Im waiting - as i said before i dont want to wish my life away i just think i need closure on this year and a focus to begin YET again - its just been such a hard year even with coming out of the dark pit of depression i was in the years turmoil could easily have pushed me back down but ive clawed into the side of the pit and held on .
~Im looking forward to starting my life again hoping i can work on any trials that come in and disrupt my life any which cause me pain and to find a way to cope with them - but mostly im hoping i will have a new kind of life - I believe ive had more than my or any fair share of sadness hurt pain loss illness and misfortune and good times are long overdue to me and my family - im just looking for a peaceful life , a rest and some comfort.
This life of mine will never be the same again - to many of my loved ones are now in heaven including my lovely mum and life has changed beyond any recognision
From my huge huge family, i now hardly see anyone they all have their lives and the centre of the flower (my mum) has gone - her petals are scattered (we, her family) we may overlap in some ways but that close bond seems to have vanished, all but for my younger sister Georgina whose trying to hang on to our family ties sadly few are there but i have told her "i am always here and always shall be"
As previously mentioned my life has changed beyond recognition -
ME - well weight gain constant ill health - that monster depression (which changes you whole conception of things) and that i think somewhat bigger monster Menopause (yuk) its taken me away from me - yes i can hear me and i appear the same to myself and others (although aged eek) but inside me the person i knew - ME - has gone - absolutely completely (invasion of the body snatchers comes to mind - seriously) I hate being unfit fat and miserable
My life - i no longer have about 60+(sadly so many i lost count) of family and close friends in my life they are gone and their part in my life has gone i only have memories of them there is a huge empty area of my life formed . As each one of them were taken, an emptiness grew inside me a numb pain and void - i dont know how to fill and i know i cant replace. The ultimate as ive stated many times now being my mum - Nothing in my life will ever be the same now - most of all i knew and was familiar with has gone from my life (including me )
I now need to build a new life and a new me - All any of us have of the past are memories but i no longer have those around me that made so many of mine and no more can be made with them.
So - a new life begins, all has changed in my life , little is familiar. My daughter has a new partner and my grandson is a young man, my son lives in mexico with his new partner - my siblings have all gone their own way in life and drifted away from the family ties now mum has gone, other family and friends are no longer here. - i know i continually repeat myself on this matter - i think some is due to the need of, if i keep saying it, it might convince me that they are gone!
so im waiting to close off the last 6/7 years to end 2011 and all that came with it for none of those years have given me any joy or special memories - and i need to move on!
TICK TOCK
Goodbye to 2011 good riddence to the last 6/7 years of heartache, heartbreak and grieving
My other wish for the new year is to have my now new life reflected in my blog here - ive been trying for some time but with a life full of grief its difficult to post the positive as there is so little - but im wanting 2012 to be different for me . 2012 is said to be the end of the world - well my world has gone and i need to build a new one from the ashes and flame rose the phoenix as will I .....
No comments:
Post a Comment