Glad yesterday is over and out the way, so hoping that's it for funerals this year!
I'm so tired, I've only just got warm, it left me unable to play darts last night and this morning i have back ache from being so tense trying to get warm. The funeral yesterday was a very emotional one, i felt it showed how loved she was quite a few of late that i have been to have seemed to impersonal and emotionless that it made me wonder if anyone was gonna miss the 'dearly departed' but i know for sure Kath will she had a warm and heartfelt send off, which made me feel quite sad for those that didn't get the same.
But..... back on track today going to do slim fast for the rest of the week to give myself a weight loss boost. I am this morning still very tired, restless sleep was caused i think from being just over tired and I'm needing to have a better rest than I've managed so far. Being so unbelievably cold yesterday just put everything out. i hadn't eaten properly and binged when i finally got food at the wake. I have back pain today from sitting so tense trying to get warm, its actually a relief to be warm once again for a while there i thought i was gonna stay frozen for the rest of my life (yeah dramatic i know) but seriously no matter what i did i just couldn't warm through, a hot bath finally sorted it, tiredness probably added to the discomfort which hasn't totally gone yet i woke up tired ??? so now I've had a cup of tea I'm gonna have a lay down and see if i can rest a little more.
My friend Mel is now 12 stone 12 a huge 7 stone loss shes now smaller than me which has quite put me out, not that she's now smaller than me but that I'm not any smaller in all my attempts and I'm miffed with myself for allowing all this continuous crap I've had in my life keep me from the goal i want for ME!
Ive already had to re-start my new year and it seems so unfair that I'm still struggling just to survive each day, that i cant move on and be like everyone else, go for a beauty treatment lose a bit of weight enjoy a game of darts that i truly love to play, for me everyday is dealing with yet another crisis most maybe minor but one day with absolutely nothing happening or mattering would be sooooo good.
So where do i go from here, i'm taking one day at a time and thats still the only way i can deal with things at the moment. I have got to start looking after me otherwise i feel i will be on the slippery slope down again. I'm thinking i will set goals for myself and make the best attempt i can at acheiving the things i want instead of continually over looking them or putting them on hold or even forgetting them all together.
The first thing im doing today is going to back to bed and get myself in a fit state to function ... clearly needing to as ive just sat here and thought how do it spell state and even thought does it really start with st??? i need bed arghhh
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz for now!
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