and anger !

so I need to move on ... I keep trying, I do all I can to stay out of all this rubbish and someones pettiness just comes back and hits me in the face - I've reacted - I've not reacted, I've tried the calm, the discussions, the compromises, the ignore, the forget about it, the anger, the withdrawal, you name it, I've tried it and still I'm here worn and tired from all the pain and hurt people keep hurling at me. They go on about their business as usual having left me in a heap.

 I'm so disappointed in my so called  'friend' its really hurt me, and my other so called 'friend' is taking her side 'poor thing shes so upset' I guess I'm not??? 
I'm the one discluded from everything, its me that no longer plays darts. Its me that doesn't get to go out any more, its me that's lost out not her or them! 

But, putting all that rubbish aside, I'm still left with what to do to move on, get rid of this pain - leave all this behind me, I'm just so tired of this happening to me, why does everyone think they can treat me so badly and make it my fault?
 Guess I'm the hare :(

I keep moving on leaving and losing all I love - so here I go again  .

Im just bemused
warn down and battered, life just becoming to much to bear. I dont know how much more I can do ....

Wouldn't that be good ? I wish !!!!

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

guess it must be me ?

I should have guessed really - even  just from my poor blogging stats does no one have any compassion ? can no one see all that ive been through that i still get treated badly by them?

My facebook friends are many but most dont participate with me much, some are people that know my family and remain loyal to them and me just because im part of that family . Other are people of people i know and dont really know ME.

Recently i lost 16lb (chuffed to bits by the way :)) its dampened by the fact my friend (who has same facebook friends ) has now lost 10 she got 12 likes i got 3 ?? what did she do that i didnt ?

Yeah i guess it must be me - but  why - im an easy going person, i help out any way i can any time ive rarely let anyone down if anything STUPIDLY, gone out my way, causing myself inconvenience.
 Ive listened to huge amounts of drunken and sober drama, crap and total drivell, ive advised, lent money, assisted, supported - done all i can for sooooooooo many people  you name it ive done it .. what do i get in return ???

I get nothing or i get blamed for their faults, wtf ??? how does that happen ??? 
what do i do wrong ?? why me?? what??!!!!

Was i wrong to say im not being used ? although that was only after my so called friend went to town on me over nothing :/ throwing up all sorts of rubbish , when i replied she didnt like it and IM THE ONE TO BLAME????? Then to top itm my other 'friend' (whose also been complaining ) is now licking, she still gets to enjoy the dart game i introduced her to, and 'my friends' and thinks its ok that im cast out! 
Just goes on as if nothing has happened - no support no loyalty if only the others knew her views were the same as mine ummmm ! but lucky her im not like them! And despite having no friends i dont want to be like them, i wouldnt ever be like that to anyone, deceitful, spiteful, using and abusing - no i would rather be on my own .

How much more unfairness do i have to take ?? - i didnt do anything!!!!!!!!!!  :( i give everyone my all, i never ask anyone for anything EVER :( i get little or nothing from anyone, ever ! not anyone!

Family are little different, so i guess its me - i dont know why - i cant change without knowing what wrong, how can i?? do i want to, i pretty sure i dont want to be like them so what would i have to be like?  Everyone is happy around me.  happy to take. happy to have me help. happy for me to support them, care for them  - just not happy to return any thing to me .

As things are, who will notice when im gone?? - few might take note not sure anyone would really care, at least not for long . I know i have no one in my life that will miss me, how sad is that but its ok, ive known for a long time. I guess this is the last straw you can only be kicked so many times eventually you stop getting up.

Its time for me to move away from all this - from all these people that continually hurt me, time for me to go.
Guess i will look at a life alone for now i know i cant trust anyone. 
So i depart from my 'dear friends' my family i still fight on for whether they want me or not, they are my responsibility and always will be. As for the rest i will be polite, i will keep my distance, im not destined to have close friends, i know now i couldnt trust them old or new. Old as they have already lost my trust, new because of the old ones, i could never trust anyone i dont know, how could i when the ones i have known intimately have continually let me down, betrayed me, hurt me - how could i trust anyone ever again??

So with heavy heart - tomorrow i start anew - It seems what ever i do is wrong so im expecting little to change but at least no one can blame me for their wrong doings too, all i will be doing in future will be done on my own.  
They say dont judge others till you walk in their shoes, well my shoes wore out along time ago - i dont know anyone who would have coped with the hurt loss and pain ive endured this last 7 years, so intense i almost didnt make it. But i move on now because ive not come this far to allow others to put me back there. 

 “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Oscar Wilde
 “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
 “A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
Oscar Wilde
 “Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”
Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist 
 “Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”
Oscar Wilde, The Ballad Of Reading Gaol 
 
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Oscar Wilde Oscar Wilde > Quotes


Oscar Wilde quotes (showing 51-100 of 1,433)

“Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.”
Oscar Wilde
“I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.”
Oscar Wilde
“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.”
Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband
“America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.”
Oscar Wilde
“The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.”
Oscar Wilde
“If you are not long, I will wait for you all my life.”
Oscar Wilde
“The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.”
Oscar Wilde
“When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
“A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.”
Oscar Wilde
“Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.”
Oscar Wilde
“I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects.”
Oscar Wilde
“Indeed I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.”
Oscar Wilde
“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.”
Oscar Wilde
“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”
Oscar Wilde
“I am too fond of reading books to care to write them.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
“Paradoxically though it may seem, it is none the less true that life imitates art far more than art imitates life.”
Oscar Wilde
“There is no sin except stupidity.”
Oscar Wilde
“Youth is wasted on the young.”
Oscar Wilde
“A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.”
Oscar Wilde
“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being”
Oscar Wilde
“To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”
Oscar Wilde
“Art is the only serious thing in the world. And the artist is the only person who is never serious.”
Oscar Wilde
“There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely-or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands.”
Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan
“Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.”
Oscar Wilde
“Everything in moderation, including moderation.”
Oscar Wilde
“Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer.”
Oscar Wilde
“Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
“One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.”
Oscar Wilde
“Women have a much better time than men in this world; there are far more things forbidden to them.”
Oscar Wilde
“We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.”
Oscar Wilde
“Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.”
Oscar Wilde
“The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.”
Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man Under Socialism and Selected Critical Prose
“There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.”
Oscar Wilde
“Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
“I like men who have a future and women who have a past.”
Oscar Wilde
“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.”
Oscar Wilde
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”
Oscar Wilde, The Ballad Of Reading Gaol
“The only good thing to do with good advice is pass it on; it is never of any use to oneself.”
Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband
“The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously-and have somebody find out.”
Oscar Wilde
“Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What (women) like is to be a man’s last romance.”
Oscar Wilde
“Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
“Yes, death. Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace. You can help me. You can open for me the portals of death's house, for love is always with you, and love is stronger than death is.”
Oscar Wilde, The Canterville Ghost

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My fluffy tuppence

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