liam

liam
my grandson the yoda lol

Saturday 28 January 2012

OK - moving on....

I'm almost hesitant to say ... but here we go again trying to get on track to have a better year, i was tricked in to believing things were gonna be different this year when Ben died and then my dearest friend Martyn - Martyn's death shook me to the core and even typing now its upsetting me - just broke my shattered heart in to many more pieces and im struggling to recover, but because of how he died, its given me a determination to fight on. I cant think of doing what he did and leaving this pain for those i love. 

So with hope in every bit of this broken heart im moving on and trying again and again if i have to, to make my world, my little bubble better. Ive prayed and prayed only to be knocked back time and time again with a vengence - so im just gonna let it be, i have to take what comes i guess as we all do - ive been dealt a rotten hand for a long time now but im here and fighting on ....

So whats going on ..
Bathroom is still being done eeek! taking forever but we are on the homeward track - disaster after disaster happening with wrong tiles and discontinued tiles we have found enough to get on, in doing so its left us seriously broke :/ but we have pretty much all we need and can now get on.
We also have all the lounge tiles - necessity made us purchase them  now too - due to the last of them being available, leaving us to payout at a time we need to budget but its done now and we have enough of them!

No money eeek - hopefully thing wont be to tough but we have just had a bad weather warning of big freeze for the next month :/ typical - we'll just have to struggle through, we've done it before. It means no work for hubby if its to bad ... take it a day at a time ,

Vik is now looking for a job due to the idiots at the hotel letting her down badly - her bank is being sorted after being hacked - its been tough for her bless her - she had a bad year last year with a flood fire vehicle problems due to incompetent DVLA and insurers and liams xbox was hacked, now shes been hacked again VISA really need to sort their security out!  
But shes gonna be ok, i will make sure of that!


Nicks doing ok in Mexico - he had the flu at christmas i think it left him a little low - hes not able to work this first year and i think hes feeling the loss of his independence but now hes well hes seem more upbeat again.


Arghhhhhhhh THAT DIET !
Well ive opted for part slimfast diet and lost 4lbs so far - its not easy but i need to lose this weight - this week was hard as my friend had a birthday and i put a lb on despite being what i thought was rather good however  - plodding on and still trying!

Ive cleared a lot of paper work - done wills accounts, sorted the last of mums pension thing out - ive cleared and shredded , there is still lots to do but hey im still working on it. Suprisingly i feel better for it that ' at the back of your mind' kinda worry has lifted its helped with the stress its calmed me . I have 6 paintings to complete for the exhibit in 17 days eeeeeekkkkk! im struggling but i have to put something in despite not really being happy with them, otherwise i will lose my place and there is a long waiting list.

Well things are not brilliant and i cant say they are better but im trying again and thats a positive i didnt think i would have - especially after Martyn's death, i had a moment i thought thats it i cant do it any more, but im not going back down that dark pit ive clawed my way up and ive been hanging on the edge for a long time, im tired and worn but im digging my nails into the sides and staying at the top and one day i will be standing back up there and THINGS REALLY WILL BE BETTER :)
 

Friday 20 January 2012

I need to move on ... but how??

Well Martyn was buried Wednesday and here am i still crying - still upset - still hurting inside - so what do i do?
Ive tried to get on with things but just keep breaking down - i dont know why its hit me so hard. the accumalation of  losing so many loved ones?? Finding out how Martyn died, i  know hit both me and my brother Andrew- i cant stop thinking if only we had been in touch, maybe we would have been that one thing to make a difference - but maybe not, now we just will never know.

I really need to move on, Martyn has made me want to live my life to the full and yet i just cant move ? yesterday i thought today will be better, but today im thinking tomorrow will be .... and here i sit


I have finished one painting for the exhibit and have 5 bases done but i cant concentrate the painting finished is not up to a standard im happy with but i just cant improve it ive messed about with it but now i feel im just making it worse instead of improving it so ive left it and its 'passable' Im writing a list of things that i want to do, maybe i can look and tick one thing off once in a while maybe it will make me move....

Things are not good all round . Even without the loss of my friends and family that ive had to endure - i became unwell with stress and low blood pressure, because of this i never renewed the last contract i couldnt think straight, apparently brain fog is a symptom and boy did i have it - i just couldnt do such complicated work, wondering if i had made a mistake because i couldnt think straight, it just added to the stress - i am at least not falling over every 3 seconds now, the light headedness is only slight and on occasions now instead of fainting in the supermarkets etc.  I think i needed rest, and although i was at least able to take that stress away i have had to continue going to funerals and cope with the continually upsetting news.

Money is tight - we are always short of work at xmas and my leaving work did not help matters plus a huge over spend. My viki made an unwise move of jobs and now paying the consequences, they fooled her in to believing they had lots of work when infact the only work she has had is xmas and new year when their 'normal' staff didnt want to go in! they left her 2 weeks without telling her so she is now finacially struggling and having to look for new employment, and to top it all the wages she did get were hacked and now visa is dragging its heels in repaying it to her bank account grrrrrrrrrr - I do feel sorry for her bless her she too has had a crap few years to - it seems the devil is on our backs and just digging his claws in.

THAT DIET THING

Drastic measures this week , im on slimfast and one meal - i have to i just cant stay like this i really cant and the diet hasnt been working - i have halved my intake no bread butter sugar and certainly  now fast foods no crisps chocolates biscuites Nothing good healthy meals lots of veg to fill up on but i never moved - i did a detox day - was difficult - but 2 days later i lost 3lbs "Whooopie! " well you would think wouldnt you ! but 3 days after that ive put the 3lb back on i had already checked portion sizes and can not  understand it just cutting out bread should have made a difference let alone all the other crap i usually eat and the massive extra intake at xmas i gained easily but when i go back down on intake do i lose any thing NO!
I dont know how long i will last on slimfast but im hoping if nothing else it will give me a boost on the weight loss. Well i dont know what else to do at the moment - and yes i am doing moderate exercise - still lots more than what i normally do.

Well - i'll have a go at doing some food for hubby and i need to walk the dogs - 

All i can think at the moment is to take one day at a time however bad it is there is tomorrow - Martyn didnt see a tomorrow i dont want to get to be like that (although i  have been very very close to it in the past, so i dont and wont judge him) i want a tomorrow good or bad, bad times cant be forever more  ....CAN THEY ????? 





]s

Thursday 19 January 2012

trying to find some way forward ...

My brother Andrew and myself attended Martyns funeral yesterday - it was a  heartbreaking day but i thought having gone and said my goodbyes i would start to heal from the pain of his loss - but today seems no different.
~ I spoke to his mum, i could see she didnt recognise me and told her who i was, she was  clearly over whelmed and repeatedly said  how wonderful it was and lovely of me to attend, she then spotted andrew (who she knew straight off) and continuted to say how wonderful of us to attend, she was so over whelmed at us being there but I said of course we came, he was our dearest friend.

Although we have not seen him for some years we grew up together we were best friends and nothing ever changed that - when ever our paths crossed it would be just like we  had seen each other yesterday  - true friendship never dies

When I spoke to his dad and asked if Martyn had been ill long, he said he had seen him at christmas and he looked tired and old - i mentioned that it had said in the paper 'suddenly' Mr Beard just said - the spark had gone from his eyes -so  i left it as it seemed in appropriate to enquire further


So Martyn left us - We possibly will never know why, he could have still been here, he could have saved us this pain, but i know when you are in unbearable pain yourself its hard to think of others - maybe he didnt know it would hit us so badly maybe he thought no one cared as we do, i live with depression so i know, your thoughts are not rational . I wish he had 'come home' had taken a moment to contact us maybe a few old memories of good time might have helped - i found that he recently joined fb ive been looking for him for years on fb and friends reunited - i would have told him hey you dont have to go there, we are here -  one day Things will get better  !

Monday 16 January 2012

yes its happened again - :( RIP MARTYN BEARD

Well here i am again :'(

And YES its the same sad news My lifelong and childhood friend Martyn Beard has died -  hes only my age
part of the Churchill Crescent gang we spent all our childhood together Sue Graham Martyn me Andrew - with the addtions at times of georgina dawn mandy mark (just a bit younger but we let them join us once in a while)


Bens death hit me last week but Martyns has just shattered my already broken  heart - ive not slept i feel so sick inside i cant eat i cant stop crying - it seems to have hit me as much as my mums -  maybe as its in addition to mum and the pain has just grown to be unbearable :(. or even that its like losing a brother .
Andrew called me to let me know as i hadnt seen the obituary - hes in shock and choked too.
I looked on Martyn as a brother he was there in our house as much (if not more) we laughed and played as all kids do.  He asked me to a dance, but i was unable to go,  for a while we didnt see a lot of each other but it came that when we did we were friends as if we had seen each other yesterday and we continued to enjoy each others company - adult life kicks in and we all moved on, but real friends are in your hearts and memories forever.
I have found out now hes just joined facebook - i had (among others im looking for) checked and looked for him on fb and friends reunited but he hadnt joined any - typical i find him now its to late :( Its saddened me that we didnt get to chat and say hi and maybe enjoy some old memories together.

I am so sad - i didnt get to speak to him or see him - myself and andrew are going to the funeal wednesday to say our goodbyes  he leaves behind his wife helen and 2 sons.

RIP MARTYN (OSCAR - BOSSCAT) 
WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU AND THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD AS CHILDREN.

MY DEAREST FRIEND - PLEASE BE THE LAST ONE WE LOSE - YOU ARE GONNA BE UP THERE WITH ALL THOSE THAMENSIANS IN HEAVEN


( more photos added 13/02/12)


Sunday 8 January 2012

OK OK OK ! - IM NOT GIVING IN!!!!

SO - LAST BLOG I VENTED - IM HURT AND ANGRY AND SICK AT HEART BUT HEY - IM NOT GONNA LET IT GET ME!

Im gonna have a nice blog post - ive just read some other blogs and im envious - i want a blog like those!


So what goods  happening ?? 
Its difficult to list - my lifes full of shit but here goes, they are not major things but they add up all the little bits (this does not include the obviously huge good things in my life like my lovely kids :))


Our bathroom is finally being done - oh yes (we are kinda financed out but and currently unable to wash :/ (well in the bathroom - we do have a sink downstairs ) the aqua floor has been laid this is the waterproof layer to lay the floor tiles on (not so sure on choice of floor tiles they dont seem to match as well as the did in the shop :S ) tomorrow we start the tiling its difficult - the room is an odd shape its an old house and the ceiling slants down one end - hubby has his work cut out


Bathroom dont have before pic but have a half torn about pic lol :/ not looking good but hopefully  when finished the next pic posted will 





Its not peach its a warm buttermilk the glow of night light has made it look so peachy but its been a nice warm colour for the bathroom - it will now be more beige :/  easier to clean with the tiles me hopes ...












We have half the tiles we need for the lounge floor  - maxed out our money at a time we need it (stupid people - we may live to regret) but we always miss the bargains as we are low on money during winter time christmas always leaves us low - if we never got these now we would pay 2 /3's more its a huge amount of money extra - so we gulped a lot and bit the bullet - just need to do the same again next week :/
However they are rather nice :D and will be lots easier for cleaning - sadly we are getting older and im looking at ease in every thing we do.


My sister and i still go out on sundays to walk the dogs and go to the churchyard - tend mum and dads grave - (saw my brother gerald today.) We always have a latte and a chat - helps feel like we still have family i guess!


Even my good things have that 'but' in them a small downer - and good certainly doesnt match the bad i keep getting - i  havent even mentioned the other crap like cars finance and just general poop! but im grabbing on to each morsel of good that is in my life ---- And i will never forget to thank god for the huge blessings i do have! My kids and hubby !!!








here we go again :( OH no we are not!!!!

My new blogs not kicked in yet nor has my new year it seems  ...
Well like hearing about ben wasnt  ennough to start the new year  - my viks had her bank account hacked - her previous job didnt pay the correct wages any way - they are playing her and her new job are only using her for casual work :/ poor little bitch like us she had a rough 2011 and seems to be going like it again.

With the going of 2011, I was sooooo happy i stupidly thought as i wasnt ill, as no one had died and needed to be buried in the new year, that it was gonna be a better one.
now all this ARGHHHHHHHH

Well we're not doing it!!!
We will sort viks money out - we will pay our respects at Bens funeral, i will get over this flu/cold thing and we ARE going to have a good year!!!!

LIFE HAS GOT TO CHANGE for the better or ive got to get off - i just cant do any more, i feel sick at heart - im gonna fight on but i truely cant do this much more

Diet  - did well all week stuck to cals (couple of minor moments) lots down on criminal foods but did i lose anything ??? NO! i put on 2lbs :/ wtf!!! 
the last 2 days ive totally detoxed was hard but i need a kick start, i dont know why my diet hasnt worked this week everyone else has lost 4-5lbs  - even just stopping the xmas indulgence should have at least have stayed the same but really should have lost something, what did i do wrong i wrote all my foods down all my quantities checked everything i had on packet of crisps early in the week and on choc bar the only 'bad' foods through out - my friends had alcohol, chips, fatty foods everything ! and lost weight :'( - im hoping the diet kicks in this next week - all this stress i could have comfort ate but i didnt .


So what do i do now - begin begining again - dont think i can :/  I will plod on and see what happens 
My blog stays its usual miserable blog, cos thats how my life is STILL .


I do count my blessings - i love my kids and home and pets and hubby and i thank god for them everyday - the only good things in my life . 
HERES TO HOPING FOR THINGS TO TRUELY GET BETTER ..... PLEASE!







Thursday 5 January 2012

Really? REALLY????

OMG - someone up there surely hates me :(  i cant do another year like the last 6 :/
Yesterday i was saying as its the first Christmas that ive not had colds or flu and not had a funeral to see the new year in with  - TODAY all that changed









http://www.thamenews.net/readmore.asp?Content_ID=7243&

Poor ben guest RIP boy ......one of the most harmless people you could meet, annoying and pesty but always kind hearted and willing to help with anything - I just feel sick at heart and to add insult to injury i also have  a headache and sore throat :(
They say God only takes the good -well i think hes just about got them all, im sure he doesnt need to take so many all at once. I know people will die but really come on - give us a break!  12 through out 2011 a total of over 60 close family and friends in 6 years, it works out almost one a month for 6 years and  thats without others who we know fairly well, some who lived in out town and  grown up with and other acquaintences.

I wanted this year to be a start of something new -how can you keep getting up when your just continually kicked down time after time- how can you keep going on when your losing all those around you that you love and care for ?  Its truely left me sick at heart, i dont know if i can do another year like last year - 7th year of grieving   Come on enoughs enough!! REALLY!!!!

Sunday 1 January 2012

Happy new year all :)

Today my life begins again  - well, im working on it :/ 

Finally 2011 that shitty year has gone  and now its time to put all that shit behind me - course there are somethings you cant forget, how can i forget the loved ones taken from me, how can i forget 2011 took my lovely mum? 

But today i will remember, the good times the special memories and the pain will be pushed aside!

Well  - here we go 









Start with the celebration pics of kicking 'that' year - nasty nasty year out and 2012 is here to begin again fresh and new, all is back to normal Tuesday so im looking at diet and things from then on and today and monday im having a long overdue rest which will hopefully revive me enough to get on with things.  

















 

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My fluffy tuppence

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