6 days till the big 50 ...OMG

Doesnt 50 sound old :/ but then i guess at the moment i feel old, tired and worn down the struggle of the last 5 yrs has taken its toll and although im crawling back to the top of that long dark pit i fell in its hard and slow and i keep getting knocked im still crawling though, somedays less than others but its a day at a time thing, in the mean time life seems empty (part of the depression/pre menopause symptoms) I can now function, although im not sure its a good thing - many people think im better, that im now 'well' but im not, i can now do my daily chores and i can hear myself chattering to friends and laughing, i recognise all that i say and do but inside there is nothing, the only thing i can describe it as is like the body snatchers film ( the old original black and white) where you look like Aunt mable you sound like Aunt mable but you not Aunt mable .... i sit almost like im watching all thats going on but not participating although i can see that i am, its really weird almost ghost like. some times i want to shout hey look im here , thats not me , im here .Who is this woman ... it doesnt even look like me not the one i remember this is the new me new hair older face fatter i dont even wear the clothes i like any more because of weight gain my hair is long ive not had long hair for 20 years ? and where did all those wrinkles come from darn it!!! :/
I know there are many that cant understand ... hell, i cant ... so why should those that have never suffered.
I hate that when i laugh there is no feeling of it inside even if i find something funny, i hate my concentration levels are almost none existent :( i hate i cant get on and do things and i hate that im not me ... i was strong, fairly intelligent i always thought my brain as my asset (sadly lost it now) from being confident and even proud of myself for my accomplishments im now a dowdy miserable insecure person, my lovely slim body has left me, my will power had deserted me at the time i needed it most and im left wondering if i will get any of me back again, i think probably not so i keep trying to build a new me but so far i dont like what i have :(
The big 50 looming has made me sit and think of what i want, im just stuck on how to achieve it whilst in the messy state of menopause and depression.
As of Friday arghhh 50 hits and i want things to be different, i know its not gonna be wake up and wham all is better all has changed but i want to put in motions some things that can improve my life and maybe get a life back.
i hear lots of people say 'i hate life' oddly i dont i love it ... sounds odd coming from me doesnt it? what i hate is the life im living and i know i have to work on making that change but life its self is such a gift and here i am sat wasting mine .
Sooo my 50th is my change for life improvement, i know its gonna be slow and hard, already things have messed up my ME year so far there has been no me in this year things went wrong from the start, beginning with another funeral and on it went no work no money everything just going wrong etc... Maybe from friday things will improve ... i wont hold my breath, but its time things started to get better!Here is my bad bad baby, little tramp lol she should have been born a jack russell or some other nice hardy dog not a fluffy little fluff ball ... there she was in the mess of our pool and caught just before she landed on the lounge (white) carpet :/Have been working on the garden due to ~WONDERFUL weather ~heat wave this weekend :) we cleaned the swimming pool out (as i mentioned tuppence helped) it has some damage but i think we can skim repairs just so we have a pool while we have the weather and then do the proper repairs when we sort it out for winter. .. my pond is requiring hubby to finish it :/ just needs the edging and it will be lookign lovely the iris's have been superb this year, we have a lot of building rubbish to get rid of so skip hire is required, Will had finished the shed roof at last and most thing back in it instead of all over the garden, im just wanting thing to be tidied up and back to normal so we can sit and enjoy but sadly there is a lot of work yet to be done on the clear up side.

Well while the sun is out im off to potter and enjoy have a good weekend all wont be about next weekend im in hiding due to shock of aging omg!