liam

liam
my grandson the yoda lol

Wednesday 28 December 2011

few more days to go.....

Ummmm clock still ticking in 2011- but just a few more days - these are the last days of all the crap of 2011 and previous years IM NOT DOING ANY MORE OF THEM! - Im all out to change things in my life, i know i can begin that process today but have chosen the usual new year resolution day 1st Jan. This however, is not a resolution. 
I dont want to start things in 2011 its been such a horrible year i dont want my 'new' start being tainted by anything this year so 2012 is my very begining of 'trying' / 'attempting' to get a start on better things in my life.

My first goals are i guess usual and simple - 

THE DIET - I kind of wrongly label it as a diet - really what i want to achieve is this eating properly instead of bordom eating - stuffing rubbish foods (that i dont even really like) into my face :/ 
I want my foods to be as they used to be , I love fruit and veg so why am i not eating them?? i dont know what changed things for me with regards to my choices but i know bad eating habits began when i had my back injury. (but thats another story)
So Ive already sorted some good food plans - im currently stuffing myself with all the trash i have been eating (hopefully i will be sick of it soon and not want any of it anyway lol) This is my last week of rubbish indulgence, my cupboards will be emptied of anything that will drag me down the lazy path of quick snack rubbish eating.
Hubby joins me (without need i might add - his job allows him to work off the calories)

In conjunction with the diet is my main reason ( maybe should have been put before the diet) and that is to get FIT! - I need to diet in order to exercise and vice versa - i have a running plan, having googled ' Running plan for fat lazy old person',  its ideal and i have started to some degree just trying out with the dogs - tikka finally joined in and did her first little sprint - superb!!! :) and very funny, tups has loved it shes full of energy she needs to burn  - hopefully myself and tikka will get there soon !


Depression - well its a daily fight :( but im on the better side of it and despite the continual trauma that keeps hitting me im still fighting on and determined not to slip back down that deep dark pit. Menopause has added to the difficulty of coping with things and i still have far to many days of sadness hurt, pain and misery, although i dont want it showing in my blog  here any more i have no doubt it will keep turning up but i did start this blog for my own personal venting/screaming outlet and will continue to use it for that but hopefully with better things happening the misery will fade into the distance (well,  i live in hope!)
Along with coping with depression/menopause i am wanting be able to cope with all the crap that hits me, better than i have done before. I have no doubt there will be other losses (although i think we deserve a break) i would love to go through 2012 without losing anyone else :/ 
Pain management is required - pain does not help with the feeling of misery and of course it makes you feel low - it just grinds you down , getting fit should help and even losing weight so my body has less strain on it .



Im having a HOUSE CLEARANCE - gradually clearing all the stuff we no longer use wear or need - and to finish all the building work and decoration FINALLY get this house done!
I have finances and accounts to sort out, i want my life in some sort of order.

I would like a part time job - or  do some thing i can earn some money at to help out with finances - i know from my contracting that full time was far to much for me (certainly due to my health and state of mind)  so will be on the watch out for some thing.

One of my first projects has to be my art exhibition due in Feb and ive not even begun yet but will do as of 1st jan -  have a few ideas 


My other project will be to get my merc back on the road !!!


I need to help my viki get a few things sorted she also had major crap this year too bless her but shes like her mum - fighting on!!


Thats it for now - as part of my plan is also to get a decent sleeping pattern even if i dont sleep i need a routine (not only for sleep but for most things) this is all being put down in my daily plan, im listing  so i have something to follow and not just think oh yeah i should have done that and oh yeah i was supposed to be in bed or not eat that or whatever - im putting myself under control so i get to be back in control !


ROLL ON 2012 im waiting for you - and if you are the end of the world at least make my last year a good one!!!








 

Tuesday 27 December 2011

photo memories

tick tock tick tock bye bye 2011 !!!!

Im waiting - as i said before i dont want to wish my life away i just think i need closure on this year and a focus to begin YET again  - its just been such a hard year even with coming out of the dark pit of depression i was in the years turmoil could easily have pushed me back down but ive clawed into the side of the pit and held on .

~Im looking forward to starting my life again hoping i can work on any trials that come in and disrupt my life any which cause me pain and to find a way to cope with them -  but mostly im hoping i will have a new kind of life - I believe ive had more than my or any fair share of sadness hurt pain loss illness and misfortune and good times are long overdue to me and my family - im just looking for a peaceful life , a rest and some comfort.

This life of mine will  never be the same again - to many of my loved ones are now in heaven including my lovely mum and life has changed beyond any recognision
From my huge huge family, i now hardly see anyone they all have their lives and the centre of the flower (my mum)  has gone - her petals are scattered (we, her family) we may overlap in some ways but that close bond seems to have vanished, all but for my younger  sister Georgina whose trying to hang on to our family ties sadly few are there but i have told her "i am always here and always shall be" 
As previously mentioned my life has changed beyond recognition -
ME - well weight gain constant ill health  - that monster depression (which changes you whole conception of things) and that i think somewhat bigger monster Menopause (yuk)  its taken me away from me - yes i can hear me and i appear the same to myself and others (although aged eek) but inside me the person i knew - ME - has gone - absolutely completely (invasion of the body snatchers comes to mind - seriously) I hate being unfit fat and miserable
My life - i no longer have about 60+(sadly so many i lost count) of family and close friends in my life they are gone and their part in my life has gone i only have memories of them there is a huge empty area of my life formed . As each one of them were taken, an emptiness grew inside me a numb pain and void - i dont know how to fill and i know i cant replace. The ultimate as ive stated many times now being my mum - Nothing in my life will ever be the same now - most of all i knew and was familiar with has gone from my life (including me )

I now need to build a new life and a new me - All any of us have of the past are memories but i no longer have those around me that made so many of mine and no more can be made with them.
So - a new life begins, all has changed in my life , little is familiar. My daughter has a new partner and my grandson is a young man, my son lives in mexico with his new partner - my siblings have all gone their own way in life and drifted away from the family ties now mum has gone, other family and friends are no longer here.  - i know i continually repeat myself on this matter - i think some is due to the need of,  if i keep saying it, it  might convince me that they are gone!

so im waiting to close off the last 6/7 years to end 2011 and all that came with it for none of those years have given me any joy or special memories - and i need to move on!

TICK TOCK 

Goodbye to 2011 good riddence to the last 6/7 years of heartache, heartbreak and grieving

My other wish for the new year is to have my now new life reflected in my blog here - ive been trying for some time but with a life full of grief its difficult to post the positive as there is so little - but im wanting 2012 to be different for me . 2012 is said to be the end of the world - well my world has gone and i need to build a new one from the ashes and flame rose the phoenix as will I .....

HOPE ALL HAD A BRILLIANT CHRISTMAS :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL AND HOPE THE NEW YEAR 2012 IS A FABULOUS ONE !

Chrismas was very quiet just the 4 of us Viki Liam Will and myself - later Danny (viks boyfriend) came round but after many years of  never less than 10  and up to 25 people for dinner and tea, clearly only 4 was bit of a shock to our system :/
Myself and Will got up and our usual present opening didnt happen as we were the only ones there - guess things are gonna be this way from now on and time to get used to it!
I walked the dogs early in the morning with my sister Georgina, we went and took flowers to mum and dads grave - saw my brother Gerald and had a quick chat then home and dinner prep began. So a very very unusual and quiet Christmas the begining on our new life i guess.


Well - so here we go again - im waiting for 2011 to end - its been yet another crappy year and although i dont want to wish my life away i will be glad to see the back end of it! 
I keep hoping things will get better and this year has been so bad (again!) im wishing and hoping 2012 will improve only to be tols 2012 is the end of the world - WELL AINT THAT JUST MY LUCK !  (or same constant bad luck) but putting the end of the world aside my world for 2012 is gonna be better im NOT having another crappy year!!! NO WAY!


Last year started with a funeral as have the past 6 years, it went on with a lot of problems for my daughter, a lot of illness for me, worry about my son as he had become stagnant in his life, worry about my husband over working, and then of course my Mum i could see her decline very slow as it was, she was sad and unwell and tired, i wasnt able to be with her as much as i wanted as i was constantly unwell myself and didnt dare pass any thing on to her. We lost her in August :'( - through out 2011 we lost 12 family and very close friends its been a hard miserable year, among being ill myself i was still battling menopause and depression but fortunately for me despite everything  im still clinging on to the edge of that deep dark pit i crawled out of - the fight is now on to get right out of it and walk away.

There have been some good bits but for other people and ive been glad to be part of their life and know there is still some good things happening out there. It gives me hope...

Personally, for me  i cant think of any thing good particularly happening, its a daily fight for me. I am thankful for what i do have and for my family all i want is my children to be safe happy and live with ease and for us to have the stresses we have endured to ease up and give us a break!  - Finances have been ok ish  (bit on and off) as i worked for some time and helped hubby out taking some pressure off him and also having a bit extra cash i could see my daughter and grandson were ok after their problems hit, it cut down on my worries knowing pressure was off of them.  Working was a great struggle but i met some special people - i just wish i had been well and with less problems intrupting my working day.

My son flew off to mexico - emotional in the sense that of course i didnt want him so far away and it upset me he had gone but happy for him to finally start having a life again - he needed to move on things had been tough for him since his accident, hes now with a very nice girl and seems very happy. He stays in touch and i got to speak to him christmas day.

This is the first year i have NOT  had the flu or even an horrific cold, upset stomach or some other problem (have over done things and my back has flared up but i know some rest will get it right some time soon ) Im tired - errr i mean exhausted it will be good this week to sit back and rest im also indulging in the festive foods because as of 2012  the DIET  begins OH YES ! big time ... watch this space lol

So where from here - im hoping no more funerals PLEASE ! in 6 years we have lost a huge 60+ people ive been constantly dragging myself to funerals so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE no more we have had more than our fair share of loss and sadness and grieving !

The DIET begins for 2012 i so need to lose this weight and get fit , fitness is my main objective and to get fit i also need to lose this weight so as of the 1st i will be on it (and so will hubby lmao! )

This is the last year i want to be working and paying out on the house  - come on lets finish it! - its dragged on as our time has been taken with the above ^ trials this life has thrown at us but we truely need to finish the house and move on to relax in life a few holidays and sit back - we are rapidly aging and feeling it so this year is the year of completion !

My art exhibit is in February so i have 6 paintings to sort our rapidly :/

So a few goals i want to acheive for 2012 all taking time money and lots of effort (specially that diet :S) lol

BUT HERE IS WISHING YOU ALL A GOOD ONE FOR 2012  - TRUELY TIME FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER AFTER ALL FROM HERE THE ONLY WAY IS UP !







Tuesday 20 December 2011

The last one PLEASE!!!

My blog remains on the sad side due to circumstances
Tomorrow is wilseys funeral :( i so want it to be the last one - 2012 to be funeral free no more please . Alans funeral last week was a cremation - i really dont like them (wilseys is too) but there were over 200 people attended one of the few comforting things is to know how well thought of and loved they were in this life. I hope my friend Sue will do ok - shes alone now, her daughter is grown up and has her own family- this should have been the time she and alan spent together for their selves. Wilsey never married or had children, he was a troubled lad but had sorted things out for his self , I guess we will never know why he decided he couldnt do this life any more shame when poor alan wanted to live and would have given anything :(

Some one told me that i should expect to start losing people as i am now older - i can understand that but i did expect more round the 60's not at 50 and not soooooooo many soooo quickly (some so young)
2005 was the start of this my mum in hospital week before xmas followed by my son xmas eve, i still thank god today for letting him stay with us - i did ask him to take me , but i would rather be here to see my boy safe and grow up. I promised god i would give something up and did so (sorry cant explain)  although it pretty much broke my heart to do so, i would do the same again for my either of my kids.
in the next 2 1/2 year period we lost 19 family and close friends 6 years down the line we are into 60+ of them :( this year alone there have been 12  (wilseys being the 12th)  So my prayers are now that we have no more of this. That 2012 is funeral free for us - we have had more than our fair share of sadness, grief and hearbreak.
Much of this made me ill, with the addition of that dreaded menopause - so apologies for those who have read my miserable writings - i guess thats what my life has been for a long long time  Im hoping this is the last miserable sad post - NO more funerals PLEASE!!!!


Im soooo tired - this last few weeks ive had back pain and sciatica - sadly i seem to have comfort ate :( as it eased it got in control again and lost 3lbs only to catch the sciatica again and what do i do YEP i start stuffing my face - ive gone up a lb and problably more since i weighed earlier as ive continued to confort eat - seems my brain goes numb and i dont seem to know im doing it till its to late :( oh well

Im thinking i will try as best i can xmas coming on its gonna be difficult but hopefully after xmas i can begin again properly ! 

This pain is dragging me down - i need to get it under control more so than the food, im just worn out now.
Food hospital gives me hope to improve but i think to try as best i can till im well and pain free :(

Thursday 8 December 2011

out weighing ???

Well, list to out weigh whats been good this week whats been bad :/
BAD 
More bad news of bereavements - 2 more funerals to attend this year 
Expensive camera fell off the sofa in to cup of tea :( ruined
Had bad headache above my eyes for 2 days 
Beens exceptionally tired/exhausted not been able to motivate myself for anything
Just missed my 180 hit it but dart fell out
So much to do till xmas
Will lost half day of work  = loss of money - hoping it doesnt hold up weekend work.
Need to sort out my MG costly 
Major rude idiot bus drivers
Idiot jay walkers  pain in the butt next time i wont stop how rude can people be when its their fault???
Diet going up instead of down
PMT 
Been very low

GOOD
Had a nice day shopping with viki and liam
Nice chat with nick
Won my dart game (despite losing my chance of 180) 
Every thing is paid to date just need to give kids xmas money and car (car can wait for a bit)
Wills nearly finished weekend work (need weather to hold out)
Anxiety seems to have eased (not gone but eased) 


all in all ....


WAITING ..... FOR GOOD TO OUT WEIGH THE BAD




 
 

Sunday 4 December 2011

see what i mean - its just not letting up :/

Well here we go again more sad news and another funeral this is no. 12 thats one a month :( Wilsey - aka richard williams only in his 30's a troubled lad/man worked with hubby for a while was boyfriend to my vikis best friend anthea - he decided he couldnt take this life any more and hung his self last night.

Ive been so low, that those stupid scary thoughts have been close to me i can understand to some degree - depression makes you think irrationally http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Introduction.aspx but i dont know what makes some take that last step, i managed to not go over that edge although i could have done but some people take that step that means theres no going back - Angie Dowds and Gary speed took that step - 2 people seemingly to have all to live for  http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2011/11/23/biggest-loser-trainer-angie-dowds-feared-to-have-jumped-to-her-death-at-beachy-head-115875-23582438/  -http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/11/29/gary-speed-dead-inquest-hears-how-wife-found-wales-manager-hanged-at-home-115875-23597855/

RIP Wilsey sad sad days - 2 funerals within a week of each other - Dear god let this be the last one AMEN

Thursday 1 December 2011

Well that goal went up in smoke :/

Well good intentions to keep my blog on a possitive side has once again flown out the window :( - its been a struggle  because my life isnt filled with good things, but ive been trying - SADLY yet again i have a funeral to attend - my childhood best friends husband has just passed away :( senario didnt look good when he was diagnosed a few months ago with leukemia but they had got 3 donors, however they werent able to proceed due to various medical problems . Today sadly Alan (Pikey) Roach passed away :( was only in his early 50's

RIP

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