Every or any day is a good day to begin again

Yes - im begining again, the fight goes on!

I keep starting again, i have to.

Im looking to start again from each time i cant cope every time i have crap pull me down.

Im clawing on to the edge of that dark pit and im doing every thing i can not to go down there again.

Flu hit me big time and left me with that low feeling then the usual bad luck heap of crap hit me too 

Ive vented and screamed on here and its given me an out let - i let out the nasties and im left with thoughts of how i can move on.

TODAYS been a good day!

I got up after a slow start, ive cleaned the windows, carpet, kichen, washed the dog :) cleaned the conservatory, mopped, dusted, washed and dried the laundry and other bits, ive not had the afternoon nap nor the early evening one and im not particularly tired for the first time in 9 weeks

RELIEF big big time!!!

Feeling more positive for feeling better - the crap is still having to be worked out but feeling healthier has helped - i still have that sick worried feeling inside but remain hopeful that its dealt with and no more will hit us, well at least for a while.

Diet - umm as ive been busy its been a good diet day 

Tomorrow i go for a walk with my friend Vikki and maybe i will do a few spurts of jogging not to much im not gonna over do it, its just the start of getting healthier fitter and losing this fat !

I know i have to build up slowly im still weak but on the up, really pleased with how ive been today 

Decided not to put the nasties down today ive ranted about them enough

im looking for the good-ish things 

I feel better 

not so tired

not sleeping most the day

got a lot done 

clean house clean mind - feng shui lol

car is being sorted and money to pay for it is here (although it leaves us rather skint )

I have a lovely family 

The nutters :D

I have a beautiful (although not quite finished ) :D home 

My husband works so hard, its almost unbelieveable i hope one day soon we get to have a proper holiday and sleep and rest and soak up the sun 

you just cant keep hoping !

Beam me up scottie :/

How do you keep trying and hoping when everything you do just knocks you down and kicks you while your there?
I keep begining again i keep trying and what do i get for it ?
Yes im in my usual low flu has knocked me for six, im sleeping forever at the moment im so tired and weak i cant describe.
Today my cars gone in for repair, or possibly new engine costing a small fortune with money we dont have to spare :(
Rowed with the hubby as i do have a 12k beautiful merc sat out side rotting GRRRRRRR it keeps being put aside and once again the money has to go else where

My art show is pending (24th feb) and one of my canvas has spoiled dont know if i can finish in time :( im really concerned now plus i dont have a damn car!!!!
 
Ive not heard from work after the promise of starting so im looking for some thing else (part time) although at the moment i would be glad to get off the sofa for more than half hour without conking out!
DIET ha ha ha - im working on it - im trying to build my strength and in turn eat decent food to help get my energy back - i have lost 4lbs i think probably more by default than by design.
i need to get this weight off to help with the energy and fitness side but i need the energy and fitness to lose the weight CATCH 22 :/ 

Been to docs nothing to be done with flu course not what can they do ? thats why ive not bothered dragging myself down there people keep saying go to docs well i did and im no better off - well actually thats not true im worse off  ha ha yes course i am - why ? well i had a cyst come up infected nasty ewwww yuk one ive been put on antibiotics which 'could' cause nausea and mild upset stomach well nothing mild about what i had (im assuming cos im not up to scratch yet its hit me ) felt sick for 3 days now and sat on loo for most of it too :( (no i lost the 4lbs before the tablets lol)
cyst burst after getting back from docs :S :S :S but unlike last time where it shot out clean and cleared up this has oozed and gone nasty it stings and i feel like crap to so yes i have to laugh cos if i cry i definately wont stop :'(
 

Im kinda thinking this blog should be named 'things just keep getting worse'
GIVE ME A BREAK - this isnt being tested this is just being tortured :'(
What did i do that deserved all this unending crap ??


Im sooooooooooo tired soooooooo fed up and i dont know i can do this for much longer, i just dont have anything left  - im drained dry 
5 yrs of my life just disappeared im 50 and its all just passing me by.  I know we all have problems and im willing to deal with them as they come but come on this is ridiculous!! no one and i mean no one can keep this up without feeling down and i was already at the bottom. I just want a rest, no worry for just a bit i want to be well and then if i still have this crap to put up with it at least i have a fighting chance instead of being kicked in the teeth time and time again while im down
AND damn scottie still hasnt beamed me up!!


Dont worry peeps im venting - i need to SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAM  


I was starting feb off as my new year start (again) but as above more crap more headaches im just very tired and wiped out  so im off to conk out again 
Hey who knows i will prob start my new year again next blog -things can only get better?  well it needs to be soon !

Trying to get on ....

I'm still trying .... 
Although i plod on at least im plodding, as per my last morose post things are not looking so good at the moment HEY whats new ???
But im working on things and clinging to the edge of that dark pit with all that i have cos i dont think i could make that climb a second time .
Im not at the top yet (clear to see from my blogs :/) but im working hard to at least stay where ive got 

The usual 'minor' things are still going wrong  :/ but im trying to look at whats ok sadly not much,
i need a break, but with things as they are its not going to be forth coming.
There is so much i need to get on with but the after effects of flu have left it difficult to get on
I have only 20 days for my art exhibit and 2 paintings to complete :( omg omg!!


Diet?? well ummmmmm arghhhh errrrrrrrrrrr 
i did 2 good days (no scale positives though) today is not so good so far but im sooooo tired  so that may be why, with having begun to feel better ive got off my bum and tried to do some bits but i think i may have done a bit to much bit to soon :/
I am sleeping huge amounts so know im not right yet, i sleep when ill and insomniac when well .
It feels im wasting my life away sat here, whilst turning into an elephant.

My 'boss' phoned me about work and is trying to get me back (contracted work) im glad its not started in one way but i need the work and i think the routine of work will help me out of this 
 

Bleak times ahead ???

Well finances are getting bleak : work is low for hubby mine is non existant at the moment (hoping my contract re starts but who knows - do i look for some thing else?) weather is not going to help snow is forcast again - i dont know what we will do if that hits us again :(

Im getting over the flu so one thing improving but now have a breathing problem - i dont know if its the flu residue, or panic breathing or even an allergy i really cant be doing with being ill any longer!

Im quite concerned about things all round at them moment :/

SO is there any thing to look forward to - im hoping spring comes soon along with regular work for both of us but its hard to look onwards at the moment .
Health needs to improve - diet has begun from monday but today is the first day i feel im struggling :/
took tups for a walk did a tiny bit of jogging but it wiped me out and i slept the afternoon (however this stopped me fridge picking)
My sleeping pattern is shot to bits 
Come on come on  need to get things going - i cant be like this another year we need help a miracle wouldnt go a miss - lottery win ? we need a holiday AND a break from this continuous depressing onslaught of misery !


well its another venting blog so keep it brief and go start my day having been up all night .. here we go facing another day...

so my new years not started yet :/

Quicky post...
I cant start my new year until all this crap is out of the way - flu is just about deciding to leave me, thankfully , at last - however (there always is one :(  isnt there) i had stomach bug today, gastroenteritis is going about apparently i sooooooooooo soooooooooooo soooooooooo hope no-one has given me that :( 
 Still weak but at least moving about , which is just as well - i posted on fb that i hoped to be well soon to start enjoying the fact im not working and about 2mins later the phone rang ?? yep you guessed it they want me to do a 3 month contract :/ typical lol so i  neeeeeeed to get better really quickly now

Diet  oh dear
nope its not started yet either 
im struggling due to no energy and now a stomach bug grrr im eating trash and really unhappy about it  but i will try as soon as i can get about i really  cant be doing with this weight and i hate being so unfit but i need time at the moment to get well so i  have to let myself have that and think of diets and exercise when im able to get my butt out of bed !

Well , im still thinking things should be getting better, hopefully the worst is behind us although as per usual the new year started like the last 5 and things have not been good BUT im not gonna let it take over my head and bring me down, im fighting flu depression a little and that along with all the Sh**e  is not gonna get the better of me this time!
nothing much else happening at the moment im not able to do much, i have the art exhibition but im worried im not going to get my paintings done in time - press on - press on umm easier said than done when you find it hard to even go for a pee when you need one. 
 Its 7 30 am not been to bed yet so off to zzzzzzzzzzzzz 

so i begin again - and again - and again if i have to but im still trying

Today im actually feeling a little better - not out of the woods but having slept all morning i actually have been able to get up and move something ive not done for some weeks but for a few occasions which knocked me right back again.

I wanted my new year to start some days ago finally getting most of the crap   (that hit me in its usual way) sorted out. But the flu wouldnt let me get on, i slept 24hrs yesterday and after being up a couple of hours last night slept again till 11am. 
For the first time in almost 2 months i actually feel i might be on the mend, im taking it steady and gonna pamper myself a bit.

Along with flu came a low that frightened me into worrying that i might slip back in to that pit, that my grip on the edge was loosened. ive kept trying, ive vented my bad thoughts and crap out on these pages and its helped to get them out of my head where they continuously whirled. Sleep has been a medicine to me where nothing else was.  I always know when im going down with the dreaded lurgey of some sort because i sleep, my usual insommnia disappears and its difficult to wake me. 
Soooooo here i go again im starting with my hair :D tidying myself up a nice hot bath facial a general pamper.
My house is a wreck (cant trust men to do anything and ive no offers from anyones else ) but its waited this long for me it can wait a few more days , i dont plan to over do things . 

Diet :/
well im trying again with that too, i will shop later when hubby is home to help me not having got all my strength back yet im not risking a big shop on my own.
So im gonna sort out my DIET shopping list in a moment and look at quick meals that are not gonna take a toll on me. Im cutting down the sugar which ive soooooo over indulged in. Chocolate has been a life saver for the razor blades in my throat, i struggle with cough sweets after my previous flu some years ago i over dosed i can no longer smell them let alone eat them. so yep many lbs have been put on :/  all i can do is hope they come off quickly now im back to normal 'ish eating and quicker when im in full diet mode ............. here we go


 

What did i do wrong that others did right?

THE NOT SO GOOD BIT

Im still with flu :( and its worn me down, in my struggle over depression flu is not the best thing to have cos all those nasties pop their horrible heads up and over take my brain :/

Ive sat today unable to do much, and there is soooooo much to do. 
I slept most the day away  but on my waking ive sat wondering what i did so so wrong, that after 5 years of crap 5 years of fighting to just have a little normallity and hoping for the miracle of a little happiness,  that im still waiting.

Ive looked at others and most people seem to have a relatively good life, few ups and downs which is the nomallity of most lives, some are like me with just one thing after another never letting up and wearing us down and then there are those that that seem have it all. 

SO WHAT DID I DO WRONG? ummm maybe the question should be what did they do right? 
I dont think im a bad person, I give all i can,  help all i can, even throughout being ill and unable to care for myself i found some strength to help others (who knows where from but i was there when needed even though i couldnt be for me) 
Ive compared my life with those that seem happier, healthier, who have all going right for them, only to find they often havent been so good, but seem to have rewards in all ways.
After 5 years of continuous crap :/ fighting depression and other illness , ive clawed my way back to the top of that deep dark pit, sadly still hanging on the edge, i get to see the new year in as i did the previous ones with a funeral, my kids in danger - ( but thank you soooooo much god for protecting them) - no work bleak months of finances ahead, flu thats just knocked me for 6 and wondering if i can manage to keep fighting on.

Yep my bleak blog is here again :/ THINGS SHOULD BE GETTING BETTER shouldnt they??

THE FIGHTING ON FOR BETTER THINGS BIT:

Today i want to start my new year