I love life, does seem odd? i guess, to people knowing my miserable out look, gloomy moods etc its probably the last thing they expect me to say...
~Thing are soooo crap at the moment and have been for a very long long time, on and off during my life, but all the same i dont want it to end and it surprises people.
Even during my darkest hours when i could easily have done some thing soooo sooo stupid (and confession .. i came close a few times... far to close :/)
it wasnt because i didnt want to live, strangely it was because i was just so tired, tired of living yes but not of life ! I never had a thought that i would end it, that i wanted to die that if i carried out such a thing i wouldnt wake up, all i thougth was that i just wanted to sleep, sleep away the pain and hurt. I wanted to be like the princess that slept for a hundred years, i of course wasnt thinking rationally thats how those sort of things come about.
Im fortunate that my STOP button was working for me.
As bad as things have been ive not turned to drink and only drugs were prescribed medically to enable me to fight on, i have never wanted to blur my life out with drink and drugs. Sadly medication was needed because how ill i had become but they never put me in a comatosed stupor, sadly depression its self did that for a while, i had no control :(
Ive always faced all thats been thrown at me, it did get so bad i eventually couldnt cope mentally or physically but everyone has a breaking point.
Sadly, recently i went to a funeral of someone i grew up with, his life was filled with drink and drugs and im not sure any of his life was much more than a blur bless him, it wasnt a good life but i feel sad that he was to drugged or drunk to know that he had lived :(
So yes i know im miserable gloomy sad blah blah all that stuff but thats cos of the life i have, things i cant change.
Its not always in our power to change things and often we dont get to make the choices we really want, often we have to put the needs of others before ourselves like it or not, because they are more dependent and in need than ourselves and the choice we would have preferred. Other times things happen totally out of our control and it hurts people we love stop loving us stop caring, walk by like we never were a part of their lives and others leave us because they have no choice illness or accident take them and we are left to grieve and carry on with a part of our hear broken just that little bit more.
Well this post has turned out gloomy :/ not because im in a bad sad or gloomy mood but because those around me are in shock that i said i love life, course i dont love all the nasty things! I wish things could be better, i wish i could have made other choices, i wish things could have been different, i wish things would change but i do love living! i love the earth, i love the sky and sun and rain and trees and grass and everything, i love to watch butterflies and listen to birds, i love walking through the woods or on a beach watching the sunrise or set, looking at the stars, all those beautiful things we have and take for granted.
Depression, cronic fatigue, bereavement, menopause robbed me of the little clips of joy in this life but ive started to wake again from this nightmare, im crawling my way out of this dark tunnel and there is a glimpse of light although its a fight every day. I'm starting to see the sun again only once in a while but at least its there.
For all those that have been there for me right down to that small kind comment on facebook i say THE BIGGEST THANK YOU many dont understand but so many are kind enough to have stood with me anyway and listened to the sadness, hurt the rants and screams and have made me smile once in a while despite every nasty thing around me.
Yes i love life :)
No comments:
Post a Comment