Today ive thought a lot about my life I do have much to be thankful for but its not been easy - so short review with the hopes of putting the pain that was in my past in the past
Im one of 10 - no. 8 to be precise - As a child i grew up in a lively full house. I was very much the mouse of the family the 'wallflower' expression was me quite shy although with my moments when i errupted - usually when i felt unfairness, i have this high moral ground that i sit upon and despite being so painfully shy i couldnt see injustice being done. I even fronted the school bully lol who would have guessed the mouse doing that. I was extremely thin but fit I ate when i wanted and what i wanted but i enjoyed gymnastics and running, i was country long distance runner. I was smitten by a 6 former named simon far beyond my league or/and age. I had my moments not being the prettiest but not ugly either - i had those that said wow and those the were'nt so kind although due to having 7 brothers few pushed their luck lol
I had a best friends Sue i grew up with but her mum didnt seem to think i was good enough that she should be moving on to better. It broke my heart we were so close. I have posted here about Martyn he too was a member of our gang he took his own life recently - I just dont know how to explain to anyone how sad its made me. He apparently loved me - but to me he was like a brother - we did speak about it and he accepted this and we remaind and were always friends. I guess for me he was around so much that he became more part of my family where as we grew his feelings were different. His death recently broke this already shattered heart.
I had another best friend Sharon - through my early teens we became like peas in a pod at school - not so much socially until later - we went to college together where we driffed apart and i became friends with Tracy who i had known at school but we were in different groups we are still friends today- i stay in contact with sharon too but see little of her.
My dad was an alcoholic. As a youngster i didnt understand he was an RAF officer before the war a very intelligent man, no one not even other RAF officers had beat my dad at the card memory game, and one day at 15 yrs old i did - he was so proud - he told me that he always knew i was like him, i would have loved to have had just an ounce of his intelligence .
We were a large and poor family but as a child it hardly effected me. My parents always had food on the table, my dad had allotments which we all helped out on and i have good memories of greengage plums and large purple victoria plums - apples but the hundreds and munching on carrots just pulled from the earth and sitting with the family chatting whilst we podded peas and broadbeans. The boys would go rabbiting we grew up on stews of various sorts. When christmas came we always had a 'big' present always new almost like my parents wanted to make up for what we didnt have the rest of the year. I remember the front room was kept for best and at christmas a tree almost the size of the room and with so many of us in the family the presents filled the rest of it - looking through the crack of the door with tinsel sparkling and lights flashing and gifts to the ceiling it was magical for any child.
We had pets dogs Trudy and Podge - cats twinkle and a siamese named minka an amazing budgie named Charlie each of which have their own story ( i may tell some time) we had tamed mice and i had my own birds the first of which was Fonz lmao!
Our bedrooms were shared, but as the family got older and left home or/and married our bedroom sharing dwindled until just me and my sister . My brothers told us stories constantly all sorts we were brought up to use our imaginations not like to day with computers and iphones but with made up stories and books and play
As i got to teenager, i got to realise my family were not the norm - you get to understand that others dont live as you do - My dad left me with a fear of bringing friends home as it was difficult to know if he would be sober, apparently for some years my family thought i had no friends. My friend once told people ' we cant go to jaynes as her dads a drunk' ive never felt so hurt and small but i learnt from it and when it came to friends going to friends i used to say first 'my dads an alcoholic so your unable to come to mine' in my mind my dad wasnt a drunk, they were the ones laying in the street not my dad :/ But i learned to live with it - despite the hard times we had because of my dads problems, i loved my dad and miss him always.
We were poor and that was hard too - when your friends have all the new and latest clothes and you only have old hand me downs , its very difficult. Why do they have new stuff??? i didnt understand money only that my things were nothing like theirs.
I went to college for a year and became a secretary - ive had good jobs throughout my life with time off at various times to bring up my kids
No comments:
Post a Comment