Ive noticed ive not really given a clear back ground of how i became ill so here is a short 'ish' note of whats happened to me.

The last 4 yrs of my life has contained a lot of trauma amounting to 27 bereavements to date 19 of which came in 2006~2007 and hit me (and my family) badly at the same time i had my mum in hospital with a 50/50 spinal op 4 days before xmas, after the long worrying days i had just got her in to a ward from icu, home at 9pm, phoned family to let them know that she was doing well, (i had also had to deal with my younger sister who had been hysterical over mum) finally sat back hubby had gone to pub (i was to tiredto go) when at 12am (Xmas eve morning ) my sons girlfriend (at the time) phoned... screaming down the phone, totally hysterical shouting that 'nicks still breathing nicks still breathing' for a long while it was all she would repeat, finally finding out where they were i grabbed my car keys, hubby had just come in a little worse for wear and was going to bed, i called him down and jumped in the car, no shoes money or anything and drove to the scene, the police told us he was on his way to hospital. On arrival we were immediately put in the relatives room, working in a hospital i knew what this meant and felt immediately sick my heart sank , then for 5 1/2 hours we were told next to nothing :( apparently he spent it fighting for his life. ) One thing that stays with me is the thought that had he died they had left me in that room and i would not have been with him :(. Thankfully he lived, we were so lucky and i thank god every day for letting him stay with us.
He had a long recovery, severe injuries and complications, some short term memory loss, double vision, and most of his shoulder shattered which will need repair later.
His girlfriend decided at the time she would start an affair albeit she was living in my house with my son and he was seriously ill and i wont ever forgive her for that. she could have waited and she could have left my home whilst cheating on my son!

Many other things have happened, to many to list it just seemed it was never ending one tragedy after another : Among the many losses of people we loved i lost someone very very special to me and its been so hard knowing hes no longer around :((. of all the losses ive found his loss hardest to bear in addition i know even though my son is doing well the near loss is still with me and is still painful.

When nick came out of hospital and mum was recovering i finally broke down exhaustion and cronic fatigue had taken its toll and i collapsed . its been a huge fight to become well and im still fighting, i think in addtion to depression i am pre-menopausal as some symptoms ive have are different from any i have previously experienced in depression although this depression hit me more so than any other i have had, but i think it may have been worse because of the combination of both.
The worst feeling i have is a sense of loss of myself and i know now that im not going to get 'me' back, i think to some degree ive been in mourning for 'me' as well as everyone that ive lost :S

Many, many more things have happened the whole 4 years have been so unbelieveably horrible and ive been dogged with illness as well as suffering from the depression. At one stage i was unable to function at all, after 6mths of not working i decided i wasnt going to be well enough in the short term to return to work and gave up the job i loved as ward clerk on emu at the local hospital, a decision i didnt make lightly and i have missed my job so much but even now im unable to cope with working and it wasnt fair to keep them haning on.
Im back here now fighting my way out and although ive moved on and slowly improving im still currently in a kind of limbo, a grey area but im still fighting and more recently i feel a strength building in me and though it keeps getting knocked im at least now getting back up :)