Ive sat today unable to do much, and there is soooooo much to do.
I slept most the day away but on my waking ive sat wondering what i did so so wrong, that after 5 years of crap 5 years of fighting to just have a little normallity and hoping for the miracle of a little happiness, that im still waiting.
Ive looked at others and most people seem to have a relatively good life, few ups and downs which is the nomallity of most lives, some are like me with just one thing after another never letting up and wearing us down and then there are those that that seem have it all.
SO WHAT DID I DO WRONG? ummm maybe the question should be what did they do right?
I dont think im a bad person, I give all i can, help all i can, even throughout being ill and unable to care for myself i found some strength to help others (who knows where from but i was there when needed even though i couldnt be for me)
Ive compared my life with those that seem happier, healthier, who have all going right for them, only to find they often havent been so good, but seem to have rewards in all ways.
After 5 years of continuous crap :/ fighting depression and other illness , ive clawed my way back to the top of that deep dark pit, sadly still hanging on the edge, i get to see the new year in as i did the previous ones with a funeral, my kids in danger - ( but thank you soooooo much god for protecting them) - no work bleak months of finances ahead, flu thats just knocked me for 6 and wondering if i can manage to keep fighting on.
Yep my bleak blog is here again :/ THINGS SHOULD BE GETTING BETTER shouldnt they??
THE FIGHTING ON FOR BETTER THINGS BIT:
Today i want to start my new year
OK so im quite low at the moment but im here making plans for things to get better :D
Ive dug my nails in to the rim of the pit to hold on a little longer, its so much nicer to see some light i want to fight on to sit in the sun!
My kids are safe and well and im soooo thankful my nick wasnt hurt after the car slid off the road in the snow and we have now sorted a new car for him to get to work and hes looking at holidays in mexico.
Viki and Liam are fine too the fire was caught in time and did little damage, shes cleaned up and back on track. Her best friend from school, emigrated to Australia but is home for christmas so she is enjoying her company while she can.
Hubby has work whilst the snow holds off , so prayers please that he can continue working. My work has finally come to an end and im a little miffed with myself for not doing more with the extra money, things were a bit tight and its taken my wage to get us back on track. Im a little sad as i loved the job but it was full time and i was struggling. I will start looking for part time work now (well once this flu has gone), in the mean time i need to get my paintings done for the exhibit in feb and of course ive left it late, im ill and finding it difficult to get it done. Im resting as much as i can at the moment to rid myself of the flu, when ill i sleep forever and hoping its healing time, but on trying to do anything at the moment im just so weak i cant get on,
THE DIET
Im waiting to start my running and diet plan, im thinking its gonna be a while yet, my depleted energy levels leave me with no choice, popping for a pee leaves me exhausted :/ even sat here typing is a struggle!
Im working out plans of what to eat and routes to run - found an excellent training plan for fat old women lol - you run for 1 min walk for 4 and increase over the weeks.
Im looking at foods to build/boost energy, im hoping once able to shop i can at least begin to control the eating - cooking is hard at the moment as i am totally wiped out and i mean totally, so quick easy fatty snacks are my food, not by choice but to feed me until i can prepare something better.
SOOOOOOOO here we go again but at least im still trying and im still hanging on
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