I'm still trying ....
Although i plod on at least im plodding, as per my last morose post things are not looking so good at the moment HEY whats new ???
But im working on things and clinging to the edge of that dark pit with all that i have cos i dont think i could make that climb a second time .
Im not at the top yet (clear to see from my blogs :/) but im working hard to at least stay where ive got
The usual 'minor' things are still going wrong :/ but im trying to look at whats ok sadly not much,
i need a break, but with things as they are its not going to be forth coming.
There is so much i need to get on with but the after effects of flu have left it difficult to get on
I have only 20 days for my art exhibit and 2 paintings to complete :( omg omg!!
Diet?? well ummmmmm arghhhh errrrrrrrrrrr
i did 2 good days (no scale positives though) today is not so good so far but im sooooo tired so that may be why, with having begun to feel better ive got off my bum and tried to do some bits but i think i may have done a bit to much bit to soon :/
I am sleeping huge amounts so know im not right yet, i sleep when ill and insomniac when well .
It feels im wasting my life away sat here, whilst turning into an elephant.
My 'boss' phoned me about work and is trying to get me back (contracted work) im glad its not started in one way but i need the work and i think the routine of work will help me out of this
liam
my grandson the yoda lol
Thursday 27 January 2011
Tuesday 25 January 2011
Bleak times ahead ???
Well finances are getting bleak : work is low for hubby mine is non existant at the moment (hoping my contract re starts but who knows - do i look for some thing else?) weather is not going to help snow is forcast again - i dont know what we will do if that hits us again :(
Im getting over the flu so one thing improving but now have a breathing problem - i dont know if its the flu residue, or panic breathing or even an allergy i really cant be doing with being ill any longer!
Im quite concerned about things all round at them moment :/
SO is there any thing to look forward to - im hoping spring comes soon along with regular work for both of us but its hard to look onwards at the moment .
Health needs to improve - diet has begun from monday but today is the first day i feel im struggling :/
took tups for a walk did a tiny bit of jogging but it wiped me out and i slept the afternoon (however this stopped me fridge picking)
My sleeping pattern is shot to bits
Come on come on need to get things going - i cant be like this another year we need help a miracle wouldnt go a miss - lottery win ? we need a holiday AND a break from this continuous depressing onslaught of misery !
well its another venting blog so keep it brief and go start my day having been up all night .. here we go facing another day...
Im getting over the flu so one thing improving but now have a breathing problem - i dont know if its the flu residue, or panic breathing or even an allergy i really cant be doing with being ill any longer!
Im quite concerned about things all round at them moment :/
SO is there any thing to look forward to - im hoping spring comes soon along with regular work for both of us but its hard to look onwards at the moment .
Health needs to improve - diet has begun from monday but today is the first day i feel im struggling :/
took tups for a walk did a tiny bit of jogging but it wiped me out and i slept the afternoon (however this stopped me fridge picking)
My sleeping pattern is shot to bits
Come on come on need to get things going - i cant be like this another year we need help a miracle wouldnt go a miss - lottery win ? we need a holiday AND a break from this continuous depressing onslaught of misery !
well its another venting blog so keep it brief and go start my day having been up all night .. here we go facing another day...
Saturday 15 January 2011
so my new years not started yet :/
Quicky post...
I cant start my new year until all this crap is out of the way - flu is just about deciding to leave me, thankfully , at last - however (there always is one :( isnt there) i had stomach bug today, gastroenteritis is going about apparently i sooooooooooo soooooooooooo soooooooooo hope no-one has given me that :(
Still weak but at least moving about , which is just as well - i posted on fb that i hoped to be well soon to start enjoying the fact im not working and about 2mins later the phone rang ?? yep you guessed it they want me to do a 3 month contract :/ typical lol so i neeeeeeed to get better really quickly now
Diet oh dear
nope its not started yet either
im struggling due to no energy and now a stomach bug grrr im eating trash and really unhappy about it but i will try as soon as i can get about i really cant be doing with this weight and i hate being so unfit but i need time at the moment to get well so i have to let myself have that and think of diets and exercise when im able to get my butt out of bed !
Well , im still thinking things should be getting better, hopefully the worst is behind us although as per usual the new year started like the last 5 and things have not been good BUT im not gonna let it take over my head and bring me down, im fighting flu depression a little and that along with all the Sh**e is not gonna get the better of me this time!
nothing much else happening at the moment im not able to do much, i have the art exhibition but im worried im not going to get my paintings done in time - press on - press on umm easier said than done when you find it hard to even go for a pee when you need one.
Its 7 30 am not been to bed yet so off to zzzzzzzzzzzzz
I cant start my new year until all this crap is out of the way - flu is just about deciding to leave me, thankfully , at last - however (there always is one :( isnt there) i had stomach bug today, gastroenteritis is going about apparently i sooooooooooo soooooooooooo soooooooooo hope no-one has given me that :(
Still weak but at least moving about , which is just as well - i posted on fb that i hoped to be well soon to start enjoying the fact im not working and about 2mins later the phone rang ?? yep you guessed it they want me to do a 3 month contract :/ typical lol so i neeeeeeed to get better really quickly now
Diet oh dear
nope its not started yet either
im struggling due to no energy and now a stomach bug grrr im eating trash and really unhappy about it but i will try as soon as i can get about i really cant be doing with this weight and i hate being so unfit but i need time at the moment to get well so i have to let myself have that and think of diets and exercise when im able to get my butt out of bed !
Well , im still thinking things should be getting better, hopefully the worst is behind us although as per usual the new year started like the last 5 and things have not been good BUT im not gonna let it take over my head and bring me down, im fighting flu depression a little and that along with all the Sh**e is not gonna get the better of me this time!
nothing much else happening at the moment im not able to do much, i have the art exhibition but im worried im not going to get my paintings done in time - press on - press on umm easier said than done when you find it hard to even go for a pee when you need one.
Its 7 30 am not been to bed yet so off to zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Tuesday 11 January 2011
so i begin again - and again - and again if i have to but im still trying
Today im actually feeling a little better - not out of the woods but having slept all morning i actually have been able to get up and move something ive not done for some weeks but for a few occasions which knocked me right back again.
I wanted my new year to start some days ago finally getting most of the crap (that hit me in its usual way) sorted out. But the flu wouldnt let me get on, i slept 24hrs yesterday and after being up a couple of hours last night slept again till 11am.
For the first time in almost 2 months i actually feel i might be on the mend, im taking it steady and gonna pamper myself a bit.
Along with flu came a low that frightened me into worrying that i might slip back in to that pit, that my grip on the edge was loosened. ive kept trying, ive vented my bad thoughts and crap out on these pages and its helped to get them out of my head where they continuously whirled. Sleep has been a medicine to me where nothing else was. I always know when im going down with the dreaded lurgey of some sort because i sleep, my usual insommnia disappears and its difficult to wake me.
Soooooo here i go again im starting with my hair :D tidying myself up a nice hot bath facial a general pamper.
My house is a wreck (cant trust men to do anything and ive no offers from anyones else ) but its waited this long for me it can wait a few more days , i dont plan to over do things .
Diet :/
well im trying again with that too, i will shop later when hubby is home to help me not having got all my strength back yet im not risking a big shop on my own.
So im gonna sort out my DIET shopping list in a moment and look at quick meals that are not gonna take a toll on me. Im cutting down the sugar which ive soooooo over indulged in. Chocolate has been a life saver for the razor blades in my throat, i struggle with cough sweets after my previous flu some years ago i over dosed i can no longer smell them let alone eat them. so yep many lbs have been put on :/ all i can do is hope they come off quickly now im back to normal 'ish eating and quicker when im in full diet mode ............. here we go
I wanted my new year to start some days ago finally getting most of the crap (that hit me in its usual way) sorted out. But the flu wouldnt let me get on, i slept 24hrs yesterday and after being up a couple of hours last night slept again till 11am.
For the first time in almost 2 months i actually feel i might be on the mend, im taking it steady and gonna pamper myself a bit.
Along with flu came a low that frightened me into worrying that i might slip back in to that pit, that my grip on the edge was loosened. ive kept trying, ive vented my bad thoughts and crap out on these pages and its helped to get them out of my head where they continuously whirled. Sleep has been a medicine to me where nothing else was. I always know when im going down with the dreaded lurgey of some sort because i sleep, my usual insommnia disappears and its difficult to wake me.
Soooooo here i go again im starting with my hair :D tidying myself up a nice hot bath facial a general pamper.
My house is a wreck (cant trust men to do anything and ive no offers from anyones else ) but its waited this long for me it can wait a few more days , i dont plan to over do things .
Diet :/
well im trying again with that too, i will shop later when hubby is home to help me not having got all my strength back yet im not risking a big shop on my own.
So im gonna sort out my DIET shopping list in a moment and look at quick meals that are not gonna take a toll on me. Im cutting down the sugar which ive soooooo over indulged in. Chocolate has been a life saver for the razor blades in my throat, i struggle with cough sweets after my previous flu some years ago i over dosed i can no longer smell them let alone eat them. so yep many lbs have been put on :/ all i can do is hope they come off quickly now im back to normal 'ish eating and quicker when im in full diet mode ............. here we go
Saturday 8 January 2011
What did i do wrong that others did right?
THE NOT SO GOOD BIT
Im still with flu :( and its worn me down, in my struggle over depression flu is not the best thing to have cos all those nasties pop their horrible heads up and over take my brain :/
Ive sat today unable to do much, and there is soooooo much to do.
I slept most the day away but on my waking ive sat wondering what i did so so wrong, that after 5 years of crap 5 years of fighting to just have a little normallity and hoping for the miracle of a little happiness, that im still waiting.
Ive looked at others and most people seem to have a relatively good life, few ups and downs which is the nomallity of most lives, some are like me with just one thing after another never letting up and wearing us down and then there are those that that seem have it all.
SO WHAT DID I DO WRONG? ummm maybe the question should be what did they do right?
I dont think im a bad person, I give all i can, help all i can, even throughout being ill and unable to care for myself i found some strength to help others (who knows where from but i was there when needed even though i couldnt be for me)
Ive compared my life with those that seem happier, healthier, who have all going right for them, only to find they often havent been so good, but seem to have rewards in all ways.
After 5 years of continuous crap :/ fighting depression and other illness , ive clawed my way back to the top of that deep dark pit, sadly still hanging on the edge, i get to see the new year in as i did the previous ones with a funeral, my kids in danger - ( but thank you soooooo much god for protecting them) - no work bleak months of finances ahead, flu thats just knocked me for 6 and wondering if i can manage to keep fighting on.
Yep my bleak blog is here again :/ THINGS SHOULD BE GETTING BETTER shouldnt they??
THE FIGHTING ON FOR BETTER THINGS BIT:
Today i want to start my new year
Ive sat today unable to do much, and there is soooooo much to do.
I slept most the day away but on my waking ive sat wondering what i did so so wrong, that after 5 years of crap 5 years of fighting to just have a little normallity and hoping for the miracle of a little happiness, that im still waiting.
Ive looked at others and most people seem to have a relatively good life, few ups and downs which is the nomallity of most lives, some are like me with just one thing after another never letting up and wearing us down and then there are those that that seem have it all.
SO WHAT DID I DO WRONG? ummm maybe the question should be what did they do right?
I dont think im a bad person, I give all i can, help all i can, even throughout being ill and unable to care for myself i found some strength to help others (who knows where from but i was there when needed even though i couldnt be for me)
Ive compared my life with those that seem happier, healthier, who have all going right for them, only to find they often havent been so good, but seem to have rewards in all ways.
After 5 years of continuous crap :/ fighting depression and other illness , ive clawed my way back to the top of that deep dark pit, sadly still hanging on the edge, i get to see the new year in as i did the previous ones with a funeral, my kids in danger - ( but thank you soooooo much god for protecting them) - no work bleak months of finances ahead, flu thats just knocked me for 6 and wondering if i can manage to keep fighting on.
Yep my bleak blog is here again :/ THINGS SHOULD BE GETTING BETTER shouldnt they??
THE FIGHTING ON FOR BETTER THINGS BIT:
Today i want to start my new year
Thursday 6 January 2011
Things continue but hopefully this is the last :/
UMMMM well things have not been so good - yep i still have the flu, i mentioned in previous posts nick ditched his car, thankfully hes safe and well however the car isnt and its just cost us to get another (although cheapy) to get him to work BUT thats now sorted
Ali was buried Tuesday so that sad day has passed
Viki had an electrical fire in the early hours monday/tuesday :( fortuneately she was still awake) both her and liam are safe and fine thankfully (once again) also thankfully not to much damage she had a day without electric and lost a days work, has a 7ft hole in her garden and possibly a blessing in disguise the fact we had an electrical fire not so long ago i had told her what had happened and explained about switching the mains electric off etc and she remembered - firemen were brill and praised her for doing everything right as did the electric company :) BUT thats all sorted now phew!
~SOOOOOOOOOOO things are getting better - please please please - this flu is hanging on but on 5th week so cant be around me much longer can it ??
they forcast snow BUT its gonna rain too so wash it away :D
Now ... arghh diet not started, due to illness :( i played darts last night and hardly able to stand im so weak lost my game and feeling crap so no diet till i can get back up and about as normal
its only a quick note tonight updating the crap but with relief of some matters being sorted
so with a cough and wheeze will say night :ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Ali was buried Tuesday so that sad day has passed
Viki had an electrical fire in the early hours monday/tuesday :( fortuneately she was still awake) both her and liam are safe and fine thankfully (once again) also thankfully not to much damage she had a day without electric and lost a days work, has a 7ft hole in her garden and possibly a blessing in disguise the fact we had an electrical fire not so long ago i had told her what had happened and explained about switching the mains electric off etc and she remembered - firemen were brill and praised her for doing everything right as did the electric company :) BUT thats all sorted now phew!
~SOOOOOOOOOOO things are getting better - please please please - this flu is hanging on but on 5th week so cant be around me much longer can it ??
they forcast snow BUT its gonna rain too so wash it away :D
Now ... arghh diet not started, due to illness :( i played darts last night and hardly able to stand im so weak lost my game and feeling crap so no diet till i can get back up and about as normal
its only a quick note tonight updating the crap but with relief of some matters being sorted
so with a cough and wheeze will say night :ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Sunday 2 January 2011
ITS 2011
Note to jo - have a lovely new year jo hope your new beginings are the start of a special year and years to come xxx
We start the year off 1/1/11 :)
Sadlly my year starts with a funeral (again) on the 4th - the remainder of the flu which appears to just be going, only to come back with a vengence time and again :/
There are petty grivences all around me mainly with friends and their families which seem some how to land on my door step - hows that keep happening.
My mums in failing health, sister wants her put in a home - the one thing my mum has always feared. At the moment i see no reason, shes cared for several times a day by carers she has constant visitors and only mid evening when everyone has their own things to do and sit down after a days work does she have a few hours on her own, even then someone may turn up. Im fearing time with my mum is shorter than we wish it to be :( she will be 90 this year, my one wish for her is that she remains in her own home.
So the new year im feeling defiant - i look back and see that the past year people thought they had the right to criticise me point out all my failings (and infront of others) going to some almost embarrassing lengths to show me up for my faults of which im already aware - this year im not letting that happen whatever the consequences.
There are some who need to know they wont be getting away with it any more, i will be treating them as they treat me and i kinda think they wont be happy with all the criticism i can come up with mainly because they are far far from perfect but also it seem unaware of the fact!
Facebook informs people of my new policy to give as given so they have been fore-warned !
HA HA THE DIET
umm yes here i go again back down that road again - I will have to wait till well i know i cant manage whilst ill - im working on recovery - my aim to start eating fresh foods and drink more water just a start and as soon as this body can manage i will begin a proper 'get this fat off' diet and exercise. Mainly i intend to run for exercise i wish to do the race for life in support of breast cancer and i would like to run or at least jog most of it rather than walk - after all it is a race.
Will is at his works do today - im hoping he doesnt over enjoy his self :/ i hate the aftermath but hope he enjoys a good time.
New years eve we spent at the snooker club - sadly full of people who usually dont frequent which took the personal side from but a good time was had by all and i tried to drown my flu with little success going home rather sober considering all i consumed :(
Forgot the camera so no pics unless i can get some from my friends (who generally scare me with the awful pics of myself) :D
viki went to pretty in pink breast cancer charity new years do with her friend simone from the pics they seem to have had a really errr really good time lol im not posting the rest of the pics :/ ha ha ha
But theyre good girls. Liam stayed with Nick neither wanted to join any of us going out but we all saw the new year in with a good riddance to the previous one!
Heres hoping all good things ahead
We start the year off 1/1/11 :)
Sadlly my year starts with a funeral (again) on the 4th - the remainder of the flu which appears to just be going, only to come back with a vengence time and again :/
There are petty grivences all around me mainly with friends and their families which seem some how to land on my door step - hows that keep happening.
My mums in failing health, sister wants her put in a home - the one thing my mum has always feared. At the moment i see no reason, shes cared for several times a day by carers she has constant visitors and only mid evening when everyone has their own things to do and sit down after a days work does she have a few hours on her own, even then someone may turn up. Im fearing time with my mum is shorter than we wish it to be :( she will be 90 this year, my one wish for her is that she remains in her own home.
So the new year im feeling defiant - i look back and see that the past year people thought they had the right to criticise me point out all my failings (and infront of others) going to some almost embarrassing lengths to show me up for my faults of which im already aware - this year im not letting that happen whatever the consequences.
There are some who need to know they wont be getting away with it any more, i will be treating them as they treat me and i kinda think they wont be happy with all the criticism i can come up with mainly because they are far far from perfect but also it seem unaware of the fact!
Facebook informs people of my new policy to give as given so they have been fore-warned !
HA HA THE DIET
umm yes here i go again back down that road again - I will have to wait till well i know i cant manage whilst ill - im working on recovery - my aim to start eating fresh foods and drink more water just a start and as soon as this body can manage i will begin a proper 'get this fat off' diet and exercise. Mainly i intend to run for exercise i wish to do the race for life in support of breast cancer and i would like to run or at least jog most of it rather than walk - after all it is a race.
Will is at his works do today - im hoping he doesnt over enjoy his self :/ i hate the aftermath but hope he enjoys a good time.
New years eve we spent at the snooker club - sadly full of people who usually dont frequent which took the personal side from but a good time was had by all and i tried to drown my flu with little success going home rather sober considering all i consumed :(
Forgot the camera so no pics unless i can get some from my friends (who generally scare me with the awful pics of myself) :D
viki went to pretty in pink breast cancer charity new years do with her friend simone from the pics they seem to have had a really errr really good time lol im not posting the rest of the pics :/ ha ha ha
But theyre good girls. Liam stayed with Nick neither wanted to join any of us going out but we all saw the new year in with a good riddance to the previous one!
Heres hoping all good things ahead
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