liam

liam
my grandson the yoda lol

Saturday 27 February 2010

HELLO TO MY NEW FOLLOWERS :)


Hello hello :) welcome, thank you for joining me on this rough old journey of life


wouldnt it be soooo good

Wouldn't it be so good to have a week a day or even a few moments when there is nothing to interfere with the peace and calm of your life, just seems never to let up lately, how can someone get over depression or illness of any sort when everything is so relentless?

I'm so tired, i cant think and i don't know what to do i just feel like going to bed and never getting out of it again.
Some one recently said the past is the past, but sadly its not ...it stays with you forever and even those that choose to try and forget, cant really forget because those memories are always there and just one small thing can trigger them.

I was playing darts a couple of weeks ago when an ambulance flew by, my hands started shaking for no apparent reason, i guess some where in my subconscious the memories of nearly losing my son were there , or my mum or that even someone else may be injured or sick.
In 18 days time i lost someone i loved very much and its already haunting me that the day of my loss is coming, its making me sick at heart and those around me are suffering because of my sadness :(
I am trying to not let it take over my life, but its still so raw and the grief seems to be as strong today as the day he went from my life.
But its not only the one person i grieve for because of the extreme losses we have had through out the last few years it seems almost every week there is someones loss that wrenches our hearts.
I dont think the grieving will ever cease but i am hoping i get to deal with it better than i am at the moment, sadly that day seems such a long long way away ;'(

Positive thoughts???
today its hard to think of anything much ... will try to think of something as the day goes on certainly nothing as of 10am today but its still early hope to update later :/

Friday 26 February 2010

Busy busy busy

Well the sinus is still playing up growl :( face hurts eye aches a sicky nasty tooth achey ache :(
i have been to the gym on the occasions it falsely let me think it was better lol and ive managed a 5lb loss this week diet was under control till thursday but hopefully my little binge not done to much damage and im back on it today and gym with the girls in a bit

The art show did well i sold 5 of 6 so well chuffed made a nice little amount of money, they were quickies, but my style seems to be popular as ive decided for shows to keep them simple and neutral. I try to price fairly cover my costs time and a little profit, they got a bargain this time cos i didnt have so much time to spend and felt a little guilty charging to much when actually i was very happy with the results and clearly so were they lol :)

in between show gym and sinus (arghh) ive tried to tidy the house what a chore :P
daughter told me to ha ha cheeky mare ... the house is pretty clean and tidy as i had a 'spring' clean up at xmas and ive managed stay on top of cleaning the only thing that is really in a mess is the kitchen mainly due to the hoard of clothes ive washed and not put away, there were a few days of clutter to clear up whilst i had been ill with that crappy cold cos those two lazy men i live with did nothing except cause mess SNARL!

Will is back to work monday glad to have him out of the way and things back to normal, hes not been around much he finds it difficult to stay stagnant so has been to the farm collecting and chopping wood for the fire been out fixing stuff and seeing to cars got a few things done and unfortunately a huge amount to still do.
Things back to normal we can begin again i hope :)

Thursday 18 February 2010

ITS A GOOD DAY TODAY :)

Today its a rare moment of my recent life and its a GOOD DAY TODAY :D

Today i put my paintings in for exhibition :D im well chuffed with my very much rushed results and it seems others are impressed the organizers have praised my work in front of other artists (was a little embarrassed) but im really pleased :D they are not full price because they are 'quickies' im glad i was able to get them done through the weeks of illness i pushed my self so as to not lose my place.

Sadly the photos do not do the paintings justice, you can not see the texture of the oils nor the fine detail and metalics added and even the colouring is not true to the actual paintings but this will give you some idea although not seen in all their glory :/


The show is over the weekend although i get to got to preview last twice i sold 3 paintings on that night alone that is to other artists and exclusive clients :) whooo hoo lol







Im not quite over the illness had sinus all last night playing darts :( and woke up today with a stiff neck which has been sore all day :/ grrr i hoped to go to the gym but no way so doing it tomorrow with trace and maybe vikki.
I am rather annoyed re: darts
ive been winning and all of a sudden the rules seem to be changing , the rules of winter season is if you lose you get dropped which whilst others won and got a game it seems it was ok to drop me on any losses now its their turn its oh we will do a draw to see whose dropped ERRRR NOT ME I WON and have done the last few weeks im afraid i will leave the game i love to play if thats how it is. Sad as i will find it i cant allow them to change the rules to suit them and why is should i, i got dropped even when i won the previous winter season and i was dropped 2 weeks in a row it seems im an easy scape goat when the difficult choices come cos someone hasnt played well and has missed on a few games. Well im not having a repeat of last year. Through out the summer season i played badly and im sure it was the disappointment of being cast aside when i won whilst others enjoyed the glory and got to play every week. I dropped my self many times through the summer and didnt get an extra game which is as its done on summer season the games are equal to players!
Oh well guess we will see what happens but my days of being trod down are gone !!!

Friday 12 February 2010

Who would believe another cold :(

Ive been tested for every thing blood is fine blood pressure is spot on blah blah etc. etc...done full mot... so why am i catching every bloooooody germ around?
I know that mega flu i had (now some years ago) did knock it out of me (i thought my number was up for sure ....:S so did hubby) it too a while to get back up and running from it but i believe ive only been at 80% since then... i was only 90% anyway after the birth of my son ... he knocked everything out of me to lol bless him. Having my daughter my hair shone skin was perfect and glowing and no one knew i was pregnant my son i swear from the moment i conceived i was ill everything i looked at made me sick i put huge amount of weight (thankfully water which disappeared a week after birth and thankfully back to a completely flat stomach and no stretch marks phew!) my hair was lank and horrible skin dry greasy and spotty right old state! i always thought i never quite got back to 100% then few years back the flu i had just kicked my butt right out the window.

So ive not been here for a week, i had such a bad weekend really really low crying for nothing and everything then the cold hit me and now yes that really nice thing the PMT :/ for goodness sake. Nothing wrong with me the doc says ha ha so why am i constantly coughing wheezing sneezing sore throat headache runny eyes nose and ear aches or vomiting upset stomach ??? I know im low, i know my immune system took a knocking but BUT come on its like forever now !!!!
Im all bunged up but headache has gone ears are slightly sore throat was like i swallowed razor blades yesterday and i couldn't move my neck but bit better today. I did drag myself out to darts ... didnt want to lose my points but i had felt a little better wednesday headache had eased ... whilst i was playing my game an ambulance went flying past and it nearly cost me my game i just started shaking i guess subconscious memories of nick, but it took a while to calm myself fortunateley the other player couldn't get out and i had been way ahead. I am left wondering why after 4yrs i just went in to shake and panic mode oddly nick never popped in to my mind till i started annalizing why i was shaking at the sight of the ambulance? but i knew that was why. I guess i wasnt really well enough to go out although i did win but i was worse the next day and have suffered for that night of errrr enjoyment shall i call it ?? ummm?

So all i have done is lay and sleep and sneeze and sniff and eat chocolate (to help the sore throat of course!) so diet out the window yet again and no gym despite certain people thinking i would be going even though ive not breathed through my nose for a week ? what!!!

My house is a mess I know nick and will work but i am ill and its their mess ive not done anything except lay in bed and a few and very far between cups of tea so where has all the mess come from NOT ME lazy gits have done nothing but wreck my home ARGHHH they will pay when im better he he revenge is mine :P

Saturday 6 February 2010

things getting better ???

Its been a very hard week since the funeral, i have slipped down the hole and its scared me... mainly cos i couldnt stop myself, every little thing has seemed a major incident, im such a misery i feel for those around me not that i think all that i say and do is unjustified, some, just should have been more thoughtful not only to me but all round!
I have found a new web site to help me sort my diet its free and almost as good as the previous one i paid good money for ... i like it and im monitoring what im doing although not always on track at least i know im not !
Tracy wants to go to gym, i've not decided yet im still low and yes i do know exercise helps with the happy thingys in the body.
Im still annoyed and i dont wanna go back to hanging on others i may go but im doing my own thing and not being messed about!

I went out for a while with will and had a drink i feel a little better for it, tups came down too, landlord is one of a minority that doesnt mind dogs in the pub.
Im feeling quite tired but cant sleep (yes have tired, only so much laying in the dark you can do) im at least warm again but i ache all over, just feel im going down with some thing. I want to sleep!
Im so sad at the moment and dont know why i cant think straight everything just seems so pointless and nasty yet i know its not.

What am i do, what a state to be in at least whilst ill i was oblivious, when well of course its all different anyway, but this grey dark middle nothing area is driving me mad!
guess i will try bed again night peeps have a good week :) im gonna try to X


where are my friends?

So where are my friends that are usually wanting me to do some thing for or with them, guess they didnt like the e-mail well who cares im not here for their beck and call drop me cos they've found some thing better to do and dont have the decency to tell me... some friends i have!

Well im more positive today and the fact my so called friends clearly dont give a damn has made me more determined to show them i dont need them either. Ive never been reliant on anyone but i do expect some respect, i dont expect to be used for their conveniences and i dont expect to be dismissed like i dont matter, well i matter to me! they can do the gym on their own in future.


I think i may wonder out tonight wills not been out for ages money has been short i will be so glad when things get back to normal. Well fed up with things at the moment and little support, ironically my support comes more from those far away than those close to me.

Im still feeling really tired, i soooo hope im not going down with anything, just cant shake it off, everything is such an effort i cant explain how hard it is even just sat here, sounds ridiculous doesnt it... how did things get like this? when ill it didnt matter when well i was able to get on with things but this inbetweenie crap is horrible.
As ive said many times im aware of how miserable (more so in my thoughts and writings) i sound but when with friends im probably not as miserable as most of them, maybe its time for new ones ? definately need to change this life i have but where and how etc ... Is this it for me??? god i soooo hope not !

Friday 5 February 2010

Calmed down now!

I've now calmed now from earlier ... people wasting my time grrowl

I have spoken to other friends and they have made me feel better, the friends who let me down have had an e-mail just to let them know im not happy nothing nasty but just letting them know ... almost dont call me i'll call you lol ... well not quite :D will at least make them think

Ive decided to leave the gym this weekend (let me calm a little more :S) Having put on another 1 lb i decided i would re look at diets that would suit me and i found a great site free and keeps tag on what you eat and every thing last one cost me £35 think i could have saved myself £35 as this is almost identical im well chuffed to find it i can now monitor myself better as it calculates everything for you whoo hoo so here i go YET YET AGAIN lol

im still rather tired so gonna go to bed and hopefully tomorrow things will look better at the moment i am kinda low i think its from the funeral i got cold hungry and was tired also it was a very emotional one and upset me, i believe it upset me more than i thought!
its definately put me on a low which i cant be doing in my state, talking to my friends have stopped me dwelling so gonna go rest and see what tomorrow brings x night all

:/

Those i keep relying on seem to keep letting me down :/ i have not asked for anyone to help me in any way, but in the weight loss thing i was led to believe that certain people wanted to also lose weight and we would persue it together, but time after time there is an excuse and because of it i end up not going. I had intended to go to the gym this morning, neither Vikki or Tracy were going so i thought i would make the effort on my own, but Tracy said she would do swimming so i put it off she let me know 20mins before going that she wasn't :/ grrr im sooo annoyed this keeps happening i dont mind gyming on my own but prefer to swim with others and will didnt want to come. It was late to consider gym 8pm is my latest, So once again ive done nothing! I felt quite tired early evening so decided as i was swimming i would have a little nap/rest, will woke me and i washed and got ready for nothing AGAIN!

Im thinking of knocking the gym thing on the head, im now heaviest ive ever been and £1000 lighter in my pocket (could have spent on my car :( ...)
Am i wrong to be so upset, but i keep being let down like this i know others have busy lives and more to do than i have but why say things when they have no intentions i could have got on with things i wanted to do, it has upset me and quite angered me. Tracy came on facebook and i had to switch her off i couldn't speak to her about it, i would have said to much :/

I needed some support and its all been nothing more than talk and good intentions, but also i would have made other arrangements but because of them i didnt thinking i was swimming tonight i was even woke up from a sleep i really could have done with. I needed the support more today as i got weighed and the dreaded scales gave no good news ive put on yet another lb since starting my diet huh? whats that all about :'(

Can i think of a positive thought at the moment being angry and upset?
gonna try .... ummmmmmm ummmmm

My viki thinks i should keep the painting for the exhibit that i like without any prompt she told me i shouldnt sell it :) even offered to get me another canvas so i can attempt another ... its good to get some praise it had been self praise till today ha ha ha

think thats about all i can manage today will try to keep that in my mind instead of fuming about the gym !




Cabbage soup diet ???


  • cabbage (chopped)
  • onions (chopped)
  • canned tomatoes (chopped)
  • green peppers (chopped)
  • carrots (chopped)
  • celery
  • mushrooms (thick sliced)
  • beef or chicken bouillon
  • water
  • salt, pepper, parsley

Cooking

Sauté the onions in a pot with cooking spray; add the green pepper, cabbage, carrots and mushrooms.

Add the bouillon cubes and about 12 cups of water (if you don’t use bouillon cubes, season with parsley, salt and pepper to taste), cover the pot and simmer for at least two hours.

No ... im not doing the cabbage soup diet ... im not into fad diets and extreme dieting although i probably could do with a major diet boost. I do have a confession though :( whilst in denial of ever doing extreme diets this week i have done 2 days of slimfast which is only meal replacement for breakfast and lunch i have eaten a hearty dinner, i just felt i needed to steer away from the bread butter and cheese thing and found it was the only way i could control myself. However, I am not doing it as a diet . I am doing one more day and thats it (also i have no money to by any more lol) its not some thing i would normally even consider but needs must i didnt know how to stop myself and the only way i found was if i didnt eat arghhhh or go near the dreaded food ....a meal replacement left me with at least some thing (i think :S) and i am hoping i am now broken of the bread cheese and butter thingy ... we will see !

The reason for the cabbage soup is because a friend is doing it for a week she gave me a sample of the soup WOW its yummy and its no cals so eat as much as you like the diet gives you other foods to eat during the week and can be googled if anyone is interested but for me its just a yummy nourishing soup it is packed with all sorts of veggies and its tasty. Its gonna be my lunch perhaps every other day and hopefully i wont touch the dreaded bread/toast etc.

Im off for a swim later my body really doesnt want to move it still aches im sure its just from being so tense when i got so cold and because ive done little or nothing lately :S
Any way try the soup its just a veggie soup and its tasty add any veggie you want (maybe not potatoes if you want it to keep no cals )

Thursday 4 February 2010

Getting back on track!

Glad yesterday is over and out the way, so hoping that's it for funerals this year!
I'm so tired, I've only just got warm, it left me unable to play darts last night and this morning i have back ache from being so tense trying to get warm. The funeral yesterday was a very emotional one, i felt it showed how loved she was quite a few of late that i have been to have seemed to impersonal and emotionless that it made me wonder if anyone was gonna miss the 'dearly departed' but i know for sure Kath will she had a warm and heartfelt send off, which made me feel quite sad for those that didn't get the same.

But..... back on track today going to do slim fast for the rest of the week to give myself a weight loss boost. I am this morning still very tired, restless sleep was caused i think from being just over tired and I'm needing to have a better rest than I've managed so far. Being so unbelievably cold yesterday just put everything out. i hadn't eaten properly and binged when i finally got food at the wake. I have back pain today from sitting so tense trying to get warm, its actually a relief to be warm once again for a while there i thought i was gonna stay frozen for the rest of my life (yeah dramatic i know) but seriously no matter what i did i just couldn't warm through, a hot bath finally sorted it, tiredness probably added to the discomfort which hasn't totally gone yet i woke up tired ??? so now I've had a cup of tea I'm gonna have a lay down and see if i can rest a little more.

My friend Mel is now 12 stone 12 a huge 7 stone loss shes now smaller than me which has quite put me out, not that she's now smaller than me but that I'm not any smaller in all my attempts and I'm miffed with myself for allowing all this continuous crap I've had in my life keep me from the goal i want for ME!
Ive already had to re-start my new year and it seems so unfair that I'm still struggling just to survive each day, that i cant move on and be like everyone else, go for a beauty treatment lose a bit of weight enjoy a game of darts that i truly love to play, for me everyday is dealing with yet another crisis most maybe minor but one day with absolutely nothing happening or mattering would be sooooo good.
So where do i go from here, i'm taking one day at a time and thats still the only way i can deal with things at the moment. I have got to start looking after me otherwise i feel i will be on the slippery slope down again. I'm thinking i will set goals for myself and make the best attempt i can at acheiving the things i want instead of continually over looking them or putting them on hold or even forgetting them all together.
The first thing im doing today is going to back to bed and get myself in a fit state to function ... clearly needing to as ive just sat here and thought how do it spell state and even thought does it really start with st??? i need bed arghhh
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz for now!

Tuesday 2 February 2010

wow wonders will never cease???

Sister Sue with hubby larry ... guesses on age? clue in my blog answer at bottom ..v...

Ummm my sister called in today ... Sue my elder sister by 12 yrs called in my house today, shes not been in my house for 10yrs and noooooooooooooooo its not what your thinking the family row thing ... we have always got on well we are very much alike and of similar minds.

I'm 2nd girl of 6 boys (8th of 10 - 1 boy after me and one girl) ~Sue was the only girl for 12 yrs in our family and then omg an interloper a girl was born after 7yrs (gap between my and next brother up) of no other children, not only is there suddenly another addition but also its a girl ... sue has often said she is jealous of me , I've always in return said why~???? i realise i was probably a novelty of my time and even put her nose out of joint, but she has said it was more than that.
I became my dads favourite, im not sure if i took that away from sue and as i grew i clearly matched her (as she seems to have thought) in all that i did and even some times better, these are her words not mine.
I've never sought to compete she was my lovely elder sister who was almost a mum to me, its some thing that is inside her not me.

When i was at school i never had a decent coat, Sue won £80 on bingo a huge amount of money for its day but she needed every penny however, she spent a large sum on buying me the most gorgeous coat :) I've never forgot, i remember from very young my first barbie doll had only the clothes she came in, Sue who could only knit squares made me a whole out fit lol, out of tiny squares she knitted from wool (from old jumpers unravelled) i had the best dressed barbie in town!!! lol a bobble hat (square turned into a cone) 4 squares made a jumper one oblong made a skirt and so on my barbie had pillow cases and blankets all from squares pmsl!

As will and myself grew more prosperous it didn't go down well with sue and jealousy took over, she stopped phoning and stopped coming over only because she though i might have some thing better than herself, she didnt know she just thought i might have and didnt what to see that i had if i had! she had absolutely everything for many years i had 20yrs with very little and when i finally got there she got jealous.?
The last time she came to my house was my 40th birthday 10yrs in june, despite passing me everyday to go to my mums house, shes never called in. I'm not sure what bought on today's visit? she has bought in the flowers we have put together for Kath's funeral tomorrow but she didn't have to do that... i will see them tomorrow anyway?? an excuse ?? maybe!

Actually, tonight we have reminisced (and moaned) and had a good banter and quite a lot of drinks :S lol
i hope she doesn't leave it so long next time i don't think i have more than her I've never thought myself Superior actually i have always looked up to her (and told her so) she is i know very insecure, shes not had a good life probably a little worse than mine bless her.

It was nice to have her here she even took a look at nicks room and praised it whooo lol
hard for her i know , im not taking the micky just shocked i guess.

I really enjoyed tonight, i miss her company, jealousy is a seriously bad thing and i don't know what i ever did to cause it ... just being born i guess? but we have always been on good terms, despite everything.

Although many think i look like sister georgina i am most definatley like sue in my ways we have the same taste the same mind set on how we see things (maybe this was the threat to her)
i have a deep sympathy for her, and an immense respect for how she's cope with the hardship in her life, she has suffered severely too with depression although she seems to have has eased a lot better than myself, through menopause ....although the the full impact has yet to hit me i think :S Arghhh !

Maybe, just maybe this new start to my new feb new year is gonna be better... tonight it was a begining :) !
Sue will be 62 this year ...yep old age pensioner with her bus pass lmao who would believe ? wish i had worn so well :S

My fluffy tuppence

My fluffy tuppence

tuppence

tuppence