Things will never get better :(

How can things get better now - my mums no longer here :'( how can i look at things and think it will be alright when after losing so many family and friends i also lose my mum ?  

I have to carry on yes, i know that  - LIFE GOES ON - but its an empty life now how do i build on such loss people cant be replaced. Live on treasured memories but thats not living its dream back to a life i  no longer have - i cant forget obviously and certainly wouldnt want to, but how do i go on? how does my life go on?

For a long time now the world seemed darker lonelier for each loss it was worse than the time before and now the ultimate price of my mum, i miss her so much.

I had some lovely cards and flowers my work colleagues sent me a huge bouquet
The funeral went well - well as well as any day like that can :/  the day was sunny all went smoothly the church was packed to capacity no room left but we knew she was well loved, the church is a big one over 300 people attended. She was carpeted with flowers as she wanted to be - we were told how proud she would have been but i think she would be most proud of our family - despite all the problems issues disputes they stood together for her NOW SHE REALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD OF THAT!

So what do i do now? 

Well - im still sorting things at mums. :( once thats done i guess i will have little reason to go there but i  have to pass her house everyday i cant go any other way.
I have a little more time at work guess that will keep me busy for a while :/
I need to crack on and diet - i need to lose this weight and get fit i soooooooooo need to.
We need to finish our house so we can finally sit back and we desperately need a holiday - unlikely for a while yet but maybe things will turn up and we will get to have a break

Im tired now need to sleep if i can manage it 

Finally at rest mum, never alone your with dad now x

Funeral of my lovely mum was yesterday saddest day of my life, after six years of countless bereavements, illness, almost losing my son and just about as much other crap as any one could endure, the worst day of my life happened 10/08/11 when my mum passed away.

She is now with my dad and finally resting, for such a sad occasion we couldnt have wished for anything better all went well. Someone told me she would be proud of the send off she had , the church was packed to overflowing and she is carpeted in flowers just showing how much she was thought of and loved. But i think the thing she would be proudest of is  her family, despite disputes and many problems they stood together for her and made the day perfect .

Ellen May Probets 07/05/21 - 10/08/11  Loving mother to 10 children 7 sons and 3 daughters grandmother to 35 + grandchildren and 28 and counting great grandchildren

MUCH LOVED deeply missed every moment

My lovely lovely mum passed away :'( 10/08/2011 RIP mum xxx

My lovely lovely mum  miss her already so very very much 

THE WORLD IS A MUCH DARKER PLACE WITHOUT HER IN IT :(

Wedding bells ringing for my friend Deliska

Wishing my friend Deliska and her husband to be (in a few hours) Geoff a wonderful won
derful day I hope they have happiness for the rest of their lives and enjoy their special day 

THE HAPPY COUPLE :)

 This is the bracelet i sent her with and old bead a new bead 2 borrowed beads so she gets to keep the repllica and send the 'borrowed' one back (as its borrowed of course lol) and something blue - she has a bride and groom, wedding bells, wedding cake and a heart .

waiting for something?

I have this strange feeling of waiting - waiting for something to happen i guess - not a forboding - well i dont think it is, just this odd feeling . I dont feel i can get on until 'whatever' it is has happened . I dont like it !!!


Nick is planning to go live in Mexico - i think it will do him good ! This is him with Viri the girl he has met in Mexico.

he needs to get on with life, it seems to have gone on hold since his accident and i think it will be a good learning curve for him

I hope things go well for him and he has a good life - its gonna be hard for me, i guess you think your kids are always gonna be close by , and i will miss him - but i do think he needs this - i think he really needs to begin living !

I sent my friend Deliska a bead bracelet for her wedding present - shes done a superb picture - i sent her beads : a some thing old - although i had several i chose a golden one, i know her them is yellow and white daisies - something new i got a nice new white bead -some thing borrowed i got 2 beads she has to send one back as its borrowed and she gets to keep its twin so she has a reminder of the borrowed bead - and some thing blue of course a blue bead :D i got a bride and groom a wedding cake a wedding bell and an eternal heart with a couple of other beads - its up to her now to build her story. I hope she has a wonderful wedding day and life ahead of her :)

Well i have lots to do today and i dont know where to start :/ i could so do with a cleaner few days a week just until things get sorted  here - the house has so much that needs to be done and hubby is off working every hour - my merc stands rotting :'( i cant see it will ever be done ! but i have my kids they are healthy and safe and its all i really want.

We had a superb Christmas this year - the best for soooooooo long one to cherish !

Well its 7 15 am Hubby has gone off to work and i guess i had better get off my bum and begin sorting this place out again :/

feeling oddly numb!

Found the last couple of days rather odd  - saturday i had my first good day in like FOREVER! it was nice to feel 'normal' like my old self , someone ive not felt like for so long i hardly knew me  - i know sounds odd last couple of days ive felt kinda numb - with some moments of dispair as i continually got bad news - today at work i had the feeling of - well hard luck it doesnt matter any  more - :/ i liked saturday i wish i could go back to being like that, as i used to be - the numbness is odd i  hope its not a lull before the storm or may be its a lull before better things - i sooooooo hope so

Last  week my viki got herself some cats two lovely kittens  macey and mini minx aka narnia the black one i have re-named the minx lol

Whilst life seems to go on for everyone else i seem to be stuck in the whirl of being the one who clears up and sorts out just about everything for everyone whilst they just dont seem to care about the consequenses - im to tired now - i think ive done my bit - they have to do theirs and stand on their own feet instead of mine! i want a life, and more so now that i have lost the past few years with illness and having lost so many friends and family its made me think that i may not have long left to try and enjoy this life so im looking at doing something about it !!

More bereavements :/ NOW THATS ENOUGH no more please !

Maureen Shipperly - Billy Smith both passed away last week and i have news that one of my best friends husband has 2 months to live soooooo enoughs enough ! When my nick had his serious accident, my mum was in hospital having major surgery at the same time - i lost several people i cared about within those same few months in that 2 1/2 yr period we lost 19 family and close friends (this isnt including other people i have know well ) Fortuneately god heard my prayers for my boy and he is safe and well, my mum has never fully recovered by she is still with us for both i thank god daily.
In 6th year  from the above , we have now had over 40 of those family and friends pass away - it has been just not stop ive even lost count - i was seriously ill for a long period and its been a long hard toll to recover but im getting there with help and support from my family and friends.

Depression leaves me with 'bad' and 'negative' thoughts and i use this blog to vent - it has helped often and kind comments from people who have come by has helped to so despite all the dispair i post this blog has helped get me through some rough times just by writing out the hurt and pain helped release it from me a little and made it more copeable


So thank you to those that have come by its always very much appreciated - im working on good thoughts and blogging but when every week is much like this last one its difficult