Thank you and begining again :)

Thank you Jo for popping by and your lovely comment, it made me cry it was so nice of you xxx (don't worry most things make me cry especially nice things :) )

So Feb 1st woooo and I'm back at the gym tomorrow and diet starts.
Things are not the best to start my new year (yet again) as i have Kath's funeral to attend but I'm not putting back the date. The dreaded snow has melted and its turned to frost tonight i am so hoping it will be gone and will can get back to work get some money coming in again (things a little on the desperate side now)

I am a little low at the moment but I'm ok will be glad when Wednesday has passed.

My positive note for today is getting started again at the gym and diet with friends Tracy and Vikki.
Also my paintings are done and ready for exhibit just drying (hopefully in time ) I'm sure they will, I'm quite pleased with them considering they are really really quickies and I've struggled to do them.. i may even praise myself and say i must be a better artist than i thought ha ha ha :D but i am pleased with the results.

And i won my darts, i smiled as i thought of Kath each time (she was previously the captain of the first team i was in) i hit good scores and the doubles i needed to win the game, think she was stood with me wednesday, certainly she was in my mind and made me think 'got to get this Kath will be mad if i dont ' lol :)


This is hubby and nick i love this photo both a little tiddly at a wedding last year. This is my happy positive memory of the day :)


I have decided to go job hunting (not a good time as not much about but who knows some thing may turn up) i feel its time to get back into the mode of things and a routine, i think a job will help in that.
I'm going to try and take tuppence on longer walks, at the moment i just pop to the nearby park for 5 mins cos its all i have been able to manage most days but its unfair on her even though she's so tiny, but i think i will also be good for me to help with fitness and diet get off my bum and out of this house (yes even in the cold BRRRRRR, so hope the weather changes soon )
After a quick snivel at Jo's lovely comment it has given me a boost to get back on the track of thinking positive, Jo has had a struggle herself and i have read her blog with awe of how she has worked on getting through things everyday, there are a few others i follow who to, are going through a nightmare of their own and really impress me with their ability to cope with it as they do. It gives me hope and although depression tends to make me look on the bleak side of things these ladies lift me out of that and show me i can do it to .

Its 1am now so gonna sign off and go to bed (have a try at sleeping) with my low mood lifted a little maybe i will sleep well
night x

These are my shoes

I'm already aware that im miserable, having just been told so by someone who assumes im unaware of the fact has upset me and angered me :
Firstly because she assumes that its some thing i have control over
secondly i believe she thinks i like being this way
and thirdly because shes not thought about why i may be miserable

Yes im recovering from depression, its not some thing i wanted but it happened and im working hard every minute of everyday for it to be different, pre menopause is probably making it a 'little' harder for me along with all the crap of life im having to cope with.

How it began is a long story but as brief as possible heres my life :

Im no. 8 of 10 children 2nd girl my sister 12yrs older and youngest brother at the time 7yrs older i was followed a year later by another brother and 18mth after that a sister. My mum then lost 2 further children.
My dad an RAF officer during the war and a navigator on the Lancaster Bombers was in Burma most of the war and saw some horrific things , this may be part or even most of the reason he became an alcholic.
Myself and younger brother and sister rarely saw my father sober by the time we were born he was in full swing. He never beat any of us three although ive been told the older ones years before our birth would get the belt on bad behaviour.
But he was a verbally cruel man, he played mind games most of which i escaped as it seems i was his favourite, he seemed to believe i was the one with his intelligence.
Whilst it seems from what i say he was quite a monster i know it was through drink because when sober you would never find a nicer better man. I would love to have an ounce of his intelligence ( i often think this may be the other part of why he drank ... he was bored and found little could occupy him) He expected you to give your best and work till you got there, he was polite and expected you to be where as all my friends called my mum May or Auntie May i still to this day call Mrs Walker and Mrs Holden such even though im an adult and they continually ask me to call them by there forenames. He had high principles and high morals while sober. Drink changed him as Jeckyl and Hyde.

I was a painfully shy 'wallflower' of a girl swamped by my family, i often compared us to a form of the Waltons, we had few new clothes, i remember picking up my school award in shoes with heels hanging off and my skirt so worn that all attempts of sewing the hem had finally failed. The VIP of the day, of whom i had to shake hands, stood holding my hand and asked me about the book i had chosen for my prize. whilst all the other kids piled up not knowing what to do, i stood in panic, we were just suposed to bow shake hands and walk off, but i have remembered her kindness always for that few moments on that stage to take an interest in this scruffy little urchin. My parents didnt come for my moment of acheivement, they never came to parents evenings or any other time that other parents did.
Whilst stood with friends one day, deciding where we could go, My 'best friend'
almost shouted out to the others 'We cant go to Jaynes her dads a drunk'
I've never forgiven her for that, although i have stayed friends. I learned from that to get in first, i used to say sorry my dads an alcholic you cant come to my house. My family thought i had no friends, but people they knew had grown up with them and my dad and were aware of him, my friends were not and even though it was the norm for me it wasnt for them.

At a young age i married, in to an abusive relationship no excuses for him but we were both very young and things eventually changed over the years. I put a stop to the abuse many many years ago and ive now been married 30yrs. I did meet someone once during a time i was separated divorce proceedings were in place and i had been on my own for 9 mths, things didnt work out as i wanted and it broke my heart a little, i still think of him all these years later.
Life has never been easy, in a family the size of mine every single day there is some dramatic event, and ripples went through out the family even if you were not initially involved in the incident.
There is far to much to put in this blog all the pain and hurt through many years, i have always thought it made me stronger in the end. My dad always said i was rare in the fact i not only had intelligence but also common sense, it was his belief that most people only had one or the other. I was the one that sorted out EVERY THING! so i took the weight of everyones burdens, but that was ok then.
In 2005 my Mum went to hospital for major surgery at 85 near her brain stem 50/50 i had been 4 days before xmas with her at the hospital when xmas eve nick had his accident, and i nearly lost my precious son. In early january i lost 5 friends one of which was the man i had met and had broke my heart, from then on it was just a tirrade of deaths 19 in 2 1/2 years to date it will be 29th. During my life i have been continually lied to and betrayed and used by 'friends' most of whom are no longer in my life the came they took and they went, without a second thought for me!
So yes im miserable, 2005 i finally collapsed with exhaustion and cronic fatigue which led to depression and blended with the nightmare of on coming menopause. There was strong 'ME' and i couldnt get myself out the front door, i cried from when i woke to when i slept, every day was a blur. I was forced to give up the job i loved and became trapped in my home wondering why ?
I dont blame anyone reallly for criticising they dont really have any idea. The hardest thing is this is not me, im not like this but its how i am at this moment in time,
I can see why no one comes to read my depressive blog, this is for me anyway and it helps, but maybe if people took a moment and read perhaps looked between the lines they may get a little understanding.

Im still working on things getting better in my life, and trying to handle the fact that i got older whilst ill and didnt notice and now am in shock at the damage and that this new year hasnt started any better than the others, 2 funerals no income relationships ending, expensive car breakdowns etc. etc. its just not letting up but im dealing with it as best i can and although i dont smile much and my fb status are often growly and clearly miserable this is it for me at the moment. :( im doing my best
IF YOU DONT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE HARD LUCK TAKE ME AS YOU FIND ME OR LEAVE ME ALONE!
I take people as i find them and thats how they need to take me!

Few more days and its feb ... begin again

Lord, I cannot find the way alone. "As I journey through this vale of sorrow, the way seems so strange and unknown; Lord, I need a helping hand to borrow, For I cannot find the way alone." -Albert E. Brumley

A horrible week and yet another to come with a funeral wednesday, that takes me in to having a funeral in my 'begin again new year starting feb ' just seems every time i try to look at a new begining it starts with a funeral :(

Just to cap off a crap week, those of you who might have visited will see my family pic at the top has changed. Neil is no longer in it, this is not because of the split from viki but because of his increasing bad behaviour, last night he was told a few truths and didnt like it much but things needed to be said. I have defended neil in some ways because it was my daughters choice to end the relationship and i truely think he loved her, but in saying that he quickly picked up with someone else and it left viki feeling that she could move on to without to much guilt and a few months later met steve.
I have defended neil because, it wasnt his choice and clearly he was hurt initially but now hes just being stupid. I decided last night to take him off facebook hes clearly using me to make comments to upset us. Actually i feel better for it i had my say and now i feel hes gone from my family and i now dont feel so bad for him.

FEB this was supposed to be my new year but not only do i have the funeral of kath impending but also that dreaded thing SNOW is back in ten minutes of driving up the road we came home to the whole of Thame absolutely white :(
It seems another shite year impending, i dont want to amend my new year date to March in case someone else dies :'(

My positive note: decided to try as best i can to do a positive note on each blog (assuming i get one lol and that i remember :S)
Today i got my paintings finished all but a few bits and bobs to touch up and im quite chuffed with the results considering they are quickies ! will get some pics and post :D

Things just aint getting better :(

I was only one hour back from my brother in laws funeral today to be called by my sister who informed me of the death of kath wyatt :( She was the captain of the first darts team i was in. Her funeral is next wednesday.
She was a large woman, when she laughed her whole body shook and wobbled which made her (and us) laugh more lol . good memories

Kath Wyatt captain of the darts team (middle bottom with trophy)
The year we took every trophy and i got 180 in a match and the double 4 which clinched the last available cup ... we also beat the top darts team of the time on the finals night play off :)
Ive not seen her for some time and of latter years its been a quick hello you ok in the street but her death has really upset me. I have been struggling with the death of my brother in law not only the loss but the loss of the hope i had for this year to be better things had started off bad and his death just shook me and the tiny bit of hope i had disappeared, kaths death has just shattered me, I hadnt expected another death and i had only just got in from the funeral. Earlier i had heard of barbara's mum dying and kath b's sister although not so personal to me, i know barbara and kath b well and feel for their loss. 4 in a week !

Surely this cant go on ... what is happening thats 29 funerals in 4yrs without the other deaths such as barbara mum and kath b's sister and others like them over the past 4yrs .... Its more than excessive, Ive had some people ask why im depressed, i think this sort of crap would rock anyones strength.

Its left me today with a feeling of fear, fear to hope for a better year ,feels like ive just been kicked down again. :(

Lord, I cannot find the way alone. "As I journey through this vale of sorrow, the way seems so strange and unknown; Lord, I need a helping hand to borrow, For I cannot find the way alone." -Albert E. Brumley

bits n bobs day

On looking at many blogs i see that most have days they do certain things and it breaks up the blogs from just a diary to a more interesting site so i have decided to have a day when i blog some thing that has happened in the past : some story or joke or anything nicer than my diary usually is :)

Car days :S
How is that years ago when we had so very little and times were very hard, we can look back and it seems quite funny :

My first car was a mini .... sadly not the lovely new silver one opposite noooooo noooo
mine was as old as the hills it started with a push button on the floor! A dark old fashion green with many a dent and the hinge of one door broken along with a large rusty hole growing bigger by the minute .


But i loved that little car :) it fitted in any parking space and i attempted to make it like the above (he he dreams of grandure) and hand painted it silver.
It lead us on holiday to weymouth where we spent the entire journey every half hour having to pull over get under the car and hit the water pump ..... and off we would trot just like the flintstones till it peetered out again !
One of the funniest times (and sadly i wasnt there oh to be a fly) was when my husband used it to get to work whilst his van was in the garage. ~ My brother (flash git ) was to pick up his 'brand new' 'gleaming' 'expensive' 'top of the range'
FORD CAPRI whoo hoo, so he hitched a lift with hubby who took him to the garage but before hubby had the chance to tell him to wait for him to open the door (ha ha ha !) brother opened the one hinged door and it fell off on to the forecourt in front of everyone
OH DEAR HA HA HA!


Being 20yrs old when i aquired it my little mini eventually gave up, hubby went to look at engine and guess what the plonker did ??? lit a match pooooooof!
up went the engine and hubbys eyebrows (hidden snigger) well what an idiot .
ironically it didnt do to much damage it was still moving on its own little burnt but workable engine when it was sold on for banger racing A RIGHT LITTLE HERBIE OF ITS TIME ahhhhhhhhhh

miserable day yet again , hmmph well whats new :( !

Well the funeral is tomorrow :( i soooo don't want to do another one no disrespect to spiv (dave pullen brother in law) its just there have been so many and its really shook me that yet another year has started with a bereavement along with the other crap it was the last straw! And to add insult to injury I'm ill again... went to see my friend vikki as it was her birthday sunday had a couple of drinks played some darts, i got hotter and hotter had all the jibes about hot flushes and my age, but my whole body ached, all my joints hurt, so when everyone decided to track back to vikki's house i had to decline. i came home bathed and collapsed in to bed at 8pm, then in the early hours 3am ish i woke soaking wet and sick as hell arghhhhhhhhh urghhhh i hate being sick, i should have known all last week i was in sleepy mode, i only sleep when im ill grrrrrr.
So with a heavier than heavy heart i have to go tomorrow with not only the sadness of losing my brother in law, and my new year in tatters again i also have to bear the cold feeling unwell :(

I keep trying to think of positive things to put here in my blog to help keep me in a positive frame of mind but there is nothing ... every darn day some other miserable thing happens :'(
My little viki came in and made mummy a cup of tea, will is floating around looking for work, he seems to have some lined up now but actually like now now would be a good time to have some and we need the weather to stay with us!
I've gingerly eaten some toast and although initially felt better for having something to
Leat i am now 2 hours later regretting it ! I'm pulling my hair out what the hell do i have to do !!!!

Sadly i am feeling at the moment that it would be good to just shoot myself ( just kidding folks~! ) its just for goodness sake! enough is enough is enough blah blah blah
I'm so exhaustively fed up with it all ~(and so are those around me )


LOOK GUYS even my images are grim arghhh !
NO WONDER NO ONE WANTS TO READ MY BLOG must make them as miserable as i appear to be :(




i feel like changing the name of my blog to 'things will never get better' all my hopes for a better year seem to have all but vanished

Impending funeral and illness has left me on a downer today so forgive me, i started with all good intentions and look where Ive ended up, oh well I'm gonna go back to bed have a long day tomorrow RIP SPIV x

Dizzy im sooooooooooo dizzy my head is spinning :S

OMG!

Does it never end ? today while shopping i nearly fainted in the shop grrr :/
Will kept me standing while I steadied myself... what the hell , I know I go dizzy getting up when low on iron and as its been happening a few times lately I started back on the tabs ... I have had totally erratic sleep, this last week been sleeping lots, usually a sign I'm going down with 'some thing' for a few days Ive felt kinda sicky but not ill and now I'm almost fainting in public ... docs next week me thinks not that they are ever much use sadly!

Had a great night at the engagement party I did have a few drinks but came home sober just didn't feel like drinking much. It was a good night, few of the young lads started to kick off and one got blamed but I always think it takes two to tango, the other never walked away and others tried to get involved and no-one actually knows which one started it but one is favoured more than the other!


My Viki looked stunning and my Nick looked really handsome I'm so proud :) two of the best looking there even if I do say so myself, (if others can favour so can I lol) I'm so lucky they are lovely kids and popular because of it.
My friend Denise and hubby wasn't asked but her daughter and her hubby was? not sure why that was plenty of room to have 2 more! think it was a bit mean
and although it was a youngsters party friends and family were there, it just seemed unnecessary to leave them out.






Photos are not of the night just randoms of my kids :) love them sooooo much






I find I get really annoyed at the sort of pettiness that goes on ... both those boys should have been told off not just one accused, and why leave one couple out of the loop ? What annoys me more is if it had been shoe on the other foot we wouldn't have heard the last of it!


So whats next ? ... tomorrow nick is cooking dinner, ha ha wish him luck hes never cooked before (well bit of pasta :S)
Things are really really tight this next week, with the funeral and cost of the wreath and no money again i don't really know what to do we need some thing very soon, like yesterday !!! I guess we will get by :/

Well its 4 47am here in England and I should be in bed but although tired and tried several times to sleep here I am, I'm starting the diet thing again Monday and back to the gym ... looks like I cant rely on friends so gonna get going on my own I so don't want to this fat and 50!
It feels all is against me on my quest to get fit and thin and I'm feeling sad again with feeling 'unwell' (tired and slightly sicky, slightly achy too) and the thought of another funeral is playing on me now too. My hope for a new year being better was wiped out immediately with the snow and no work, then a really bad pmt/pms only to be followed by yet another family death :(
OK WTF have I done so wrong to deserve this ... if as the religious people say God is testing me, well I'm sorry but hes gone over board here! I know I have huge amounts to be thankful for and I truly appreciate all of it but all this crap thats now happening well enough is enough!
:'(

End of the crap or is it just gonna trail on?

Today im feeling quite poorly

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

PLEASE, let things get better ... so January was crap beginning to my new year but maybe as of February things will change, we soooo need a change of luck:

I am pleased reading other blogs to hear of good things happening for some of those that had a bad time or/and that they are achieving their goals. It gives me hope that things can and hopefully will change, I'm not sure what i did to deserve these passed few years but i think i have paid in full and its time for things to be good for us. Its not only me who has suffered my family too pf course lost and have had to go through the bereavements my daughter has a problem conceiving my sons accident my mums operation and subsequent disabilities many friends have had trauma of some sort and all have had to cope with me falling apart at the seams :(
I kept my illness hidden as much as i could from my children so the fact they have not done possibly all that others think they should have isn't entirely their fault as they have not known the true extent, in that only my husband and Dr truly know how bad i have been. Hubby, Will has been so good (i rarely praise him as it goes to his head lol) but hes had a real hard time with me and took all my rantings and frustrations on the chin when i often hauled them at him instead of where they truly belonged. He slaves for us to give us all he can and look after us and our home and has had to do that on his own for quite some time. SO come on, please February be better please !

Another tyre flat from pot holes thats the 3rd ... the second one also hit the sump of my boys car and we were'nt aware of it and with the lost oil it damage the engine council insurers cop out is they are not liable cos the pot hole was not reported and so were not aware and cant be responsible for some thing they do not know about and can not fix. YEAH right ... i have spent some of the evening reporting about 20 pot holes so far and will report many more as i find them see how they like that and informing everyone via face book he he he thats had em!

Darts went poorly last night started off brill me and mel got through first round, we were then left 2 hours whilst other game continued and continued and continued omg! but not only that it was cold and by the time we got up to throw again we could barely hold our darts i shivered as i threw and we both threw crap how unfair we had a chance and the landlord should get some darn heating or the venue should be held else where!!! bummer :(

Right whats my next gripe of the day/week oh dear look how bad i have got :( my goal has to be to get a blog that is happy like all those i read im so envious , i read mine and can see why no one follows but also i guess this is what my blogging is about for me ... to let out all of this ...unfortunately my life isnt all happy and good things happening (i think there are others out there like me, just havent found any yet :(.. ) i feel my blog is helping me so i will have to stay envious for the time being one day i will have a lovely blog everyone wants to read
A BIG THANK YOU FOR THOSE WHO DO FOLLOW or call by XXXXXXXX MUCH APPRECIATED

Im currently very achey i did try the gym but this was before my work out of which seems to have made my joints hurt worse,i have been in extremes of sleeping first next to none for days now i cant seem to wake up all i guess seems to be symptoms of cronic fatigue syndrome how i wish i could go back in time with what i know now guess thats one wish that i know wont ever happen !
im gonna go to bed and try .... ummmm so here i go zzzzzzzzzzz lol

Back to normallity?

PHEW!

Well seem things are slowly (really slowly) going back to normal ... nasty thing called SNOW (growl) was forcast today but other than a speckle of sleet its has rained on and off, im hoping i dont wake up tomorrow with it being white :S
No income yet, things are getting a little worrying. I have applied for 2 jobs (think i have already mentioned) and would like to get the local one but hey ho see what happens.

Darts tonight .. pairs knockout im pulled out with melly, i would soooo love to get to the next round, it is so time for things to change im not asking to win the lottery ... errrr well yes i am lol i lied ! but anyway just a turn of luck this was suposed to be my year or at least a bettter year and so far its not happened.

Funeral is tues 26th im not sure i can do yet another, how awful is that but i have to bite the bit and go, its just making me sick to the stomache. I have to conjure from nothing the money for a wreath omg they are so expensive 28 x £40 no wonder im skint :(

Finshed 4 paintings ... they are simple oils large flower type things which seem to sell so im happy to do them and get paid even though its not what i like to do. Maybe when im feeling better have more concentration i can do the stuff i love to do.

Did the gym last night omg doooooooooooo i ache or what ! dont think ive felt this bad since i started but its really hit me this time and i took it relatively easy but it has been a bad week for sleep and tiredness so maybe thats it.
And so i am off to wrap mels belated birthday present as snow stopped us from getting to her for her bithday. ~And off to darts .... win please win please lol :D

Cronic fatigue syndrome

Well 4 days with next to no sleep not even feeling tired now i cant wake up omg it seems im still left with cronic fatigue syndrome which is what i started with (that along with exhaustion) on reading up on it i have all the symptoms and it can lead to depression so whilst im thinking im making it out of the depression im left with cfs which isnt a great deal better and certainly has most of the depression symptoms, apparently there is no cure and no real diagnosis in the physical nor the mind its main thing is prolonged tiredness (with or without sleep) exercise can cause nausea sickness and various other things which i have felt even in my short bouts of feeling 'well' ... a general feeling of 'unwellness' without being 'ill' also relates to how i am and there are lots more all fits i guess .. there is little to help but activity despite side effects is it seems one of the best things soooo off to the gym i gooooo :(

I do need to get active need to get to the gym so aid my dieting i really dont want to be this big by june i want a couple of stone at least ... im often unhappy with the fact i let myself get this far and not putting myself in check now its a huge amount of work and even more to stay positive. ive not weighed myself this week yet so dont know what my erratic sleeping and eating have done for the weight fingers crossed for me ' please please at least stay the same... a loss even better'

As ive not eaten very well today i decided the lovely yummy toad in the hole i have just cooked can make its way to my plate too in a small quantity with some veg better than snacking on rubbish later, i guess!

Have got my friends birthday pressies .. not quite what i wanted to get but money dictates and i need to sort an engagement pressie .. money may be best but that shows how little you spend where as a cut price pressie can at least look like you have spent a reasonable amount ... the other thing is what to get??? sales are on but they are already set up in their home its really difficult these days to get anything.
Well the clock is ticking and its time to get ready for gym omg omg !!

WOW

Whoooo hooo

Just read friend and fellow blogger Deliska's good news of a huge 60lb weight loss WOW WOW absolutely brill sweetie xxxx

DEFROSTED YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH !!

DEFROSTED At last snow is thawing, its gone from the houses and trees just a sprinkle of the stubborn stuff hanging around BUT its also raining hmmph ah well i wouldnt expect anything different from Britain!

So what to do today ... really really got to get cracking on those paintings and i need to send off my CV to the jobs ive applied for, with a sad heart i must say. Im not sure if i am ready to work, i feel its only out of guilt of Will being left with the financial burden, im worried if i cant cope it will knock my confidence and i may slip down the dark hole again. I would like to have a feeling of yes lets go for it but i dont just a kinda fear inside, the reason i feel sad is that i feel im not ready how much longer before i get to that stage where my life gets back on track instead of sitting here struggling to do the simplest task. I am thankful daily that i am now at least up and about but there my favourite thing sits waiting for me to finsh (painting) and i cant get on and im thinking i can go back to work???

Well i will try ... we need me to be working i cant let will take the strain much longer, it may have been ok but for the recession and this last few weeks have shown how hard it is without my wage to back his erratic one.

Our next mission is the funeral of my brother in law (wills sister's hubby ~ she lost her life 2yrs ago to cancer :( ) Both annie and spiv were in their mid 60's and thinking how quickly it seem i have come to 50, i keep thinking i dont want that to happen to my family. I've never smoked, not because of the issues with smoking i just never got in to it, like all youngsters i tried it but where as my friends all kept it up i really couldnt see any thing in it other than it made me smell , until recently i stayed fit, i was a gymnast and 7 stone weakling, i hate the weight gain but not been able to tackle it due to illness NOW is the time! I see my mum sat in the chair unable to pop to the loo, unable to get up on her weak legs because of her weight, i want to be able to lift myself out of a chair and if nothing else go to the loo but i wont if i dont get my head round the diet and exercise thing! People keep saying ' oh your not that fat' well im not yet but i am almost double my previous body weight and thats a lot to me, i never thought i would get to this weight so i can just as easily get heavier and i know from what i already have put on that its damned hard work to get off !

So here i am still moaning depite that nasty snow thing going ~ can i count that as the first good thing ? im almost afraid to tempt fate!
At least i can now blog and rant, it does help me a lot and i can see how miserable i sound but i can also see i am improving, it may not seem to others because they are not aware of how dark my life has been these last years (goodness knows what my blogs would have been then ~ facebook status's tell a story of that)
I often come here intending to put the good things that have happened but ive not had a day when there hasnt been some thing awful happen that it washes away that tiny moment of some thing good.
Im gonna try posting one good thing each blog :S hmm and possibly more if its possible!

Todays good thing/s:
The snow is thawing :) sorry its the only thing so far today

Well im off to do the daily chores, having had little sleep last night (finally slept at 5 40am awake at 6.15 :S) im finding it hard to get going but needs must !

Things can only get better ????? yeah right!!

WTF!!! Things can only get better? well why arent they :( tonight i heard that my brother in law died :( lovely lovely man some years ago tragically he had an accident at work and was left with a broken neck (very much like Christopher Reeve) and for some years has been confined to a life with no movement from the neck down ... just walking out on his lunch hour for a news paper when the shelving got knocked and his life was changed forever. Tonight he lost the little life he had left. ~They say god only takes the best and on the 28th bereavement we have had i can say it truely is so all those we have lost have been such lovely lovely people.

I have kept hoping whilst blogging that this year would be different and although whining about more minor things in comparison they have all the same started this year off with a low point and i guess this just tops it all.

So when are things going to get better? people keep telling me ' things will get better' well im fed up with waiting im so tired of losing people we love, i can cope with the other crap but not to keep losing people like this ~ sorry i guess its not a good time to be blogging but i cant scream out loud at the moment as its 0.45am and this is my SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMM!
If all this is sent to test me at least tell me what test it is what am i supposed to do to stop this ? Why has so many special people been taken, or hurt ?

I hoped this year was gonna be the start of a new better year, we have had 5 years of trauma and tragedy 28 bereavements my son almost killed in a car accident spiv's accident my mums spinal op and subsequent confinement now needing carers to see to all her needs, my illness and there is so much more i cant even list there is so much and thats without the fact of the lesser things, that we have paid out on car after car, all my newish appliances have had to be replaced just out of guarantee and all the other shite! Enough is enough for goodness sake!


RIP SPIV ' David Pullen ~ 13/01/10' :(

Oh for goodness sake SNOW

:( :( :( GROWL for goodness sake the snow came again last night, its hard to believe the weather men as they all continually tell you various stories and change their minds several minutes later.
So looked out today and its all white again, not that much of it had gone but it was on its way out :( so no work no money again EVEN WORSE no darts !!! dont know why, we got through worse weather than this in th 70's i never had a day off school and yet every school is closed buses are not running why not the main roads are clear ??? soon the idiots will be afraid to go to the toilet !!!:S Are we the only ones in the world with snow does every country come to a halt course not, we just have to many lazy do goody health and safety scaredy cat idiots in Britain. I cant listen to the patheticness of the news, some one posted on fb ' wow what happened to the war in Afganistan and the famines murders/crimes etc... oh i know what happened it snowed!' it is ironic that every new event is now of snow and little inbetween .... errrr wow we didnt know we had 8 inches of snow thanks for telling us doh!!!

Listing positives

Decided to list my positives ... Jo's good news inspired me to stay positive :)

Have beautiful daughter and handsome son and grandson :)
Hubby who loves me despite my failings
Beautifull little minx puppy called tuppence
A stunning home well the bits finished tee hee hee
Lovely very good friends

and in writing the list LOOK i have the best of the most important :)

Things getting better for jo :)

AHHHH am truely pleased to hear that for one blogger who ive been following Diary of a sad housewife Things have got better :) gives us all hope!
http://theendoftherainbowlifeafterbankruptcy.blogspot.com/ now known as end of the rainbow life after bankruptcy !
CHUFFED TO BITS FOR YOU JO :D

Things still not so good here but maybe on its way, Will is doing some work today snow is thawing a little although 'some' weather men say we have more to come and more freezing conditions but who knows every channel says different and even what they said 5mins before changes the next moment so im looking out the window each morning im hoping now work will pick up for will.

Ive decided maybe i should start looking, our money is tied up for another 2 yrs and its unfair for will to be saddled with the financial burden on his own. His work and pay is so erratic at least while i worked we had some back up.
Fortunately during my illness i was able to contribute through my shares but they are now on thin ground and the rest is in investments which we cant touch for the next 2 yrs. So im not sure what i will be doing but have looked and found a couple of possibles so here goes (GULP!)

Im getting concerned now, bills are starting to dribble through although not due till feb we are now half way through Jan :S, i have 2 bills outstanding and now feel a slight panic inside i've always been very carefull not to have debts but when there is no income what so ever what do you do?? Illness has also interupted our financial standing not only with the loss of my income but also in organising our money has always been up to me and i wasnt able to even brush my hair some days so how could i deal with finances? so muddled and messed up it has taken months to sort out several years of messed up accounts, only for this to happen when finally sorted.
Course it didnt help having a purge on the extension to finish nicks room, but i couldnt live with the mess any longer, and course we didnt foresee the snow and work slow up, the slow up of work is of course the worst, after all snow melts eventually (i hope lol) Will had work going in to Feb that suddenly vanished before xmas so here we are :S

Also the break up of nicks and viki's relationships nick is pining and we miss neil he had become part of the family but i guess thats life but it yet another blow and heart wrench :( to add to the list.

ONE GOOD THING ?
Well i lost 5lbs in my detox despite the nasty pmt and im on track with my diet so far, i cant gym snow prevents and im still carless ...yes i could trek down the gym but by the time i get there (quite a journey) im to shattered and frozen to do a work out! (assuming i get there in the snow need ski's at the moment lol)

Ive seen no one and heard from no one .. i have darts tomorrow, sadly i will be on water or diet coke cheapest of which, i do have to be carefull till i know something is coming in.. but its Mels birthday, then my friend Vikki's then we also have an engagement ... What the hell do you do for presents on no money?

I have to think positive and i guess things have improved some what over the past years less bereavements, i am now recovering, the house is more finished than it was the ony problem is one improvement is followed by some other nightmare begining :(

COME ON 2010 time for things to get better for everyone !!!!

:)

Whoooo hooo :) coool i lost 5lbs still a few to go to where i was a month ago before illness but im well pleased cos it seemed it was going on for no reason, being ill i hardly ate and had been so sick i thought i would have lost a stone (each time) instead i put on 3lb then another 3lb and when i got the flu i put on 4lbs :( was well miffed NOT eating does not help you lose weight it makes your body go in to survival mode and store fat ~ i know the rules eat and burn off the calories (easier said than done) i know i bordom eat but by the time i realise and stop myself its to late.

My main problem is eating junk food quick easy snacks whilst ill with depression i had problems some days to brush my hair let alone make good choices in food and then cook it or even prepare it. Its so much easier when hunger bites to grab some crisps and a chocolate bar.

One of the main things i have noticed from thin to fat is that i now think of food differently actually the main thing is i THINK of food as a skinny i never hardly bothered with food couldnt tell you food adverts on tv and magazine pages with those delicious dishes did nothing for me ... now its like im obsessed every day even without being hungry im wanting food ?? so what changed

Bordom ... 3rd ramblings of the day

Bored Bored Bored

Yes im feeling better, that nasty monthly thing is passing and im soooo fed up with laying about here (and in pain) I really should go find some thing to do but i am still a little tired.

Im sad about the start of this year :( I had great hopes for this to be the New Year for change, for things to start to get better

Listings :( growing
Viki ended her 10yr relationship with neil
Nick's new relationship has just ended
THAT BLOODY SNOW entrapped us
Will has no work = no money = no income what so ever
P M T the nasty thing laid me up 3 days now
Tuppence has been sick
Weight plan up the chute cos of pmt
My friends comp is broken so dont get to chat and my charger is useless playing up after 2 repairs grrrr useless acer!!!!
No car cos nick now has mine :~

So this is the begining of my better year :( whilst feeling low from pmt its hard to stay on a positive note, pmt brings me down without any help and im now struggling to stay with it - nicks news has hit me ... yet another hammer on the head (and in the heart )
I really could do with some help to rally round out of this but i am trapped by body mind and snow.

This is my 3rd posting of the day rambling on desperate for some thing to occupy my mind ~thank goodness for computers ~ im off to play yoville my facebook addiction made loads of friends on their and now have a fantastic group of girls that help me for a short time to forget the real world and i think thats where i need to be now :)

Sadly :(

My nicks relationship has just ended, bless him i think a number of things have contributed firstly having been cheated on during his previous relationship he has been very wary and not settled to a relationship with anyone for 3 yrs. Its a bit sad cos he took the chance this time and i think his obsession with the past has got in the way. From what he has said he continually questioned her as to commitment to him. I believe she was slightly on the rebound from a previous not so nice relationship and had issues of her own. Sad cos she was a really nice girl and sad for my nick cos i know he felt a lot for her.
What do i say to him 'plenty more fish in the sea? ' umm i think not ... i will wait to see if he wants to talk about things. Its been a hard time for all of us ~ financial issues, work issues, TRAPPED by this damn snow i think the stress levels have not helped either.
Maybe they will get back together who knows its early days but if not i hope nick can move on or will the past continually interfere with his future.
People dont know how much that loss of trust hurts Helen decided after 5 1/2 yrs and living in MY house with MY son she would start seeing someone else, and when did she choose to do this? she chose when my boy almost died from the car accident, she even continued to live in my house whilst cheating on him and i will never forgive her for any of it. Its left me with issues so i can understand that nick has them and for 3yrs because of it hes kept away from any 'long term' relationships.
Hurts to see your kids hurting. :(
I had big hopes for this year despite the loss of neil from our family after 10yrs and a new man in my viki's life, i am happy that shes happy and of course had to accept her decision but it has was hard and i felt sorry for neil. I was happy for nick finally settling into a relationship but now thats gone and it just seems a bad start to the year that was supposed to be better. :(

Power of the mind

Back to the weight issue thingy today :S
Im a totally erratic eater, i often dont eat much if anything for days then i go all out on trash food or even if i do eat well after a starve, because of the starve my body goes in to storage mode i know cos its often happened :( . The last couple of sickness bugs i managed to put on 3lbs each time ... anyone else would lose as did my skinny daughter who was sick once or twice and lost a stone ERRRR wtf!!! I was sooooo sick i should have lost 3stone not 3lbs hmmph!

I know starving is no good to lose weight its not intentional its illness and pmt that has me go into that mode. Ive always eaten in small amounts and spent most my adult life as my daughter with my 7 stone never moving, no one knew i was pregnant with my daughter and after both children i was back to my little skinny self and flat stomach no stretch marks and thats how it remained untill my back injury and those tablets that stupid dr gave me (there were alternatives i could have had) but no he gave me those that caused weight gain and its changed my life, ive still not adjusted to the weight gain, maybe if it had been more gradual it would be different but to go from extremely skinny to very fat in just a few months has been a shock ive not got over.
I dont know what to wear as a larger person i cant wear those tight fitting clothes that i always had to i hate the baggy stuff (that tend to make me look fatter anyway) so what do i wear?? GOK WAN and TRINNY AND SUZANNA have helped to some degree with clothes but i cant get away from the fact im now fat and along with the depression/menopause i dont know who i am or what to wear (and more)
But im gonna keep trying, i need to stay with it need to keep moving on as i dont intend to do the last decade again !

P roper M inging Time

Ummmph PMT totally wrecked my detox :( although finally feeling a little better today i am still quite tired, cramps have eased again thankfully just a tummy ache remains. Ive not eaten again today other than a slice of toast i forced down myself not wanting to go in to that non eating storage mode that i have done before, but now i think i can eat so i have put some chicken on, no veggies having been snowed in and pmt ive not ventured to get fresh and i used the few rare cans i buy as back up only have tin toms so will mash a bit of potatoe and that will have to do ~ hubby will be happy food at last not that he couldnt make something his self :/, hes been the usual pain in the bum! only does it when im ill suddenly needs me to do stuff errrr do it yourself im UNWELL!!! I cant move to drink my cup of tea and you want me doing what !!!!!

I truely believe that men should at least for a year in their life time suffer the effects of that nasty monthly thing us women have to deal with ... and all though they take the micky out of us 'ahh it must be her wrong week' i also believe they have just as many 'wrong weeks' the just dont have the other bit :S they certainly have the mood swings (i have 7 brothers husband son and male friends so have first hand knowledge that they all have these monthly moods) unlike us women they have nothing to connect it with ~ if its not that then theyre all arses once a month and some more often lol!

Ummmm so this diet thingy cant do much now will have a go again tomorrow hopefully, is not eating better than stuffing biscuits toast etc? its not done me favours in the past last twice i was sick i put on 3lbs both times :( there was me thinking a stone had gone each time grr lol

Ive looked at quite a few blogs now, ive found several where diets are under way and its been great reading them, some have done soooooo well and it inspires me and even though others are struggling they are still positive and still working on it.

Many of my friends are dieting ~ me and trace have been going to the gym regular shes lost a stone ive put on 8lbs :S ( have to put down to illness grr)
Mel has been on the lite a life diet she originally lost 5 1/2 stone only to put 4 back on when she started eating ~ i do have to say it wasnt a suprise watching her eat on a darts night i dont think she changed her habits she picked up 4 chips at a time and before she had eaten them she was doing it again the other girls picked up one chip and chatted drank or at least paused to chew before attempting another ~ the thing that worried me was the fact that it appeared she was unaware of doing it ~ almost automatic ~ part of the lite a life is the councelling which clearly never worked for mel. She has now gone back on it and has lost 5 stone = 6 1/2 stone total so WELL DONE her i just hope, bless her, they have taught her to eat to maintain this time, it worries me her body wont keep taking such huge losses and gains.
Another friend who tells me she has always had weight problems finallly decided to go for the op and is doing soooooooo well i follow her blog (was her that led me here and i thank her cos it truely helps me writing my ramblings down) I am so pleased for her.

My story is different to most ~ i never had a weight problem, 7 stone weakling all my life i could eat what i liked and never a lb did move. my son and daughter are the same nick is only bigger now cos he took that nasty stuff and has been body building working away his skinny frame my daughter is as i always was, i did look a little more on the annorexic side being slightly taller, my clothes needed to fit tightly otherwise i looked like a bag of bones. Being to skinny is much the same as being to fat i had all the name calling all the weight issues.
Things changed for me after a back injury, i was laid up for months and did little for 2 yrs i was under 6 stone when i got out of hospital and they only let me out on condition i put on weight, to which my mum continually fed me every thing she could as time wore on and only being able to get to the fridge and back my time was filled with eating and there the bad habit was born! The other thing i was unaware of was the tablets, Even after all this time im sooooooooo ANGRY about it, i couldnt work out why i was gaining weight so rapidly i had put my eating in check and was moving about as much as possible but the weight gains were huge, despite my mothers attempts and later mine i just knew there was some problem other than food. The tablets i was on caused weight gain well thank you doc, ive now got to over weight (which the drs now happily moan about) and spent years trying to get back to a reasonable weight. I came off immediately but according to reports i have read about the tablets they stay in your system, change your metabolism apparently .
During my 40's illness continually hit me and despite attempts i really havent made any progress on dieting in addition to the fact that ive only really just learnt what im supposed to do i never ever had to exercise or check calories and found the whole process alien to my previous life style.

Here i begin again and there will be many more beginings i have no doubt but i am now to the stage where i need to do this its a necessity in me a yearn to be fitter slimmer and happier, ive been to one of the lowest points in my life and now i need to move on up :)

Its not such a good day:( cramps are still with me, i had a bit of relief yesterday but they are back with a vengence and now its wearing me down and im begining to feel low. I am at least able to sit up at the moment and browse the web sites but its not helped in lifting my spirits. My friends all seem to be doing other things, no one has made a comment on my blogs i definately think they read depression and ran, sad that so many people dont understand, its labelled mental illness and that equates to mad axe men and chain saw massacres. Its not like that at all very few are so extreme to harm others and those that do go to extremes usually harm their selves. Most have just a severe sadness inside. Part of the brain shuts down tho protect them selves from any more pain and sadness and a fear builds preventing normal participation in life. Most will suffer some kind of phobia usually unable to leave the house or such. I spend a great deal of time crying not really knowing why despite all the trauma and losses i often cry without any particular thought in my head and bewildered why im snivelling.

The snow is still here and its starting to feel like prison there is little we are able to get on with nothing on tv no one to talk to (even on line) its COLD brrr which i hate and now im laid here feeling pretty rough, things are suposed to get better and i want things to be LOTS better this year but its not a good start :(
Ive not been able to get on with paintings :S time is running out i so hope im better tomorrow i really really need to get on !
Well for now im gonna go read others blogs, they often lift me with their positive attitudes some thing lacking in me but ive been hoping that will change and im doing all i can to change it but days like today are hard but im still fighting :!

Old Me

Where is the girl i used to be
Shes gone now
gone for the rest of eternity

Where is the youth and life i had
its gone now
for that im really sad

What do i have in its place
an older body
an older face

When will i accept this different me
Is this it
Is this how it has to be

ME ME ME

Me in the 80's




So big 50 on its way .. me me me is this years motto : not a good start cant get on with things cos of the snow (snarl) but i have started detox and managed 3 days before attacked with pmt/pms cramps but i will just start again when im better and finish my last 4 days.









This is me in mexico swimming with dolphins ... unbelieveable 1999

This is me and my friend Dee during my illness on rare occasion i was out

Me and Mel darts finals night 2008




Me ready to go to nephews wedding 2007









Me and my friend tracy this new years eve 2009~2010

Now im looking after me, ive done for everyone else this is my year i come first this year everyone else has come first for my entire life now its my turn :)

New year New me New start and the big 50 looming :S

A new begining ... contains some sad content .. but also some positive !
The big 50 is on its way this year, how does it seem only yesterday i was whining about being 30 yet alone 40 ... as a youngster i looked young for my age as my daughter does. Always the one asked about my age (often being the only one of age lol) Since hitting 30 i felt i was deprived of 20yrs not only did i lose that 10yrs younger that i had enjoyed but i also caught up with my age.

Where everyone seems to fall apart at the seams at 40 i did at 30 i hated turning 30 and watched my gradual down fall. When 40 got here i was really in my 50's i seem to age quicker than anyone ive ever known ive been ill constantly and the last 5 yrs of the 40's have been a real nightmare. Early 40's i had the flu, (and some ) i was laid up for 3 mths i had every thing and its mother im not kidding .. 5 chest infections ear infections throat infections eye infections, sickness and upset stomaches pleuresy (sorry not sure of spelling) bronchitis pneumonia (twice whisked off to hosp) and anything else you can name i had it :( ~ i always said i never felt 100% after having my son but after this flu for some years i barely got above 50% my friend describe her flu as so bad she wanted to die i told her mine was so bad i didnt get the option i thought my number was up !
As the 40's progressed i struggled on to get well but dec 2005 hit me with the biggest rock it could. Xmas eve morning (12am barely morning) i had the phone call you never want ~ my sons (now ex) girlfriend Helen phoned hysterical screaming down the phone 'Nicks still breathing Nicks still breathing' 4 days before xmas my mum then 85 had gone in for a major 50/50 op on her spine near her brain stem, my younger sister was hysterical long before she went in. My older sister had helped until xmas when she was booked to go away (7 useless brothers no where to be seen ). There i was having to sort everything and cope with mad sister also. i had got home 9pm the night before xmas eve hubby went to pub i was to tired and phoned around the boys (useless lot !) to let them know mum was out of icu and recovering well. Hubby had just got home the worse for several pints when i got the call, grabbing keys while screaming at him to get his trousers back on i ran to the car with no shoes no hand bag and hubby with shoes in hand i zoomed off to the accident site where i was stopped long before the scene by two police officers . I jumped out of the car explaining and they told me Nick was on his way to hospital. At the hospital we were immediately put in the room i knew was for the worst news. For 5 1/2 hours we were left numb and in shock and told next to nothing about our son for which i cant ever forgive the hospital staff ~ what if my son had died and i hadnt been there with him? its the thing that upsets me still. Eventually the doc came out and told us the news and finally let us in to see him. Nick never stablised untill boxing day and then a long long road to recovery. i phoned hysterical sister at 8am when the finally decided to take nick to icu the only thing i had was my phone cos i had left it in my pocket, my hysterical sister changed in a moment and was there not only for mum but for me. Hubby had gone home to collect money shoes etc and had to ask to be let out of the car park as we had no money with us to pay for the parking :S they of course understood thankfully. before hubby returned my sister was there, to this day i will not know how she got there so quick.
During the next 2 1/2 years we lost 19 familly and friends, fortunately mum and nick are ok but i did lose someone i loved deeply my friend and i still weep for him now. I worked in a hospital on emergency medical unit and actually liked that i was one of the first people bereaved families had contact with that i was able to help them in any way i could but after nicks accident mum and losing family and friends i could no longer do the job i loved so much and after 6 mth of illness i had to leave. I initially suffered from exhaustion then cronic fatigue rolling in to depression but in addition to that i believe i am pre menapausal, this i think being the reason the depression was so severe.
I always considered myself a strong person and there i was sat on the stairs ready to go down town and couldnt get to the door i was shaking and several times physically sick ? i sat saying to myself wtf!! dont be an idiot ?? but something stopped me. My dr was brilliant i went for the pill, but i clearly didnt look right cos she leaned over held my hand and asked if i was ok, well thats when i broke and since then its been a long long dark journey to get back to being 'normal'. The menapause i believe is whats left me with the feeling that i will never get 'me' back
There is something gone from inside of me, i dont seem to have any dreams wishes hopes.
This is my year its a new year 2010 and i will be the big 50 im not out of the woods with depression or menapause but i am getting there and now starting to fight
back.
SOOOOOOOOO goodbye bad stuff up .... As of now im looking after me, botox may be required to get those lost years back, i dont care what people say, if i have to grow old i will do it at a slower pace than the last 20yrs ..im on my weight loss plan and determined to do it this time, im not expecting to look like my daughter (even though i feel robbed ) but im not gonna look 60 in my 50's so there ! Here i begin........

Well im bored bored bored :( my friends on line it seems are doing their own thing and none have replied to my chats ? oh well ~
Tuppy is lots better now chasing twink, relief (not that shes chasing the cat lol ) relief shes better :D. Also she has started to ask to go out, she sits at the wrong door ummm and wimpers but we have learnt now that means i want to do my business we had just got her asking last year when summer came and all the doors left open of course she didnt need to ask and we've had to start again hopefully she will now have the message if doors are shut (even after summer lol) she needs to ask ... we will see, shes quite a good dog for obedience but unfortunately not the most intelligent as nick often demonstrates pretending to throw a ball and silly tups goes after 'nothing' when he says fetch :D

Bit more snow today and we are still very frozen arghh i want a big thaw like NOW! please.
Will is working today (some inside work) only for the day but at least hes out the way for a while. Im a bit better than yesterday cramps have eased and i have the usual chores to do :( may potter about a bit later more than anything i really need to get on with my paintings exhibit is in feb omg~!!!!!
THIS ONE < is almost finished just a couple of touch up bits last year i sold 5 of the 6 as the previous year but they were all neutral ones the one coloured one i put in didnt sell each time so im sticking with neutral as i want to sell all this year, hope people are still buying with the recession, although i do try to price fairly, i like us 'ordinary' everyday people to be able to buy something they like as much as those who have money to buy what they want

Was hoping that i may have had someone look in here by now from SITS have joined a lot of theirs which have interested me guess i have to watch this space .. maybe that word 'depression' has scared them :(

Had a night out couldnt sit in any more, had a practice darts night with the girls friend dee and myself playing pairs only lost one game all night (9 games ) and beat the men each time they played whoo hoo :D well chuffed even 300 behind on last game when we were flagging at the end of the night we still beat the men ha ha ha !

Despite a good night out im miffed with myself, i indulged in 2 glasses of wine :( but to add to it the monthly attacked me today and ive been laid up with really bad cramps all day (as usual) ive only had a bit of toast couldnt face anything ive hardly moved even a cup of tea was difficult but hopefully if im a bit better tomorrow i can go for it again and just extend detox by one day ie re-do thursday :S
Just watched 2nd part of my big fat diet and few interesting items on it especially the fibbing on the packets of food ie showing omega 3 on bread to actually but for it to be any good for you, you would need to eat 142 slices a day!!
2 of the ladies went and had a couple of drinks at a party one lost 1lb other lost 0lbs, the girl (heaviest woman there) who put on 2lb last week decided not to go to party and lost 8lb the others who went to the party didnt over indulge and lost a couple each ...so interesting.
I often have non eating moments today is one of the, in the past ive found rather than losing weight ive put it on so starving i know does no good body goes in to storage and on goes the lbs :( thats why im worried about today but i just couldnt move let alone eat so will just grin and bare it!

My baby my little tuppence has been very ill today too, aww she was very very sick (not gonna say sick as a dog doh!) bless her she was really ill she cried when she was picked up i had her lay with me for a while and she was shivering (a sign of pain in dogs) she was wincing and her tail was down she was just laying about not a wimper when the cat passed normally she would bark and chase, seriously worried me. This evening shes picked up, shes barking at twink again chased after will and her chicken toy and tail is up :) phew ! I did umm and ahh about the vet but apparently they were not ope (grrr snow~) we would have had to seek out an emergency one had she not started to improve. Bloody snow!!!!!! growl


Its still snowy here :( will still cant work no money again the longer it goes on the more i will worry other years we have some money in the pot but this year it went on the extension purge im pleased to have nicks room done and things a little more finished and usable but didnt allow for this kind of weather, its worst we have had in 100 yrs apparently although i can remember winters like this in the 70's





feb 2009 (same road)

jan 2010 >





I will be soooo glad to see the back of the snow ! its beautiful but a pain in the butt!