A new begining ... contains some sad content .. but also some positive !
The big 50 is on its way this year, how does it seem only yesterday i was whining about being 30 yet alone 40 ... as a youngster i looked young for my age as my daughter does. Always the one asked about my age (often being the only one of age lol) Since hitting 30 i felt i was deprived of 20yrs not only did i lose that 10yrs younger that i had enjoyed but i also caught up with my age.
Where everyone seems to fall apart at the seams at 40 i did at 30 i hated turning 30 and watched my gradual down fall. When 40 got here i was really in my 50's i seem to age quicker than anyone ive ever known ive been ill constantly and the last 5 yrs of the 40's have been a real nightmare. Early 40's i had the flu, (and some ) i was laid up for 3 mths i had every thing and its mother im not kidding .. 5 chest infections ear infections throat infections eye infections, sickness and upset stomaches pleuresy (sorry not sure of spelling) bronchitis pneumonia (twice whisked off to hosp) and anything else you can name i had it :( ~ i always said i never felt 100% after having my son but after this flu for some years i barely got above 50% my friend describe her flu as so bad she wanted to die i told her mine was so bad i didnt get the option i thought my number was up !
As the 40's progressed i struggled on to get well but dec 2005 hit me with the biggest rock it could. Xmas eve morning (12am barely morning) i had the phone call you never want ~ my sons (now ex) girlfriend Helen phoned hysterical screaming down the phone 'Nicks still breathing Nicks still breathing' 4 days before xmas my mum then 85 had gone in for a major 50/50 op on her spine near her brain stem, my younger sister was hysterical long before she went in. My older sister had helped until xmas when she was booked to go away (7 useless brothers no where to be seen ). There i was having to sort everything and cope with mad sister also. i had got home 9pm the night before xmas eve hubby went to pub i was to tired and phoned around the boys (useless lot !) to let them know mum was out of icu and recovering well. Hubby had just got home the worse for several pints when i got the call, grabbing keys while screaming at him to get his trousers back on i ran to the car with no shoes no hand bag and hubby with shoes in hand i zoomed off to the accident site where i was stopped long before the scene by two police officers . I jumped out of the car explaining and they told me Nick was on his way to hospital. At the hospital we were immediately put in the room i knew was for the worst news. For 5 1/2 hours we were left numb and in shock and told next to nothing about our son for which i cant ever forgive the hospital staff ~ what if my son had died and i hadnt been there with him? its the thing that upsets me still. Eventually the doc came out and told us the news and finally let us in to see him. Nick never stablised untill boxing day and then a long long road to recovery. i phoned hysterical sister at 8am when the finally decided to take nick to icu the only thing i had was my phone cos i had left it in my pocket, my hysterical sister changed in a moment and was there not only for mum but for me. Hubby had gone home to collect money shoes etc and had to ask to be let out of the car park as we had no money with us to pay for the parking :S they of course understood thankfully. before hubby returned my sister was there, to this day i will not know how she got there so quick.
During the next 2 1/2 years we lost 19 familly and friends, fortunately mum and nick are ok but i did lose someone i loved deeply my friend and i still weep for him now. I worked in a hospital on emergency medical unit and actually liked that i was one of the first people bereaved families had contact with that i was able to help them in any way i could but after nicks accident mum and losing family and friends i could no longer do the job i loved so much and after 6 mth of illness i had to leave. I initially suffered from exhaustion then cronic fatigue rolling in to depression but in addition to that i believe i am pre menapausal, this i think being the reason the depression was so severe.
I always considered myself a strong person and there i was sat on the stairs ready to go down town and couldnt get to the door i was shaking and several times physically sick ? i sat saying to myself wtf!! dont be an idiot ?? but something stopped me. My dr was brilliant i went for the pill, but i clearly didnt look right cos she leaned over held my hand and asked if i was ok, well thats when i broke and since then its been a long long dark journey to get back to being 'normal'. The menapause i believe is whats left me with the feeling that i will never get 'me' back
There is something gone from inside of me, i dont seem to have any dreams wishes hopes.
This is my year its a new year 2010 and i will be the big 50 im not out of the woods with depression or menapause but i am getting there and now starting to fight
back.
SOOOOOOOOO goodbye bad stuff up .... As of now im looking after me, botox may be required to get those lost years back, i dont care what people say, if i have to grow old i will do it at a slower pace than the last 20yrs ..im on my weight loss plan and determined to do it this time, im not expecting to look like my daughter (even though i feel robbed ) but im not gonna look 60 in my 50's so there ! Here i begin........
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