TWO SUNNY DAYS IN ENGLAND !

I do not lie ... i thought i was in summer this weekend :) the worrying thing of this beautiful april is the last twice we have had sunny aprils we have had no summer at all :/ but we are out there making the most of anything we get!

Was hubbys birthday and kids are paying for a night away in a posh hotel however we had to cancel and re book for 2 weeks time bit disapointed but then the lovely weather came and we were glad to have the opportunity to get out in the garden.
We attacked a lot more than we actually intended saturday we ended up re newing the pond, major clean and its looking so much better we also have a huge amount of newts so hoping we havent disturbed them to much ... the frogs have been active with frog spawn always a good thing to occupy the kids, although liam is growing fast and will be 13 on the 25th then on the 28th its 31 yrs of me and will scary stuff how did that happen :/

ummm the diet no diet thing :S
so back to it tomorrow again i so have to get on, im gonna try the sugar free thing managed it once before helped with the mood swings :/ but the diet is getting more sugary and i cant do the sugar thing pmt even if i do the rest of the month. I was bad all round this month, but also the weight needs a boost and sugar is a huge thing as far as diets go so im taking blogger diana's advice and trying again :)

Good news Our darts venue is sorted we are now part of Racquet's club the chap there is very accommodating and we had a brill evening celebrating :D

ZAPPED OUT !

Well, i feel weak as a kitten,i lie , i feel like a dead gnat!
I went to darts last night feeling quite well considering the past couple of days but as i played my energy just when plop and disappeared. I was shaking and felt really out of it, i think after my binge session (cravings mainly sugary or/and cheesy) and having hardly ate the two cramping days maybe my blood sugar levels dropped hence the energy loss and shaking. Today im tired and weak and absolutely fed up ... enough is enough for goodness sake GIVE ME A BREAK! im trying to keep my diet under control now even if not dieting at least trying to make healthy choices and no bingin :S


Short and sweet as of the moment as i need to sleep im half working on paper work since yesterday omg how it piles up :/
cup of tea and another nap first me thinks

Back to dieting :/

BAD BAD me :S
Easter week i decided i was getting no where with diet so had the holiday off, things started good afterwards all good intentions did a bit of gym and felt a bit more on track. But things went from bad to worse on coming pmt i found i was unable to control the cravings and stuffed myself with all sorts of crap omg!
I have had a bad 2 days pmt was really really rough :( cramps were worst in a long time although never good dont know why they were even worse than normal but its lost 2 days for me!Today im back on track, PHEW i have little time left for the big 50 :( im prob not going to do it specially if i carry on like this. I do have to get out of this house but the weather has changed and i hate the cold so much.

I need to occupy my brain with something so im not sat here vegetating, im a major couch potatoe and things are getting worse!
I would like a job despite my protests to will but i know im not up to it at the moment : ( i wish people understood, if i could work i think it would help me get in a routine and sort myself out. I want to be well and back to how i used to be or at least move on from this.

However, at least today im back trying im gonna face the cold ( i hate soooo much) and get out the house, but first i will have a go at the mass of paper work over due to be sorted :/ maybe by the time ive finished the day will brighten ha ha
i am annoyed with myself how can i be so weak and useless i was never like this if i needed to do something i did it , how did i let myself get in this state? my skin is awful my hair is as bad, im gaining weight instead of losing no matter how much i try even when i was soooo sick for a week i put on 3lb everyone else lost half a stone and wasnt as ill as me :(
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY YEAR :(
so far i havent even managed to anything for me, im almost worse off being the heaviest that ive ever been omg omg!
OTHER THINGS :)Did lots of work in the garden and still working on it, weather not so good now so back inside, tuppence did her bit to help lol (hinder maybe closer to the truth)

We did get her digging too ... like we had any choice .. my viki thinks shes a tramp in fluffy clothing lol she should have been a jack russell working dog not a fluffy pretty posh thing ha haIm glad things are getting done the house (and garden) have become more and more a mess whilst ive been ill seems everyone gave up when i wasnt able at least now i can bully and function to some degree the house is slowly looking like it used to. Ive worked slowly on getting things sorted and it feels like my home again. Im not a house proud person but i like my home nice, after all as i see it we spend most of our time there (other than working:/) and i want it to be nice, comfortable and clean. I like design stuff and hopefully if and when it ever gets finished it will be a nice place :)
Well its time to sort things i guess both the paper work and ME!

A weekend of sunny days friday and saturday were quite warm but the wind came up and cooled sunday and monday today is bright but cold Brrr
Well well well :( things are as per usual ... ie crappy! mega nasty PMT/PMS monthly curse what ever one calls it now. Cramps have been the worst ever. So ive been laid up yet again, hoping no one has breathed any germs on me cos this is the week i will catch any bugs going.

Im just off to the bathroom for a facial my skin is awful its bad enough with the increasing wrinkles :( :( but to have spotty nasty dry skin too is adding insult to injury :( my hair is not a great deal better i guess all the months of illness have hit me hmmmph like i need anything else grr!

Also im worried about my little tups shes been shivering usually a sign of pain or possibly something wrong like low blood sugar and a few other worrying things so off to the vet as soon as i can get an appointment for her.
Hubby to is in need of repair, his knee has been painful for sometime although the knee support has helped i think he should get checked out. Hes also quite a few moles, but i would like him to just get checked out as im sure he has more now.

My nice news is hubby and i enjoyed a lovely weekend, although lots of work in the garden we had a bbq saturday, my back is feeling the strain but cramps have over ridden that for a while :/
The Grand National Horse race was Saturday so we had a small flutter first year ive not won something oddly i did choose the winner 'dont push it' and i dont know why but i went and changed my mind, my policy is never change from your first feeling, so im not sure why i did and lost because of it :/ ... My Viki had a 4th place :) a small pay back for her :)

My face book friends from abroad, have asked to see where i sit and chat from so i posted some pics, thought you may like to see to :)
The bottle of champers is empty, we opened it Easter Sunday when the family were all together and of course someone had to finish it off lol O:)

Tuppence is perched on top of the sofa bad girl lol and a nice roaring fire because its still cold here despite the sun :/ :D
I usually have a nice duvet nearby too lol i like to be really comfy ... as you can see tea mug there too :)


Well my bath is ready and this face needs to be sorted so bye for now :)

On strike and no blogging laptop repair :(

You all get to have a little break from me , lap top is to go back (heap of shite!) :/

So i wont be around for a bit, not sure what im going to do, may be some extra gym time arghhh :(

Today didnt start well, finances are very tight (although im not really sure why but just a glitch) hoever, with wills current bad moods, things flew :/
AND IM ON STRIKE!
Wills been extremely good though out my illness, mainly because i was clearly ill and i know at one stage he was seriously worried. But i guess thats ended now.

As i had some personal shares ive paid my way (not that i thought i had to) its been there any time we've needed it, although i dont need to defend myself, ended up doing so and now im angry! . Today he pushed to far.
I dont understand why he and they, all think i need to get a job? i pay my way, always have . My money is always there, ive possibly put in more than any one. So what is the issue ? is it that im sat here while they have to earn a living, lucky me can afford not to? And course i dont look ill, ill. Just lazy i guess!

I know im now recovering and i guess to many i appear 'WELL ' but its not that easy, yes i now function, i can cope better with most daily tasks but im STILL recovering.
Sadly im not able to do all that i wish to, all that i need to :( people think im being lazy, yes i know they do. They dont even have to say, those little comments like 'pull yourself together and get moving' 'you have to try' OMG they have no idea ! no idea how much i want, how much i need to be ok again.
I yearn so much to go back in time and have my life back, I so desperately want to have ME back.
Im now able (most days) to clean the house, cook and generally do what needs to be done, some days are harder than others but i do keep trying.
I find my concentration is very poor, one of the reasons im struggling with the idea of going back to work. Getting up in the morning is soooo unbelievably hard and i often dont manage it (classic depression symptom) . I have been unfortunate to catch just about every bug going which hasnt helped.
But im NOT lazy, ive worked hard all my life, im fighting with all my strength to get through each day and just because ive managed to clean up, or put a 'brave ' cover face on things doesnt mean im ok. I so wish it did.
I wish i could swap places so they could see from my shoes, so they could understand but they wont ever know and i know they wont ever come remotely near to understanding any of it!
They dont really even want to listen, it only matters when it affects them.

I guess with will, his patients has run out. Hes at work and he like everyone else is now only seeing the mask i wear. He no longer sees the struggle i have :(
I know hes tired, its one of the reasons i want to get well, to take some of the stress off of him.
What do i do? find a job, just to sit and humiliate myself because i cant do it?
Oddly no one has ever paid me to do their washing, cook their dinners etc. even when i was working as many hours as them ?? No one did anything much whilst ive been ill, certainly did very little for me and i awoke to a mess of a house thats took months on months to catch up with no one seems to have noticed, who do they think cleared it?

As of today im on STRIKE! instead of using my money as a buffer for the bills that would not have been paid or for the luxuries we are lucky enough to indulge in, I will put in my share and that is all, what isnt paid isnt paid and will can see to any wolves that want paying, they can also do their own chores!
They can walk around in stinky clothes or wash them their selves they can go shopping for the food and then cook it cos as of today im not!

So off my lazy butt and get this hing sent off for 3rd repair :/
seems there is continually some thing no matter how i try.

Hope your days are hugely better than any i seem to get xxxx

Hope everyone had a good Easter break :)

Hope your all rested and ready for work tomorrow, hope it was a good holiday for you spent with family and friends :)

Tracy did a beautiful meal Saturday night for us, we crawled home about 2am :/ fortunately we only live one house away lol

Sunday i got a little stressed with the cooking although it all went well, the beef was a little tough and i was so glad i cooked lamb too, bit miffed cos the joint we had the previous week was lovely oh well guess it happens.
We got to meet Steve, the new boyfriend, he seems a nice enough, a lot calmer person than Neil, not that i ever blamed Neil, i knew the poor upbringing he had was almost 100% the reason he is as he is.

We had an enjoyable meal, Steve built like a honey monster :D ate heartily whilst mini mouse Viki, ate like a bird as usual.
It was sooooooo nice having all the family together, the shock of losing Neil as a family member is no longer so strange, i guess acceptance has set in, Neil made it easier for us as he moved on his self quite quickly although we did have some paddy attacks from him.
It was a lovely day, very enjoyable and relaxing.

Still even though the weekend has been generally good here comes the bad bit .... yes i say again there always is in my world :(

Sadly during the early hours of the morning i got a text from a friend, she had a domestic with the hubby and came up, we chatted for a while, i put her to bed on the sofa and finally worn out myself went to bed, i heard her leave about 8 am she had come to a decision of what she wanted to do. She called me later in the day and let me know things were ok and some issues had been sorted. Im so glad shes ok PHEW!
In saying that i am worried about her, and have been for quite some time, i hope she continues to come to me in her hours of need and not do what my daughter done and bottle it up till she could take no more.
My Viki had a few drinks and was found jumping in front of cars trying to end things :( fortunately she is ok, she did fall over and broke her 2 front teeth, she had such beautiful teeth, but its only cosmetic and although it has cost she now has some new ones.
Today you can see the change in her, shes so much happier. I hope my friend can find some peace too.

Monday ummm ive lazed, its my last day as ive now got to really hit the diet and exercise for the big 50 do i want to be this size a DEFINITE NO!
Well lets see how i get on, one thing i must do is get out of this house. Its so easy to laze and begin again tomorrow, whilst traveling several times to the fridge having just that one chocolate biscuit and at the end of the cup of tea only 3 are left from a full packed :o how does that happen, that you dont see yourself stuff it ??? auto mode, denial .....SIGH
Maybe with spring/summer arriving it will help.

so thats it for my Easter despite a small interlude most of it has been restful and good :) and more special with my family here :) :)

Easter? didnt they mean Christmas?

Hailed yesterday, yes its freezing cold and they keep forecasting snow :/ omg!
What happened to those Easters we spent at the Zoo and other days out, sunny, bright, hot days?

Although the daffodils are showing there faces, only some have braved this cold weather, frost was on the cars this morning and the wind just cuts you in half.

We had a couple of days of sunshine a few weeks ago, TRICKED in to believing that spring was here :( .... the heating is on full and i have a roaring fire, i'm thinking i need to emigrate ummm seriously, I sooooo hate the cold but not only is it freezing but its wet (or snowy) with dark grey skies, maybe i'm suffering from S.A.D, i do know the sun changes my moods so i'm definitely affected to some degree.



The bad bit of my week, yep it don't let up in my world... i'm laid up :/ my back has given up (and my neck ) to much cleaning i guess so at the moment i lay here in pain feeling sorry for myself and choking on the remaining dust i cant even manage to run from now !
Ive not been to the gym :( and although i struggled at darts last night, i did win my game. However, i suffered more today, i think i tensed up trying to over come the pain whilst playing.
Unfortunately we didnt have a team so if i hadn't gone we would have had a loss or re-arranged match but would also have to find a venue now we are homeless.
It was the last game at the star....... im glad to say!
I felt very awkward there, the pub is half stripped and empty the locals have already started to desert, it will be interesting to see how many customers he has on a wednesday night (or any other) .
Its sad because it was such a nice pub, good atmosphere and local people sharing a drink and a game of pool, darts, domino's or crib.... sad sad day to see it go!

The Good News bit ...he he rare i know but makes a change

We have a new venue for darts PHEW! a local club, that currently doesn't even have a dart board is willing to give us the venue :D but in addition they have a gym and giving us discount if we want to join making it £10 cheaper per month than the current one :D :D
The darts season hasn't ended yet but all our other games are away so we no longer need frequent the star (which hes closing any way for 2 weeks for the 'posh' refurb,) he never said bye girls or anything just acted like nothing was happening, so that's that !

Im really chuffed that we still get to do the darts its my only night out, i get to see the girls have a drink, chill from the real world, and play a friendly competition (some thing to reach for) we did well last year and are very close this year. The news of the star did put us on a downer last week and we lost every game but this week we won 5-0 whoo hoo :D

More nice news .... i know your in shock now lol

Tracy, my friend is doing a meal Saturday night, cool .... a chill night, someone else doing all the work and i just get to indulge :D

Also hubby's birthday in 2 weeks, the kids are paying for us to go away for the weekend :) i told them not to spend to much but its much needed and much appreciated. Will really needs a break as do i. I looked at holidays today but i need to get passports sorted first, and thats now costing a small fortune but some nice short breaks available (at short notice ) so soon as finances are a little more settled i will get one sorted for us :)

And .... we get to meet the boyfriend ..... Steve, I'm doing all the work Sunday lol but it will be nice to see who put the smile back on my daughters face. Shes walking with a spring in her step so maybe it was time she moved on from Neil, shes never revealed what went wrong and I've decided not to interrogate her on it, i still get a pang that we lost someone from our lives, i thought she was settled. But I'm happy that's shes happy and that's what counts!


DIET NEWS or NOT as the case maybe :/ arghh

Just been sleeping and eating. I'm normally ill when i sleep, being an insomniac when I'm well. I'm not sure why I'm sleeping like this but i am clearly eating for energy too, all the wrong stuff mainly sweet :( and time is ticking for that big birthday omg!
So, this week with Easter on its way I'm having a break from dieting and resting my weary body hoping i haven't caught anything, and now i need to rest up :/ because I've over done things and my back and neck are playing up.

Also with Tracy cooking one of her delicious meals :) its good not to have to worry about what I'm eating.


HOWEVER!!!! its back to it Tuesday all well and good with my back, i will be back to the gym too but more so, i have to get this dieting in order.
Maybe with all the illness and still recovering from depression, its not the best time but I'm getting bigger and bigger if nothing else i need to keep it in check and i would so love to be just one dress size smaller for the 5 0

Will is doing the 'finishing' bits to the kitchen units so im going to see if i can raise my aching body and see the result

HAPPY EASTER ALL xxxx