You all get to have a little break from me , lap top is to go back (heap of shite!) :/
So i wont be around for a bit, not sure what im going to do, may be some extra gym time arghhh :(
Today didnt start well, finances are very tight (although im not really sure why but just a glitch) hoever, with wills current bad moods, things flew :/
AND IM ON STRIKE!
Wills been extremely good though out my illness, mainly because i was clearly ill and i know at one stage he was seriously worried. But i guess thats ended now.
As i had some personal shares ive paid my way (not that i thought i had to) its been there any time we've needed it, although i dont need to defend myself, ended up doing so and now im angry! . Today he pushed to far.
I dont understand why he and they, all think i need to get a job? i pay my way, always have . My money is always there, ive possibly put in more than any one. So what is the issue ? is it that im sat here while they have to earn a living, lucky me can afford not to? And course i dont look ill, ill. Just lazy i guess!
I know im now recovering and i guess to many i appear 'WELL ' but its not that easy, yes i now function, i can cope better with most daily tasks but im STILL recovering.
Sadly im not able to do all that i wish to, all that i need to :( people think im being lazy, yes i know they do. They dont even have to say, those little comments like 'pull yourself together and get moving' 'you have to try' OMG they have no idea ! no idea how much i want, how much i need to be ok again.
I yearn so much to go back in time and have my life back, I so desperately want to have ME back.
Im now able (most days) to clean the house, cook and generally do what needs to be done, some days are harder than others but i do keep trying.
I find my concentration is very poor, one of the reasons im struggling with the idea of going back to work. Getting up in the morning is soooo unbelievably hard and i often dont manage it (classic depression symptom) . I have been unfortunate to catch just about every bug going which hasnt helped.
But im NOT lazy, ive worked hard all my life, im fighting with all my strength to get through each day and just because ive managed to clean up, or put a 'brave ' cover face on things doesnt mean im ok. I so wish it did.
I wish i could swap places so they could see from my shoes, so they could understand but they wont ever know and i know they wont ever come remotely near to understanding any of it!
They dont really even want to listen, it only matters when it affects them.
I guess with will, his patients has run out. Hes at work and he like everyone else is now only seeing the mask i wear. He no longer sees the struggle i have :(
I know hes tired, its one of the reasons i want to get well, to take some of the stress off of him.
What do i do? find a job, just to sit and humiliate myself because i cant do it?
Oddly no one has ever paid me to do their washing, cook their dinners etc. even when i was working as many hours as them ?? No one did anything much whilst ive been ill, certainly did very little for me and i awoke to a mess of a house thats took months on months to catch up with no one seems to have noticed, who do they think cleared it?
As of today im on STRIKE! instead of using my money as a buffer for the bills that would not have been paid or for the luxuries we are lucky enough to indulge in, I will put in my share and that is all, what isnt paid isnt paid and will can see to any wolves that want paying, they can also do their own chores!
They can walk around in stinky clothes or wash them their selves they can go shopping for the food and then cook it cos as of today im not!
So off my lazy butt and get this hing sent off for 3rd repair :/
seems there is continually some thing no matter how i try.
Hope your days are hugely better than any i seem to get xxxx
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