DEFROSTED At last snow is thawing, its gone from the houses and trees just a sprinkle of the stubborn stuff hanging around BUT its also raining hmmph ah well i wouldnt expect anything different from Britain!
So what to do today ... really really got to get cracking on those paintings and i need to send off my CV to the jobs ive applied for, with a sad heart i must say. Im not sure if i am ready to work, i feel its only out of guilt of Will being left with the financial burden, im worried if i cant cope it will knock my confidence and i may slip down the dark hole again. I would like to have a feeling of yes lets go for it but i dont just a kinda fear inside, the reason i feel sad is that i feel im not ready how much longer before i get to that stage where my life gets back on track instead of sitting here struggling to do the simplest task. I am thankful daily that i am now at least up and about but there my favourite thing sits waiting for me to finsh (painting) and i cant get on and im thinking i can go back to work???
Well i will try ... we need me to be working i cant let will take the strain much longer, it may have been ok but for the recession and this last few weeks have shown how hard it is without my wage to back his erratic one.
Our next mission is the funeral of my brother in law (wills sister's hubby ~ she lost her life 2yrs ago to cancer :( ) Both annie and spiv were in their mid 60's and thinking how quickly it seem i have come to 50, i keep thinking i dont want that to happen to my family. I've never smoked, not because of the issues with smoking i just never got in to it, like all youngsters i tried it but where as my friends all kept it up i really couldnt see any thing in it other than it made me smell , until recently i stayed fit, i was a gymnast and 7 stone weakling, i hate the weight gain but not been able to tackle it due to illness NOW is the time! I see my mum sat in the chair unable to pop to the loo, unable to get up on her weak legs because of her weight, i want to be able to lift myself out of a chair and if nothing else go to the loo but i wont if i dont get my head round the diet and exercise thing! People keep saying ' oh your not that fat' well im not yet but i am almost double my previous body weight and thats a lot to me, i never thought i would get to this weight so i can just as easily get heavier and i know from what i already have put on that its damned hard work to get off !
So here i am still moaning depite that nasty snow thing going ~ can i count that as the first good thing ? im almost afraid to tempt fate!
At least i can now blog and rant, it does help me a lot and i can see how miserable i sound but i can also see i am improving, it may not seem to others because they are not aware of how dark my life has been these last years (goodness knows what my blogs would have been then ~ facebook status's tell a story of that)
I often come here intending to put the good things that have happened but ive not had a day when there hasnt been some thing awful happen that it washes away that tiny moment of some thing good.
Im gonna try posting one good thing each blog :S hmm and possibly more if its possible!
Todays good thing/s:
The snow is thawing :) sorry its the only thing so far today
Well im off to do the daily chores, having had little sleep last night (finally slept at 5 40am awake at 6.15 :S) im finding it hard to get going but needs must !
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