On strike and no blogging laptop repair :(

You all get to have a little break from me , lap top is to go back (heap of shite!) :/

So i wont be around for a bit, not sure what im going to do, may be some extra gym time arghhh :(

Today didnt start well, finances are very tight (although im not really sure why but just a glitch) hoever, with wills current bad moods, things flew :/
AND IM ON STRIKE!
Wills been extremely good though out my illness, mainly because i was clearly ill and i know at one stage he was seriously worried. But i guess thats ended now.

As i had some personal shares ive paid my way (not that i thought i had to) its been there any time we've needed it, although i dont need to defend myself, ended up doing so and now im angry! . Today he pushed to far.
I dont understand why he and they, all think i need to get a job? i pay my way, always have . My money is always there, ive possibly put in more than any one. So what is the issue ? is it that im sat here while they have to earn a living, lucky me can afford not to? And course i dont look ill, ill. Just lazy i guess!

I know im now recovering and i guess to many i appear 'WELL ' but its not that easy, yes i now function, i can cope better with most daily tasks but im STILL recovering.
Sadly im not able to do all that i wish to, all that i need to :( people think im being lazy, yes i know they do. They dont even have to say, those little comments like 'pull yourself together and get moving' 'you have to try' OMG they have no idea ! no idea how much i want, how much i need to be ok again.
I yearn so much to go back in time and have my life back, I so desperately want to have ME back.
Im now able (most days) to clean the house, cook and generally do what needs to be done, some days are harder than others but i do keep trying.
I find my concentration is very poor, one of the reasons im struggling with the idea of going back to work. Getting up in the morning is soooo unbelievably hard and i often dont manage it (classic depression symptom) . I have been unfortunate to catch just about every bug going which hasnt helped.
But im NOT lazy, ive worked hard all my life, im fighting with all my strength to get through each day and just because ive managed to clean up, or put a 'brave ' cover face on things doesnt mean im ok. I so wish it did.
I wish i could swap places so they could see from my shoes, so they could understand but they wont ever know and i know they wont ever come remotely near to understanding any of it!
They dont really even want to listen, it only matters when it affects them.

I guess with will, his patients has run out. Hes at work and he like everyone else is now only seeing the mask i wear. He no longer sees the struggle i have :(
I know hes tired, its one of the reasons i want to get well, to take some of the stress off of him.
What do i do? find a job, just to sit and humiliate myself because i cant do it?
Oddly no one has ever paid me to do their washing, cook their dinners etc. even when i was working as many hours as them ?? No one did anything much whilst ive been ill, certainly did very little for me and i awoke to a mess of a house thats took months on months to catch up with no one seems to have noticed, who do they think cleared it?

As of today im on STRIKE! instead of using my money as a buffer for the bills that would not have been paid or for the luxuries we are lucky enough to indulge in, I will put in my share and that is all, what isnt paid isnt paid and will can see to any wolves that want paying, they can also do their own chores!
They can walk around in stinky clothes or wash them their selves they can go shopping for the food and then cook it cos as of today im not!

So off my lazy butt and get this hing sent off for 3rd repair :/
seems there is continually some thing no matter how i try.

Hope your days are hugely better than any i seem to get xxxx

Hope everyone had a good Easter break :)

Hope your all rested and ready for work tomorrow, hope it was a good holiday for you spent with family and friends :)

Tracy did a beautiful meal Saturday night for us, we crawled home about 2am :/ fortunately we only live one house away lol

Sunday i got a little stressed with the cooking although it all went well, the beef was a little tough and i was so glad i cooked lamb too, bit miffed cos the joint we had the previous week was lovely oh well guess it happens.
We got to meet Steve, the new boyfriend, he seems a nice enough, a lot calmer person than Neil, not that i ever blamed Neil, i knew the poor upbringing he had was almost 100% the reason he is as he is.

We had an enjoyable meal, Steve built like a honey monster :D ate heartily whilst mini mouse Viki, ate like a bird as usual.
It was sooooooo nice having all the family together, the shock of losing Neil as a family member is no longer so strange, i guess acceptance has set in, Neil made it easier for us as he moved on his self quite quickly although we did have some paddy attacks from him.
It was a lovely day, very enjoyable and relaxing.

Still even though the weekend has been generally good here comes the bad bit .... yes i say again there always is in my world :(

Sadly during the early hours of the morning i got a text from a friend, she had a domestic with the hubby and came up, we chatted for a while, i put her to bed on the sofa and finally worn out myself went to bed, i heard her leave about 8 am she had come to a decision of what she wanted to do. She called me later in the day and let me know things were ok and some issues had been sorted. Im so glad shes ok PHEW!
In saying that i am worried about her, and have been for quite some time, i hope she continues to come to me in her hours of need and not do what my daughter done and bottle it up till she could take no more.
My Viki had a few drinks and was found jumping in front of cars trying to end things :( fortunately she is ok, she did fall over and broke her 2 front teeth, she had such beautiful teeth, but its only cosmetic and although it has cost she now has some new ones.
Today you can see the change in her, shes so much happier. I hope my friend can find some peace too.

Monday ummm ive lazed, its my last day as ive now got to really hit the diet and exercise for the big 50 do i want to be this size a DEFINITE NO!
Well lets see how i get on, one thing i must do is get out of this house. Its so easy to laze and begin again tomorrow, whilst traveling several times to the fridge having just that one chocolate biscuit and at the end of the cup of tea only 3 are left from a full packed :o how does that happen, that you dont see yourself stuff it ??? auto mode, denial .....SIGH
Maybe with spring/summer arriving it will help.

so thats it for my Easter despite a small interlude most of it has been restful and good :) and more special with my family here :) :)

Easter? didnt they mean Christmas?

Hailed yesterday, yes its freezing cold and they keep forecasting snow :/ omg!
What happened to those Easters we spent at the Zoo and other days out, sunny, bright, hot days?

Although the daffodils are showing there faces, only some have braved this cold weather, frost was on the cars this morning and the wind just cuts you in half.

We had a couple of days of sunshine a few weeks ago, TRICKED in to believing that spring was here :( .... the heating is on full and i have a roaring fire, i'm thinking i need to emigrate ummm seriously, I sooooo hate the cold but not only is it freezing but its wet (or snowy) with dark grey skies, maybe i'm suffering from S.A.D, i do know the sun changes my moods so i'm definitely affected to some degree.



The bad bit of my week, yep it don't let up in my world... i'm laid up :/ my back has given up (and my neck ) to much cleaning i guess so at the moment i lay here in pain feeling sorry for myself and choking on the remaining dust i cant even manage to run from now !
Ive not been to the gym :( and although i struggled at darts last night, i did win my game. However, i suffered more today, i think i tensed up trying to over come the pain whilst playing.
Unfortunately we didnt have a team so if i hadn't gone we would have had a loss or re-arranged match but would also have to find a venue now we are homeless.
It was the last game at the star....... im glad to say!
I felt very awkward there, the pub is half stripped and empty the locals have already started to desert, it will be interesting to see how many customers he has on a wednesday night (or any other) .
Its sad because it was such a nice pub, good atmosphere and local people sharing a drink and a game of pool, darts, domino's or crib.... sad sad day to see it go!

The Good News bit ...he he rare i know but makes a change

We have a new venue for darts PHEW! a local club, that currently doesn't even have a dart board is willing to give us the venue :D but in addition they have a gym and giving us discount if we want to join making it £10 cheaper per month than the current one :D :D
The darts season hasn't ended yet but all our other games are away so we no longer need frequent the star (which hes closing any way for 2 weeks for the 'posh' refurb,) he never said bye girls or anything just acted like nothing was happening, so that's that !

Im really chuffed that we still get to do the darts its my only night out, i get to see the girls have a drink, chill from the real world, and play a friendly competition (some thing to reach for) we did well last year and are very close this year. The news of the star did put us on a downer last week and we lost every game but this week we won 5-0 whoo hoo :D

More nice news .... i know your in shock now lol

Tracy, my friend is doing a meal Saturday night, cool .... a chill night, someone else doing all the work and i just get to indulge :D

Also hubby's birthday in 2 weeks, the kids are paying for us to go away for the weekend :) i told them not to spend to much but its much needed and much appreciated. Will really needs a break as do i. I looked at holidays today but i need to get passports sorted first, and thats now costing a small fortune but some nice short breaks available (at short notice ) so soon as finances are a little more settled i will get one sorted for us :)

And .... we get to meet the boyfriend ..... Steve, I'm doing all the work Sunday lol but it will be nice to see who put the smile back on my daughters face. Shes walking with a spring in her step so maybe it was time she moved on from Neil, shes never revealed what went wrong and I've decided not to interrogate her on it, i still get a pang that we lost someone from our lives, i thought she was settled. But I'm happy that's shes happy and that's what counts!


DIET NEWS or NOT as the case maybe :/ arghh

Just been sleeping and eating. I'm normally ill when i sleep, being an insomniac when I'm well. I'm not sure why I'm sleeping like this but i am clearly eating for energy too, all the wrong stuff mainly sweet :( and time is ticking for that big birthday omg!
So, this week with Easter on its way I'm having a break from dieting and resting my weary body hoping i haven't caught anything, and now i need to rest up :/ because I've over done things and my back and neck are playing up.

Also with Tracy cooking one of her delicious meals :) its good not to have to worry about what I'm eating.


HOWEVER!!!! its back to it Tuesday all well and good with my back, i will be back to the gym too but more so, i have to get this dieting in order.
Maybe with all the illness and still recovering from depression, its not the best time but I'm getting bigger and bigger if nothing else i need to keep it in check and i would so love to be just one dress size smaller for the 5 0

Will is doing the 'finishing' bits to the kitchen units so im going to see if i can raise my aching body and see the result

HAPPY EASTER ALL xxxx

Lazy day !

Such a lazy day :S

Ive slept most of it, so hope those girls have not given me that nasty tummy bug _ no signs yet thankfully .....

So not much of anything going on today, hubby finished pipe work and put the screed floor down so most of the worst is done Hes now in a really ratty mood - over tired cos he just wont stop ! Well the electrician is required before the ceiling is plastered but there is no hurry as long as i can put the washing machine on the rest can wait for decoration.

My spring clean is at a halt, ive worn myself out, but i have done lounge, hall stairs landing, bathroom and began a bedroom oh and i did have a whip round the conservatory thankfully not so bad as the rest of the house and needed little doing, in addition ive kept up with the mass of washing cos ive washed EVERY THING! lol and wiped round the kitchen daily to keep on top of it as hubby wrecks all that i do :/ so when i tackle that it hopefully wont be to much of a killer clean!


My Viki's boyfriend comes to dinner Easter Sunday, we haven't met him yet....yes, its some time now and apparently he keeps asking when. Vik did tell me to clean the house, i told her she could do it cheeky mare ! ha ha, but as i've continually moaned about the mess (although I guess she can see its not up to my usual standard) it was said with a laugh, i know it isnt really an issue with her, although it had got untidy, mainly with washing sat waiting to be put where it belongs and ive been doing lots of paper work (well overdue.) This however,was before the dust down pour and its now been a necessity to spring clean rather than just tidy up. In reality my house can be classed as immaculate (even with dust and building work ) when i compare to many people i know, NO Im NOT a house proud woman, far from it but when well, i do clean daily, only because its soooo much easier.
Of course being ill and building work going on has taken its toll on the house.
My lounge carpet is white, was white, is back to white lol having just spent 3 days cleaning it :/
Its been hard with building work, illness and new pup but the carpet was a good one and has held its own. I cleaned it and its come up like new.

Clothes are a huge issue at the moment where on earth do i put them?, how come i have nothing to wear? Why do i have a mountain of washing every day? ... same with washing up its a relentless task, i have soooo got to go through and de-clutter!

Diet :/ ummmm
no diet today sleep eat sleep eat sleep eat etc... i do so want to lose this weight but how am i ever gonna do it when im in this sort of state?
Im still trying, one blogger i follow has just done the 146.8lbs loss, clever thing, cos its damn hard, a lot of work and effort and energy... Well done to her ! Im seriously envious and hope i can get my butt in to gear and get on time is ticking away for the big 5 0 OMG!


Well im still sleepy, i need to go to bed (again :/) this is just not me!
Ive had a good cry, its ok its because i just watched Armageddon, lovely film not a good one to watch while recovering from depression :S


have a good weekend all hope the sun shines for you all x

Depression :/ understanding ???

Depression affects a person's thoughts, outlook, and behaviour and mood they can also feel tired, irritable, with changes in appetite.

Depression can cloud everything.

The world looks bleak and the person's thoughts reflect that hopelessness and helplessness.

People with depression tend to have negative and self-critical thoughts. Despite their true value, people with depression can feel worthless and unlovable.

Significant weight loss or gain along with significant change in sleep patterns (inability to fall asleep, stay asleep, or get up in the morning)

Feelings of guilt or worthlessness aches and pains (with no known medical cause) pessimism and indifference (not caring about anything in the present or future) thoughts of death or suicide

Depressed mood or sadness most of the time (for what may seem like no reason) lack of energy and feeling tired all the time inability to enjoy things that used to bring pleasure .

Withdrawal from friends and family irritability, anger, or anxiety inability to concentrate

A feeling of having lost yourself, of not participating, a ghost like feeling.

Few people understand why some one suffering gets angry over a trivial matter. All normal sense of things are out of proportion the smallest unnoticeable thing is a huge issue to someone with depression and its a reason those not suffering can not understand.
Its more than sadness or low mood.
If you dont suffer please be patient, an exercise to help understand will to be of your worst most fearful moment and imagine it being even worse than you can think and thats what normal everyday things are like for a depressive person.

Having a good catch up with bloggers

I feel so envious of those bloggers that have such cool sites, many that i visit im just struck with awe and wishing i could make mine so interesting.
My blog started after seeing a friend write her journey and i thought it might help me... which it has...

Its been my own diary, allowing myself to vent, scream, be miserable, cry, laugh and all sorts for what ive needed as i fight depression and the crap my life has in it at the moment.All though my fight goes on daily, i am improving and with each day of improvement, i find with reading the blogs i follow that they helped me and i would like to have my blog do the same for others.
I would like more now than just my own diary, so watch this space!

Sad news of the day cos its everyday in my world :( as many know!

The Landlord is renovating the pub to a 'posh' restaurant (think i said in last blog) It may mean the end of our darts team after all this time.
Darts helped me through the worst of my life, being with the girls a night out and friendly competition took me away (some times) from the reality of the trauma i was going through. Its been some thing ive loved to do, and im quite good at and of course the girls, we laugh and chat and support each other, get drunk and fall in hedges once in a while. Its a sad time i hope we can find another home but its not likely at the moment ....Thanks Richard i hope throwing away all that you had doesnt come back to bite you ... although some times i hope it does (mean thought :S not really meant but....)


Oh and yes that horrible thing the big 5 0 is looming nearer.



People are sneaking about re what to get me and do for me :/ i would be quite happy to hide in the corner of the shed and pretend its not happened. I hope they realise im not ready for parties i really dont think i could do something like that omg! NOTE tell kids to make sure no one does that!!


Good news :) thats a newby lol
Well im not under the weather although that friend of mine has a tummy bug and one of the other girls has it now :/ ive told them to stay away from me.
Im almost done de-dusting and breathing has improved.
Spring is here i have daffodil's showing their little faces :) in full bloom bright and sunny yellow, warmth and sunshine to catch up !

Ive Enjoyed a day reading others blogs some sad some inspiring all of them very good (thats why im following i guess) but its time to go back and get on with the de-dust. My allergy is main reason but it also complies with my daughters request to tidy my house before she allows the new boyfriend to come over and meet us ummm! take us as he finds us is what i told her, but she is right its time to clear and clean now where is she i need help!

Tea time before the 1st bedroom is tackled :)

Raining again in more ways than one

Umm sun didnt last long, so its raining again :(

It dont rain but it pours and im a true example :/ the latest is we will have no darts team, our lovely local has cast us out to become a posh restaurant clone of all the others sad day!
There are few options if any left but we are looking, Land lord has not said anything to us just to our captain, no sorry girls after i begged you to come play for me im gonna kick you out! we had other options available then and turned them down to be with him now they are not longer available and hes kindly got rid of us, how a little money changes people.

Diet omg i dont know what to do nothing seems to work ive been so good :(
on putting my stats in the new web site my cals seem to be on the lower side 1200-1500 but the fat content is high and this is clearly my nemisis, im gonna have a break over Easter and then sort some thing out re the fat content of my food, i think this is where i need to put my efforts if that dont work :/ im not sure what i can do im getting to desperate nothing works stage - oh dear !