Worried about my vik various things and my nick is off to live in mexico - i know it will be good for him after his accident he kinda stopped living and this will be good for him but im sad :( i dont want him to go i dont want to miss his life but i know he needs to do this
WHAT A SHIT LIFE - dont get me wrong i love living - some one said you create your own fate - how the hell can you stop people form dying and stop yourself from greiving for them? I've had this for 6 long long years i thought the ultimate being my mum, that would be the end of it but no - 2 more funerals ffs!!! is is going to end??? i guess not people, loved ones are always going to die but so many ???? so soon??? i expected in my 60's to start losing people but 50's ?? maybe a few but not this many but its not only losing all those loved ones - everything has been horrible - money, work, illness, cars , household things every thing is wrong or going wrong - THIS JUST CAN NOT GO ON really now - Some one said God tests us but i dont think he does, if he loves us hes not going to let any one of us put up with the shit that goes on, on this earth but the devil on the other hand would throw all he can at us leaving God and us to clear up the mess
God wouldnt be so cruel would he?? is that what he is some one to test us by letting us go though this??
No i dont believe its God - the devil is on my back and digging his claws in God has been around and helped when i needed him most, my son is still alive after 5 1/2 hours fighting for his life - I asked God to take me instead but that i would rather have my son and be here for him too and my prayer was answered.
I know im lucky to some people on this earth, i do know! but we all live in our own bubbles and my bubble has been full of heartache and pain, i often wonder what i did wrong? what went wrong? i have never asked for much just an easy life i dont know why i deserve to keep having this pain, for it to be going on for so long and the only future i see is more of it :(
I LIVE IN HOPE - almost a joke in itself so im removing it from my title HOPE was suposed to be there among all the ugly horrible crap, i tried hoping but its not there nowhere to be seen :(
Well there is my doom and gloom for the session - i feel sick to the stomach and fed up as per usual
Many come here and read my depressing blog but i have few followers due to its content and even they dont really bother i dont blame them shying away finding it distasteful spoiling their days reading sadness hurt and pain well they are only reading it im living it ! i dont shy away when they have a bad day i try to support and help but i have few that stand with me and even they cant cope with this WELL NEITHER CAN I but i dont get to turn the page :(
Dont Judge me - you dont know me - you dont have this hurt and pain you dont live with depression that has made you so ill you couldnt function - and i dont want you to know it this blog is for me, maybe once in a while someone with depression or with greiving or with such pain and bad luck, passing through will read that they are not alone and maybe that thought will help them through cos if i can do it so can they!
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