waiting for something?

I have this strange feeling of waiting - waiting for something to happen i guess - not a forboding - well i dont think it is, just this odd feeling . I dont feel i can get on until 'whatever' it is has happened . I dont like it !!!


Nick is planning to go live in Mexico - i think it will do him good ! This is him with Viri the girl he has met in Mexico.

he needs to get on with life, it seems to have gone on hold since his accident and i think it will be a good learning curve for him

I hope things go well for him and he has a good life - its gonna be hard for me, i guess you think your kids are always gonna be close by , and i will miss him - but i do think he needs this - i think he really needs to begin living !

I sent my friend Deliska a bead bracelet for her wedding present - shes done a superb picture - i sent her beads : a some thing old - although i had several i chose a golden one, i know her them is yellow and white daisies - something new i got a nice new white bead -some thing borrowed i got 2 beads she has to send one back as its borrowed and she gets to keep its twin so she has a reminder of the borrowed bead - and some thing blue of course a blue bead :D i got a bride and groom a wedding cake a wedding bell and an eternal heart with a couple of other beads - its up to her now to build her story. I hope she has a wonderful wedding day and life ahead of her :)

Well i have lots to do today and i dont know where to start :/ i could so do with a cleaner few days a week just until things get sorted  here - the house has so much that needs to be done and hubby is off working every hour - my merc stands rotting :'( i cant see it will ever be done ! but i have my kids they are healthy and safe and its all i really want.

We had a superb Christmas this year - the best for soooooooo long one to cherish !

Well its 7 15 am Hubby has gone off to work and i guess i had better get off my bum and begin sorting this place out again :/

feeling oddly numb!

Found the last couple of days rather odd  - saturday i had my first good day in like FOREVER! it was nice to feel 'normal' like my old self , someone ive not felt like for so long i hardly knew me  - i know sounds odd last couple of days ive felt kinda numb - with some moments of dispair as i continually got bad news - today at work i had the feeling of - well hard luck it doesnt matter any  more - :/ i liked saturday i wish i could go back to being like that, as i used to be - the numbness is odd i  hope its not a lull before the storm or may be its a lull before better things - i sooooooo hope so

Last  week my viki got herself some cats two lovely kittens  macey and mini minx aka narnia the black one i have re-named the minx lol

Whilst life seems to go on for everyone else i seem to be stuck in the whirl of being the one who clears up and sorts out just about everything for everyone whilst they just dont seem to care about the consequenses - im to tired now - i think ive done my bit - they have to do theirs and stand on their own feet instead of mine! i want a life, and more so now that i have lost the past few years with illness and having lost so many friends and family its made me think that i may not have long left to try and enjoy this life so im looking at doing something about it !!

More bereavements :/ NOW THATS ENOUGH no more please !

Maureen Shipperly - Billy Smith both passed away last week and i have news that one of my best friends husband has 2 months to live soooooo enoughs enough ! When my nick had his serious accident, my mum was in hospital having major surgery at the same time - i lost several people i cared about within those same few months in that 2 1/2 yr period we lost 19 family and close friends (this isnt including other people i have know well ) Fortuneately god heard my prayers for my boy and he is safe and well, my mum has never fully recovered by she is still with us for both i thank god daily.
In 6th year  from the above , we have now had over 40 of those family and friends pass away - it has been just not stop ive even lost count - i was seriously ill for a long period and its been a long hard toll to recover but im getting there with help and support from my family and friends.

Depression leaves me with 'bad' and 'negative' thoughts and i use this blog to vent - it has helped often and kind comments from people who have come by has helped to so despite all the dispair i post this blog has helped get me through some rough times just by writing out the hurt and pain helped release it from me a little and made it more copeable


So thank you to those that have come by its always very much appreciated - im working on good thoughts and blogging but when every week is much like this last one its difficult

Thank you Marie xx

Thank you Marie   - i am  hoping life improves soon - its been extremely hard for a long time now, far to long. The difficult thing to cope with is losing so many family and close friends - i do look to god i know he was there and heard me when i needed him the most and he looked after my boy, i thank him daily - This week there are 2 more bereavements and my friends husband has been diagnosed with leukemia - its hard to stay positive when all you have is such bad news but im still trying and hoping i get the strength to keep fighting on. Thank you for your comment Marie, i hope life is good for you and pray that you (or anyone else) doesnt have to endure this sort of pain and loss - i truely hope you have all thats good in life, may god be with you always and thank you for coming by xxxx

http://youtu.be/U4yRsT_fPic A MUST TO LISTEN TO

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Chorus: Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

well
I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise that the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Chorus

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Do i keep hoping??

Well seems things are just never gonna get better :( its 6 years ive put up with illness, bereavements and just about any other shit that can be thrown at me so whens it gonna stop??

Its taken toll on my mind body and my whole well being, i didnt think i would get through this last lot but i have only to catch every sniffle, stomach bug as well as coping with menopause hitting me we are on repairing and replacing vehicles for the umpteenth time, its taken a fortune and my merc sits rotting as we just cant find time and money because we have to keep spending out on the vehicles that we need to earn the money to pay for them!

Nicks just hit someone AGAIN ffs! nothing serious just a bump but its a new radiator job at least and we no longer have the run a round festa as he wrecked that one too :/ Wills truck has just gone up from £200 to £530 thats only for parts (some one is seriously taking the piss!) and this is only the cars
We also had all this nightmare with viki and her car - incompetant insurance DVLA and post office at the same time she had her new leather jacket stolen, and liams bank account hacked of £89
some of its been resolved now just one more thing to sort but what an unnecessary nightmare!!!
Finances are not so hot, after losing work because of snow for months we are now just paying out on all and everything vehicles have drained us - nick and viki needed some help and we are working with no real rest no chance of a holiday and cant even get on with the house, which is a total mess everywhere! When your working every hour you at least expect some thing left dont you?

Our water heater is playing up, we desperately need to get a boiler and every time we get near something else comes up - we have been replacing pretty much everything in our house for 6 years (and some times twice) and we are still paying out on things but its not even just that we have had to pay out and replace there is always some complication with it - delivery mess ups all sorts of things just to make it hard work.

Ive been off work so no income from me ive had yet ANOTHER flu bug just wiped me out, tried to go back to work monday and nearly passed out but hopefully i will get there tomorrow - i missed darts :( and stuck in doors driving me mad as i got well i still had no energy to move.

Im not liking work this time round its not helped that ive been coping with all the other shit at home but started getting stressed at work to  :(

We had Ali, Joan and Dave die this year, just heard of some other people have died too (known for years but not close friends) i dont even get to grieve for one person before another dies and its scary!!!
My mum is frail and failing and its worrying she was 90 this year and we all know she wont be with us much longer although i keep praying cos i  want to hold on to her as long as i can. But again ive not seen much of her because i cant risk her getting these bugs.

SO ... what do i do now?? Ive quite frankly had enough, and i dont know what to do?Things can only get better??  but what if they dont? Hope is fading and i dont think i can manage much more.

A religious friend told me that god only lets us endure what we are strong enough to cope with, thats not true i dont think god would let us endure this if he could stop it  - cos i didnt cope - im still struggling and its hard and painful and unfair to have so much/many bad things happen for so long a time - it wont make me a stronger person, its broken me once and i know i wont recover from another bout, how much longer am i to endure??
I believe the devil is on my back and hes digging his claws in and god has to much else to do, to know about whats happening to me. God was there when i needed him most, when my nick almost died i prayed for his life and i know god got my boy through it and i thank god daily for being with me when we needed him most. Im guessing there are others that need that help and my overload of bad luck is secondary but in the mean time this devils claws are digging deep :(

Im back to work tomorrow - tired and fed up and dont really want to go but need to not only for money but i dont like to let them down, i think im well enough now, just hope i can get my head working :/

so im off for a bath if i can get some hot water and try not to drown myself but relax and take a deep breath begin again and keep on hoping?? i hope so!

Its been a while :/

Well, its been a while since i last blogged

Too busy to tired - today im ill again yep AGAIN not good :/

Some flu like thing :( sooooooooo not  happy work must be really pissed off with me !

Had my 51st birthday, and viks 32nd the next day she had some good news in resolving one of the DVLA's mess ups so pleased for her one more hurdle bless her but we will get there.

Nick has had a month in mexico and wants to go back definately smitten by Viri.

Wills beloved pick up is costing us damn vehicles all we do is pay out and the most precious one sits and rots grrrr

well thats it for now gonna have a spy at other blogs see how peeps are getting on then i need to nap again