Well bit of a horrible day again just thought i was over bug but seems not quite although feeling better in myself generallly at least.

Had lots to do today didnt get anything done now sat here bored its been a long night getting dark at 5pm now :S not good, feel im stuck in these 4 walls at mo and they wont let me out lol.
THE room is painted so hopefully hopefully lol the floor will go down tomorrow
whooo hoo at last can start to clear up yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! just need the energy now to do the clear up pmsl :D

Not happy with my weight have put on another 2lbs i was thinking i would have lost lots by now how sick ive been instead ive put on a total of 5lbs what is that all about ??? im back at gym now and will be attempting it again tomorrow bit of a killer as ive not been for a while cos of sicky bug but managed more than i thought i would yesterday. need to get eating sorted once i can eat properly again thinking maybe cos ive hardly eaten my body may be storing at least i hope its that and when i start eating again all this weight will just fall off me :S well miracles do happen dont then lmao!!!
well gonna watch csi then may look at early night yes 12am is very very early for me but i will prob be up at 4am however im feeling a little drained so may sleep through and get some proper rest one thing about me being ill i do sleep and usually i know im ill before it happens cos i get so sleepy .... anyway hope everyone has a good night xxx

A fairly good day whoo, was little worried after eating lunch (slightly green at the gills) but been to gym and over all was a good day. Chuffed i ended my curse of losing my darts games new season started with a win from me :) good alround night.
Quite a nice sunny day today and mild to late now its freeeeeeezing :S

Shopping tomorrow need some food now nicks home and eating everything lol also getting more paint the room is almost almost done one last coat and floor will def be going down thank goodness can get on with the rest of the house then only one wall of building work to do then we are clear the rest is just decorating and maybe we will get that long overdue needed holiday :)
My friend deliska has just had her op and it seems all went well and shes doing good it was her blog that made me want to write down my thoughts and its helped me so much i know i often sound down but really im on my way up and im fighting as much i can to be well again im not there yet but im working on it :) i hope some of you out there can see that you can come out of the darkness, it does take time and a tremendous effort but if i can do it from the place ive just been so can you xxx

Ha at last feeling a bit better sicky bug passing ~(i hope) New season (winter) darts and i broke my losing curse and won my game we drew the singles and won the pairs so won overall whoo hoo.
Im off to do shopping now while i feel fit enough lol and then back to gym later im also trying to diet you would think, wouldnt you, sick as i was, that i would have lost weight but nooooooooooooooooo ive put on 3lbs last time i had sicky bug i put on 3lbs too :( i can only think this is down to not eating so body goes into storage mode plus no exercise but her i go again im gonna have a go at the slimfast meal replacement for 2 days a week to see if that helps i have a diet for energy boosting foods ive checked them out and should be good for dieting too so 2 way benefit (ummm heres hoping again) :D

Nick home from Aussie :D :D ( i was sick at airport :( :( .... omg) glad hes home :)

Hes not well full of cold /flu (keep away from me sweetie :/ arghh ) good to have him home :)






looks like he had a real good time but for being ill like his ma awwww bless him


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Been a bad week been sick again who would believe !!!! im so annoyed i had a lovely spa day and next day back to sickness :( finals night was spoilt for me as i was still iffy

not been a good day at all lazed about feeling down think its cos im sick again (well hope its that~) im so upset cant believe i have it again grrr ruined my evening for darts finals night :( and today got very little done ... i did make a roasty dinner but only had a very small plate myself so worried about eating now grrrr im soooooooooooo annoyed and tired :(

Bit of a bland week :( bored and unable to motivate myself for any thing not done the gym :( :( and i really need to keep on top of the fitness thing otherwise i will be like that very extra large lady on tv just sitting in bed for the rest of my life ,sadly i can see that in my future at the moment, i have to get moving but its really hard. I really have lost some thing in my life the dreams to strive for some thing ive lost the want and need i cant find anything there is no feeling any more and its horrible :( I keep trying but i cant get any routine back in my life every thing i do is such an effort, i cant explain how hard it is even to just go make myself a cup of tea, im tired and fed up with this it seems ive come out of the black hole and there is nothing here for me, its like a writer with writers block i have a blank page and cant put anything on it, but its my life all i have is a void.
I hope things will improve, time is flying by arghh ive looked in the mirror, feel like ive been asleep for 10yrs and just woke up old :( Even the things i love to do are on hold. Think i need to go off and scream for a bit and i dont even have the energy or will power to do that, sat here typing is an effort in its self ................ omg how morbid is this post but this is why im writing i guess to put this out so others can see we are all struggling some in different ways others may be like me. Im hoping things will improve and still trying to find anything that may help me get that ummmph back in my life, a reason to live maybe cos at the moment im just drifting along in a kind of limbo i can see and hear myself but feel like im watching and not really part of it almost ghostly, others say glad you better cos im clearly projecting a 'normal' image of myself and i can see that i am but i cant feel that i am almost like watching a film of yourself i suppose.
Well .. whats today bringing just having a bacon sarnie -diet out of the window again lol what diet he he ~ i need to paint the bedroom but its just not gonna happen today, for now i may just take a nap and see if the latter part of the day is better, i do need to rest my back bit niggly from painting yesterday and im definately gyming tomorrow my friend tells me ! ha

Well, :( things not good today been a tired day and I've done very little when really I needed to get on. Even worse I weighed myself today omg how much bad new can one take :( I really have to sort this before its to far out of my control.
Im looking to start a diet from tomorrow, I need to drink a lot more water my skin is suffering from the effects of bad diet and illness and a good healthy eating plan I'm hoping will help me too. Im hoping I find some energy tomorrow to start getting my self in some sort of order I've already let things slip to far I swear I've aged 10 yrs :( :( trouble is with depression you stop seeing your self you dont look after yourself some times you dont even get to brush your hair certainly you dont iron your clothes one crumpled mess. There isnt anything you can do about it during depression nothing matters and you matter least of all, I look in the mirror and it seems like Ive started to waken from a long sleep and missed how old I got. But instead of starting the job of repair and catch up for the lost time, Im left in this grey area, left in some kind of limbo needing to move on but stuck here numb and empty. Now and then there is a want to move forward but an invisible barrier is there preventing me and I dont know how to get over it. I'm not sure its much better than the dark place I've come from, sat here wanting to be 'normal' wanting to get on and live my life but some how trapped, now aware of all thats going on around me but not able to be part of it.
As you can see its a down day, its difficult to explain to people, that you are here going through the motions, laugh without laughing inside, cry without the hurt, I can hear myself and see myself but its almost like Im watching all thats going on ghost like, most days I try to ignore it but on a day like today its so hard to sit knowing my life is disappearing and all I can do is sit here and watch it go.:(

9th oct Ummmm sorry not been about for a while .... much of same old same old still catching anything thats going around but thank goodness other than general aches, my back is better (and thanks to a cart wheel lol)

Ive not been winning at darts :( playing well just seem to have lost something there (along with everything else) Im sad about it. I love the game but its got to the stage I feel like giving up. Its almost been worse cos Ive played well and should have won :( :( we came from bottom of league up to 3rd so not so bad well done to the girls.

Had a good week tired but fairly well in myself, went to see Colin Fry and TJ Higgs Best of British Mediums Tuesday (was better that previous bloke we saw ) couple of funny moments quite entertaining, was last minute booking but was partly for Tracy's birthday I knew she was interested in seeing a medium may look at a one to one for her.

Last night hubby and I went to see the Billy Fury story, our Viki paid for tickets for all the work we did on Liams room. The music was brilliant I must say the Billy Fury (Colin Gold) imitator was excellent he played with the original Fury Tornadoes ....think we were the youngest there lol although hubby did blend in better than myself pmsl!

My friend sold his house and is going :( cant do anything but live with it, maybe he will keep in touch but its really not likely I think I must be coming to terms with it even though it really saddens me :'(

Still working on the dreaded bedroom hubby been working every hour as usual and trying to get on here to, we are plastered all but one small bit and painting in the next few days I hope, then we can do floor and skirting electrician to 2nd fix and we are sorted whoo hoo about time is all I can say! Nicks in Australia only have next week but its unlikely it will be done for his return which was our intentions but it certainly wont be to much longer before we can transfer him and then we can finish the rest of the house mainly decorating (do have one more wall to alter) I will soon have a normal house errr yes I did use the word normal ha ha but it will be good to have it all done such a relief!

Im trying to get my white carpet to look reasonable, its taken such a beating with all the building work and a new puppy but I think its bitten the dust now, its just not looking very good at all, one last scrub at it tomorrow and it will have to stay as it is until we look at new :S ahhh well not many carpets would have done so well and it is white too, I must admit I was thinking we would be getting rid of it much sooner but its done its job for us and more so.

Gym tomorrow still trying ...diet not happening but Ive decided to wait till I can get my head round it a little better, just keeping up exercise with my friend Tracy, I cant say I like it but I generally feel better when Ive done it so can only be a good thing even if the body isnt showing much in results yet lol! Tracy has lost a stone in weight (14lbs ) so well done her my friend Mel is back on the lite a life diet she lost 5 1/2 stones but put 4 back on (she did have gall stones removed and was poorly during the weight gain) shes been back on it 3 weeks and has lost 2 stone again. I would so love to lose that would be quite happy but im just yo yo ing on 3-4lbs up and down up and down grrrr!

Tracy and I had our tarot read just before darts Wednesday was quite good had to smile, my first card said I was finding I was lacking in something in my life, lacking in some feelings, that I was feeling I had lost something and was struggling to get it back ummmm what can I say to that ? ! Other cards were pretty interesting too I had the year layout so lets see how they come out Im not a believer but keep an open mind and it interests me to see how accurate they can be.... will let you know !
Well thats about it at mo ... trying everyday to stay with it, one day at a time is best I can do and Im holding some where in the grey area which is better than where I was but not really so good. Concentration is low but will make more effort to write here it does help to write things out ... have a good week all :)