HELLO TO MY NEW FOLLOWERS :)

Hello hello :) welcome, thank you for joining me on this rough old journey of life

wouldnt it be soooo good

Wouldn't it be so good to have a week a day or even a few moments when there is nothing to interfere with the peace and calm of your life, just seems never to let up lately, how can someone get over depression or illness of any sort when everything is so relentless?

I'm so tired, i cant think and i don't know what to do i just feel like going to bed and never getting out of it again.
Some one recently said the past is the past, but sadly its not ...it stays with you forever and even those that choose to try and forget, cant really forget because those memories are always there and just one small thing can trigger them.

I was playing darts a couple of weeks ago when an ambulance flew by, my hands started shaking for no apparent reason, i guess some where in my subconscious the memories of nearly losing my son were there , or my mum or that even someone else may be injured or sick.
In 18 days time i lost someone i loved very much and its already haunting me that the day of my loss is coming, its making me sick at heart and those around me are suffering because of my sadness :(
I am trying to not let it take over my life, but its still so raw and the grief seems to be as strong today as the day he went from my life.
But its not only the one person i grieve for because of the extreme losses we have had through out the last few years it seems almost every week there is someones loss that wrenches our hearts.
I dont think the grieving will ever cease but i am hoping i get to deal with it better than i am at the moment, sadly that day seems such a long long way away ;'(

Positive thoughts???
today its hard to think of anything much ... will try to think of something as the day goes on certainly nothing as of 10am today but its still early hope to update later :/

Busy busy busy

Well the sinus is still playing up growl :( face hurts eye aches a sicky nasty tooth achey ache :(
i have been to the gym on the occasions it falsely let me think it was better lol and ive managed a 5lb loss this week diet was under control till thursday but hopefully my little binge not done to much damage and im back on it today and gym with the girls in a bit

The art show did well i sold 5 of 6 so well chuffed made a nice little amount of money, they were quickies, but my style seems to be popular as ive decided for shows to keep them simple and neutral. I try to price fairly cover my costs time and a little profit, they got a bargain this time cos i didnt have so much time to spend and felt a little guilty charging to much when actually i was very happy with the results and clearly so were they lol :)

in between show gym and sinus (arghh) ive tried to tidy the house what a chore :P
daughter told me to ha ha cheeky mare ... the house is pretty clean and tidy as i had a 'spring' clean up at xmas and ive managed stay on top of cleaning the only thing that is really in a mess is the kitchen mainly due to the hoard of clothes ive washed and not put away, there were a few days of clutter to clear up whilst i had been ill with that crappy cold cos those two lazy men i live with did nothing except cause mess SNARL!

Will is back to work monday glad to have him out of the way and things back to normal, hes not been around much he finds it difficult to stay stagnant so has been to the farm collecting and chopping wood for the fire been out fixing stuff and seeing to cars got a few things done and unfortunately a huge amount to still do.
Things back to normal we can begin again i hope :)

ITS A GOOD DAY TODAY :)

Today its a rare moment of my recent life and its a GOOD DAY TODAY :D

Today i put my paintings in for exhibition :D im well chuffed with my very much rushed results and it seems others are impressed the organizers have praised my work in front of other artists (was a little embarrassed) but im really pleased :D they are not full price because they are 'quickies' im glad i was able to get them done through the weeks of illness i pushed my self so as to not lose my place.

Sadly the photos do not do the paintings justice, you can not see the texture of the oils nor the fine detail and metalics added and even the colouring is not true to the actual paintings but this will give you some idea although not seen in all their glory :/


The show is over the weekend although i get to got to preview last twice i sold 3 paintings on that night alone that is to other artists and exclusive clients :) whooo hoo lol







Im not quite over the illness had sinus all last night playing darts :( and woke up today with a stiff neck which has been sore all day :/ grrr i hoped to go to the gym but no way so doing it tomorrow with trace and maybe vikki.
I am rather annoyed re: darts
ive been winning and all of a sudden the rules seem to be changing , the rules of winter season is if you lose you get dropped which whilst others won and got a game it seems it was ok to drop me on any losses now its their turn its oh we will do a draw to see whose dropped ERRRR NOT ME I WON and have done the last few weeks im afraid i will leave the game i love to play if thats how it is. Sad as i will find it i cant allow them to change the rules to suit them and why is should i, i got dropped even when i won the previous winter season and i was dropped 2 weeks in a row it seems im an easy scape goat when the difficult choices come cos someone hasnt played well and has missed on a few games. Well im not having a repeat of last year. Through out the summer season i played badly and im sure it was the disappointment of being cast aside when i won whilst others enjoyed the glory and got to play every week. I dropped my self many times through the summer and didnt get an extra game which is as its done on summer season the games are equal to players!
Oh well guess we will see what happens but my days of being trod down are gone !!!

Who would believe another cold :(

Ive been tested for every thing blood is fine blood pressure is spot on blah blah etc. etc...done full mot... so why am i catching every bloooooody germ around?
I know that mega flu i had (now some years ago) did knock it out of me (i thought my number was up for sure ....:S so did hubby) it too a while to get back up and running from it but i believe ive only been at 80% since then... i was only 90% anyway after the birth of my son ... he knocked everything out of me to lol bless him. Having my daughter my hair shone skin was perfect and glowing and no one knew i was pregnant my son i swear from the moment i conceived i was ill everything i looked at made me sick i put huge amount of weight (thankfully water which disappeared a week after birth and thankfully back to a completely flat stomach and no stretch marks phew!) my hair was lank and horrible skin dry greasy and spotty right old state! i always thought i never quite got back to 100% then few years back the flu i had just kicked my butt right out the window.

So ive not been here for a week, i had such a bad weekend really really low crying for nothing and everything then the cold hit me and now yes that really nice thing the PMT :/ for goodness sake. Nothing wrong with me the doc says ha ha so why am i constantly coughing wheezing sneezing sore throat headache runny eyes nose and ear aches or vomiting upset stomach ??? I know im low, i know my immune system took a knocking but BUT come on its like forever now !!!!
Im all bunged up but headache has gone ears are slightly sore throat was like i swallowed razor blades yesterday and i couldn't move my neck but bit better today. I did drag myself out to darts ... didnt want to lose my points but i had felt a little better wednesday headache had eased ... whilst i was playing my game an ambulance went flying past and it nearly cost me my game i just started shaking i guess subconscious memories of nick, but it took a while to calm myself fortunateley the other player couldn't get out and i had been way ahead. I am left wondering why after 4yrs i just went in to shake and panic mode oddly nick never popped in to my mind till i started annalizing why i was shaking at the sight of the ambulance? but i knew that was why. I guess i wasnt really well enough to go out although i did win but i was worse the next day and have suffered for that night of errrr enjoyment shall i call it ?? ummm?

So all i have done is lay and sleep and sneeze and sniff and eat chocolate (to help the sore throat of course!) so diet out the window yet again and no gym despite certain people thinking i would be going even though ive not breathed through my nose for a week ? what!!!

My house is a mess I know nick and will work but i am ill and its their mess ive not done anything except lay in bed and a few and very far between cups of tea so where has all the mess come from NOT ME lazy gits have done nothing but wreck my home ARGHHH they will pay when im better he he revenge is mine :P

things getting better ???

Its been a very hard week since the funeral, i have slipped down the hole and its scared me... mainly cos i couldnt stop myself, every little thing has seemed a major incident, im such a misery i feel for those around me not that i think all that i say and do is unjustified, some, just should have been more thoughtful not only to me but all round!
I have found a new web site to help me sort my diet its free and almost as good as the previous one i paid good money for ... i like it and im monitoring what im doing although not always on track at least i know im not !
Tracy wants to go to gym, i've not decided yet im still low and yes i do know exercise helps with the happy thingys in the body.
Im still annoyed and i dont wanna go back to hanging on others i may go but im doing my own thing and not being messed about!

I went out for a while with will and had a drink i feel a little better for it, tups came down too, landlord is one of a minority that doesnt mind dogs in the pub.
Im feeling quite tired but cant sleep (yes have tired, only so much laying in the dark you can do) im at least warm again but i ache all over, just feel im going down with some thing. I want to sleep!
Im so sad at the moment and dont know why i cant think straight everything just seems so pointless and nasty yet i know its not.

What am i do, what a state to be in at least whilst ill i was oblivious, when well of course its all different anyway, but this grey dark middle nothing area is driving me mad!
guess i will try bed again night peeps have a good week :) im gonna try to X

where are my friends?

So where are my friends that are usually wanting me to do some thing for or with them, guess they didnt like the e-mail well who cares im not here for their beck and call drop me cos they've found some thing better to do and dont have the decency to tell me... some friends i have!

Well im more positive today and the fact my so called friends clearly dont give a damn has made me more determined to show them i dont need them either. Ive never been reliant on anyone but i do expect some respect, i dont expect to be used for their conveniences and i dont expect to be dismissed like i dont matter, well i matter to me! they can do the gym on their own in future.


I think i may wonder out tonight wills not been out for ages money has been short i will be so glad when things get back to normal. Well fed up with things at the moment and little support, ironically my support comes more from those far away than those close to me.

Im still feeling really tired, i soooo hope im not going down with anything, just cant shake it off, everything is such an effort i cant explain how hard it is even just sat here, sounds ridiculous doesnt it... how did things get like this? when ill it didnt matter when well i was able to get on with things but this inbetweenie crap is horrible.
As ive said many times im aware of how miserable (more so in my thoughts and writings) i sound but when with friends im probably not as miserable as most of them, maybe its time for new ones ? definately need to change this life i have but where and how etc ... Is this it for me??? god i soooo hope not !