These are my shoes

I'm already aware that im miserable, having just been told so by someone who assumes im unaware of the fact has upset me and angered me :
Firstly because she assumes that its some thing i have control over
secondly i believe she thinks i like being this way
and thirdly because shes not thought about why i may be miserable

Yes im recovering from depression, its not some thing i wanted but it happened and im working hard every minute of everyday for it to be different, pre menopause is probably making it a 'little' harder for me along with all the crap of life im having to cope with.

How it began is a long story but as brief as possible heres my life :

Im no. 8 of 10 children 2nd girl my sister 12yrs older and youngest brother at the time 7yrs older i was followed a year later by another brother and 18mth after that a sister. My mum then lost 2 further children.
My dad an RAF officer during the war and a navigator on the Lancaster Bombers was in Burma most of the war and saw some horrific things , this may be part or even most of the reason he became an alcholic.
Myself and younger brother and sister rarely saw my father sober by the time we were born he was in full swing. He never beat any of us three although ive been told the older ones years before our birth would get the belt on bad behaviour.
But he was a verbally cruel man, he played mind games most of which i escaped as it seems i was his favourite, he seemed to believe i was the one with his intelligence.
Whilst it seems from what i say he was quite a monster i know it was through drink because when sober you would never find a nicer better man. I would love to have an ounce of his intelligence ( i often think this may be the other part of why he drank ... he was bored and found little could occupy him) He expected you to give your best and work till you got there, he was polite and expected you to be where as all my friends called my mum May or Auntie May i still to this day call Mrs Walker and Mrs Holden such even though im an adult and they continually ask me to call them by there forenames. He had high principles and high morals while sober. Drink changed him as Jeckyl and Hyde.

I was a painfully shy 'wallflower' of a girl swamped by my family, i often compared us to a form of the Waltons, we had few new clothes, i remember picking up my school award in shoes with heels hanging off and my skirt so worn that all attempts of sewing the hem had finally failed. The VIP of the day, of whom i had to shake hands, stood holding my hand and asked me about the book i had chosen for my prize. whilst all the other kids piled up not knowing what to do, i stood in panic, we were just suposed to bow shake hands and walk off, but i have remembered her kindness always for that few moments on that stage to take an interest in this scruffy little urchin. My parents didnt come for my moment of acheivement, they never came to parents evenings or any other time that other parents did.
Whilst stood with friends one day, deciding where we could go, My 'best friend'
almost shouted out to the others 'We cant go to Jaynes her dads a drunk'
I've never forgiven her for that, although i have stayed friends. I learned from that to get in first, i used to say sorry my dads an alcholic you cant come to my house. My family thought i had no friends, but people they knew had grown up with them and my dad and were aware of him, my friends were not and even though it was the norm for me it wasnt for them.

At a young age i married, in to an abusive relationship no excuses for him but we were both very young and things eventually changed over the years. I put a stop to the abuse many many years ago and ive now been married 30yrs. I did meet someone once during a time i was separated divorce proceedings were in place and i had been on my own for 9 mths, things didnt work out as i wanted and it broke my heart a little, i still think of him all these years later.
Life has never been easy, in a family the size of mine every single day there is some dramatic event, and ripples went through out the family even if you were not initially involved in the incident.
There is far to much to put in this blog all the pain and hurt through many years, i have always thought it made me stronger in the end. My dad always said i was rare in the fact i not only had intelligence but also common sense, it was his belief that most people only had one or the other. I was the one that sorted out EVERY THING! so i took the weight of everyones burdens, but that was ok then.
In 2005 my Mum went to hospital for major surgery at 85 near her brain stem 50/50 i had been 4 days before xmas with her at the hospital when xmas eve nick had his accident, and i nearly lost my precious son. In early january i lost 5 friends one of which was the man i had met and had broke my heart, from then on it was just a tirrade of deaths 19 in 2 1/2 years to date it will be 29th. During my life i have been continually lied to and betrayed and used by 'friends' most of whom are no longer in my life the came they took and they went, without a second thought for me!
So yes im miserable, 2005 i finally collapsed with exhaustion and cronic fatigue which led to depression and blended with the nightmare of on coming menopause. There was strong 'ME' and i couldnt get myself out the front door, i cried from when i woke to when i slept, every day was a blur. I was forced to give up the job i loved and became trapped in my home wondering why ?
I dont blame anyone reallly for criticising they dont really have any idea. The hardest thing is this is not me, im not like this but its how i am at this moment in time,
I can see why no one comes to read my depressive blog, this is for me anyway and it helps, but maybe if people took a moment and read perhaps looked between the lines they may get a little understanding.

Im still working on things getting better in my life, and trying to handle the fact that i got older whilst ill and didnt notice and now am in shock at the damage and that this new year hasnt started any better than the others, 2 funerals no income relationships ending, expensive car breakdowns etc. etc. its just not letting up but im dealing with it as best i can and although i dont smile much and my fb status are often growly and clearly miserable this is it for me at the moment. :( im doing my best
IF YOU DONT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE HARD LUCK TAKE ME AS YOU FIND ME OR LEAVE ME ALONE!
I take people as i find them and thats how they need to take me!