Life has truely changed

My life has truely changed this year more so than any other time - I no longer have my mum :( and lost others that have been part of my life. Tomorrow is going to be very difficult as my lovely son Nick flies off to start a new life in Mexico - I am so sad :( but i know he needs to move on with his life, the accident he had changed life for him and hes sat dormant for a long while and ive been worried for a long while. But now hes found a lovely girl and is off to begin living again. It seems such a long way away and i will not be part of my boys life as i am now. So yes im sad but happy that hes happy - i know he has to move on - just wish it was down the road !
My viki to has moved on, getting a new job lots better for her and shes pleased to be moving to a better position but that to isnt local so no more cups of tea in the morning for her mum :( she will now be working full time and i will see little of her so im sad about that too :( 
SO i guess its time for me to move on to - my life has changed and im kinda left in limbo cos all those around that needed me wont be here. I need to find a place for me, what i want for my future Time to begin a new life 

I want to set myself some goals

Firstly i want to get fit and lose this FAT ugh!
My current contracting job will come to an end in the next couple of months and although i will miss my colleagues and friends i no longer like the job with all the changes having been made So next is what work do i want??
I may look at home business but that way i will probably have little contact with others and im thinking maybe meeting and interacting with others will be best for me as i adjust to the changes in my life.  Maybe a part time something will be good ?

Well they are the first 2 main goals  - i will probably add to this list and hopefully complete each goal. 

I am sooooooo PROUD of my kids i cant even begin to tell anyone how proud. All mums think their kids are the best (course they are) but i have other people telling me too and that is amazing - to be stopped in the street and told how wonderful your kids are is the ultimate praise anyone can give you. 
But even with out it im proud always have been - They too have gone through a lot of hurt and pain with the extreme loss's of our family and friends over these last 6 years, they were really close to my mum, probably more so than any of the others and losing her was a huge huge loss to all of us and massive loss to them, but they have handled all of it so well and looked after me.  
Im want them to have the best of life from now on and hopefully as they move on, their new starts will bring all good to them . We have had more than our fair share of crap our lives have changed damatically Its now time for the good times!!!1

 

Finals night Darts team whoo trophys for me and the girls :D

Finals night heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey ! brilliant night absolutely blotto'd  
you will seeeeee from the pics - embarrassing pics coming up!

End of this !!!

Ive decided to change my blog look and update things i want things ALL things to change - its not going to be easy or all at once i have another funeral to go to but im looking at it to be the last one!

I have started new years and new beginings time after time and here i go again! I may have to see this year out but im not having this one trail into another im going to make changes i cant stops somethings but i keep trying and im not going to stop it keep hitting me, i keep getting kicked when im down but the devil is not staying on my back any longer i am not having him dig his claws in any more its time for me to get rid of him and make changes !! SO HERE I GO AGAIN AGAIN wish me luck :/

Dont Judge me !!!

Well another funeal last week Rose Cadle bless her :(  known her all my life and grew up with her family - and another this next week for Ray lovely lovely man :( so sad - dont know if i can do another one but i need to say goodbye :'(

Worried about my vik various things and my nick is off to live in mexico - i know it will be good for him after his accident he kinda stopped living and this will be good for him but im sad :( i dont want him to go i dont want to miss his life  but i know he needs to do this

WHAT A SHIT LIFE - dont get me wrong i love living - some one said you create your own fate - how the hell can you stop people form dying and stop yourself from greiving for them? I've  had this for 6 long long years i thought the ultimate being my mum, that would be the end of it but no - 2 more funerals ffs!!! is is going to end??? i guess not people, loved ones are always going to die but so many ???? so soon??? i expected in my 60's to start losing people but 50's ?? maybe a few but not this many but its not only losing all those loved ones - everything has been horrible - money, work, illness, cars , household things every thing is wrong or going wrong - THIS JUST CAN NOT GO ON really now - Some one said God tests us but i dont think he does, if he loves us hes not going to let any one of us put up with the shit that goes on, on this earth but the devil on the other hand would throw all he can at us leaving God and us to clear up the mess
God wouldnt be so cruel would he?? is that what he is some one to test us by letting us go though this??
No i dont believe its God  - the devil is on my back and digging his claws in God has been around and helped when i needed him most, my son is still alive after 5 1/2 hours fighting for his life - I asked God to take me instead but that i would rather have my son and be here for him too and my prayer was answered.
I know im lucky to some people on this earth, i do know! but we all live in our own bubbles and my bubble has been full of heartache and pain, i often wonder what i did wrong? what went wrong? i have never asked for much just an easy life i dont know why i deserve to keep having this pain, for it to be going on for so long and the only future i see is more of it  :(

I LIVE IN HOPE - almost a joke in itself so im removing it from my title HOPE was suposed to be there among all the ugly horrible crap, i tried hoping but its not there nowhere to be seen :(

Well there is my doom and gloom for the session -  i feel sick to the stomach and fed up as per usual
Many come here and read my depressing blog but i have few followers due to its content and even they dont really bother i dont blame them shying away finding it distasteful spoiling their days reading sadness hurt and pain well they are only reading it im living it ! i dont shy away when they have a bad day i try to support and help but i have few that stand with me and even they cant cope with this WELL NEITHER CAN I but i dont get to turn the page :(


Dont Judge me - you dont know me - you dont have this hurt and pain you dont live with depression that has made you so ill you couldnt function - and i dont want you to know it this blog is for me, maybe once in a while someone with depression or with greiving or with such pain and bad luck,  passing through will read that they are not alone and maybe that thought will help them through cos if i can do it so can they!