Officially old and fat :/

Guess i have to decide now what i want most ... face lift and lipo .. well thats not gonna happen botox possibility... diet ummm well im back at the gym seriously struggling i do have to get back to it big time i did hardly anything today :/ and came home feeling quite ill (hayfever not helping matters)
So ... im 50 and fat and dont wanna be either, 50 i cant do anything about, fat thats cos im sticking lots of rubbish foods in to my mouth and thats my choice my fault i need to STOP now!
Im still in grey area of illness so its not easy, my head isnt functioning rationally and here i am trying to do something that is soooooooo hard for sooooo many people DIET :(
I have done one thing i kinda regret, ummm i only went and got a job ?? wtf?? and a full time one omg what did i do that for??, i can only see how things go. :(
Im thinking only positive thing about it is that maybe i will get in some routine where as at the moment i have none :/ so maybe its a start to my new me new life new diet maybe it will take me out of the grey darkness and in to the sunlight again!YUK how awful is that ^ :(

So hubby is out tonight its now 12 20am im guessing hes doing the she can come in at 4am thing i will to, well if he is he wont be doing it on his 50th cos as far as im concerned hes done it tonight and i may consider doing it every week just because i know my going out annoys him more than his going out annoys me ... i dont care less but he does! however, im not having his silly petty she did it last week stuff, i think he will suffer more than i !

This week i became an auntie to teddy (yes thats what theyve named him bless) and a great auntie to grace ive now lost count how many there is i will have to go through and update but its way in the 30's for auntie and great auntie :S

Im not waiting up for hubby so off to bed now ... will sort him out later lol

so im 50 :/

Here i am big 50 omg ! oh well little i can do about it i guess, sadly :( money may help in some ways ie 'bit' of botox or surgery here and there when required lol
My viki will be 31 :S 12th (day after mine) shes away for weekend to so shes already been gifted and hope she has a lovely time :)


Wednesday 9th june started well at darts mel and her man celebrating bought 2 bottles of champers :D we lost the darts but were so tiddly it didnt matter well not till sober anyway ha ha
Thursday was our end of season meal, and celebrating my 50 to come :/
the girls dressed the table was lovely big balloon saying err... 50 (bitches lol~) there was little sparkly 50's everywhere just as well the meal was so superb i didnt notice eating them lmao!



The meal was fantastic best ive ever eaten im taking the chef home to live with me omg i cant tell you how nice our meal was :D finished off with birthday cake (again shouting out 50) whilst i tried to hang on to the last thin thread of my 40's everyone and everything pulled me in to the next decade faster than i wanted!

I had beautiful pressies both sisters came and visited me friday with gifts, a necklace from sue a balloon, photo albumn and cushion with 'im 18 with 32 yrs experience lol' my viki got me the 'pot of dreams .. mums pamper funds' saving pot, and a large bottle of my fave perfume, liam got me a meer cat ha ha and some smellies for my NEW CAR yes whoo hoo willy got me a car, we havent been able to find a nice pick up yet so now hes half wrecked our festa he said he will run it in the ground till some thing comes up and i get a car here it is :D :D



Mum gave me money so will get some petrol ha ha ha:D cool or what !

The girls got me vouchers for pampering so i had a tan an body polish tracy got me the back up pamper items to which she stuck 50 ~ 50pence pieces (which i have to unstick :/) some wine and paracetemol lmao! vikki got me a beautiful glass with 50 on it mel got me a rose and dee got me a butterfly book mark ~ Nick is paying for a holiday :D although ive said its to much he insists so i will be flitting away when the passports are sorted :D :D


Friday night i went out with trace and vik and light weight vik went home early (ish) pmsl sambuka face





so did me and trace to but ours was 'early hours' lol errr 4 15am ooops
i was suposed to be off on my weekend away so on rallying myself round will and i set off for bournemouth, i tried not to appear tiddly and kept my dozing to the minimum :/ we had a lovely day weather was scorching tups enjoyed her first taste of sand and spent an hour sniffing and sneezing lol dug a hole and shifted the sand on wills head he he he
Its not all good ... how could i expect it to be???
We decided to get home earlier than intended next morning both quite shattered as we had walked miles along the sea front so lazed about most of the morning, will went off to see to the chickens and here comes our bad luck both our remaining chickens were dead :/
the gate had fallen on one and one was missing
clearly something had got in at them the one under the gate didnt just die from the gate falling feathers were every where then we found a trail of blood and feathers and eventually found the other torn to pieces :( so we cleared up and buried out chooks :'(
See doesnt matter what you do in this life, if that devil is on your back something will come along to spoil the good bits :( no more chooks for us, we think our neighbours dirty messy garden harbours rats and course our chicks were a great attraction and place to feed :/
and wills uncle 'chick' rhymer also passed away so another funeral there too :(
its not quite finished im to have a small op on a lump thats come up on my arm :/ its nothing much to worry about in its self but i have to have minor surgery arghhh !

SOOOO im old and fat and things still going up the shoot despite all attempts but im thinking maybe they are not quite as bad as the past 5 years and at least i can cope better with the crap thats coming or im getting toooooo damn used to it !

My new decade has still begun with some crap but it also begun with some good stuff too a lot better than previous years :)
I also become a great auntie again she didnt quite make it for mine nor my vikis birthday she popped in between the gap mine was 11th june vikis 12th june and my brother andrews is the 14th so our my new niece is the 13th my next two nieces are 15th june and katie is 18 on the 16th so still lots of celebrating to do :)

my number is almost up :/

Well count down to the big 50 is on ... now just 4 days away i hate the fact i will be saying 50's instead of 40's mainly cos i look 70 :/ so no one is gonna say 'wow no way are you 50' i will probably get those silences of how do i not offend her :( ... i will have to consider the botox thing if i get any worse i would go for surgery had i the money and inclination but for now i live with what ive got and erase all photos if i can arghhh

The pond is finally getting it edging and looking rather nice even just half done









inspector tuppence is there yet again checking wills work lol





Rain is upon us today so all work is at a halt, this may be due to the swimming pool being temporarily repaired cleaned of all the rainwater leaves, newts and frogs :/ and tuppence helped there too lol



And here is my baby lol just managed to get her before she hit the white lounge carpet :/ but she had a whale of a time :)
so now the pool is full, the sun has disappeared ... maybe i should have left it as it was and enjoyed a summer :S

Diet : errrr i stopped dieting and ive lost 4lb whoo hoo however, its probably because of the lovely weather we had until today and its been salads and light food with the added exercise of gardening and being busy so i just need to keep it up now!

Sooo June is upon us half the year gone and my me year turned out to not be a me year however ive decided it may begin Friday along with my new decade and be more than a year, time for new me time and why not for the next decade :)
Im hoping some time soon our luck will begin to get better, willy looks tired and old bless him, im getting better but not quite well enough to help out with the finances and our savings are disappearing quickly :( we need a good start im not asking for a lottery win although that would be heaven but just a normal life with some good bits in cos there has been little good bits for a long time and we need a break!

I will be and aunty and great aunty again very soon im hoping one at least may make it to friday and be born on my half century great niece is over due and i suspect waiting for that date lmao!

ITS TIME FOR GOOD THINGS! and well overdue....

6 days till the big 50 ...OMG

Doesnt 50 sound old :/ but then i guess at the moment i feel old, tired and worn down the struggle of the last 5 yrs has taken its toll and although im crawling back to the top of that long dark pit i fell in its hard and slow and i keep getting knocked im still crawling though, somedays less than others but its a day at a time thing, in the mean time life seems empty (part of the depression/pre menopause symptoms) I can now function, although im not sure its a good thing - many people think im better, that im now 'well' but im not, i can now do my daily chores and i can hear myself chattering to friends and laughing, i recognise all that i say and do but inside there is nothing, the only thing i can describe it as is like the body snatchers film ( the old original black and white) where you look like Aunt mable you sound like Aunt mable but you not Aunt mable .... i sit almost like im watching all thats going on but not participating although i can see that i am, its really weird almost ghost like. some times i want to shout hey look im here , thats not me , im here .Who is this woman ... it doesnt even look like me not the one i remember this is the new me new hair older face fatter i dont even wear the clothes i like any more because of weight gain my hair is long ive not had long hair for 20 years ? and where did all those wrinkles come from darn it!!! :/
I know there are many that cant understand ... hell, i cant ... so why should those that have never suffered.
I hate that when i laugh there is no feeling of it inside even if i find something funny, i hate my concentration levels are almost none existent :( i hate i cant get on and do things and i hate that im not me ... i was strong, fairly intelligent i always thought my brain as my asset (sadly lost it now) from being confident and even proud of myself for my accomplishments im now a dowdy miserable insecure person, my lovely slim body has left me, my will power had deserted me at the time i needed it most and im left wondering if i will get any of me back again, i think probably not so i keep trying to build a new me but so far i dont like what i have :(
The big 50 looming has made me sit and think of what i want, im just stuck on how to achieve it whilst in the messy state of menopause and depression.
As of Friday arghhh 50 hits and i want things to be different, i know its not gonna be wake up and wham all is better all has changed but i want to put in motions some things that can improve my life and maybe get a life back.
i hear lots of people say 'i hate life' oddly i dont i love it ... sounds odd coming from me doesnt it? what i hate is the life im living and i know i have to work on making that change but life its self is such a gift and here i am sat wasting mine .
Sooo my 50th is my change for life improvement, i know its gonna be slow and hard, already things have messed up my ME year so far there has been no me in this year things went wrong from the start, beginning with another funeral and on it went no work no money everything just going wrong etc... Maybe from friday things will improve ... i wont hold my breath, but its time things started to get better!Here is my bad bad baby, little tramp lol she should have been born a jack russell or some other nice hardy dog not a fluffy little fluff ball ... there she was in the mess of our pool and caught just before she landed on the lounge (white) carpet :/Have been working on the garden due to ~WONDERFUL weather ~heat wave this weekend :) we cleaned the swimming pool out (as i mentioned tuppence helped) it has some damage but i think we can skim repairs just so we have a pool while we have the weather and then do the proper repairs when we sort it out for winter. .. my pond is requiring hubby to finish it :/ just needs the edging and it will be lookign lovely the iris's have been superb this year, we have a lot of building rubbish to get rid of so skip hire is required, Will had finished the shed roof at last and most thing back in it instead of all over the garden, im just wanting thing to be tidied up and back to normal so we can sit and enjoy but sadly there is a lot of work yet to be done on the clear up side.

Well while the sun is out im off to potter and enjoy have a good weekend all wont be about next weekend im in hiding due to shock of aging omg!