Officially old and fat :/

Guess i have to decide now what i want most ... face lift and lipo .. well thats not gonna happen botox possibility... diet ummm well im back at the gym seriously struggling i do have to get back to it big time i did hardly anything today :/ and came home feeling quite ill (hayfever not helping matters)
So ... im 50 and fat and dont wanna be either, 50 i cant do anything about, fat thats cos im sticking lots of rubbish foods in to my mouth and thats my choice my fault i need to STOP now!
Im still in grey area of illness so its not easy, my head isnt functioning rationally and here i am trying to do something that is soooooooo hard for sooooo many people DIET :(
I have done one thing i kinda regret, ummm i only went and got a job ?? wtf?? and a full time one omg what did i do that for??, i can only see how things go. :(
Im thinking only positive thing about it is that maybe i will get in some routine where as at the moment i have none :/ so maybe its a start to my new me new life new diet maybe it will take me out of the grey darkness and in to the sunlight again!YUK how awful is that ^ :(

So hubby is out tonight its now 12 20am im guessing hes doing the she can come in at 4am thing i will to, well if he is he wont be doing it on his 50th cos as far as im concerned hes done it tonight and i may consider doing it every week just because i know my going out annoys him more than his going out annoys me ... i dont care less but he does! however, im not having his silly petty she did it last week stuff, i think he will suffer more than i !

This week i became an auntie to teddy (yes thats what theyve named him bless) and a great auntie to grace ive now lost count how many there is i will have to go through and update but its way in the 30's for auntie and great auntie :S

Im not waiting up for hubby so off to bed now ... will sort him out later lol

so im 50 :/

Here i am big 50 omg ! oh well little i can do about it i guess, sadly :( money may help in some ways ie 'bit' of botox or surgery here and there when required lol
My viki will be 31 :S 12th (day after mine) shes away for weekend to so shes already been gifted and hope she has a lovely time :)


Wednesday 9th june started well at darts mel and her man celebrating bought 2 bottles of champers :D we lost the darts but were so tiddly it didnt matter well not till sober anyway ha ha
Thursday was our end of season meal, and celebrating my 50 to come :/
the girls dressed the table was lovely big balloon saying err... 50 (bitches lol~) there was little sparkly 50's everywhere just as well the meal was so superb i didnt notice eating them lmao!



The meal was fantastic best ive ever eaten im taking the chef home to live with me omg i cant tell you how nice our meal was :D finished off with birthday cake (again shouting out 50) whilst i tried to hang on to the last thin thread of my 40's everyone and everything pulled me in to the next decade faster than i wanted!

I had beautiful pressies both sisters came and visited me friday with gifts, a necklace from sue a balloon, photo albumn and cushion with 'im 18 with 32 yrs experience lol' my viki got me the 'pot of dreams .. mums pamper funds' saving pot, and a large bottle of my fave perfume, liam got me a meer cat ha ha and some smellies for my NEW CAR yes whoo hoo willy got me a car, we havent been able to find a nice pick up yet so now hes half wrecked our festa he said he will run it in the ground till some thing comes up and i get a car here it is :D :D



Mum gave me money so will get some petrol ha ha ha:D cool or what !

The girls got me vouchers for pampering so i had a tan an body polish tracy got me the back up pamper items to which she stuck 50 ~ 50pence pieces (which i have to unstick :/) some wine and paracetemol lmao! vikki got me a beautiful glass with 50 on it mel got me a rose and dee got me a butterfly book mark ~ Nick is paying for a holiday :D although ive said its to much he insists so i will be flitting away when the passports are sorted :D :D


Friday night i went out with trace and vik and light weight vik went home early (ish) pmsl sambuka face





so did me and trace to but ours was 'early hours' lol errr 4 15am ooops
i was suposed to be off on my weekend away so on rallying myself round will and i set off for bournemouth, i tried not to appear tiddly and kept my dozing to the minimum :/ we had a lovely day weather was scorching tups enjoyed her first taste of sand and spent an hour sniffing and sneezing lol dug a hole and shifted the sand on wills head he he he
Its not all good ... how could i expect it to be???
We decided to get home earlier than intended next morning both quite shattered as we had walked miles along the sea front so lazed about most of the morning, will went off to see to the chickens and here comes our bad luck both our remaining chickens were dead :/
the gate had fallen on one and one was missing
clearly something had got in at them the one under the gate didnt just die from the gate falling feathers were every where then we found a trail of blood and feathers and eventually found the other torn to pieces :( so we cleared up and buried out chooks :'(
See doesnt matter what you do in this life, if that devil is on your back something will come along to spoil the good bits :( no more chooks for us, we think our neighbours dirty messy garden harbours rats and course our chicks were a great attraction and place to feed :/
and wills uncle 'chick' rhymer also passed away so another funeral there too :(
its not quite finished im to have a small op on a lump thats come up on my arm :/ its nothing much to worry about in its self but i have to have minor surgery arghhh !

SOOOO im old and fat and things still going up the shoot despite all attempts but im thinking maybe they are not quite as bad as the past 5 years and at least i can cope better with the crap thats coming or im getting toooooo damn used to it !

My new decade has still begun with some crap but it also begun with some good stuff too a lot better than previous years :)
I also become a great auntie again she didnt quite make it for mine nor my vikis birthday she popped in between the gap mine was 11th june vikis 12th june and my brother andrews is the 14th so our my new niece is the 13th my next two nieces are 15th june and katie is 18 on the 16th so still lots of celebrating to do :)

my number is almost up :/

Well count down to the big 50 is on ... now just 4 days away i hate the fact i will be saying 50's instead of 40's mainly cos i look 70 :/ so no one is gonna say 'wow no way are you 50' i will probably get those silences of how do i not offend her :( ... i will have to consider the botox thing if i get any worse i would go for surgery had i the money and inclination but for now i live with what ive got and erase all photos if i can arghhh

The pond is finally getting it edging and looking rather nice even just half done









inspector tuppence is there yet again checking wills work lol





Rain is upon us today so all work is at a halt, this may be due to the swimming pool being temporarily repaired cleaned of all the rainwater leaves, newts and frogs :/ and tuppence helped there too lol



And here is my baby lol just managed to get her before she hit the white lounge carpet :/ but she had a whale of a time :)
so now the pool is full, the sun has disappeared ... maybe i should have left it as it was and enjoyed a summer :S

Diet : errrr i stopped dieting and ive lost 4lb whoo hoo however, its probably because of the lovely weather we had until today and its been salads and light food with the added exercise of gardening and being busy so i just need to keep it up now!

Sooo June is upon us half the year gone and my me year turned out to not be a me year however ive decided it may begin Friday along with my new decade and be more than a year, time for new me time and why not for the next decade :)
Im hoping some time soon our luck will begin to get better, willy looks tired and old bless him, im getting better but not quite well enough to help out with the finances and our savings are disappearing quickly :( we need a good start im not asking for a lottery win although that would be heaven but just a normal life with some good bits in cos there has been little good bits for a long time and we need a break!

I will be and aunty and great aunty again very soon im hoping one at least may make it to friday and be born on my half century great niece is over due and i suspect waiting for that date lmao!

ITS TIME FOR GOOD THINGS! and well overdue....

6 days till the big 50 ...OMG

Doesnt 50 sound old :/ but then i guess at the moment i feel old, tired and worn down the struggle of the last 5 yrs has taken its toll and although im crawling back to the top of that long dark pit i fell in its hard and slow and i keep getting knocked im still crawling though, somedays less than others but its a day at a time thing, in the mean time life seems empty (part of the depression/pre menopause symptoms) I can now function, although im not sure its a good thing - many people think im better, that im now 'well' but im not, i can now do my daily chores and i can hear myself chattering to friends and laughing, i recognise all that i say and do but inside there is nothing, the only thing i can describe it as is like the body snatchers film ( the old original black and white) where you look like Aunt mable you sound like Aunt mable but you not Aunt mable .... i sit almost like im watching all thats going on but not participating although i can see that i am, its really weird almost ghost like. some times i want to shout hey look im here , thats not me , im here .Who is this woman ... it doesnt even look like me not the one i remember this is the new me new hair older face fatter i dont even wear the clothes i like any more because of weight gain my hair is long ive not had long hair for 20 years ? and where did all those wrinkles come from darn it!!! :/
I know there are many that cant understand ... hell, i cant ... so why should those that have never suffered.
I hate that when i laugh there is no feeling of it inside even if i find something funny, i hate my concentration levels are almost none existent :( i hate i cant get on and do things and i hate that im not me ... i was strong, fairly intelligent i always thought my brain as my asset (sadly lost it now) from being confident and even proud of myself for my accomplishments im now a dowdy miserable insecure person, my lovely slim body has left me, my will power had deserted me at the time i needed it most and im left wondering if i will get any of me back again, i think probably not so i keep trying to build a new me but so far i dont like what i have :(
The big 50 looming has made me sit and think of what i want, im just stuck on how to achieve it whilst in the messy state of menopause and depression.
As of Friday arghhh 50 hits and i want things to be different, i know its not gonna be wake up and wham all is better all has changed but i want to put in motions some things that can improve my life and maybe get a life back.
i hear lots of people say 'i hate life' oddly i dont i love it ... sounds odd coming from me doesnt it? what i hate is the life im living and i know i have to work on making that change but life its self is such a gift and here i am sat wasting mine .
Sooo my 50th is my change for life improvement, i know its gonna be slow and hard, already things have messed up my ME year so far there has been no me in this year things went wrong from the start, beginning with another funeral and on it went no work no money everything just going wrong etc... Maybe from friday things will improve ... i wont hold my breath, but its time things started to get better!Here is my bad bad baby, little tramp lol she should have been born a jack russell or some other nice hardy dog not a fluffy little fluff ball ... there she was in the mess of our pool and caught just before she landed on the lounge (white) carpet :/Have been working on the garden due to ~WONDERFUL weather ~heat wave this weekend :) we cleaned the swimming pool out (as i mentioned tuppence helped) it has some damage but i think we can skim repairs just so we have a pool while we have the weather and then do the proper repairs when we sort it out for winter. .. my pond is requiring hubby to finish it :/ just needs the edging and it will be lookign lovely the iris's have been superb this year, we have a lot of building rubbish to get rid of so skip hire is required, Will had finished the shed roof at last and most thing back in it instead of all over the garden, im just wanting thing to be tidied up and back to normal so we can sit and enjoy but sadly there is a lot of work yet to be done on the clear up side.

Well while the sun is out im off to potter and enjoy have a good weekend all wont be about next weekend im in hiding due to shock of aging omg!

Impending doom of the approaching 50th arghhh

Oh no oh nooooooo 11 days to go omg ... im officially old ! yes i know its not really that old everyone keeps saying ummm however, in kids eyes your old at 30 and ancient at 50 after that well??

I guess i wouldnt mind half as much if i didnt feel 'old' but lately i ache like never before, the extra stone ive put on is taking its toll to and boy am i feeling it. The second thing that makes it worse are all my friends (some older) and they are running round all spritely and full of energy ... im not being funny but wtf happened to me?

im constantly whining and moaning about my aches and pains and im getting on my nerves let alone anyone elses :( i wanted to see my 50th in a dress size smaller but instead im close to a size bigger :0

My friends have got me vouchers for pampering as they asked and thats what i wanted, i think they are giving me this week so i can get all the pampering done for next when its my birthday. Would like a spray tan and some of the new eyelash extensions. Botox will be required sooner or later lol kinda looking sooner, ive decided im not gonna be one to sit down and grow old gracefully i dont wanna look like my daughter but i dont wanna look like mum either just doing ok for a 50 year old would be good but im kinda sagging now, the whole body is suffering.

DIET ummm i cant do it this week, im in binge mode due to that evil monthly thing and its no good pretending im gonna be good im not gonna kid myself im trying but im not gonna beat myself up about it maybe next week i can get my head round it and begin again.

Darts night was good. we got the 3 aside win and a new huge trophy tracy got runners up in mixed pairs but that was it for winter season, summer season is starting already no break this year, im hoping i feel better by wednesday :/

Well Nothing changes does it :( ... more bad news Will went to work thursday asked where he was suposed to be working today ... well thanks mate ... yep they told him thurday night that they have nothing more for him OMG, never left any time for him to look for anything else however, thankfully hes only lost today as he contacted a few people he knew and has a start on tuesday ~(monday is bank holiday here in England) so thankfully phew, the other thing is that hes still not been paid :/ what is it with these people hes now owed 3 weeks wages hes done the work (and its no use them complaining cos hes good at his job ~ yes even i have to say that lol but dont tell him)
I would never employ anyone or have the work done unless the wages or payment was there, can you imagine if you came home after grafting all week and didnt get paid for it? well its far to common in the building game, i get more angry for Will because he works his socks off , the man never sits down anyone can tell you, personally i dont know how he does it, but also he is good at his trade i even let him build us an extension lol bless him ha ha but seriously i feel so sad for him and annoyed and of course there is the fact that we have to live, after the harsh winter our savings are severely dented, i no longer have an income as back up, so its getting harder to manage, i wonder if they are sat having a nice meal and maybe a drink or two, we do know the 'Boss' just went and bought his wife a new car yesterday for £2000.00 whilst owing my husband and some other guys money ??? Will is generally a calm person and did what i couldnt have when the 'new car' was mentioned ... he walked away, sorry but noway would i have done!!
Im glad he has work next week and looks hopeful that it will continue. The thing is the stress that comes with the worry is enormous with things already tight sadly you get idiots like that to work for who want the best job but when it comes to parting with the money they have every excuse under the sun!

Darts finals tonight and tomorrow, tonight is the play offs for those who have got through the knockouts and are playing for the league cups (win and runners up of the season) Mel never managed the last round of the knock outs but Tracy and mixed pair partner has a chance and will get runners up ... tracy mel and vikki are through to 3 aside so will have a trophy and had there not been a certain upset on our last match we may have got the pairs we only needed a point but sadly things were happening with changing venues and other rubbish and we just played badly and a certain member got drunk ~ really should have been dropped from playing :/ oh well next season starts almost immediately, there used to be a break but the knockouts have changed so we dont get one now. Apparrently i was only 2 down on getting the 100's medal for most 100's scored in the season, guess thats about my luck!
Good luck to the girls anyway~ go for it girls!!!

Well its birthdays birthdays birthdays :/ Nick was yesterday viki is on the 12th im on 11th the big 50 :/ :/ :/ ARGHHHH
there are 15 other birthdays 4 more on same day as me and 3 on my vikis birthday but almost one every other day throughout june omg!
My me year has not stood a chance sadly but maybe next year ?? ummm as it says above i live in hope !

im back :)

Im back whooo hooo finally got message from Acer they couldnt repair the pc so sent it back and ive just picked up a new one from the store (not an acer :/) Sooooooooooo good to be back up and running ...just vehicles to sort out now !

Today is my Nicks birthday hes 27 bless him he's had a day off work and has lounged around doing nothing, hes off having snow boarding lessons weekend (false snow i hasten to add)
Love my boy even though i get itchy foot syndrome from time to time but i have to remember he is a man and you know what they're like lmao!
My Viki will be 31 june 12th so day after im the big 50 arghhh
she a good girl, busy at the moment running around everywhere shes off for a weekend away for her birthday and im hoping perhaps me and will can get away but its hard with vehicle problems and money is a little sparce at the moment but at least we have the SUN ha ha yes its here in England and its been a scorcher for a few days over last weekend, had a bit cooler for 2 days and last night it rained its ok'ish day today but they say its gonna be hot for this weekend too and typically for the first time we have a good summer we have no pool because of the snow damage :( 'SNARL'
its Whitson bank holiday so long weekend the last one till August we will be working on clearing this place again, the roof of shed is now done thank goodness it just getting everything back in it im not sure how all that stuff was in there :/ im sooooo hoping it fits back lmao!
im off to catch up on my blog reading xxxx