CALM - breathe deeply

So im trying to move on - today is a better day, still sad, still upset im still struggling and still angry i let myself be fooled again by so called friends 

HOWEVER,

 I am moving on - I've got my paintings done for first exhibit, whilst down down met my sister we hadd a coffee and chin wag :) she seems to have the same luck as me with people - treated like crap, i think we are to easy going so they think they can take advantage and when we pull them up on some thing they are shocked and clearly dont like being caught out as users ! 

One thing my dad installed in us is fairness, we were taught to help the 'under dog' to care for people, to help where we can for no self gain - WELL DAD - IT DOESNT WORK we just get trampled on by all and sundry. They also have the nerve to blame us for their faults, their bad behaviour all because we say 'hang on a minute' and they dont like it! 

So yep im venting again, it helps me and thats what my blog is for.

I went today and visited Martyns grave, had a cry and told him 'i knew how he must have felt, i have been there - but unlike him i wanted to stay here, yes its lonely and painful, but i want to live i want to go on and try to improve my life for as long as i have it' I asked if he could help me, i asked my mum and dad and ive asked God, im trying to help myself but some times you just cant do it on your own and i need help, i need help now.  I dont have any friends certainly none that  i can trust let alone depend on - all i have had in that department is betrayal so - i go onward alone YES i have a family but they are grown doing their own thing and  hubby well, hes a work a holic :/  hes around but he doesnt really understand. Also hes enough on his plate, hes the only bread winner, the people we have lost has effected him to some were his familly his friends. 

So here i am working on things wishing this pain and heartache would leave me and let me get on instead of pulling me continually down. I so wish i had people round me that didnt add to the distress things are truely bad enough!

SO...... The diet 
Well today i got back on track - shock yesterday with a lb gain and i am sooooooooooooo not going there !!!! i did jog yesterday and dug and raked  the allotment couldnt move much today lol but diet is back on track after bit of a binge, self sabotage weekend. 

So optomistic need to crack down on some more exercise and keep in check with what foods im eating

My paintings are done! already for the 18th may exhibit (only 4 to display due to shortness of time ) 
I have canvas now and started a couple for the 9th june  Beer festival run out of white oils so need to sort that tomorrow. I have a few others from previous exhibits that will go there too 


Still lots to sort out - trying to keep up and replenish finances, working out a plan and feel better for doing that. Its helped with the likes of putting thing in more focus and importance instead of scattered and lost and forgotten until some thing is 'to late' or otherwise.


My tups and nicks birthdays coming up Tups will get a treat bless her,  My nick is in need of some dosh so will send him as much as i can