Well Martyn was buried Wednesday and here am i still crying - still upset - still hurting inside - so what do i do?
Ive tried to get on with things but just keep breaking down - i dont know why its hit me so hard. the accumalation of losing so many loved ones?? Finding out how Martyn died, i know hit both me and my brother Andrew- i cant stop thinking if only we had been in touch, maybe we would have been that one thing to make a difference - but maybe not, now we just will never know.
I really need to move on, Martyn has made me want to live my life to the full and yet i just cant move ? yesterday i thought today will be better, but today im thinking tomorrow will be .... and here i sit
I have finished one painting for the exhibit and have 5 bases done but i cant concentrate the painting finished is not up to a standard im happy with but i just cant improve it ive messed about with it but now i feel im just making it worse instead of improving it so ive left it and its 'passable' Im writing a list of things that i want to do, maybe i can look and tick one thing off once in a while maybe it will make me move....
Things are not good all round . Even without the loss of my friends and family that ive had to endure - i became unwell with stress and low blood pressure, because of this i never renewed the last contract i couldnt think straight, apparently brain fog is a symptom and boy did i have it - i just couldnt do such complicated work, wondering if i had made a mistake because i couldnt think straight, it just added to the stress - i am at least not falling over every 3 seconds now, the light headedness is only slight and on occasions now instead of fainting in the supermarkets etc. I think i needed rest, and although i was at least able to take that stress away i have had to continue going to funerals and cope with the continually upsetting news.
Money is tight - we are always short of work at xmas and my leaving work did not help matters plus a huge over spend. My viki made an unwise move of jobs and now paying the consequences, they fooled her in to believing they had lots of work when infact the only work she has had is xmas and new year when their 'normal' staff didnt want to go in! they left her 2 weeks without telling her so she is now finacially struggling and having to look for new employment, and to top it all the wages she did get were hacked and now visa is dragging its heels in repaying it to her bank account grrrrrrrrrr - I do feel sorry for her bless her she too has had a crap few years to - it seems the devil is on our backs and just digging his claws in.
THAT DIET THING
Drastic measures this week , im on slimfast and one meal - i have to i just cant stay like this i really cant and the diet hasnt been working - i have halved my intake no bread butter sugar and certainly now fast foods no crisps chocolates biscuites Nothing good healthy meals lots of veg to fill up on but i never moved - i did a detox day - was difficult - but 2 days later i lost 3lbs "Whooopie! " well you would think wouldnt you ! but 3 days after that ive put the 3lb back on i had already checked portion sizes and can not understand it just cutting out bread should have made a difference let alone all the other crap i usually eat and the massive extra intake at xmas i gained easily but when i go back down on intake do i lose any thing NO!
I dont know how long i will last on slimfast but im hoping if nothing else it will give me a boost on the weight loss. Well i dont know what else to do at the moment - and yes i am doing moderate exercise - still lots more than what i normally do.
Well - i'll have a go at doing some food for hubby and i need to walk the dogs -
All i can think at the moment is to take one day at a time however bad it is there is tomorrow - Martyn didnt see a tomorrow i dont want to get to be like that (although i have been very very close to it in the past, so i dont and wont judge him) i want a tomorrow good or bad, bad times cant be forever more ....CAN THEY ?????
]s
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