liam

liam
my grandson the yoda lol

Sunday 27 February 2011

Waiting for the bad things to end !

I start work tomorrow i will be glad to get some routine - its a 3 month contract at same place as last time :
The new week isnt the end of the past bad week Joans funeral is Thursday and we are sitll having to fight for vikis car to be released costing more money than we can afford!
Next week or possible week after we have Daves funeral - tracy is trying to get it so her brother can attend, he now lives in australia tickets are £2000 and he will only have friday to monday so its necessary to make sure things are set up for him to come home say goodbye to his dad and fly home.
The weeks to come are also gonna be filled with dispair and sadness for tracy, and im sure to join in as its a loss to me and my family too :( Hes a huge loss and will be greatly missed


Despite trying to sort through the bad things this week and over the next few weeks, im hoping things will improve for all of us 
Im so sad for my viki, she was so happy last week but we will sort it out, its only material things although stressful and has made us unhappy - but we will be happy again, she will be happy again.
The times ahead are gonna be hard, even the material things the problems that its caused, i have to keep that little bit of hope alive that these bad things are gonna end, that some time soon there will be good times to remember - 6 yrs is a long time to go on hoping with little to help keep hope alive :( 


The diet -  course its out the window and i was just doing so well  i lost another 2lbs so thats the horrible 6lbs gone that i put on whilst ill over christmas. 
Maybe being back at work will help me, with new routine maybe i can concentrate on other things and the sadness could be pushed aside with focus on some thing else

So whats next 
Who knows??
I want willy to have a holiday hes sooooo tired maybe me working will help. I may look at postponing the boston trip to meet my Yoville pals - Ziva is unwell but recovering, Cindy is just recovering from a collapsed lung and she has financial commitments although she wouldnt really be affected as she wont have to travel like the rest of us, Rita has her parents unwell and is having to travel 4hours a day to look after them, and Brenda's mother is seriously unwell too :(  - thing is when do things improve for us to say hey we can meet with out anyone of us having such problems that seem to be hitting all of us ??

Art exhibition i only sold a few paintings but made a little money, first time ive not sold most of them - Will and i walked round early so nothing had been sold by the time we left, we usually get the late tickets and i get to see when they are purchased the preview evening but this time i have no idea when they sold.
Collette the Orgainiser is leaving and im sad about that :( i met her replacement stuart, im hoping he will chase me as she always did cos im so useless :S
Hoping this next one i will have more time and get off my butt and get on with things instead of staring into air letting my life flit by !

Well bed calls early start tomorrow, im sure my next few blogs will be filled as usual with doom and gloom but im hoping and praying that things will improve - pandoras box had hope in there somewhere and im hoping it shines on me soon - im not sure how much more i can  manage with out a little glimmer of things getting better :( 




more bad news :( In memory of DAVE HILLMAN

RIP DAVE HILLMAN - will be missed always :(
Wednesday i found out that dave had died :( Big Dave is my best friends dad - a person we thought would be around forever - It still doenst seem real that hes gone 

He was to go in for tests tuesday but when tracy went to pick him up he wasnt able to get out of bed and was so unwell an ambulance was called .. they thought he had a liver blockage and all the feed back was positive and dave was generally ok ish so tracy came home ... he took a turn for the worse in the night, tracy got to the hospital in time to be with him in his last hours :(

So another funeral - Ive known dave since i was a child, grew up with his daughter, he was a character and a half will be greatly missed, its upsetting writing this but i need to put it down here and let some of this pain from my heart.
He loved life, his family and mine doting on my grandson liam :- it just seem so wrong :'(

Im gonna post some photos of our holidays with dave , i want to remember these special happy days not the sadness and sudden shock 



Dave giving our liam a hand swimming

Ouch dave :s
Dave in Aussie at his boys house

Liam with daves grandson craig dave keeping an eye on them two naughty boys
Dave and Will chillin in Turkey


Dave with grandaughter in Australia
RIP DAVE HILLMAN

Tuesday 22 February 2011

need to change my blog title !

I have a confession - I lied ... not intentionally, but my blog title is incorrect 
It seems things just are never gonna get better :( you cant make your own fate or destiny - others interfere with your plans.
You do every thing to be right, good, correct, lawful etc etc..
but some idiot just throws a spanner in the pipe line and totally F**Ks things up and you cant do anything about it, you cant change what they did - you cant salvage anything and say well at least this happened its not as bad as it could have been because even if it could be worse, its to late - the damage is done :( your already effected, hurt, injured or even just made miserable .

Whats happened .... 
My viks lovely new car has been impounded .. she did every thing right. got it insured so we could pick it up on getting her documents she got the vehicle tax so all nice and legal enjoying her new car. Its taken all her money and she has a small loan to pay out of her small income but its manageable, but could it just go smoothly like that NO course not!
Tonight she was pulled over by the police she had pulled into a parking space so knew it wasnt speeding, knew nothing wrong with vehicle and quite frankly got out of car quite puzzled. 
Police pulled her over as having no insurance - The *"*&"~(*!**$!*!&%!£+! insurance company only put the wrong no. plate details on the insurance (viki never noticed the error on the insurance document) so they have now impounded her car which will cost £150  - also the postoffice (once again) never noticed the discrepancy on the insurance documents and gave her vehicle tax they shouldnt have taxed her, had they done their jobs correctly she would have realised but no they are by law not allowed to give a tax disc without the correct documents!
It hasnt stopped there though, like the heap of crap just unloaded on her there had to be a bit more, when looking for her driving licence the DVLA only show her as having a provisional licence??? WTF??? she passed when she was 18 shes now 31!!! 
if she doenst produce in 7 days she will have to sit a new test ... and guess what she cant find her licence omfg!!
I just feel sick to the stomach and soooooooo worried about my vik :( 
she may have to go to court for driving with no insurance which is a major offence, although its the fault of the insurers (she gave them correct details) she is responsible for checking the documents to be right - however in her favour is the fact the postoffice missed it too so maybe they will take that into account.
I have had problems with Nick and had to give him a severe telling off, ive been worried about him for some time but he needed to be pulled up about his behaviour. Im hoping it will have made him sit and think !
Im worried about hubby - he looks so tired and old working every hour to catch up on the winter, i need to help him! 
Worried about tuppence shes not to well, she has bad time with seasons, i need to have her spayed but shes not taken well to her previous injections and paps apparently dont do well under anathetic so really concerned but need her done for her well being :S
I have a funeral next week to attend :( I hope this is the last 


I sooooooo need things to change, i cant see hope at the bottom of this pandoras box of mine, seems to be no light, no let up


Well i guess we will deal with this crap as it comes back to us and sort things i hope my viki is ok bless her shes so upset and was sooooooo  happy first time in a long time now this ! all because of some knobs that cant do their jobs Grrrrrrrr
We will see it through together 
Guess i will be looking to start my new year again, again :S heres hoping things get better but sadly hope is gettting harder to find :'(

Sunday 20 February 2011

Will things be getting better???

RIP Joan Bunce :/
Another funeral to attend Joan a full of life bubbly woman family friend died yesterday :( I had hoped Ali dying at Christmas and the New Year funeral would be the last for this year but as things have gone on i could see that this year wasnt a great deal better than the rest.
Ali died and we saw the New Year in once again with a funeral 
Nick ditched his car and thankfully was ok but the car wrote off 
Viki had a house fire and once again thankfully she and liam are safe
Work has been short for will although things appear to be picking up despite these  hard times fingers crossed peeps we cant manage any more loss of earnings things are getting real tight!
I was supposed to go back to work but instead they lost the contract and those i worked with face redundancy however, i was suposed to go for 3 months to help with the clear up but after telling me ive since  heard nothing and really could do with a second income to  help will with our finances, let the pressure off of him for a bit.
I was ill for 6 weeks with the flu - all over Christmas and now pmt every 2 weeks 'darn menopause grrrr' 
Mum is still suffering but i think thats how it is from now on and i cant see her till im well
So this year its not a good start Joan now passing away has knocked me again that this year will be the usual struggle but im hoping things will improve....
worried about nick that hes not moving on in life 
concerned about viki now shes free and single - just that shes over doing the thing just a little to much on the wild side but as long as shes happy 
tuppence needs to be spayed but worried cos shes so delicate but shes having a bad season once again :/
worried about the strain on will, hes tired and needs a rest but finances wont let him yet
worried about Liams teenage attitude i  hope it goes as he gets older :S
Car went wrong £800 bill :( just when we almost caught up with the winter weather
Lost my camera - and lost my photos from phone it uploaded and deleted and ive lost them all :(
Lost of work lost re snow = no income :(
My broken heart wont mend but im living with it and coping a little better - some hurts wont ever go away and i haven't felt time heal but im learning to manage the pain of loss


Well are things getting better ???


Im feeling better in myself - a fight against the lows of the flu but in mind if not in body feeling im still clinging on to the top of that pit albeit by my finger nails lol
My kids are safe and well
We  had a really good peaceful happy Christmas despite things
Viki has a new car old one out of the way (just hope the paying for it isn't to much)
Nick is off to Mexico for a month i hope his dreams come true and he finds what hes looking for
Will is 50 this year so need to sort a break out for him
Im supposed to be going to Boston hoping its still on 
My car is sorted 
Will has his new truck (hoping mot goes through ok)
Art Exhibition shortly hoping i sell a few 


My friend Deliska is getting married :D wish i could be there but shes in Canada i so hope she has a lovely day and shes lost 100+lbs (cant remember exact) but its loads and she looks fantastic
My blogger friend Jo  has moved home and im hoping its a new begining for her too


Diet whoooo
well ive held on my 4lb loss little glitches of a lb (was pmt so hoping its that) but this weekend ive done quite well i think and weigh tomorrow with more hope!
I need to get off my bum pmt once again wiped me out just as i was getting on -and weather is yukky nasty wet cold and grey :(
Im still working on it my fight has not ended i soooooooooooo want to be thinner !
I read a friend bloggers site and was linked to a friend of hers who says shes not starting again and i can see why shes has acheived a huge amount - i however, have not so each day i start again until i acheive something (re weight) each downfall i begin again thats how it has to be at the moment!


Tomorrow ....
well thats another day ... i have a funeral to go to some time soon (arrangements not made yet) 
I need to keep thinking that my year hasnt been wrote off because of more crap :(
I need to stay positive despite the sadness and disappointments that keep sneaking up on me and look at things having got better
The nasties do seem to have eased off although many they are not is such abundance and im so hoping that having had the worst of pandoras box its now time that the light shines for me and my family and that light will keep shining bright and strong ! 
Its our turn now for things to get better !!!!

























Its a sunny day in England

Ohhhh we are having some nice sunny days just a few inbetween our usual dull grey rainy skies but what a treat - still brrrrrrr cold although tuesday when i went for my long walk with friend vikki it was very nice with only a slight chill

Sunday 13 February 2011

Hey i feel well :D :D

Monday this week I, for the first time felt well whooo hooo tuesday was a good day too!
Monday i felt almost normal, i did the shopping did the house work , i even cleaned the windows inside and out and was feeling generally good about it , That weakness seemed to have disappeared along with the tiredness. 
Tuesday i woke with that same feeling of general wellness i walked with my friend vikki to a pub down the pheonix trail quite a walk we had  a yummy lunch and strolled home, when i got there tuppence looked at me longingly and i felt guilty that i had been unable to take her with us and give her the much needed walk she required so i took her off down the park where i let her do all the running and i enjoyed the lovely day that we had YES! we had sunshine and although a slight chill wind it was a real nice day. 
I cooked dinner and conked out about 10am  - sadly Wednesday wasnt to be so good i woke up 4.30am tired, i kinda thought maybe i over did things as i had felt so 'normal' i almost forgot how ill i had been and how weak, so Monday was a huge suprise and i was sooooo thankful for it.

By thursday i was tired, however ive not had the weakness overcome me, im not strong and tiredness hasnt helped but the flu having left me so unbelieveably weak had begun to worry me as i wasnt improving at all. 
Friday i went out with my friends to lunch and had to come home to sleep. My eyes couldnt stay open yet i laid there awake tossing and turning. I had a weepy moment or two but rallied and didnt let it get the better of me, believing that it was the tiredness.


My viki and i went and looked at a car Saturday took most the day to get there and back, viki decided to buy, i think for the price and all things taken in to account its gonna be one of the better ones available.  Saturday night went to vikkis house for drinks with friends and got home late, today ive lazed at about 3pm i decided i needed to move and did a little house work and started a rather yummy (even if i do say myself lol) roast dinner.
Im feeling extremely lazy, sleepy but at least with an underlying normality in my strength building.


I posted today on facebook that it was my day to tell those i love that i love them and did so. I had this horrible feeling i needed to .... just in case :S but also that it was long overdue! Think everyone thought i was drunk :/ maybe a little tiddly but it didnt influence what i wanted to say, it was something i had been wanting to do and last night seemed the time to do it.




This is the car we found its a 'convertible' we were almost put off with the red soft top but in real life it does'nt seem half as bad . Its very clean just hoping everything else is in place too, im pleased for her and shes well excited as is liam who hasnt seen it yet. We are to travel back down tomorrow to pick it up.


DIET
Well, im trying is all i can say :( im getting bit better but struggling. Im really unhappy as yesterday i put on my always, always loose jeans (even at my biggest) only to find them fitted and tight and i was so sad to have got bigger again instead of losing - im bit miffed as to know what to do .. but i fight on !

Thats pretty much it for today - not to bad a blog ha ha :D guess that well being is begining to show its definately not quite so miserable as the previous ones ... fingers crossed peeps i just wanna be on the up!




Monday 7 February 2011

Every or any day is a good day to begin again

Yes - im begining again, the fight goes on!
I keep starting again, i have to.
Im looking to start again from each time i cant cope every time i have crap pull me down.
Im clawing on to the edge of that dark pit and im doing every thing i can not to go down there again.
Flu hit me big time and left me with that low feeling then the usual bad luck heap of crap hit me too 
Ive vented and screamed on here and its given me an out let - i let out the nasties and im left with thoughts of how i can move on.

TODAYS been a good day!

I got up after a slow start, ive cleaned the windows, carpet, kichen, washed the dog :) cleaned the conservatory, mopped, dusted, washed and dried the laundry and other bits, ive not had the afternoon nap nor the early evening one and im not particularly tired for the first time in 9 weeks
RELIEF big big time!!!
Feeling more positive for feeling better - the crap is still having to be worked out but feeling healthier has helped - i still have that sick worried feeling inside but remain hopeful that its dealt with and no more will hit us, well at least for a while.

Diet - umm as ive been busy its been a good diet day 
Tomorrow i go for a walk with my friend Vikki and maybe i will do a few spurts of jogging not to much im not gonna over do it, its just the start of getting healthier fitter and losing this fat !
I know i have to build up slowly im still weak but on the up, really pleased with how ive been today 
Decided not to put the nasties down today ive ranted about them enough
im looking for the good-ish things 
I feel better 
not so tired
not sleeping most the day
got a lot done 
clean house clean mind - feng shui lol
car is being sorted and money to pay for it is here (although it leaves us rather skint )
I have a lovely family 
The nutters :D

I have a beautiful (although not quite finished ) :D home 
My husband works so hard, its almost unbelieveable i hope one day soon we get to have a proper holiday and sleep and rest and soak up the sun 

Sunday 6 February 2011

you just cant keep hoping !

Beam me up scottie :/

How do you keep trying and hoping when everything you do just knocks you down and kicks you while your there?
I keep begining again i keep trying and what do i get for it ?
Yes im in my usual low flu has knocked me for six, im sleeping forever at the moment im so tired and weak i cant describe.
Today my cars gone in for repair, or possibly new engine costing a small fortune with money we dont have to spare :(
Rowed with the hubby as i do have a 12k beautiful merc sat out side rotting GRRRRRRR it keeps being put aside and once again the money has to go else where

My art show is pending (24th feb) and one of my canvas has spoiled dont know if i can finish in time :( im really concerned now plus i dont have a damn car!!!!
 

Ive not heard from work after the promise of starting so im looking for some thing else (part time) although at the moment i would be glad to get off the sofa for more than half hour without conking out!
DIET ha ha ha - im working on it - im trying to build my strength and in turn eat decent food to help get my energy back - i have lost 4lbs i think probably more by default than by design.
i need to get this weight off to help with the energy and fitness side but i need the energy and fitness to lose the weight CATCH 22 :/ 

Been to docs nothing to be done with flu course not what can they do ? thats why ive not bothered dragging myself down there people keep saying go to docs well i did and im no better off - well actually thats not true im worse off  ha ha yes course i am - why ? well i had a cyst come up infected nasty ewwww yuk one ive been put on antibiotics which 'could' cause nausea and mild upset stomach well nothing mild about what i had (im assuming cos im not up to scratch yet its hit me ) felt sick for 3 days now and sat on loo for most of it too :( (no i lost the 4lbs before the tablets lol)
cyst burst after getting back from docs :S :S :S but unlike last time where it shot out clean and cleared up this has oozed and gone nasty it stings and i feel like crap to so yes i have to laugh cos if i cry i definately wont stop :'(
 


Im kinda thinking this blog should be named 'things just keep getting worse'
GIVE ME A BREAK - this isnt being tested this is just being tortured :'(
What did i do that deserved all this unending crap ??


Im sooooooooooo tired soooooooo fed up and i dont know i can do this for much longer, i just dont have anything left  - im drained dry 
5 yrs of my life just disappeared im 50 and its all just passing me by.  I know we all have problems and im willing to deal with them as they come but come on this is ridiculous!! no one and i mean no one can keep this up without feeling down and i was already at the bottom. I just want a rest, no worry for just a bit i want to be well and then if i still have this crap to put up with it at least i have a fighting chance instead of being kicked in the teeth time and time again while im down
AND damn scottie still hasnt beamed me up!!


Dont worry peeps im venting - i need to SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAM  


I was starting feb off as my new year start (again) but as above more crap more headaches im just very tired and wiped out  so im off to conk out again 
Hey who knows i will prob start my new year again next blog -things can only get better?  well it needs to be soon !







My fluffy tuppence

My fluffy tuppence

tuppence

tuppence